Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action!

Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part II)

2009-12-31T09:18:00.000-05:00

- Imagine how we feel. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, totally not bitter

On to round two of those real-life head coaches that gave ulcers to fake head coaches worldwide. Part One, for those who missed it, showed up yesterday.

4. Jim Caldwell (Indianapolis Colts)
There's only one real offense here (I'm not counting ruining the Donald Brown sleeper pick), and that's sitting the starters during everybody's finals. It's definitely brutal enough to warrant inclusion though: think of the number of people you screwed over by shutting down Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Joseph Addai with 20 minutes left. Imagine counting on Manning with money on the line: "Okay, doing all right, just need one decent touchdown and I'll be golden, still a lot of time left in the third quarter, I'll just-- wha-- but-- who-- Curtis F$^@*ing Painter?!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!" Not cool, bro, not cool.

3. Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans)
They used to call baseball manager Sparky Anderson "Captain Hook" because of his habit of removing relievers with extreme prejudice. Given the overreaction of ol' Koobface to his running backs' fumbleitis pandemic, he may very well have inherited that nickname. We can also come to three bonus conclusions: (1) anyone who drafted Steve Slaton got screwed over down the stretch; (2) anyone who picked up and used Arian Foster for week 15 probably lost their matchup, only to see him score 15 points the next week after they were eliminated; and (3) the Houston Texans will have a new running backs coach next year. Who will make not fumbling a top priority.

2. Lovie Smith (Chicago Bears)
As a rule, we try to avoid profanity on this blog, but holy shit, Lovie Fucking Smith. I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What the hell was that shit? Letting Jay Cutler create more turnovers than a friggin' bakery is one thing. You don't have a backup quarterback; I get that. But you had safety valves: how many times was Greg Olsen -- a preseason top-six tight end -- involved in your game plan? Why must you always aim for your terrible receivers? Also, you had a running back. A real running back. A running back who went for 1,200 yards in his rookie season. But oh no, all he did this year was run into the back of your crappy line 10 times a game, and never touched the ball again.

Normally, with bad picks, you can say things like, "Instead of Dwayne Bowe, I could've had Brandon Marshall or DeSean Jackson" or whatever. Here's a list of running backs you could've had instead of Matt Forte, considering when you drafted him:
- Like all of them.
- Literally anyone else in the National Football League
- Because everyone drafted him in the top five.
- Okay, so Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew, and maybe Michael Turner were already off the board.

And I haven't even started on his terrible defense, which was a preseason sleeper because, allegedly, Smith is a defensive mastermind. Allegedly. Please don't blame their underwhelming performance on injuries, because the way this defense transformed into Mort Goldman ("oh God don't hurt me!") makes it look like Brian Urlacher was the Incredible Hulk in pads and cleats.

1. John Fox (Carolina Panthers)
Honestly, when I sat down to write this, I assumed Lovie Smith was going to take this, far and away. I didn't even really think there'd be competition.

But then I remembered the Carolina Panthers.

Let's start with Jake Delhomme. That guy sucked this year. I guess between him and Kerry Collins, we learned that, hey, there's a reason some of these guys are journeymen. What we also learned was that, if you started any defensive back going up against the Panthers, they would probably end up with more "receptions" and touchdowns than Steve Smith, a premier receiver before the season.

This is only amplified by the performance of some dude named Matt Moore. Now, no offense, but it's not like Johnny Unitas rose from the grave to lead the Panthers to a magical stretch run as super spoilers. Matt Moore is the definition of replacement-level, and for all I know, he was picked out of the stands at halftime Eddie-style. But Moore came in and led the team to back-to-back pastings of the Vikings and Giants, teams that had at one point this season been considered among the class of the NFC.

But that's not the worst of it. Before the season, DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart were a huge one-two running back punch, up there with Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams and (to a lesser extent) Chris Johnson/LenDale White as the rare split in which both backs deserved drafting. But Fox's playcalling meant Williams, a first-rounder, languished early as Delhomme threw pick after pick. Stewart, at least, lived up to expectations thanks to a monster December. But the split meant Williams lost 10 touchdowns to Stewart, just as Williams owners feared.

Add in the defensive struggles that by now are par for the course for this list, and John Fox screwed over people who drafted his star running back and wide receiver, the handful of poor bastards who started Delhomme, and anyone who had faith in his defense. Congratulations, Mr. Fox. Take your trophy of "Biggest Screw-Job of Fantasy Owners", and display it with pride as you listen to irate football fans throughout the greater Charlotte area call for your head.

Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part I)

2009-12-30T13:26:00.005-05:00

- It's just not Eric Mangini's day. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, 108 points in week 16

With the close of week 16, it's time for that time-honored tradition among unsuccessful fantasy football owners: the airing of grievances, in which blame is assigned to everybody but themselves for their crappy fantasy teams. Since I fall in that category, here's a list of the worst real coaches for fantasy purposes.

(This post went longer than I originally anticipated, so I'm saving the last four for tomorrow.)

9. Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
No, I'm not listing him for that whole fourth-down thing against the Colts, and I'm not going to criticize his defense's performance, since I told you the Patriots' defense was going to be weak this year. I am, however, going to include him based on his egregious sin of the "running back by committee". True, injuries limited the damage this did, and the Pats don't run the ball especially well anyway. But I'm 25 points up in my two-week finals because Dave started Laurence Maroney (0 points) as opposed to Sammy Morris (15 points).

8. Josh McDaniels (Denver Broncos)
Pilk wants me to include him for his little pissing match with Brandon Marshall at the beginning of the season, and that's fair, since it cost Marshall some playing time and left fantasy owners scrambling a little. But it also meant Marshall became an absolute steal once he found the field, so really, his megalomanaical power play turned into a solid sleeper pick, as well as helping team discipline.

7. Eric Mangini (Cleveland Browns)
If you were relying on any members of the Cleveland Browns to take you to the fantasy football promised land, well, then I'm sorry for you. But when you consider the stellar performances of Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs over the second half of the season, it's a little infuriating to think that Mangini kept trotting out Jamal Lewis week after wasted week. I'd complain about the whole nuclear-launch-code-style secrecy surrounding the choice between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn, but if those were your starting quarterback options, you'd wait as long as possible to make your decision public too. Poor dude was probably hoping for a cyanide pill.

6. Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans)
Fisher at least made strides over last year, making sure touchdown vulture extraordinaire LenDale White saw more than his fair share of pine. But to stubbornly insist on playing your 40-year-old career journeyman quarterback despite starting the season 0-5, and despite being down 45-0 at halftime, and despite having the third-overall pick in the 2006 draft holding a clipboard... The Titans haven't looked like quite the world-beaters they were last year, but they looked a lot closer once Vince Young started taking the field. Frankly, the only thing saving Fisher's skin in real life is his 13 years with the team, and his hypnotically sweet moustache.

5. Dick Jauron (formerly Buffalo Bills)
The guy lost his job, so maybe that's enough, but if Fisher gets mentioned for sticking with Collins too long, I have to complain about Jauron: "Oh, look at that, Marshawn Lynch is back from his suspension. And just in time too! It's not like Fred Jackson was tearing up the lea... he was? Oh. Well, we can't have that." Factor in the early success of Ryan Fitzpatrick and you wonder just what exactly he was using to assign playing time.

Wow, You're Terrible

2009-12-30T08:53:00.004-05:00

-I'm sorry, that's incorrect.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 9-7, destroyed in the finals

Just when I thought the blog was winding down, Cole goes and writes a bunch a posts. Oh, we're doing things now? Well, Jesus, let me get on a bathrobe, at least. Christ. Banging on doors at eleven o'clock in the morning... what are we, Amish? Whatever, here we go.

As you can see above, although I made the Seinfeld League superbowl... well, let's save that for later. Cole and I will whip up some kind of analysis of our experimental season later. But for now, let's make fun of someone. Oh hello, Oakland Raiders.

When I'm on MSNBC and have had enough reading about pig diseases and balloon children, I usually stop by PFT for a laugh or two. Yesterday, they reported that Oakland coach Tom Cable took some time away from his busy schedule of punching things to blame his QB, JaMarcus Russel, for all of Oakland's woes. And god knows, there's a lot of them.

"It's a quarterback-driven league," says Cable, "Without even asking that question (would you have done better with an average QB), you know we would have." (burn.)

Seems a little unfair to me. Still, what is it like to suck so much the Oakland Raiders diss you? Goddamn. That's like being told you'll also need a second pair of training wheels on your front bike tire. Yeah, it's not what all the kids have to do. My mom told me that. She lied.

This Whole Post Bothers Me

2009-12-29T12:17:00.005-05:00

- "Coach, your daughter's five. You could've at least stopped blocking her shots." -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, Embarrassed in the First Round

The Sunday afternoon tilt between the New York Jets and the ~~undefeated~~ Indianapolis Colts was broadcast throughout much of the country on CBS. So if you're like me and tried to get escape the familial obligations with a little pigskin, then some big drunk uncle took the remote while you were getting more egg biscuits and started watching Jeff Dunham. Pain in the ass.

But I'm going to assume that you were more viligant than I, and that you saw head coach Jim Caldwell channel his inner Jim Mora and pull his starters in the third quarter against a Jets team fighting for its playoff life. The Colts, leading 15-10 at the time, allowed 19 unanswered points and lost 29-15.

Now, there's two ways to look at this. The gut reaction of the sports blogger is to criticize, so let's touch on that first: by sitting his starters, Caldwell does a disservice to the history of the NFL by not continuing to strive for perfection. And let's not forget the fans who paid in body parts for seats at Lucas Oil Stadium to see the Colts' B-squad. No wonder they were mad. If this were Philly, we'd be talking about the poor decision of the late Jim Caldwell.

Of course, the counterargument is that by resting his starters, Caldwell prevented a horrific, season-ending injury to Peyton Manning that would have resulted in more time spent filming commercials. So really, we should be thanking him for that. Plus we don't have to listen to Mercury Morris talk about the damn kids in his neighborhood again.

But that's all pretty hackneyed, and if we're going to recycle jokes, we might as well go whole hog:

Aah. Look at that sweet Zapruder-style footage.

Honestly, this whole post may have been an excuse to link to that video again. But let me leave with this: the running joke on Jim Caldwell was that no one knew that he was actually coaching (or, for that matter, awake) during Colts games.

Well, they know he's awake now.

Happy Holidays from SSFA!

2009-12-24T13:48:00.007-05:00

-Ready... set-- goddamn it.-

From everyone here at SSFA! Happy Holidays and a Happy 2010. Thanks for reading and sticking with us this season. While RWPilk and Cole are still deciding what to do now that their epic rivalry is resolved. But you can at least look forward to fantasy football '09 analysis and a few chuckles coming soon. In the meantime, enjoy the holiday weekend match-ups, our new poll and wish RWPilk as he plays in the Seinfeld League final. We'll catch up with you after the eggnog.

