Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part II)

- Imagine how we feel. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, totally not bitter

On to round two of those real-life head coaches that gave ulcers to fake head coaches worldwide. Part One, for those who missed it, showed up yesterday.

4. Jim Caldwell (Indianapolis Colts)
There's only one real offense here (I'm not counting ruining the Donald Brown sleeper pick), and that's sitting the starters during everybody's finals. It's definitely brutal enough to warrant inclusion though: think of the number of people you screwed over by shutting down Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Joseph Addai with 20 minutes left. Imagine counting on Manning with money on the line: "Okay, doing all right, just need one decent touchdown and I'll be golden, still a lot of time left in the third quarter, I'll just-- wha-- but-- who-- Curtis F$^@*ing Painter?!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!" Not cool, bro, not cool.

3. Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans)
They used to call baseball manager Sparky Anderson "Captain Hook" because of his habit of removing relievers with extreme prejudice. Given the overreaction of ol' Koobface to his running backs' fumbleitis pandemic, he may very well have inherited that nickname. We can also come to three bonus conclusions: (1) anyone who drafted Steve Slaton got screwed over down the stretch; (2) anyone who picked up and used Arian Foster for week 15 probably lost their matchup, only to see him score 15 points the next week after they were eliminated; and (3) the Houston Texans will have a new running backs coach next year. Who will make not fumbling a top priority.

2. Lovie Smith (Chicago Bears)
As a rule, we try to avoid profanity on this blog, but holy shit, Lovie Fucking Smith. I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What the hell was that shit? Letting Jay Cutler create more turnovers than a friggin' bakery is one thing. You don't have a backup quarterback; I get that. But you had safety valves: how many times was Greg Olsen -- a preseason top-six tight end -- involved in your game plan? Why must you always aim for your terrible receivers? Also, you had a running back. A real running back. A running back who went for 1,200 yards in his rookie season. But oh no, all he did this year was run into the back of your crappy line 10 times a game, and never touched the ball again.

Normally, with bad picks, you can say things like, "Instead of Dwayne Bowe, I could've had Brandon Marshall or DeSean Jackson" or whatever. Here's a list of running backs you could've had instead of Matt Forte, considering when you drafted him:
- Like all of them.
- Literally anyone else in the National Football League
- Because everyone drafted him in the top five.
- Okay, so Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew, and maybe Michael Turner were already off the board.

And I haven't even started on his terrible defense, which was a preseason sleeper because, allegedly, Smith is a defensive mastermind. Allegedly. Please don't blame their underwhelming performance on injuries, because the way this defense transformed into Mort Goldman ("oh God don't hurt me!") makes it look like Brian Urlacher was the Incredible Hulk in pads and cleats.

1. John Fox (Carolina Panthers)
Honestly, when I sat down to write this, I assumed Lovie Smith was going to take this, far and away. I didn't even really think there'd be competition.

But then I remembered the Carolina Panthers.

Let's start with Jake Delhomme. That guy sucked this year. I guess between him and Kerry Collins, we learned that, hey, there's a reason some of these guys are journeymen. What we also learned was that, if you started any defensive back going up against the Panthers, they would probably end up with more "receptions" and touchdowns than Steve Smith, a premier receiver before the season.

This is only amplified by the performance of some dude named Matt Moore. Now, no offense, but it's not like Johnny Unitas rose from the grave to lead the Panthers to a magical stretch run as super spoilers. Matt Moore is the definition of replacement-level, and for all I know, he was picked out of the stands at halftime Eddie-style. But Moore came in and led the team to back-to-back pastings of the Vikings and Giants, teams that had at one point this season been considered among the class of the NFC.

But that's not the worst of it. Before the season, DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart were a huge one-two running back punch, up there with Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams and (to a lesser extent) Chris Johnson/LenDale White as the rare split in which both backs deserved drafting. But Fox's playcalling meant Williams, a first-rounder, languished early as Delhomme threw pick after pick. Stewart, at least, lived up to expectations thanks to a monster December. But the split meant Williams lost 10 touchdowns to Stewart, just as Williams owners feared.

Add in the defensive struggles that by now are par for the course for this list, and John Fox screwed over people who drafted his star running back and wide receiver, the handful of poor bastards who started Delhomme, and anyone who had faith in his defense. Congratulations, Mr. Fox. Take your trophy of "Biggest Screw-Job of Fantasy Owners", and display it with pride as you listen to irate football fans throughout the greater Charlotte area call for your head.