Fantasy Football '09 Wrap Up: Live!

2009-12-21T19:01:00.052-05:00

-No pressure, big guy.-

Uh... so, yeah. Our authors Cole and RWPilk gotta little tied up yesterday and didn't keep up with any of the live blogging. I mean they were literally tied up. Yeah, Albanian rebels seized their apartment and drank all their beer right in front of them. Good God, the humanity. But they're back now and ready to enjoy some MNF and discuss the epic match up that was this weekend (and perhaps this oh, so illustrious fantasy season as a whole). So get the refresh button ready... 'cause it be on!

Monday Night Football
Giants vs Redskins
8:30pm on ESPN

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall
Current Score: 93

Alright, let's kick this mofo off. Apologies for the abandoned live blog yesterday for those who joined us for awesomeness. But we'll try and bring the awesomeness here tonight, it hasn't expired yet. We smelled it to make sure. Our fantasy teams were busy, however, doing what they do best: scoring points and inspiring heavy drinking. But more on that later.

And that was kick off, Giants with the ball. Fantasy players aside (Ganther and Boss for me tonight) I think I'm rooting for the Giants tonight. They're so scrappy. You just wanna eat'em up! And that's Bradshaw already with a TD. He'll enjoy it on my bench.

Cole
Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Current Score: 59

ell, you really did it to me this time, Pilki -- ait, the Giants are scrappy? They're from Ne York. No one from Ne York has ever been the "little guy". No ay.

But my life is miserable tonight. My fantasy team embarrassed itself out there all around. Every crappy bust I had all year let me down, but so did every clever pickup I made this eek. No my thumbs are broken, I'm eating soup and toast because I have no money for food, and I broke my "vv" key, so you on't see any of those all night.

Oh good, now it's time for Tom Coughlin and Jim Zorn to star in "The Men ho Stare Blankly at the Field." Aesome.

RWPilk
Cole's had a tough week, the prophetic missing "w" from his keyboard. Yes. No "w" for Cole this week, barring some kind of TE Fred Davis miracle game. Bradshaw is kicking ass tonight. Perhaps RB Ganther was a bad replacement move... Oh man, that's another touchdown for him. Between him and TE Todd Heap, my coaching rating is going straight into the toilet.

Cole
Coach rating. hat a pain in the ass. All that means is you have no options on your bench that are in the vicinity of being orthhile. You ant a useful measure, look at points. For instance, Mark ill be joining you in the finals despite being ... 10th in the league?! hat the hell is that shit? hatever.

Regardless, I don't kno hat I'm going to do next eek no. atch the games normally? Then I'll end up critiquing things like the fact that the Redskins are earing red pants and red jerseys. Yamahama.

RWPilk
It's Giants 17, Redskins nothing with just over 6 minutes left in the 2Q. This a really quick game. So let's get to the nitty gritty: Cole, my man, what the hell happened this week? I was shaking in my boots all week. 11-3! No one close to that record. Now you need TE Davis to score like 40 points to have a prayer against the Moses. Give us the breakdown.

Cole
Oh it's broken. Look, here's the deal: my running backs had orse eeks than your receivers. Like infinitely orse. Chris Johnson scored 13 and Ray Rice had nine, but hen Reggie ayne and Miles Austin both drop 19 on me, it's a big hole to climb back from.

I got eight points from both of my receivers combined, and a nice -1 from Arian Foster, thanks to a fumble on the first drive and subsequent burial on the bench by Gary "Captain Hook" Kubiak. But I'd like to give a big middle-finger to the asshole ho said, "Hopefully u weren't burned by the #Texans backfield. Yes, Foster was a hot pickup, but that didn't make him a must-play!!!" Maybe not, but the fact that everyone and their mother told me to start him, that made him a must-play.

One more thing I've learned here this season: if you have a defense that you picked up off aivers, and they're ranked #1 based solely on their ability to score defensive touchdons, you should trade them for a real defense before they crap the bed against decent offenses. But that's another story for another day.

RWPilk
I've been between 1st and 3rd all season with my receiving. Austin, Marshall, Wayne. Can't complain there (although I'm sure I did a bunch of times). To be honest, I thought I was finished after Saturday night's special presentation of Thursday night football when Brees walked away from the game with 1 TD, 1 pick, 2 fumble, and 11 points. With the New Orleans defeat, I thought Cole had sealed the deal. I didn't really relax until RB McCoy found the end zone Sunday evening. I really thought you had it.

The Redskins just bombed it down the field. Positive yards for these guys. Finally. And a drop in the end zone by Fred Davis. Yikes.

Cole
Until McCoy? You ere up 30 from the end of the Saturday night game on. This as a orse game than the Redskins-Giants debacle e're currently atching. hat is that deal ith that special teams debacle by the Redskins at the end of the half. Oy.

RWPilk
Halftime: Giants 24, Redskins 0. I think Jim Zorn has left. He's bored. Like us. How many competitive games have we live blogged? One? We're a total live blog jinx.

I'd like to give a shout out to the four votes that came in to our poll today voting for me after yesterday's score was posted. I admire your courage. Thomas Jefferson, Susan B. Anthony, residents of the new Iraq... you share their spirit. Shine on.

Cole
Hey, I voted for you like 4 pm yesterday. Until next time, Gadget.

RWPilk
No, no, no, you're not going anywhere yet. Fred Davis just scored a touchdown. That puts you down by only 29! This is what we call a code red, people! Well, maybe not red. A more soothing color. A code lavender!

Cole
Yeah, pause. That's orth a pause. Oh, hello Kevin Boss.

RWPilk
Boss ran down an official. That should be extra points. That puts me at 99 and Cole at 67. Summer of Love, Bryan. Summer of Love.

Cole
Yeah yeah aesome. Meanhile, I spent hours and hours poring over scouting reports, carefully selecting a lineup, and I got outscored by pretty much everyone else in the league. If you're going to lose, you might go out with a bang so people say, "Man! No that guy got CANNED!" Losing on a nebulous tiebreaker ould almost be orse.

RWPilk
Wow... just-- wow. Jason Campbell just lobbed it to an opposing player like they were playing catch out in the ol' back yard. That makes it 38 to 6, Giants. Bryan reports that "Redskins" is a trending topic over at Twitter. It's popular like slowing down to see a bloody accident on the side of the road is popular.

Cole
Redskins punch it in but don't get the to-point conversion. This isn't even a game. This isn't even an approximation of a game. This is like, if you're playing Cranium and you have to dra a picture of "football game" with your eyes closed and your left hand, that's what this game is.

ait, as that Ganther? Oh for...can I go already?

RWPilk
Oh, they're throwing punches! They're fighting! Oh man. This game is awful. Even the players are like f*** it, let's rumble. And, yes, that was RB Ganther in the end zone... making me not look like a complete idiot.

Cole
Fred Davis collects a couple more yards in garbage time and I at least collected 12 points from my tight end. I don't kno hen the last time I got that many points from a tight end, but I did get 16 over my last five eeks. Lovie Smith and Greg Olsen, you too are not on my Christmas card list. You either Matt Forte.

Ah, scre it. One more time!

RWPilk
We've said it before, tight ends are tough. Anything four is an above average score for them. Unless you have Clark or something. Alright the commentators are talking about how tall the Manning brothers are. If they can't make this game interesting, we sure as hell aren't. Any last words, Cole?

Cole
I can't post that Khan video again, can I?

RWPilk
No.

Broke Up the Post Pattern

2009-12-21T12:13:00.003-05:00

- CBS Sports' crack team creates playoff tiebreaker scenarios. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Woof. That was one of the most embarrassing performances in recent memory.

Only a couple of posts all day? Pathetic. At least we had that open-comment thing going on, which was kind of cool.

Oh yeah, and my team sucked up the place too.

Don't worry, though. We're going to recap everything tonight anyway. Copious amounts of alcohol are listed as "probable".

Join us tonight for MNF!
NY Giants vs WAS Redskins
8:30PM EST on ESPN

Sabbath Day Spectacular: Live!

2009-12-19T20:33:00.025-05:00

-Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Can't we settle on a handshake?-

Join us one and all for one damn good fantasy football showdown! Our authors Cole and RWPilk are locked head-to-head in an end-all, be-all playoff battle! Who will win? Who's fantasy sports theory will have to eat the most crow? It's all come down to this! Our brave scribes will update throughout today with live updates on their score as today's NFL happenings will seal their fates forever! So, keep that refresh button ready (most recent updates at the top) and watch all the insanity unfold! It's on!

Live Score:
Cole's Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine: 59
RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses: 92
-total Sunday score-

RWPilk
I'm lucking out here with two fumbles by Cole's guys early in the 1pm game. RBs Johnson and Foster with the butter fingers... Meanwhile in the Patriots game, Bills look like they could give them a little trouble. But it at least look like Moss is paying attention this week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

I really expected a lot of trash talking, but mercifully both parties seem to be playing the humble defeatist card, trying to out-woe the other all weekend. It's another battle I'm prepared to lose this weekend, and as I shiver in my still-heatless room, I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. Rob has a 49-10 advantage on me with Brees, Austin and Wayne down; mercifully, that's most of his big guns, but it still means I'll have to have a very good week in order to beat him, especially given the five points I got from both the Saints' defense and kicker.

Couple of last-minute audibles: Matt Forte finds the bench -- again -- in favor of Arian Foster of Houston, while Antonio Bryant of Tampa Bay replaces the off-again, off-some-more-again Calvin Johnson who should see quadruple coverage against the Cardinals.

Oh well. At least the house Christmas party means that I've started drinking already.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I can't tell if I'm in good shape or not. While WR Reggie Wayne and WR Miles Austin were pretty great... however Brees just barely got into double digits with 11 points. Not good. Still, there's a lot of football left. My score won't change until after 4pm EST... But here's hoping that Cole's team doesn't get too far ahead before that happens. Yikes.

Playoff Preview: Clash of the Titans

2009-12-17T23:53:00.013-05:00

-Nineteen points is nineteen points, Reggie. Doesn't mean you get to come on to me.-

This one's for all the marbles! In an unexpected turn of events, our authors clash head-to-head in the first week of fantasy football playoffs, once and for all settling their fantasy sports theory dispute! It's Cole's Flabby Armed Spanking Machine against RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses... a death match bound to end in tears! Let's go to them now for all of the ugly, mortifying, soul-crushing details! You bring the tissues.

And don't miss our Sabbath day spectatcular as SSFA! will update continuously through the NFL games on Sunday, December 20th as our two esteemed authors duke it out! Blood, tears, hissy fits... just the thing to put you in the holiday spirit! See you then!

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

Right around 11 pm last night, it all went to hell for me. Reggie Wayne caught a 65-yard touchdown pass that turned a subpar performance into a stellar one, and gave me a 19-point hole to dig out of. And then the heat stopped working -- just in my bedroom. I threw something in frustration, and it broke a key off my keyboard. Naturally. So as I cried myself to sleep on the couch in the living room, I realized this was not going to be my lucky weekend.

At this point, I'm sure my opponent is jumping up and down at his good fortune and I'm sure you expect me to be loudly and obnoxiously proclaiming my doom, so I'm glad we both played into those stereotypes anyway. One may have expected some trash talking but that seems fruitless, especially given the semi-random nature of fantasy sports. I will say this though: for as much as Pilk over there wants to talk about his Theory, he was pretty damn quiet about it when he was floundering around .500 and considering benching Drew Brees.

Meanhwile, in other action, Rob's friend Mark takes on Gi, with Gi the heavy favorite thanks in large part to a huge game by Peyton Manning and the continued injury-based woes of Michael Turner. Sorry Gi, but you know I'm rooting for Mark, since he scored 60 points in the regular season finale and will probably still be hurting next week.

Assuming I don't embarrass myself first.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I'm off to a good start with Reggie Wayne, unjinxed and back in action with 19 points from last night's game. That already puts the Sweet Fancy Moses ahead of the CBS Guru estimation, which is only worth mentioning because they have Cole beating me by like 40 points. What is this? Week 4? I don't think so.

I also made (what I hope to be) my last waiver wire grabs of the year. In for RB Darren Sproles and my "please god, just touch the ball" running back strategy is RB Quinten Ganther from Washington who's supposed to be hot hot hot (pause). And Matt Prater was recruited as well, the kicker from Denver. Yeah, that's right, I'm still tweaking my kickers. I'd leave it alone if everyone else was getting a 2-4 kicker score every week, but a lot of people in my league are breaking double digits. I can't risk it. Welcome aboard, guys. Whatever you do, don't bugger this up.

And that's about it. Brees, Austin, Marshall... they're set it and forget it. They've taken me this far... and by this far, I mean locked me in the bowels of the league standings until the last 4 Weeks. But I gotta let them do their thing. And let me say that it's fun to have the opportunity to play Cole again. He's an okay guy in small doses. Small, tie-me-down, inject-painfully-into-your-brain stem doses. Cause that's what this blog is all about. Friendship.

Half

2009-12-16T08:08:00.013-05:00

-That's one suspicious tie.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

Let's face it, you can't be a sports blog right now unless Tiger Woods is on it. We've checked with lawyers. It's the law. So here's our obligatory Tiger Woods post. And if you call right now, we'll include our very first SSFA! golf post... FREE!

Actually, there's actually good news to report for Tiger Woods fans: he'll be playing again soon. Just few days after it was announced on his website that he's taking an indefinite leave from golf, his scorned many times over again (and again) wife may have him back on the links sooner than you think. She's gonna take half of his money.

Reports are that Elin Nodegren (which is also the model of my desk from Ikea) wants to split the 337.5 million Tiger's earned during their marriage right down the middle. Oh, wait... that's in pounds? Well, she better stay away from the States, then. Her husband banged like two dozen different chicks, she deserves more than half of $37.50.

So, I get the feeling Tiger will be back puttin' through the ol' miniature windmills sooner than he thinks. He's probably going to have to re-think some of his endorsements, though. Hell, Ambien is trying to get over that whole killing Heath Ledger thing, they should be jumping all over this! But seriously, leave you're new favorite Tiger Woods endorsement products in the comments. Funniest one gets a brand new unicorn. Made of ice cream.

Week 14 Recap: Playoff Bound!

2009-12-13T16:43:00.016-05:00

-It's good?! It's fan-freakin'-tastic!!!-

In tale that couldn't have been written, the SSFA! fantasy football battle plunges into high drama! In an long-shot comeback, RWPilk's team has swept its division... and earned a place in the playoffs! Now, Cole must lead his 1st place team into a re-match for the ages! Stay with us, folks, it doesn't get much better than this! The gauntlet is thrown, and all will finally know the truth about fantasy sports! Let's go to our authors now for the recap of these incredible events!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

This week, I have very little to say. But I think I've found something that sums it up quite nicely:

I won't gloat. Gloating would imply that I had something to do with the comeback my team has made. But that's not what my fantasy football theory is all about. Instead, I celebrate that my theory has legs... and the chance to be proven correct! Still, it feels good that my "team" went out and did exactly what it needed to do and swept my division (special shout out to WR Brandon Marshall for putting up record-breaking numbers). Fan-f***ing-tastic.

That is all. Ladies. Gentlemen. Cole? I'll see you all... next week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

You will never see a more disheartened 11-3 owner.

Beating the Moops 113-85 in the regular season finale was nice and all, but once again I left massive points on the bench thanks to Reggie Bush's two touchdowns and Matt Forte being, well, Khan.

So now I have a week to figure out how to get more than a dozen points out of my receivers. My options are Calvin Johnson (note to self: send Get Well Soon bouquet to Matt Stafford), Dwayne Bowe (off a suspension), Kenny Britt, Austin Collie, or Jerricho Cotchery (note to self: suicide = painless). And don't even bring up Greg "This-Could-Be-a-Good-Sleeper-TE-Pick" Olsen.

I'm off to the shrines I built to Chris Johnson and Ray Rice to see if they can't bail me out. Again. Time to call the boss and tell him I'm developing a severe illness that will incapacitate me for the next two weeks. How about shingles? Painful, contagious, common ... that might be the trick.

Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

2009-12-11T13:35:00.004-05:00

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

2009-12-08T15:24:00.019-05:00

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.

Playooooffs??? You Talkin About Playooooffs???

2009-12-07T13:48:00.004-05:00

-Are you excited? Yeah, me neither to be honest...-

DennyP!

Guest Columnist

So it was a lazy, rainy Saturday afternoon here at the home base for SSFA! Normally things are very exciting around here: yelling at cats, drinking beers on the couch, playing darts for hours at a time because no one can close out on bullseye. Today I needed a rest from such 'excitement', so I just sat and watched some good old-fashioned college football.

It was the matchup of all matchups! #1 Florida versus #2 Alabama squaring off for the SEC Championship. Only the 4th time in college football history #1 has faced #2 in a non-bowl game. Sixty-nine year old Verne Lundquist was as giddy as a school boy to broadcast this game. But hey, i guess he is a young school boy compared to broadcaster Vin Scully.

Watching this game, I felt obligated to raise the issue of whether college football should have a playoff to decide the National Championship. Now normally I do not get too excited about playoffs in general because often the 'best' team does not win:

The NBA playoffs are dreadful because the style of the game changes compared to the regular season. Its much more physical, teams can't fastbreak if they want to, and the refs call the fouls differently. Just ask the up-tempo Pheonix Suns every year or especially the 2007 Dallas Mavericks who were an NBA best 67-15 and lost their opening playoff series.

The NFL playoffs are notorious for the 'best' team not winning because its single elimination. Although I admit its not always the case, can you honestly disagree and say the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals were the two best teams in football last year! I would also love to use 2007 as a classic example (the 10-6 Giants beating the 16-0 Pats) but I won't being incredibly biased on this issue...

However, I feel like a playoff would be perfect for college football. Hundreds of teams only play 13 games or so there is no way all the key rivals face each other. We all know the deal, a computer picks the two best teams and they face off with at least 1 team getting snubbed and never getting a chance to prove themselves. Its not rocket science, just add more teams and have a 4 or 8 team playoff to decide the title. There's even a 3 week layoff between this weekend's conference championships and the title game. BRILLIANT!

Take this year's results. Alabama spanked #1 Florida in the SEC Championsip to go undefeated at 13-0 and solidify them as the top dog. But now who do they play for the National Championship??? Undefeated Texas? Undefeated TCU? Undefeated Cincinnati? Undefeated Boise State? All these teams have not lost a game and, for 3 of them, that won't be good enough to be considered for a title (and its not the first time for Boise State who was the ONLY undefeated team in 2006 but were not chosen to play in the National Championship)?!

I think this is rather obvious. If you want to name a college football champion, then have a playoff. I have no problem keeping the long-standing tradition of the bowl games, but please, do not call a single team the best because a computer said so. I dunno fellow sports enthusiasts, what do you think?

Week 13 Preview: Guru Voodoo

2009-12-04T22:05:00.011-05:00

-C'mon, I carried the one!-

And lucky Week 13 is upon us. Will it spell doom for RWPilk's final rally into playoff contention? Or will it--... well, nothing really bad can happen to Cole's team now. He's clinched. But maybe something annoying will happen. Yes... yes, something dreadfully annoying. Maybe McNabb will suffer a hangnail. Or Matt Forte will kneel at the 1. Or Pilk will steal the last of Cole's laundry detergent for the week. Yes... yes, something dreadful indeed.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

My fear when I started this season was that I am dangerously unqualified to run a fantasy sports blog, and that it would demonstrate itself over the course of the season. Anyone who's watched the abysmal performance of my receivers ("Jason Avant or Kenny Britt? Hmmm...") might argue that that's still the case, but by and large I haven't embarrassed myself this year. With one win, I wrap up the best regular-season record in the league.

It's the same in my other league with Ted and Mike. Ted and I both have 9-3 records, and are matching up head-to-head for the only time in the regular season. Since the playoffs start next week (two-week playoffs! I think I like it; more on that later), the winner gets the best regular season record. ESPN's predictions notwithstanding, it's hard not to feel like I'm the underdog. Look at that passing game: Brady! Moss! AP! LDT! Welker! ...Mendenhall? Oh, against the Raiders. Okay, Menden--ah, you get the point. Some shrewd roster manipulation by Mr. Hall, whose averaged 3 or 4 moves a week over the course of the season. You put that much time in, you deserve it. But, like I said, the "expert" predictions give me a 14-point edge, so my plucky little autodraft squad might stand a chance to ruin everyone's fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the Seinfeld League scores for the next hour and pray that someone forgets to take out Matt Ryan.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

The CBS fantasy program has this thing, which I'm sure other fantasy hosting sites have, where it "predicts" what your players are going to score in the coming week. I would go on to detail what criteria is used to dictate how the "guru" comes up with these numbers, but I have no idea. That's the point. Break it down for the Moses', O Guru of Gurus:

QB Brees (v WAS): 21
RB McCoy (v ATL): 15
RB Sproles (v CLE): 2 (#%@$!)
WR Wayne (v TEN): 14
WR Austin (v NYG): 13
TE Boss (v DAL): 10
WR Marhsall (v KC): 14
K Gould (v STL): 11
DST Packers (v BAL): 7

That's a 107 sum. A good score. Why all the calculating? Because this week, the guru has me beating our guest columnist Gina, who arguably has the scariest team in the league. There are no byes or big injuries, just straight starters. God knows I'm no calculatin' Cole, like upstairs there, so I admit, I've relied on the guru a few times for some answers. And they're almost always wrong answers.