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Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part I)

- It's just not Eric Mangini's day. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, 108 points in week 16

With the close of week 16, it's time for that time-honored tradition among unsuccessful fantasy football owners: the airing of grievances, in which blame is assigned to everybody but themselves for their crappy fantasy teams. Since I fall in that category, here's a list of the worst real coaches for fantasy purposes.

(This post went longer than I originally anticipated, so I'm saving the last four for tomorrow.)

9. Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
No, I'm not listing him for that whole fourth-down thing against the Colts, and I'm not going to criticize his defense's performance, since I told you the Patriots' defense was going to be weak this year. I am, however, going to include him based on his egregious sin of the "running back by committee". True, injuries limited the damage this did, and the Pats don't run the ball especially well anyway. But I'm 25 points up in my two-week finals because Dave started Laurence Maroney (0 points) as opposed to Sammy Morris (15 points).

8. Josh McDaniels (Denver Broncos)
Pilk wants me to include him for his little pissing match with Brandon Marshall at the beginning of the season, and that's fair, since it cost Marshall some playing time and left fantasy owners scrambling a little. But it also meant Marshall became an absolute steal once he found the field, so really, his megalomanaical power play turned into a solid sleeper pick, as well as helping team discipline.

7. Eric Mangini (Cleveland Browns)
If you were relying on any members of the Cleveland Browns to take you to the fantasy football promised land, well, then I'm sorry for you. But when you consider the stellar performances of Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs over the second half of the season, it's a little infuriating to think that Mangini kept trotting out Jamal Lewis week after wasted week. I'd complain about the whole nuclear-launch-code-style secrecy surrounding the choice between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn, but if those were your starting quarterback options, you'd wait as long as possible to make your decision public too. Poor dude was probably hoping for a cyanide pill.

6. Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans)
Fisher at least made strides over last year, making sure touchdown vulture extraordinaire LenDale White saw more than his fair share of pine. But to stubbornly insist on playing your 40-year-old career journeyman quarterback despite starting the season 0-5, and despite being down 45-0 at halftime, and despite having the third-overall pick in the 2006 draft holding a clipboard... The Titans haven't looked like quite the world-beaters they were last year, but they looked a lot closer once Vince Young started taking the field. Frankly, the only thing saving Fisher's skin in real life is his 13 years with the team, and his hypnotically sweet moustache.

5. Dick Jauron (formerly Buffalo Bills)
The guy lost his job, so maybe that's enough, but if Fisher gets mentioned for sticking with Collins too long, I have to complain about Jauron: "Oh, look at that, Marshawn Lynch is back from his suspension. And just in time too! It's not like Fred Jackson was tearing up the lea... he was? Oh. Well, we can't have that." Factor in the early success of Ryan Fitzpatrick and you wonder just what exactly he was using to assign playing time.

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Wow, You're Terrible

-I'm sorry, that's incorrect.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 9-7, destroyed in the finals

Just when I thought the blog was winding down, Cole goes and writes a bunch a posts. Oh, we're doing things now? Well, Jesus, let me get on a bathrobe, at least. Christ. Banging on doors at eleven o'clock in the morning... what are we, Amish? Whatever, here we go.

As you can see above, although I made the Seinfeld League superbowl... well, let's save that for later. Cole and I will whip up some kind of analysis of our experimental season later. But for now, let's make fun of someone. Oh hello, Oakland Raiders.

When I'm on MSNBC and have had enough reading about pig diseases and balloon children, I usually stop by PFT for a laugh or two. Yesterday, they reported that Oakland coach Tom Cable took some time away from his busy schedule of punching things to blame his QB, JaMarcus Russel, for all of Oakland's woes. And god knows, there's a lot of them.

"It's a quarterback-driven league," says Cable, "Without even asking that question (would you have done better with an average QB), you know we would have." (burn.)

Seems a little unfair to me. Still, what is it like to suck so much the Oakland Raiders diss you? Goddamn. That's like being told you'll also need a second pair of training wheels on your front bike tire. Yeah, it's not what all the kids have to do. My mom told me that. She lied.

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This Whole Post Bothers Me

- "Coach, your daughter's five. You could've at least stopped blocking her shots." -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, Embarrassed in the First Round

The Sunday afternoon tilt between the New York Jets and the undefeated Indianapolis Colts was broadcast throughout much of the country on CBS. So if you're like me and tried to get escape the familial obligations with a little pigskin, then some big drunk uncle took the remote while you were getting more egg biscuits and started watching Jeff Dunham. Pain in the ass.