The guru has never ever been right. Not really. And now, this week, I have to ask that it is.

Crap.

Things They Do Look Awful Cold

2009-12-03T15:20:00.001-05:00

- The second monolith sent to Earth was not as well received. -

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall
As you probably know by now, The Who -- or what's left of them -- will be performing at halftime of Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, ensuring that the billion people who watch the Super Bowl will unite as one, rise up, and say, "There HAS to be something else on."

Naturally, at times like this, we stop and wonder what else could have been. Well, wonder no more, my friends. Because of my good looks, charm, and Real Housewives of DC-style party-crashing abilities, I was able to attend several meetings with the halftime show producers as they ran through the list of candidates. Here are some other names they were considering:

Bob Dylan
Pros: The musical legend, perpetually on tour, has no counterculture scruples left and at this point is down for just about anything.
Cons: Dear God, have you heard the man recently?

Michael Jackson
Pros: "Everyone's been talking about him recently, plus he's got that new movie and everything!"
Cons: Three main problems: (1) "Didn't we just have that Prince guy? He's basically the same thing." (2) Fear of angry PETA protests over Bubbles the Chimp. (3) A staffer informed the producers that he was, in fact, dead.

Pearl Jam
Pros: Big sports fans; everyone knows their first album was named after Mookie Blaylock. Besides, they just did a Target commercial, so they've officially sold out enough.
Cons: "These dang kids play their music too dad-gum loud!"

David Bowie
Pros: Plays a wide variety of music, and seems to fit in with the general theme of rock artists who were really awesome in 1978.
Cons: Producers expressed reluctance to have another woman on stage so soon after Nipplegate.

Anyone culturally relevant in the last five years
Pros: Might actually convince viewers that now is not the time to go get that fourth serving of chicken wings.
Cons: The geezers that make the programming decisions/can actually afford to buy Super Bowl tickets and see them live have never heard of them.

Week 12 Recap: And Then There Were Two...

2009-12-01T12:01:00.018-05:00

-"@%!#"-

And we say a prayer in memoriam for Week 12. It was a great week, full of victory, triumph, and fixin's. The Thanksgiving holiday week spelled victory for both our authors, with Cole furthering his league supremacy and RWPilk kicking off his wild card rally in a big way. What more can one be thankful for?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

That's how you do it.

This week, my team did exactly what it needed to and blew away the competition with the highest score of the week. That bumps me up a few places in my league and puts me in the thick of what is become a pretty crowded wild card race.

It goes without saying that I will need all of my players to continue to put up high, winning numbers (I'm looking at you, TE Kevin Boss!). I'd like to say I'm facing some cupcake matches this week, but none are really standing out. Where are Lions when you need them? Oh, wait that was just this last week. Go Packers!

Hey, can some beat this blowhard below me (pause) sometime soon? I've accepted that he's the league leader and all that, but 10-2? C'mon. If someone doesn't defeat him soon, I'll have to find a way to knock him down a peg in real live. Maybe I'll kick in the shins. More.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

You know what they say: The mark of a good team is that you win even when you're having an off week.

No, wait, that's actual sports. No one says that about fantasy sports.

And I don't know what it is about Pilk's mom, but for whatever reason I can't put up big numbers against her. In the two seasons I've been in this league, I've now played her four times. I've scored more than 80 points against her once, despite being 3-1 in those games.

Does this happen to other people? Is there someone in your league who makes you swear, "I can never have a good week against that guy!"? I really want to know.

Well whatever. One more win and I'm guaranteed the best record in the regular season, making my impending 70-point defeat in the first round of the playoffs all the more tragic.

MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

2009-11-30T20:53:00.065-05:00

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege ~~Kenny Bania~~ Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to ~~Den~~ Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

This Monday: MNF Live Blog!

2009-11-29T15:16:00.000-05:00

-Our prediction? Pain. And jambalaya.-

Yes, it's that time of year again! It's time for another installment of SSFA! Live Blogging! This week: Patriots and Saints Monday Night Football! Awesome. Join Cole and RWPilk as they blog it out whilst these two teams engage in what is sure to be one of the best MNF matchups of the year. Who knows what'll happen or who will join us! Maybe Santa! Would like that, kids? Would you like it if Santa live blogged with Cole and RWPilk? Leave out some PBR and cookies and we'll talk.

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
Monday, November 30th, 2009
ESPN at 8:30pm

Week 12 Preview: Turkey Hangover

2009-11-27T20:02:00.009-05:00

-Stay down before you throw a 5th interception.-

With three Turkey Day games already in the books, a good chunk of Week 12 is almost over... but almost don't feed the bulldog. As Cole kicks back and prays none of his players get injured for the playoffs, RWPilk is waist-deep in rally city. Can he come back and clash pretend helmets with Cole in the post season? Will Cole finish out the season strong with a healthy crew? Let's go bug them now for some non-answers. They got nothing else better to do. Trust us.

Cole

Current Standing: 9-2, 1st Overall

Thanksgiving games are weird, man.

I mean, I guess all the Thursday games are weird: they throw off your schedule, they shorten the amount of time you can hit the waiver wire, you have no chance to trash talk before the games, etc. But last year I spent Thanksgiving -- a time of family and friends and being grateful for what you have -- cursing at a 40-year-old, humble, all-American success story because he started off slow in a game few rational people cared about.

It could be because I'm deeply disturbed, or it could be because fantasy football makes madmen of us all. Regardless, I was relieved to find that this year, only my kicker was playing on Thanksgiving, so I was safe in lapsing into a tryptophan-induced* coma. I even got an unexpected bonus: opposing quarterback Eli Manning proved to be less than unstoppable, picking up five points on the evening.

This weekend has a couple of interesting fantasy matchups, beyond the Saints-Pats game we'll be covering. Chief among them might be the Falcons-Bucs game, as everyone who swiped Jason Snelling off the waiver wire hopes for a second productive week before Michael Turner returns to his rightful place as the feature back in Atlanta. Turner could probably play through his high ankle sprain if he had to this week. But a weak matchup against a hapless Tampa Bay defense means he'll probably get a little more rest for the stretch run.

Sounds logical, right? All right, Snelling, I'm sending Khan to the bench for you. It's go time.

___________
*-Wikipedia tells me that, actually, there's not that much tryptophan in turkey, and that it's all the carbohyrdates (stuffing, potatoes, beer, etc.) that makes you sleepy. Thanks, professor!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

After it was all said and done, and all the belts were loosened, I had a pretty productive Thanksgiving. Four of my players played Turkey Day, and the Packers D, WR Miles Austin, and WR Brandon Marshall put up some really good numbers. My new TE Kevin Boss, after exploding last week, finally came down to earth with a tight end score that looks like everyone else's. Ah, well.

So, onward we march to Sunday, where I really want to see some big numbers from a few people who are due. Exhibit A: Colts WR Reggie Wayne. It's my own fault really, I called him a "sure thing" a few weeks back, and he hasn't found the end zone since. Forgive me, Reggie. And score.

Exhibit B are my RBs. I can just see my '09 wrap-up analysis now: where the hell were all my running backs? They've been constantly rotating slots with no big scores. Right now PHI LeSean McCoy and SD Darren Sproles are in there. No great shakes, but c'mon, one or two dives into the end zone is all I'm askin'!

And yeah, I want a good kicker score. ARI Neil Rackers is hurt... so now I got CHI Robbie Gould in there. Playing the Vikings this week. Let's hope they can get close enough for a few field goals.

That brings us to Drew Brees. Ah, Monday Night Football. Be sure to join Cole and I for yet another hysterical episode of SSFA! Live Blogging. It's sure to be an offensive showcase for both teams... but I'm really just hoping the Saints throw it down. WHODAT!?

Now Eat Your Peas

2009-11-26T11:44:00.001-05:00

-You can't spell "turducken" without-- uhhh... BOOM!-

From our indigestion to yours, everyone here at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! would like to wish all our readers a Happy Thanksgiving (Yes, all nine of you). You know, that historical day when the Redskins showed the Patriots how to grow corn or whatever, but, more importantly, how to toss the ol' pigskin around. What a joyous time it was! And then the Patriots turned into Cowboys, Steelers, and 49ers ran the Redskins and their Chiefs all out on their Colts and Broncos so that they couldn't even enjoy their Buffalo Bills anymore. What a shame... what a shame.

For your viewing pleasure, don't forget to mix in a little pigskin of your own with your mash potatoes and quality-time inspired drinking:

Packers vs Lions at 12:30pm
on FOX

Raiders vs Cowboys at 4:15pm
on CBS

Giants vs Broncos at 8:20pm
on NFLN

Gimme Five

2009-11-26T08:13:00.000-05:00

-Up high! Down low! Too SLOW! ...That'll be five yards.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Nothing screams rompin' good fun like an official statement to the press dispelling the occurrence of a high five.

This week, the media was abuzz with an apparent high five that occured between QB Vince Young and ref Jerome Boger at the end of Titans/Texans MNF. I love stuff like this. Honestly, it looks like a coincidence, but it comes at just the right time where there's little buzzes floating around about refs favoring certain players and all that kinda nonsense/reality. Yee Haw! Eat it up, sports media outlets! I'm gonna run and grab Chris Berman a bib.

Of course, NFL suits are falling over themselves trying to deny it. Happenstance, they say. Serendipitous, yet unintentional, palm slapping. Perfectly understandable. The NFL then added, "Tweet about this, and we'll kill you."

Below is really, REALLY bad footage of it happening. Is it true? A hoax?! YOU decide!

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This footage looks familiar... I could swear I've seen this camera work before...

Well, and there you have. That proves it. Pure, unadulterated FACT.

Week 11 Recap: Long Shot City, Population: Moses

2009-11-22T17:39:00.018-05:00

- Welcome to the party, pa -- oh, whoops, wrong McClane. -

Week 11 leads to a divergence of sorts for our authors! While Cole prepares to fortify his roster for the playoffs, RWPilk scrambles to rally his way back into contention.

Ah hell, did I give it away? Man, I suck at this. Fine, read the wrapup. And oh yeah, the Pats-Saints game will be live-blogged (liveblogged? liveblog'd?) next Monday night right here at SSFA!. And probably other places as well. But ours is way better.

Cole

Current Standing: 9-2, 1st Overall

One of these weeks I've got to get around to writing the recap titles. Be that as it may, I still get a chance to revel in the fact that I now own a four-game lead with three weeks to go, giving me the Apartment Division title and a berth in the playoffs. I'm lord of the manor, master of my domain, king of the county, etc.

It was a hard-fought battle with Jim to clinch, though; I had a one-point lead going into the Monday night game as Chris Johnson (on my squad) battled Andre Johnson (on Jim's). Years of pent-up sports-based superstition came out in full force, and I stopped moving somewhere after halftime to prevent some sort of negative feng shui from conspiring against Chris Johnson's yardage total (and don't think I've forgotten your transgression, LenDale White). By the end of the fourth quarter, I was rooting for Kris Brown's field goal attempt to sail wide (which it did), just so I could collapse in a peaceful, victorious exhaustion.

Now that's a high-quality game.

Things could have been a lot easier for me, I admit: I guessed wrong with my receivers for the 27th time, sitting Jerricho Cotchery (80+ yds, 1 TD) for Steve Breaston (no receptions). And Jason Snelling's moment in the sun (20 fantasy points) was wasted on my bench behind Khan (7 points). But these things happen.

Besides, I still want to talk about the touchdown vultures. Aside from White's two carries for two yards and six points, there's also the case of LeRon McClain in Baltimore, the Island-of-Misfit-Toys version. Sunday against Indianapolis, when the Ravens had first and goal at the one, the Ravens ran the ball three times: twice to McClain, and once to Joe Flacco, all for naught. Baltimore, of course, lost by two. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that, in a goal-line situation, you should give your ball to your star running back three times and not some dude you're pulling out of the first row. No, wait a minute, yes I am going to say that. John Harbaugh gets my Lovie Smith Memorial "Why Do You Hate Me?" Award of the week for meritorious achievements in the field of playcalling designed to screw me over.

But I won't complain too much. Now I can just sit back and watch the rest of the season. Saints-Pats? All right.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Sigh. You see this? This is me hitting the giant, category-5, blinking red button marked "start panicking".

I lost this week. Rather than go through and blame the people responsible (WR Miles Austin, RB Ahmed Bradshaw, God, K Neil Rackers), let's just go to straight to what needs to be done if I'm to have ANY shot of the playoffs. And, no, it ain't pretty.

1. I need win ALL my remaining three games. Oh, yes. Victories. Cut and dry. Even more important, is that, in our league, the last three games are all against our own divisions. That means my victories in these games can shoot me up the division standings. Hello, playoffs! Goodbye... bitterly weeping myself to sleep.

2. I need to score A LOT of points. I've only had a few triple digit games, and now I need a lot more. See, getting first in my division is highly unlikely, but getting out Wild Card spot is a little more manageable if I'm in second. I just need the highest point total of the other 2nd placers. So rack'em up.

And there it is. Is is possible? Yes. Likely? No. But we're gonna try. We're gonna try like Hell. Onward, Sweet Fancy Moses. Onward.

Week 11 Preview: Into the Home Stretch

2009-11-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

-Welcome to the Sweet Fancy Moses, Mr. Boss.-

The regular guy who writes these intros got injured, so I'm filling in this week! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is proud to present the Week 11 preview. Go vote in the Candy Lineup poll! Get prepared to drink heavily and laugh it up, fuzzball, as Cole and RWPilk flounder and curse their general ineptitude in the ugly arena of fantasy football.

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It's getting to that time of year. The trading deadline has passed without incident, and Matt "Khan" Forte is still on my team. I have faith in him though. He's a disappointment, yes, and I'll probably curse Lovie Smith out for the remainder of the sesaon. But he's already one up on Ronnie Brown, and you gotta figure the Bears will be running a lot more after the debacle that was Jay Cutler against San Francisco last week.

But I don't really have faith in the Saints' defense/special teams unit. Sure, their schedule is comically easy, but this is a team that gave up over 400 yards and 23 points to the St. Louis Rams. And yeah, they've gotten eight defensive touchdowns, but that's where most of their value lies, and let's face it: defensive touchdowns are by and large luck-based. You don't want to count on constantly being that lucky. Especially when the team in question has the luck of a New Orleans-based institution.

This week The Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine has a tough matchup against The Happy Pappys, the team with the second-most points in the league. The thing to do in this situation is to look for weak matchups. You know, like Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson going up against Seattle. And the Pittsburgh DST facing Kansas City.

Huh. This could be trouble.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Ah, I love browsing my team at the end of the week and finding out someone hasn't been practicing... and that I have no back up on the bench. Nothing to wake you up for the weekend like stumbling into the waiver wire drenched with sweat and fear. Enter: Jets TE Kevin Boss, the newest member of the Sweet Fancy Moses. Until there's some word on Todd Heap-- wait, you know what? Screw it. Heap can barely score over 5 points. Boss, you're in! Suit up and report back here in 5 for some Tony Danza jokes.

And, praise the lord, BYE weeks are over and done with. I wasn't hit hard any particular week, but just rather suffered a lot of close margin defeats with my reserve guy scoring "what do I do with the ball, again?" numbers. So, this is the first week I'm marching on to the field with the team I drafted, more or less, season ending injuries and gay-bashing suspensions not withstanding. Will it make a difference? I'm hoping so in these critical last weeks.

A little irony for you: If I beat my opponent this week, I help Cole secure his playoff spot. I wish I had the record to throw the game. Oh, I'd do it. I'm in a competition on a public forum here! What else am I supposed to do? Hello? Is this thing on?

Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

2009-11-19T21:19:00.003-05:00

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on.

They're Talking About Practice

2009-11-19T08:42:00.006-05:00

-Perhaps he should have been making his teammates better.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

First of all, you media types should stop referring to Allen Iverson as "A.I." I can't afford to spend more time clicking on NBA headlines hoping to hear about basketball-playing robots. I have things to do. My time is valuable.

Anyway, the non-robotic Allen Iverson just recently parted ways with the Grizzlies and the New York Knicks are already kinda considering bringing him aboard. But not really. At least not yet.

Despite my love that fateful press conference, I don't know much about Iverson. He skipped practice, I hear, and is largely unhappy on the teams he plays for. But, yet, always on a team. What's the deal? This happens to a lot of players. T.O. comes to mind. Randy Moss was one of these types until Belichick reigned him in. A-Rod was on a few teams before being on a team that requires you to be an asshole (there you go, Sawx fans). You know, these players that kinda seem poisonous to organizations, yet can't really be ignored because of their talent/hype. More so their hype. Once you're on a magazine cover, it's hard for teams that are 1-9 to leave you unemployed.

I don't mind. If there's one thing that keeps me watching sports it's personality. With a capital P. Remember Carl Everett? Where's that guy been? Playing for something called Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Screw that, let's get this guy his own radio show. Are you there, Carl? I'm listening.

Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

2009-11-16T18:58:00.013-05:00

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

Week 10 Preview: Welcome Back, Rackers!

2009-11-14T23:41:00.001-05:00

-We kept your desk over there.-

Week 10: the final five. What more is there to say really? Cole has all but clinched his playoff spot, and RWPilk has is back against the wall, ready to crack some skulls down the final stretch and possibly secure the league's only wild card spot. Do our bitter rivals have any insight to what will happen this week? No. But, be honest, what else do you have to do? That's what I thought.

Cole

Current Standing: 7-2, 2nd Overall

The Thursday games throw everything off. Instead of catching up on my reading and doing some laundry, I spent four hours yelling at my TV and drinking heavily.

How I've missed you, Thursday night football.

What a terrible game though. Both teams played sloppy football and missed countless opportunities. And then there was Jay Cutler, with more turnovers than a North End bakery. Throw the ball that much, and I'm forced to contemplate why Lovie Smith hates my fantasy team. Oh look, 120 receiving yards for Matt Forte. If you're forced to dump the ball off that much, something's very wrong with your offense.

Now there's something very wrong with MY offense. In this self-proclaimed "year of the quarterback", I'm stuck wrestling between Donovan McNabb and David Garrard. Speaking of awkward quarterback choices, the readers suggest Kurt Warner over Joe Flacco for you, Fred. Good luck.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

That's right. Rackers is back. Neil, I'm sorry we ever let you go. We left your desk for you. And we'll find a chair for you somewhere around here.

I have a tough opponent this week and, as usual, a few problems with my line up. One is my DST match up. Packers vs Cowboys? Crap. My alternate? Bills vs Titans. Holy God, that game sucks so much light won't escape it. Yeah, there's a science quip for y'all.

And of course, injuries. I have both Westbrook and his back up, McCoy. Who will play? Will they split carries? In times like these, I've learned that the fantasy mantra is to go with with your "best" player. The seniority guy. The name. It's still a best guess if it's 55% probability, right? Game time decision pending, Westbrook it is. And go easy on the noggin, cowboy.

Step Away from the C

2009-11-12T10:14:00.001-05:00

-Your face is gonna stay like that.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

I'll be honest, I miss watchin' the Sox a little bit. They were a pretty miserable team in '09, but there's something special about kickin' back with Cole and a beer after work and watching Terry Francona chew a lot. But ask any diehard fan, dollars to dunkin' donuts, the Sox need to clean house a bit. Well, allow me to hijack a popular Sox Nation mantra: Maybe next year.

This week, it was confirmed that both pitcher Tim Wakefield and catcher (and captain) Jason Varitek would be returning to the team in 2010. Fantastic.

There's no doubt that the Red Sox organization is a pretty sentimental one. Many-a-plan to knock down and rebuild Fenway have been rejected, and, as you can see, Theo Epstein tends to hang to on players for quite a while. But I'm starting to lose my patience a little bit with this pack-rat staffing model. Our back up catcher slot didn't keep us from the World Series. And, Wake, I like ya, but there just might be a better 5th starter out there. And V-Tek can just decide to come back himself for less money, even after the organization passes on him. What is that? That's like showing up to a party with an invitation you made for yourself. Oooh, glitter.

Still, Victor Martinez is a good sign. And I'm still hopeful about getting Jason Bay back. And I keep hearing something about some Halladay pitcher guy. So, c'mon Sox business-types, let's start focusing on getting this roster ready to rock in something other than a chair.

Miami Nice: Year Two of the Wildcat

2009-11-11T15:36:00.004-05:00

- 1. Direct snap to running back. 2. ??? 3. Profit! -

Cole
Current Standing: 7-2, 2nd Overall

Watched the Pats-Dolphins game Sunday and was not disappointed. The Pats look solid now that Brady has his feet under him, but they have two huge challenges, playing the undefeated Colts and Saints before the end of November. But honestly, I'd rather talk about the Dolphins.

The Dolphins' offense is fun to watch and a chore to defend against, because Miami uses the Wildcat formation* on a large number of their snaps. After the formation debuted against the Patriots last September, Miami rode their new offense to an 11-5 record and their first playoff appearance since 2001. This year, despite some tough losses, Miami is fourth in the league in rushing and is a pundit favorite to surprise people in the second half of the season, taking advantage of a weak schedule in the second half.