But I'm going to assume that you were more viligant than I, and that you saw head coach Jim Caldwell channel his inner Jim Mora and pull his starters in the third quarter against a Jets team fighting for its playoff life. The Colts, leading 15-10 at the time, allowed 19 unanswered points and lost 29-15.

Now, there's two ways to look at this. The gut reaction of the sports blogger is to criticize, so let's touch on that first: by sitting his starters, Caldwell does a disservice to the history of the NFL by not continuing to strive for perfection. And let's not forget the fans who paid in body parts for seats at Lucas Oil Stadium to see the Colts' B-squad. No wonder they were mad. If this were Philly, we'd be talking about the poor decision of the late Jim Caldwell.

Of course, the counterargument is that by resting his starters, Caldwell prevented a horrific, season-ending injury to Peyton Manning that would have resulted in more time spent filming commercials. So really, we should be thanking him for that. Plus we don't have to listen to Mercury Morris talk about the damn kids in his neighborhood again.

But that's all pretty hackneyed, and if we're going to recycle jokes, we might as well go whole hog:



Aah. Look at that sweet Zapruder-style footage.

Honestly, this whole post may have been an excuse to link to that video again. But let me leave with this: the running joke on Jim Caldwell was that no one knew that he was actually coaching (or, for that matter, awake) during Colts games.

Well, they know he's awake now.

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Happy Holidays from SSFA!

-Ready... set-- goddamn it.-

From everyone here at SSFA! Happy Holidays and a Happy 2010. Thanks for reading and sticking with us this season. While RWPilk and Cole are still deciding what to do now that their epic rivalry is resolved. But you can at least look forward to fantasy football '09 analysis and a few chuckles coming soon. In the meantime, enjoy the holiday weekend match-ups, our new poll and wish RWPilk as he plays in the Seinfeld League final. We'll catch up with you after the eggnog.

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Fantasy Football '09 Wrap Up: Live!

-No pressure, big guy.-

Uh... so, yeah. Our authors Cole and RWPilk gotta little tied up yesterday and didn't keep up with any of the live blogging. I mean they were literally tied up. Yeah, Albanian rebels seized their apartment and drank all their beer right in front of them. Good God, the humanity. But they're back now and ready to enjoy some MNF and discuss the epic match up that was this weekend (and perhaps this oh, so illustrious fantasy season as a whole). So get the refresh button ready... 'cause it be on!

Monday Night Football
Giants vs Redskins
8:30pm on ESPN

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall
Current Score: 93

Alright, let's kick this mofo off. Apologies for the abandoned live blog yesterday for those who joined us for awesomeness. But we'll try and bring the awesomeness here tonight, it hasn't expired yet. We smelled it to make sure. Our fantasy teams were busy, however, doing what they do best: scoring points and inspiring heavy drinking. But more on that later.

And that was kick off, Giants with the ball. Fantasy players aside (Ganther and Boss for me tonight) I think I'm rooting for the Giants tonight. They're so scrappy. You just wanna eat'em up! And that's Bradshaw already with a TD. He'll enjoy it on my bench.

Cole
Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Current Score: 59

ell, you really did it to me this time, Pilki -- ait, the Giants are scrappy? They're from Ne York. No one from Ne York has ever been the "little guy". No ay.

But my life is miserable tonight. My fantasy team embarrassed itself out there all around. Every crappy bust I had all year let me down, but so did every clever pickup I made this eek. No my thumbs are broken, I'm eating soup and toast because I have no money for food, and I broke my "vv" key, so you on't see any of those all night.

Oh good, now it's time for Tom Coughlin and Jim Zorn to star in "The Men ho Stare Blankly at the Field." Aesome.

RWPilk
Cole's had a tough week, the prophetic missing "w" from his keyboard. Yes. No "w" for Cole this week, barring some kind of TE Fred Davis miracle game. Bradshaw is kicking ass tonight. Perhaps RB Ganther was a bad replacement move... Oh man, that's another touchdown for him. Between him and TE Todd Heap, my coaching rating is going straight into the toilet.

Cole
Coach rating. hat a pain in the ass. All that means is you have no options on your bench that are in the vicinity of being orthhile. You ant a useful measure, look at points. For instance, Mark ill be joining you in the finals despite being ... 10th in the league?! hat the hell is that shit? hatever.

Regardless, I don't kno hat I'm going to do next eek no. atch the games normally? Then I'll end up critiquing things like the fact that the Redskins are earing red pants and red jerseys. Yamahama.

RWPilk
It's Giants 17, Redskins nothing with just over 6 minutes left in the 2Q. This a really quick game. So let's get to the nitty gritty: Cole, my man, what the hell happened this week? I was shaking in my boots all week. 11-3! No one close to that record. Now you need TE Davis to score like 40 points to have a prayer against the Moses. Give us the breakdown.

Cole
Oh it's broken. Look, here's the deal: my running backs had orse eeks than your receivers. Like infinitely orse. Chris Johnson scored 13 and Ray Rice had nine, but hen Reggie ayne and Miles Austin both drop 19 on me, it's a big hole to climb back from.

I got eight points from both of my receivers combined, and a nice -1 from Arian Foster, thanks to a fumble on the first drive and subsequent burial on the bench by Gary "Captain Hook" Kubiak. But I'd like to give a big middle-finger to the asshole ho said, "Hopefully u weren't burned by the #Texans backfield. Yes, Foster was a hot pickup, but that didn't make him a must-play!!!" Maybe not, but the fact that everyone and their mother told me to start him, that made him a must-play.

One more thing I've learned here this season: if you have a defense that you picked up off aivers, and they're ranked #1 based solely on their ability to score defensive touchdons, you should trade them for a real defense before they crap the bed against decent offenses. But that's another story for another day.

RWPilk
I've been between 1st and 3rd all season with my receiving. Austin, Marshall, Wayne. Can't complain there (although I'm sure I did a bunch of times). To be honest, I thought I was finished after Saturday night's special presentation of Thursday night football when Brees walked away from the game with 1 TD, 1 pick, 2 fumble, and 11 points. With the New Orleans defeat, I thought Cole had sealed the deal. I didn't really relax until RB McCoy found the end zone Sunday evening. I really thought you had it.

The Redskins just bombed it down the field. Positive yards for these guys. Finally. And a drop in the end zone by Fred Davis. Yikes.

Cole
Until McCoy? You ere up 30 from the end of the Saturday night game on. This as a orse game than the Redskins-Giants debacle e're currently atching. hat is that deal ith that special teams debacle by the Redskins at the end of the half. Oy.

RWPilk
Halftime: Giants 24, Redskins 0. I think Jim Zorn has left. He's bored. Like us. How many competitive games have we live blogged? One? We're a total live blog jinx.

I'd like to give a shout out to the four votes that came in to our poll today voting for me after yesterday's score was posted. I admire your courage. Thomas Jefferson, Susan B. Anthony, residents of the new Iraq... you share their spirit. Shine on.

Cole
Hey, I voted for you like 4 pm yesterday. Until next time, Gadget.

RWPilk
No, no, no, you're not going anywhere yet. Fred Davis just scored a touchdown. That puts you down by only 29! This is what we call a code red, people! Well, maybe not red. A more soothing color. A code lavender!

Cole
Yeah, pause. That's orth a pause. Oh, hello Kevin Boss.

RWPilk
Boss ran down an official. That should be extra points. That puts me at 99 and Cole at 67. Summer of Love, Bryan. Summer of Love.

Cole
Yeah yeah aesome. Meanhile, I spent hours and hours poring over scouting reports, carefully selecting a lineup, and I got outscored by pretty much everyone else in the league. If you're going to lose, you might go out with a bang so people say, "Man! No that guy got CANNED!" Losing on a nebulous tiebreaker ould almost be orse.

RWPilk
Wow... just-- wow. Jason Campbell just lobbed it to an opposing player like they were playing catch out in the ol' back yard. That makes it 38 to 6, Giants. Bryan reports that "Redskins" is a trending topic over at Twitter. It's popular like slowing down to see a bloody accident on the side of the road is popular.

Cole
Redskins punch it in but don't get the to-point conversion. This isn't even a game. This isn't even an approximation of a game. This is like, if you're playing Cranium and you have to dra a picture of "football game" with your eyes closed and your left hand, that's what this game is.

ait, as that Ganther? Oh for...can I go already?

RWPilk
Oh, they're throwing punches! They're fighting! Oh man. This game is awful. Even the players are like f*** it, let's rumble. And, yes, that was RB Ganther in the end zone... making me not look like a complete idiot.

Cole
Fred Davis collects a couple more yards in garbage time and I at least collected 12 points from my tight end. I don't kno hen the last time I got that many points from a tight end, but I did get 16 over my last five eeks. Lovie Smith and Greg Olsen, you too are not on my Christmas card list. You either Matt Forte.

Ah, scre it. One more time!