The only problem is that the Dolphins need a passing game. After Chad Pennington was lost to injury, rookie Chad "blame it on the" Henne started taking snaps when the Wildcat was called off. And he's been respectable in his first year few starts; his 77.8 QB rating through six games is just above where Pennington's was before his injury. Analysts were excited about Henne before the season started, praising his arm and predicting success for the Dolphins' speedy receivers once they had a quarterback who could get them the ball on a deep route.**

But there is another option for coach Tony Sparano: Pat White. The former Mountaineer was selected by the Dolphins in this year's NFL draft, and as such probably could stand some more seasoning first. But when White came into the Patriots game Sunday, I paid attention. When White is in the game, the Dolphins can run their typical Wildcat option (with either White or Ronnie Brown taking the carry), or they can call more conventional passes or runs. White is familiar with this style of offense already, as it's similar to what he used to great success at West Virginia with Steve Slaton, and would have the advantage of speed over using Henne in this role.

Technically, Ted tells me, using White and Brown in the same backfield isn't really the "Wildcat" formation, it's a shotgun option. And that's fine, even if the name's not as fun. But the important thing is, replacing the aging Ricky Williams with a professional quarterback -- even one with modest throwing ability -- opens up the vertical passing game and could prevent defenses from stacking eight in the box to protect against the run. It's the type of formation that could work well for other mobile quarterbacks: Vince Young and Chris Johnson, for instance, would seem to be prime candidates for this in Tennessee. It still doesn't eliminate the problem of needing receivers who can catch, but that's another issue.

You don't care, do you. Okay, fine. Here's something shiny.

_______
*-For those unfamiliar to the term, it involves snapping the ball to a running back as opposed to their quarterback.
**-Of course, this implies the receivers can catch the ball. I'm looking at you, Ted Ginn, Jr.

Bad News, Ladies

2009-11-10T12:20:00.001-05:00

-To the moon, Alice!-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

It's been a couple of miserable weeks for me and the Sweet Fancy Moses. A close margin loss followed by a total team shut down. It's hard to keep one's spirits up going into the final stretch. That's when I found this story. It makes me feel a little better. Tom Cable is being investigated by the NFL for abuse. Yep, not alcohol abuse or drug abuse, just straight up, old-fashioned, tell-people-you-fell-down-the-stairs abuse.

Cable is a time traveling Mutant with a cyborg arm and is actually the son of-- oh, oh. He's just the head coach of the Raiders. Oh, well so what if he roughed up a few of his guys? It's Oakland! They suck. You never saw the Coach where Craig T. Nelson water boarded that Dobber guy? C'mon. Oh, women too? Uh oh.

The Seattle times reported last week that an ex-wife and ex-girlfriend are coming forward saying that Cable abused them too. Not good. ESPN said a thousand times last night, pre-MNF, that this isn't a police matter and that the NFL is just looking into it? Why? It ain't their job to be some Scooby-Doo A-Team crack squad that goes around solving crimes under the fuzz's nose. They want to "privately" investigate it so they can smear it all over their national broadcasts? I don't know, the guy's probably a bastard, just seems a little fishy though.

Man, this story's a downer. I think I just really liked that Craig T. Nelson joke. Ah, well. Cole, cheer us up.

Week 9 Recap: They're All Screwing Me!

2009-11-08T19:01:00.019-05:00

-Twiiiiiiiiix!-

We're halfway through the NFL regular season, as Week 9 came, and saw, and conquered. But what of our valiant morons? Is Cole moving closer to a division crown and a playoff berth? Is RWPilk keeping pace with the wild card leaders? And will either of them shut up and just play the game for once? For more on that, we go to our antiheroes.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall
Erwin Schrödinger was an Austrian theoretical physicist in the early 20th century. Like all theoretical physicists, he was completely insane. One day (presumably frustrated after trading away Oppenheimer in his fantasy nuclear-scientist league) he put his beloved cat Verschränkung* in a box. He told the authorities that the cat was either alive or dead, and there was no way of knowing until the box was opened**. Schrödinger was given a doctoral degree for this, but was sentenced to work in a university for his wanton cruelty.

In honor of Dr. Schrödinger, I hereby present the first ever Candy Lineup, in which we count down the five biggest performances wasted on the bench, and compare them to the starter they should have replaced.

5. David Garrard, QB, JAC (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
18 pts vs. 11 pts for Donovan McNabb
Sure, last week the roles were reversed, with McNabb catching fire while Garrard struggled. But which defense would you rather face: the Chiefs or the Cowboys?

4. Jay Cutler, QB, CHI (The Cashmere Sweater)
31 pts vs. 16 pts for Peyton Manning
You're never going to sit Peyton Manning. Ever. Even on his bye week you're probably better off starting him than 20% of the NFL's starters. But Gi's in a close game, and the extra 15 points would've been nice.

3. Steve Breaston, WR, ARI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
14 pts vs. 2 pts for Calvin Johnson
Before the 1:00 games, I asked DennyP! which of these two I should start. Everyone I read online suggested Johnson was the better play, despite Breaston filling in for the injured Anquan Boldin. Now, Johnson is supposed to be a top-flight receiving option (or he was, anyway, before the season started) so I started him and immediately tweeted, "Everyone else, you should go start Breaston." So point to DennyP! on that one.

2. Greg Olson, TE, CHI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
25 pts vs. 2 pts for Fred Davis
I saw a wrapup that said, "Olsen has never had a game like this in his NFL career, and probably never will again, either." Between Olsen and Matt "Khan" Forte (he of the five carries), I'm convinced Lovie Smith hates me and is calling plays to deliberately screw me over. Whatever I did to you, Lovie, I'm sorry. I will now stick my head in the radiator.

1. Kurt Warner, QB, ARI (Off the Wagon)
40 pts vs. 3 pts for Joe Flacco
I was really excited when I saw that Warner was destroying the hapless Bears because I knew his owner was going against the Moops, second in my division. It wasn't until later I realized the mistake. Poor Fred. Last week he started Warner and collected nine points off five interceptions, as Flacco earned a modest 13 points against Denver. Now instead of scoring the most points as a team, Fred has to sweat out the Monday night game and hope Rashard Mendenhall doesn't beat him.

We feel your pain here at SSFA!. In honor of the Candy Lineup Performance of the Week, we ask you to help Fred out for next week: vote in the poll at right and tell us who you think will do better next week, Warner vs. Seattle or Flacco vs. Cleveland. I'm leaning towards Flacco myself so, if I were you, Fred, I'd run the exact opposite way of that.

______________
*-Named after the cat's habit of playing with yarn. It's cuter in German, trust me.
**-Spoiler alert: the cat was dead.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

The phrase "sure thing" will not appear under my name again. I was able to jinx just about every "sure thing" with my Week 9 preview. Green Bay got owned Tampa Bay (one of the opponents I drafted GB for in the first place) and WR Reggie Wayne THREW an interception. What in God's name happened there? Jesus, doesn't my team have enough to worry about right now without my players racking up penalty stats from other positions? Reggie, catch the ball. Don't go all Eddie Murphy on me. No one listens to "Party all the Time."

Baltimore K Stephen Hauschka performed so poorly he has me screaming back to Neil Rackers (who totaled 11 points, a season high, in the week I dropped him). This is the position I'm in, people. I'm chasing kickers here.

There are five games left in our fantasy season. Five. I have to win, who are we kidding, all of them if I want a shot at play offs. Makin' a fool of me... by God, you people better get this together! Or a whole night of listening to Eddie Murphy records. The "music" ones!

Week 9 Preview: Please, Dear Lord...

2009-11-06T01:53:00.019-05:00

-RWPilk's one sure thing... and we just jinxed him. Dammit!-

And here comes Week 9. Look at her, with her android phone and her miniature dog. Just so smug. That's a handicap spot, you vapid fashionista! Oh, but don't worry. She'll get her comeuppance. Cole and RWPilk are on the scene, ready to deal out some cold, fantasy football style justice. This late in the season, all managers are waiting for some risky dice-rolls to land in the end zone, our humble(ish) authors among them. So, look out your highness! Week 9 very well be theirs.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall

Let's talk tight ends.

Pause.

I mean, I could talk about Matt Forte -- again -- but really, I've just accepted my fate. The league's trading deadline is the 17th, and if every half-assed fantasy guru keeps talking about selling high after Forte's one good game, no one will be crazy enough to take a chance on him. It's tempting to package him with the Saints' defense, because there's no way they're scoring a defensive touchdown every week right? Well look at their schedule down the stretch. The Rams. The Bucs -- twice. The Panthers -- twice. The Redskins. Oy. I think I'd like to hang on to the defense going against that juggernaut, possibility of late-season collapse notwithstanding.

But anyway, tight ends. It's a thin position to begin with, and finicky outside the top scoring options: is Greg Olsen going to get 10 points or 2 this week? (Answer: two if you're starting him, 10 otherwise.) And then, in consecutive weeks, Chris Cooley (a preaseason top-six pick at the position) and Owen Daniels (tops at the position in a standard scoring league) were lost to injury. Now, if you're like me in my other league, you have two talented tight ends, like Jason Witten and Antonio Gates (thank you auction auto-draft), this is a good excuse to pick up some talent for the stretch. If you're not like me, and you have a surprising tight end (maybe like Vernon Davis or Visanthe Shiancoe), it might be worth it anyway to try to upgrade another position, even if you end up punting the TE position.

Holy shit, real fantasy advice! Who knew.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

Week 9 is mine? This is news to me.

Save my bitter loss from last week, no doubt the Sweet Fancy Moses have been more competitive as of late. But it's come at a price. My team is banged up and I've basically pitched a tent on the waiver wire. There's only been a few sure things in my line up. Brees is out of his funk. The Packers D remains a solid bet. And I'm currently carving a solid ivory WR Reggie Wayne bust for my room. You know, to watch over me.

Everyone else, everyone, has proven to be a gamble. I just had to dump K Neil Rackers this week. Why? Because even my kicker slot, the fantasy football equivalent to the points you get for filling in your name on the SATs, was bleeding points. God, and I loved that guy's name. "Rackers". Dammit.

There ain't much else to do though. This, apparently, is how you do this. You play Marshall. You play Westbrook. And, by god, you play Todd Heap and die a little inside. So, see you Sunday. I'll be the guy with the white knuckle clasp on the rabbit's foot.

Holy Hand/Eye Coordination, Bruce!

2009-11-03T16:35:00.011-05:00

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

Let's jump on this weird sports video headline before it fades in to the distance like so many spent cans of clean, crisp Simpler Times ale. The Kings and the Spurs were playing the other night-- wait a second. Can I pause for a second and address that NBA sports teams names are the worst in American sports? The Spurs? The Nuggets? The Utah Jazz? Is jazz really the first thing you think of when Utah comes to mind? I think my favorite is the Toronto Raptors. Bam! The Raptors! From Toronto. Founded right after the popularity of Jurassic Park, the Toronto Raptors sounds like a 90s artifact. How about the Tennessee Pogs? Are they a team? How about the Bangor Trapper Keepers? I'd like to play them.