RWPilk
We've said it before, tight ends are tough. Anything four is an above average score for them. Unless you have Clark or something. Alright the commentators are talking about how tall the Manning brothers are. If they can't make this game interesting, we sure as hell aren't. Any last words, Cole?

Cole
I can't post that Khan video again, can I?

RWPilk
No.

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Broke Up the Post Pattern

- CBS Sports' crack team creates playoff tiebreaker scenarios. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Woof. That was one of the most embarrassing performances in recent memory.

Only a couple of posts all day? Pathetic. At least we had that open-comment thing going on, which was kind of cool.

Oh yeah, and my team sucked up the place too.

Don't worry, though. We're going to recap everything tonight anyway. Copious amounts of alcohol are listed as "probable".

Join us tonight for MNF!
NY Giants vs WAS Redskins
8:30PM EST on ESPN

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Sabbath Day Spectacular: Live!

-Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Can't we settle on a handshake?-

Join us one and all for one damn good fantasy football showdown! Our authors Cole and RWPilk are locked head-to-head in an end-all, be-all playoff battle! Who will win? Who's fantasy sports theory will have to eat the most crow? It's all come down to this! Our brave scribes will update throughout today with live updates on their score as today's NFL happenings will seal their fates forever! So, keep that refresh button ready (most recent updates at the top) and watch all the insanity unfold! It's on!

Live Score:
Cole's Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine: 59
RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses: 92
-total Sunday score-

RWPilk
I'm lucking out here with two fumbles by Cole's guys early in the 1pm game. RBs Johnson and Foster with the butter fingers... Meanwhile in the Patriots game, Bills look like they could give them a little trouble. But it at least look like Moss is paying attention this week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

I really expected a lot of trash talking, but mercifully both parties seem to be playing the humble defeatist card, trying to out-woe the other all weekend. It's another battle I'm prepared to lose this weekend, and as I shiver in my still-heatless room, I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. Rob has a 49-10 advantage on me with Brees, Austin and Wayne down; mercifully, that's most of his big guns, but it still means I'll have to have a very good week in order to beat him, especially given the five points I got from both the Saints' defense and kicker.

Couple of last-minute audibles: Matt Forte finds the bench -- again -- in favor of Arian Foster of Houston, while Antonio Bryant of Tampa Bay replaces the off-again, off-some-more-again Calvin Johnson who should see quadruple coverage against the Cardinals.

Oh well. At least the house Christmas party means that I've started drinking already.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I can't tell if I'm in good shape or not. While WR Reggie Wayne and WR Miles Austin were pretty great... however Brees just barely got into double digits with 11 points. Not good. Still, there's a lot of football left. My score won't change until after 4pm EST... But here's hoping that Cole's team doesn't get too far ahead before that happens. Yikes.

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Playoff Preview: Clash of the Titans

-Nineteen points is nineteen points, Reggie. Doesn't mean you get to come on to me.-

This one's for all the marbles! In an unexpected turn of events, our authors clash head-to-head in the first week of fantasy football playoffs, once and for all settling their fantasy sports theory dispute! It's Cole's Flabby Armed Spanking Machine against RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses... a death match bound to end in tears! Let's go to them now for all of the ugly, mortifying, soul-crushing details! You bring the tissues.

And don't miss our Sabbath day spectatcular as SSFA! will update continuously through the NFL games on Sunday, December 20th as our two esteemed authors duke it out! Blood, tears, hissy fits... just the thing to put you in the holiday spirit! See you then!

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

Right around 11 pm last night, it all went to hell for me. Reggie Wayne caught a 65-yard touchdown pass that turned a subpar performance into a stellar one, and gave me a 19-point hole to dig out of. And then the heat stopped working -- just in my bedroom. I threw something in frustration, and it broke a key off my keyboard. Naturally. So as I cried myself to sleep on the couch in the living room, I realized this was not going to be my lucky weekend.

At this point, I'm sure my opponent is jumping up and down at his good fortune and I'm sure you expect me to be loudly and obnoxiously proclaiming my doom, so I'm glad we both played into those stereotypes anyway. One may have expected some trash talking but that seems fruitless, especially given the semi-random nature of fantasy sports. I will say this though: for as much as Pilk over there wants to talk about his Theory, he was pretty damn quiet about it when he was floundering around .500 and considering benching Drew Brees.

Meanhwile, in other action, Rob's friend Mark takes on Gi, with Gi the heavy favorite thanks in large part to a huge game by Peyton Manning and the continued injury-based woes of Michael Turner. Sorry Gi, but you know I'm rooting for Mark, since he scored 60 points in the regular season finale and will probably still be hurting next week.

Assuming I don't embarrass myself first.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I'm off to a good start with Reggie Wayne, unjinxed and back in action with 19 points from last night's game. That already puts the Sweet Fancy Moses ahead of the CBS Guru estimation, which is only worth mentioning because they have Cole beating me by like 40 points. What is this? Week 4? I don't think so.

I also made (what I hope to be) my last waiver wire grabs of the year. In for RB Darren Sproles and my "please god, just touch the ball" running back strategy is RB Quinten Ganther from Washington who's supposed to be hot hot hot (pause). And Matt Prater was recruited as well, the kicker from Denver. Yeah, that's right, I'm still tweaking my kickers. I'd leave it alone if everyone else was getting a 2-4 kicker score every week, but a lot of people in my league are breaking double digits. I can't risk it. Welcome aboard, guys. Whatever you do, don't bugger this up.

And that's about it. Brees, Austin, Marshall... they're set it and forget it. They've taken me this far... and by this far, I mean locked me in the bowels of the league standings until the last 4 Weeks. But I gotta let them do their thing. And let me say that it's fun to have the opportunity to play Cole again. He's an okay guy in small doses. Small, tie-me-down, inject-painfully-into-your-brain stem doses. Cause that's what this blog is all about. Friendship.

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Half

-That's one suspicious tie.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

Let's face it, you can't be a sports blog right now unless Tiger Woods is on it. We've checked with lawyers. It's the law. So here's our obligatory Tiger Woods post. And if you call right now, we'll include our very first SSFA! golf post... FREE!

Actually, there's actually good news to report for Tiger Woods fans: he'll be playing again soon. Just few days after it was announced on his website that he's taking an indefinite leave from golf, his scorned many times over again (and again) wife may have him back on the links sooner than you think. She's gonna take half of his money.

Reports are that Elin Nodegren (which is also the model of my desk from Ikea) wants to split the 337.5 million Tiger's earned during their marriage right down the middle. Oh, wait... that's in pounds? Well, she better stay away from the States, then. Her husband banged like two dozen different chicks, she deserves more than half of $37.50.

So, I get the feeling Tiger will be back puttin' through the ol' miniature windmills sooner than he thinks. He's probably going to have to re-think some of his endorsements, though. Hell, Ambien is trying to get over that whole killing Heath Ledger thing, they should be jumping all over this! But seriously, leave you're new favorite Tiger Woods endorsement products in the comments. Funniest one gets a brand new unicorn. Made of ice cream.

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Week 14 Recap: Playoff Bound!

-It's good?! It's fan-freakin'-tastic!!!-

In tale that couldn't have been written, the SSFA! fantasy football battle plunges into high drama! In an long-shot comeback, RWPilk's team has swept its division... and earned a place in the playoffs! Now, Cole must lead his 1st place team into a re-match for the ages! Stay with us, folks, it doesn't get much better than this! The gauntlet is thrown, and all will finally know the truth about fantasy sports! Let's go to our authors now for the recap of these incredible events!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

This week, I have very little to say. But I think I've found something that sums it up quite nicely:



I won't gloat. Gloating would imply that I had something to do with the comeback my team has made. But that's not what my fantasy football theory is all about. Instead, I celebrate that my theory has legs... and the chance to be proven correct! Still, it feels good that my "team" went out and did exactly what it needed to do and swept my division (special shout out to WR Brandon Marshall for putting up record-breaking numbers). Fan-f***ing-tastic.

That is all. Ladies. Gentlemen. Cole? I'll see you all... next week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

You will never see a more disheartened 11-3 owner.

Beating the Moops 113-85 in the regular season finale was nice and all, but once again I left massive points on the bench thanks to Reggie Bush's two touchdowns and Matt Forte being, well, Khan.



So now I have a week to figure out how to get more than a dozen points out of my receivers. My options are Calvin Johnson (note to self: send Get Well Soon bouquet to Matt Stafford), Dwayne Bowe (off a suspension), Kenny Britt, Austin Collie, or Jerricho Cotchery (note to self: suicide = painless). And don't even bring up Greg "This-Could-Be-a-Good-Sleeper-TE-Pick" Olsen.

I'm off to the shrines I built to Chris Johnson and Ray Rice to see if they can't bail me out. Again. Time to call the boss and tell him I'm developing a severe illness that will incapacitate me for the next two weeks. How about shingles? Painful, contagious, common ... that might be the trick.