Anyway, I digress. The video speaks for itself. Some crazy bat interrupted the game the other night, and Manu Ginobili swatted it out of the air in one shot. Nice job, Ginobili. Didn't you notice the little bat-camera on its back?! Now how will Batman know if the Joker was in attendance or not?! Selfish, selfish bastard.

Like clockwork, the USA's very own terrorist organization reared its self-important, veggie burger-shaped head. What up, PETA?

Bats always try to avoid contact with humans, and there are plenty of easy ways to keep bats out of a basketball arena (or your home). We hope that the next time someone’s life is on the line, Manu Ginobili will take just a few seconds to think before he acts.

Oh, what was that PETA? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I was just about to bite into this chicken, veal, bacon burger. With a side of unicorn fries. Yeah, and I'm sprinkling this guy everything. Mmm, mmm good. When I'm done, I'll be sure to address your public statement where you refer to a bat as "somone". In the meantime, pass the salt.

Week 8 Recap: It Still Stings

2009-11-01T19:28:00.012-05:00

-Sweet, Sweet Flacco/Heap Action? Not likely, sucker.-

Just as the winds appeared to shift in Week 7 towards an RWPilk comeback, they're already shifting back in the opposite direction with a definitive Cole victory. Damn you, finicky winds! With your flippin' and your floppin'! Anyway, let's go to the authors now to see just what in the hell happened this week. Parental guidance suggested.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall

Since I'm delusional to write this thing, let's go all-out delusional here. Let's attribute my team's bullish performance to Gi's trash-talking marathon Friday. Let's say her post provided fake bulletin board material, giving my team the edge it needed to record its second-highest point total to date en route to an 18-point victory.

Sure. Or, we could give the metaphorical game ball to my ever-faithful stable of running backs. To Ray Rice! May you continue to put up points despite a grueling schedule. To Chris Johnson! May you always display getting-away-from-the-cops speed. And to Matt Forte! May you play the Browns every week.

And let's not forget the Saints' DST, with a stellar 17 points this week and their sixth defensive touchdown. Where would I be without my favorite waiver-wire pickup? Probably not 6-2, I can tell you that much. It's worth pointing out that they have more touchdowns off interceptions than the Browns, Lions, and Raiders have passing touchdowns. (Source) Oh, hello, Calvin Johnson. Yeah, I'll deal with you later.

The only sour note was my acquisition and subsequent starting of David Garrard over Donovan McNabb. The Jaguars were supposed to have an easy matchup against the Titans, the Eagles were supposed to have a tough matchup against the Giants, yadda yadda yadda, I left 23 points on the bench.

So I still have a three-game lead, now with six games to play, meaning the unfortunate-but-still-comical epic collapse should be juuust around the corner. Next up is Queen of the Castle, fresh off a tight victory over Pilk. Fun fact: Queen of the Castle's entire bench was devoted to bye-week players last week. Weird.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

There seems to be a pattern going on in our league. There's always one miserable match where both teams do pretty terrible, and one just happens to win by being a little less terrible that week. Last week, Cole was in that game and lost. This week was my turn, and, oh, what a turn it was. This one really hurts people. This one was my bad.

After a waiver wire buffet last week, I also executed my first trade with Cole. He wanted QB Garrard (that he immediately put in for McNabb, say whaaa?!) and he offered me RB "I'm built of Legos" Westbrook's back up, McCoy. To be honest, I totally forgot about the trade and when I was alerted it was approved Sunday morning, I blew it off. I just had fixed my RB situation via said waiver wire... What's McCoy gonna do?

My waiver wire restructuring was a total bust. TE Todd Heap, some mook I'm now stuck with the rest of the year, scored one point. And, by golly, RB Darren Sproles, the guy I picked up before trading with Cole matched that score. McCoy, on my bench? Fifteen points. My loss deficit this week: 6 points.

Of course, it's easy to look at my trade gaff as the smoking gun here, but honestly, the rest of my time wasn't helping. Packers DST got destroyed, Brandon Marshall was off playing solitaire somewhere, and even Neil Rackers scored under 5 points. Ho-leeeee Christmas, you know it's a bad week when after the dust clears, even your kicker has a blue note.

I'm off to cry into some beers now.

Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

2009-10-30T15:59:00.004-04:00

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Flabby-Armed:
Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

Ye Olde NBA

2009-10-29T10:04:00.013-04:00

-Paul: the cute one.-

Welcome, O Faithful Readers! You may not be aware of this, but aside from being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk like to enjoy the finer things in life. Shucking oysters. Reading the New Yorker. Or perhaps yelling at the various cats they've had to live with. Yes, it's all very sophisticated. But when such tasks are required, we must look to a new face to bring us news they may not be qualified (or interested enough) to present. We look to guest writers. Now, in a special SSFA! presentation, we welcome DennyP! to usher us into the Boston Celtics 2009 season in the NBA. Take it away, Denny...

DennyP!

CAN YOU HEAR IT?!?!?!?!

Ladies and gentlemen, the NBA and my beloved Celtics are back!

Now my fellow bloggers and I see eye to eye on many things, namely yelling at the various cats we've had to live with. But the NBA is not one of them! So for better or for worse, you are stuck with me to satisfy your basketball cravings which I hope does not come close to Brian Scalabrine's cravings for italian bread dipped in olive oil and pasta in a white wine cream sauce.

Now I'm only about 40 hrs late to give you a Celtics preview, but there have already been two games thusfar with an impressive 2-0 start. Seems kinda pointless to go over the offseason at this point in time, but so are the unfollowed rules in the NBA like the 'carry' and traveling...

Key Acquisitions:

Rasheed Wallace - Signed as a free agent and saved from the sinking ship that is the Detroit Pistons. One of the best power forwards in the league when he actually tries, and I have no doubt KG will use him as a punching bag if he doesnt. Most impressive to me so far this season is how well Rasheed has fit in chemistry-wise the first two games.
Marquis Daniels - Athletic swingman and good scorer who signed as a free agent. He started for the emerging (but still not good) Indiana Pacers last season, and is now Paul Pierce's backup. And he has dreadlocks, nice! Thought he played well against Cleveland.
Shelden Willams - Big man to play defense and grab rebounds off the bench. Picture a PJ Brown that cant shoot, or a Miki Moore that can lift more than 10 lbs, or Scott Pollard if he was the least bit athletic, or...you get the idea.
Lester Hudson - Rookie guard and 2nd round draft pick. His first name is Lester, dont expect much people.

Key Losses

Leon Powe - [Moment of silence] So sad to see him go, he was a true Celtic, a great player and a great worker, so down-to-earth and a class act. So rare nowadays. Maybe thats why I'm writing this now and the NBA is not one of "the finer things in life". Hmmm
Gabe Pruitt - Meh. I really liked him as a player but he wasnt used much for some reason. I usually trust the Celtics brass, we'll see whether he makes an impact elsewhere.
Miki Moore...wait no!
Stephon Marbury....NOO!!! If only he was as good at basketball as being in front of a webcam.

So in conclusion, I feel pretty good about this season! *Knock on wood* We have the same starting five that has arguably dominated the NBA the past two seasons, kept our important role players, and have a bench that includes 3 starters from last year (Rasheed, Daniels, and Big Baby when he returns in 6-8 weeks and im going to resist the urge to make an obvious pun) one of which is an All-Star. The bench is what I think the difference maker was in the win against Cleveland. Not many NBA stars can play 45 min per game anymore like in the 'Ye Olde NBA' so depth plays a huge role. I think the Celtics' bench is as big of a weapon as the NBA refs making sure you cover the point spread. Did I just say that...whoops!

At the start of the home opener, the light show thats albeit awesome but Red Auerbach might roll over in his grave if he saw it started with 'We Reloaded. Now Its Your Turn. Are You Ready?' I think the 2009-2010 Celtics has more weapons than the team that won Banner #17, and I am ready!

You stay classy Boston, I'm DennyP?

There's only one George Lopez

2009-10-28T14:53:00.001-04:00

- "Who wants ice cream after the game??" -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-2, 3rd Overall

Before we embark on the crapfest that's going to be my World Series prediction, I'm going to toot my own horn here (pause) and point out that I really did a good job in the AL playoff post. Only one game off for all three series! Just goes to show, every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

But now I have to talk about the National League, and I have no desire to and no knowledge. I know, it's never stopped me before. But maybe I'm just bitter that the Yankees outbid the Red Sox in the eBay auction that is the offseason, winding up with the coveted item that is the American League pennant, bolstered by the free shipping that is the AL's All-Star Game-based home field advantage, not to mention the positive feedback of multiple individual awards.

(I can see the headline now: LOCAL ANALOGY TORTURED, MUTILATED BEFORE DEATH.)

All right, fine. In the interest of completeness, here's what I expect over the next seven games (if necessary).

Someone will make a huge deal out of the fact the Phillies took two of three from the Yankees in May. Someone will be very, very wrong.
Tim McCarver will make an ass of himself, and sabermetric-minded baseball fans will shed a single tear as they realize Fire Joe Morgan is down.
Yankee fans will endlessly chant, "Who's Your Daddy?", when Pedro Martinez takes the mound for Game 2. No one will think to dress as Don Zimmer.
Alex Rodriguez will be beloved by Yankee fans throughout the series for his play thus far in the playoffs, but will be back to the familiar scapegoat role if they lose, and probably hated again by March anyway. Nothing he does on the field will affect this.
The Phillies will get screwed over by the whole "not-having-a-real-DH" thing at least once. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding changes in the offseason. There will be none.
At least one game will be decided by a blown call. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding more instant replay in the offseason. There will be none.
Said call will favor the Yankees. It just will. Accept it. The sun will rise in the east, the tide will ebb and flow, Palestinians and Israelis will hate each other, TBS will endlessly rerun the same terrible commercials for their crappy shows, Joe Buck will engender hatred, and the Yankees will get the breaks in the postseason. It's how the world works.
An exorbitant number of home runs will be hit in Yankee Stadium. (Luis Castillo will be in position to catch one, and drop it.) At least one game will feature more than 20 runs.
The Yankees will win 4-1, much to the disappointment of everyone outside the Tri-State area, especially those who wanted a competitive series. Meanwhile, some fourth-grader in Ossining will hand in an essay entitled, "Now I Can Die in Peace".

Insert Cleat to Mouth

2009-10-28T09:30:00.001-04:00

-Psst. You know I'm a public forum right?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Well, it looks like my team will be going through even more changes than expected this week. Not only was it announced today that TE Chris Cooley is out for the season, but now RB Larry Johnson has been barred by the Chiefs from any further activity with the team. Why? Because he used Twitter to insult his coach, Todd Haley. That's it? Oh, and gays too. There you go.

A quick visit to Johnson's twitter page reveals that he does protect who can see his tweets, but c'mon, Larry. It takes a pretty big jackass to cook this up. This isn't some moment-of-anger outburst, you took the time to type this up. And what, none of your 2,313 followers are going to notice?