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Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

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Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.

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Playooooffs??? You Talkin About Playooooffs???

-Are you excited? Yeah, me neither to be honest...-

DennyP!

Guest Columnist

So it was a lazy, rainy Saturday afternoon here at the home base for SSFA! Normally things are very exciting around here: yelling at cats, drinking beers on the couch, playing darts for hours at a time because no one can close out on bullseye. Today I needed a rest from such 'excitement', so I just sat and watched some good old-fashioned college football.

It was the matchup of all matchups! #1 Florida versus #2 Alabama squaring off for the SEC Championship. Only the 4th time in college football history #1 has faced #2 in a non-bowl game. Sixty-nine year old Verne Lundquist was as giddy as a school boy to broadcast this game. But hey, i guess he is a young school boy compared to broadcaster Vin Scully.

Watching this game, I felt obligated to raise the issue of whether college football should have a playoff to decide the National Championship. Now normally I do not get too excited about playoffs in general because often the 'best' team does not win:

• The NBA playoffs are dreadful because the style of the game changes compared to the regular season. Its much more physical, teams can't fastbreak if they want to, and the refs call the fouls differently. Just ask the up-tempo Pheonix Suns every year or especially the 2007 Dallas Mavericks who were an NBA best 67-15 and lost their opening playoff series.


• The NFL playoffs are notorious for the 'best' team not winning because its single elimination. Although I admit its not always the case, can you honestly disagree and say the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals were the two best teams in football last year! I would also love to use 2007 as a classic example (the 10-6 Giants beating the 16-0 Pats) but I won't being incredibly biased on this issue...

However, I feel like a playoff would be perfect for college football. Hundreds of teams only play 13 games or so there is no way all the key rivals face each other. We all know the deal, a computer picks the two best teams and they face off with at least 1 team getting snubbed and never getting a chance to prove themselves. Its not rocket science, just add more teams and have a 4 or 8 team playoff to decide the title. There's even a 3 week layoff between this weekend's conference championships and the title game. BRILLIANT!

Take this year's results. Alabama spanked #1 Florida in the SEC Championsip to go undefeated at 13-0 and solidify them as the top dog. But now who do they play for the National Championship??? Undefeated Texas? Undefeated TCU? Undefeated Cincinnati? Undefeated Boise State? All these teams have not lost a game and, for 3 of them, that won't be good enough to be considered for a title (and its not the first time for Boise State who was the ONLY undefeated team in 2006 but were not chosen to play in the National Championship)?!

I think this is rather obvious. If you want to name a college football champion, then have a playoff. I have no problem keeping the long-standing tradition of the bowl games, but please, do not call a single team the best because a computer said so. I dunno fellow sports enthusiasts, what do you think?

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Week 13 Preview: Guru Voodoo

-C'mon, I carried the one!-

And lucky Week 13 is upon us. Will it spell doom for RWPilk's final rally into playoff contention? Or will it--... well, nothing really bad can happen to Cole's team now. He's clinched. But maybe something annoying will happen. Yes... yes, something dreadfully annoying. Maybe McNabb will suffer a hangnail. Or Matt Forte will kneel at the 1. Or Pilk will steal the last of Cole's laundry detergent for the week. Yes... yes, something dreadful indeed.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

My fear when I started this season was that I am dangerously unqualified to run a fantasy sports blog, and that it would demonstrate itself over the course of the season. Anyone who's watched the abysmal performance of my receivers ("Jason Avant or Kenny Britt? Hmmm...") might argue that that's still the case, but by and large I haven't embarrassed myself this year. With one win, I wrap up the best regular-season record in the league.

It's the same in my other league with Ted and Mike. Ted and I both have 9-3 records, and are matching up head-to-head for the only time in the regular season. Since the playoffs start next week (two-week playoffs! I think I like it; more on that later), the winner gets the best regular season record. ESPN's predictions notwithstanding, it's hard not to feel like I'm the underdog. Look at that passing game: Brady! Moss! AP! LDT! Welker! ...Mendenhall? Oh, against the Raiders. Okay, Menden--ah, you get the point. Some shrewd roster manipulation by Mr. Hall, whose averaged 3 or 4 moves a week over the course of the season. You put that much time in, you deserve it. But, like I said, the "expert" predictions give me a 14-point edge, so my plucky little autodraft squad might stand a chance to ruin everyone's fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the Seinfeld League scores for the next hour and pray that someone forgets to take out Matt Ryan.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

The CBS fantasy program has this thing, which I'm sure other fantasy hosting sites have, where it "predicts" what your players are going to score in the coming week. I would go on to detail what criteria is used to dictate how the "guru" comes up with these numbers, but I have no idea. That's the point. Break it down for the Moses', O Guru of Gurus:

QB Brees (v WAS): 21
RB McCoy (v ATL): 15
RB Sproles (v CLE): 2 (#%@$!)
WR Wayne (v TEN): 14
WR Austin (v NYG): 13
TE Boss (v DAL): 10
WR Marhsall (v KC): 14
K Gould (v STL): 11
DST Packers (v BAL): 7

That's a 107 sum. A good score. Why all the calculating? Because this week, the guru has me beating our guest columnist Gina, who arguably has the scariest team in the league. There are no byes or big injuries, just straight starters. God knows I'm no calculatin' Cole, like upstairs there, so I admit, I've relied on the guru a few times for some answers. And they're almost always wrong answers.

The guru has never ever been right. Not really. And now, this week, I have to ask that it is.

Crap.

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Things They Do Look Awful Cold

- The second monolith sent to Earth was not as well received. -

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall
As you probably know by now, The Who -- or what's left of them -- will be performing at halftime of Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, ensuring that the billion people who watch the Super Bowl will unite as one, rise up, and say, "There HAS to be something else on."

Naturally, at times like this, we stop and wonder what else could have been. Well, wonder no more, my friends. Because of my good looks, charm, and Real Housewives of DC-style party-crashing abilities, I was able to attend several meetings with the halftime show producers as they ran through the list of candidates. Here are some other names they were considering:

Bob Dylan
Pros: The musical legend, perpetually on tour, has no counterculture scruples left and at this point is down for just about anything.
Cons: Dear God, have you heard the man recently?

Michael Jackson
Pros: "Everyone's been talking about him recently, plus he's got that new movie and everything!"
Cons: Three main problems: (1) "Didn't we just have that Prince guy? He's basically the same thing." (2) Fear of angry PETA protests over Bubbles the Chimp. (3) A staffer informed the producers that he was, in fact, dead.

Pearl Jam
Pros: Big sports fans; everyone knows their first album was named after Mookie Blaylock. Besides, they just did a Target commercial, so they've officially sold out enough.
Cons: "These dang kids play their music too dad-gum loud!"

David Bowie
Pros: Plays a wide variety of music, and seems to fit in with the general theme of rock artists who were really awesome in 1978.
Cons: Producers expressed reluctance to have another woman on stage so soon after Nipplegate.

Anyone culturally relevant in the last five years
Pros: Might actually convince viewers that now is not the time to go get that fourth serving of chicken wings.
Cons: The geezers that make the programming decisions/can actually afford to buy Super Bowl tickets and see them live have never heard of them.

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Week 12 Recap: And Then There Were Two...

-"@%!#"-

And we say a prayer in memoriam for Week 12. It was a great week, full of victory, triumph, and fixin's. The Thanksgiving holiday week spelled victory for both our authors, with Cole furthering his league supremacy and RWPilk kicking off his wild card rally in a big way. What more can one be thankful for?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

That's how you do it.

This week, my team did exactly what it needed to and blew away the competition with the highest score of the week. That bumps me up a few places in my league and puts me in the thick of what is become a pretty crowded wild card race.

It goes without saying that I will need all of my players to continue to put up high, winning numbers (I'm looking at you, TE Kevin Boss!). I'd like to say I'm facing some cupcake matches this week, but none are really standing out. Where are Lions when you need them? Oh, wait that was just this last week. Go Packers!

Hey, can some beat this blowhard below me (pause) sometime soon? I've accepted that he's the league leader and all that, but 10-2? C'mon. If someone doesn't defeat him soon, I'll have to find a way to knock him down a peg in real live. Maybe I'll kick in the shins. More.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

You know what they say: The mark of a good team is that you win even when you're having an off week.

No, wait, that's actual sports. No one says that about fantasy sports.

And I don't know what it is about Pilk's mom, but for whatever reason I can't put up big numbers against her. In the two seasons I've been in this league, I've now played her four times. I've scored more than 80 points against her once, despite being 3-1 in those games.

Does this happen to other people? Is there someone in your league who makes you swear, "I can never have a good week against that guy!"? I really want to know.

Well whatever. One more win and I'm guaranteed the best record in the regular season, making my impending 70-point defeat in the first round of the playoffs all the more tragic.

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