As a fantasy owner, I ain't exactly devastated. Larry Johnson has sucked pretty hard this year, with only one week breaking the double digit line. But it's just getting to the point where I need to fill positions. Westbrook, questionable. Cooley, out. Johnson, out. Wayne, questionable. W. T. F. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on the waiver wire. I hear there are some straws to grasp.

Week 7 Recap: Tables Turning?

2009-10-27T11:45:00.003-04:00

-Yeah, you! Let's get with the freakin' program, shall we?-

It only took half of the fantasy football season, but finally our two authors are locked in mortal combat with close records. Cole has thus far had the lion's share of wins, but after RWPilk's narrow victory this week, only one "w" separates them! How could this be? And why would anyone abbreviate a one syllable word with a three syllable initial? Before a sissy slapping session breaks out, let's go to them now for the gory, gory details!

Cole

Current Standing: 5-2, 4th Overall

Let's take a mystery player now. Said mystery player accumulated 34 rushing yards with a touchdown, and 115 receiving yards with a touchdown. That's a pretty good week, right? You'd pick up that receiver; he's clearly an integral part of his team's offense.

Well, rush to your waiver wires and see if JerReggieMatt Olson-BreastBowe is available. Because that was the output of SIX players for me this week. Six.

Needless to say, I lost, despite my opponent having a week so bad he's contemplating honor suicide. Fortunately for you, dear reader(s), I have no honor, so I will continue blogging.

But I'm not all brickbats and profanities this week. As it turns out, every other team in my division lost as well, so I still have a three-game league with seven weeks until the playoffs. And Chris Johnson and Ray Rice will be coming off byes, as is runner-up bust of the year Calvin Johnson. Between these three guys, I should be able to put up enough offense to at least have a respectable game against the league leader...right?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Dear WR Miles Austin,

I know you won't be this good every week. But welcome aboard anyway and thanks for not making me look like a complete idiot. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear your predecessor, T.O., scoring less than 5 points.

Sincerely,
RWPilk

Phew. I won by a single point this week. And while I'm happy to now have a competitive, winning record against Cole, I'd be lying if my future looked bright. Last night in MNF, BOTH TE Cooley and Westbrook (surprise!) were hurt, as was WR Reggie Wayne. And I'm still in 7th overall; my division is tough. I'll also be on the waiver wire for some small potatoes players and forced to keep RBs Bradshaw and Johnson in (5 point total this week). Good God. If I wasn't hanging on for dear life to the few decent players I do have, I'd consider a trade. Instead, you may just find me in a Sunday afternoon fetal position in front of the TV, praying.

And I never pray.

Week 7 Preview: Sweet Home Chicago

2009-10-23T09:37:00.003-04:00

- Is it live, or is it that huge-ass Jumbotron? -

And we hit the halfway mark. Week 7. And as the season marches on and Cole and RWPilk's records grow more competitive, whose fantasy sports theory will prove supreme?! -thunder crashes- Eh, we won't know for a while, but we like to say things and scary voices. Let's go to these two knuckleheads now for the rundown.

Cole

Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I don't even want to talk about this upcoming week. After three solid games in a row, I'm being decimated by bye weeks. Chris Johnson and Ray Rice take a breather, and my running back options are now Matt "Khan" Forte, Reggie Bush, and Jamal Lewis. I will now slam my head in the oven door repeatedly. With the gas on. I blame this on the fact that I constantly bragged about how deep I was at running back earlier in the season.

Seven weeks out, my first few picks were a debacle. There's Khan, of course, my first rounder, who has less points than any first round pick ... except Darren McFadden. Chris Johnson was a solid second-rounder, but I followed him with Calvin Johnson, one pick before Reggie Wayne and two before Marques Colston. Granted, both players were on my team last year and tortured me constantly, but missing Wayne was a huge mistake. And then, in round five, needing a quarterback, I decided that Donovan McNabb would be a safer pick than Matt Schaub. Let's ignore the fact that Ben Roethlisberger, with twice the points of McNabb, was still on the board, and I flat-out dismissed him. No, let's talk about which quarterback has the most fantasy points through six weeks. Hint: he plays in Texas, and not in a Cowboys uniform.

I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm a terrible drafter. It's impossible to make accurate predictions of the future in any field. Look at the quotes of Bill Gates scoffing at the Internet or Dr. Seuss' boatloads of rejection letters. But let's not get all philosophical here. Let's talk football.

In 2006, the top three consensus picks were Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart. When New Orleans "earned" the second pick, the debate in the Crescent City revolved around which quarterback would replace Aaron Brooks. When the Houston Texans introduced the world to Mario Williams, they were universally excoriated for the pick. How could they pass up the playmaking capability of Reggie Bush? How could they ignore the hometown hero, Vince Young?

Flash forward three years, with the caveat that all four players still have a lot of time to cement their legacy and so forth. Bush (who, it turns out, practically took a pay cut to join the NFL) is the third-down back, behind two undrafted free agents. And Young suffered a near-breakdown last year, leaving his coach so underwhelmed that he rides the bench for an 0-6 game. Even when down 52 points. Don't forget Matt Leinart, who's started a grand sum total of 16 games in three plus years, currently holding a clipboard behind a 40-year-old full of question marks. And Williams? He's only coming off his first Pro Bowl appearance and second straight season with 12 or more sacks. So don't laugh too hard at Darius Heyward-Bey, because you never know.

Okay, yeah, I guess sometimes you do. Ha ha.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

Another week of cautious optimism. Drew Brees and my Packers DST seem to be back into the swing of things. RB Brian “M*A*S*H Unit” Westbrook is still healthy and producing. RB Bradshaw is exceeding recent expectations. RB Larry Johnson had a half-way decent Week 6. Colts WR Reggie Wayne is back from his bye. And Neil Rackers is... still my kicker.

My dark horse this week is recent T.O. trade acquisition WR Miles Austin from Dallas. (That's funny, I once knew an Orlando from Miami). All eyes are on you, new guy. I'm a little concerned I have to rely on Tony Romo a little. Every time I glance at a Dallas game this guy looks like a deer in headlights. Or maybe it's just that big honkin' screen. Either way, get with the program, T-Bone.

I want more than a win this week though. I want Cole to lose. Bad. Look at'im. Scroll up and take a look at this smug 5-1 bastard. Somebody take him down. Somebody. Isn't McNabb due for another injury or something. C'mon.

Ah, I love the smell of HTML in the morning.

Never Mind the Buccos

2009-10-22T10:01:00.002-04:00

- Or, as he's known in England, Pat the Traitor from the Colonies -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

My knowledge of England is based on James Bond, Monty Python, and the occasional Premier League match on ESPN. So if I manage to insult the three London visitors Google Analytics reports, then appy polly loggies, O my brothers.

And further apologies are in order for sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond. I mean, you guys are supposed to be our friends, and I think the Geneva Convention bans the use of Bucs game footage in Guantanamo. It's going to be vile, I promise. I don't know what genius decided to send these guys as ambassadors for the sport; they haven't been a power in the league since at least 2005. Even if the Pats missed the playoffs last year, they're only one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance.

Man, actually, all these matchups have pretty disappointing, huh. Last year pitted the Saints (who finished 8-8) against the Chargers (who finished 8-8). The year before that, the Dolphins masqueraded as a professional football team, with some dude named Cleo Lemon as quarterback. They finished the season 1-15 and were so abysmal offensively that their next coach decided, "the hell with this," and reinvented the Wildcat. THAT would've been fun to watch. A game with 23 total points and less than 500 total yards of offense? Blimey.

The only quantum of solace I can find in this matchup is the fact that the Patriots will almost certainly beat the living daylights out of the Bucs. Bill Belichick is a worthy villain, with no sense of sportsmanship or decency, who won't think twice about humiliating Tampa Bay. Hanging 59 on the Titans? That's nothing. At least the Titans had some talent on paper; the Buccaneers are going to get steamrolled.

The last two games in Wembley Stadium were decided by less than a touchdown. Don't expect that this week, folks. Do expect big numbers for the Pats and, if I were you, I'd start demanding better teams for next year now.

Shut Out, But Not Shutting Down

2009-10-21T09:55:00.007-04:00

-Sadly, this is the Titans' best QB option.-

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I've been inspired by Pilk's beating of the Redskins' dead horse (pause?). Clearly, Jim Zorn = not a good coach. Let's talk about Manly Men, who Coach the Right Way and Know How To Play the Game. Let's talk about Jeff Fisher.

Yes, that Jeff Fisher. Sure, his team quit on him, and yes, his Titans gave up 1.5 points per minute to the Patriots in the first half*. And yeah, he's belittled and snubbed Vince Young so much** that Reggie Bush is sending him thank you cards for ensuring Bush wasn't the biggest bust in the 2006 draft. And sure, he even found a way to piss off the entire fan base by wearing a Peyton Manning jersey while introducing former Colts coach Tony Dungy, and then quipping, "I just wanted to feel like a winner."

Well then.

But Titans fans can take cold (very cold) comfort in the fact that Fisher doesn't kick worthless field goals. Fisher could've avoided the ignominy of all that "worst shutout since 1976" talk midway through the third quarter, when a 48-yard Chris Johnson run put the ball on the Pats' 17 yard line. But when the inevitable fourth down rolled around, did Rob Bironas get called onto the field? No way. Fisher challenged his offense to put points on the board the hard way, even though (by this point) his offense had established that tying their collective shoes might pose a challenge. And Fisher was still going for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter; it's not entirely his fault Javon Ringer fumbled after picking up the first down.

There are crappy coaches out there, sure. Take Steve Spagnuolo of the Rams: down three on the road, St. Louis reached the Jaguars' nine with 15 seconds to go and one time out left, only to kick a field goal (on third down!) to send the game into overtime. Steve, you know there's a good chance you won't even get the ball in the extra period. This is your best chance to avoid Rod Marinelli-level infamy: go for it! Make it more interesting for the 14 fans in attendance.

My point is that, even though Fisher will most likely be fired at the end of the season, don't expect him to spend a long time out of football. He knows his stuff, he's won before, and he knows better than to look this stupid.

_____________
*-Seriously. Wow. Just look at that number for a minute. The Patriots scored more points in the first half than every other NFL team scored in 60 minutes (Saints excepted). Who does that?!
**-I for one thought Vince Young should've started the second half under center, but when you finally do come in and your first throw is a pick, your second one could've easily been a pick, and you fumble a snap ... you don't do many favors for yourself.

Step Aside, Doofus

2009-10-20T09:39:00.007-04:00

RWPilk

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

We pause for a moment now to witness some public humiliation. Pass the popcorn.

Above is a video from ESPN on Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn's latest press conference. The Redskins' front office, concerned with the season so far (and last season), have stripped away Zorn's play-calling authority and handed it over to some johnny-come-lately whippersnapper Sherman Lewis.

Alright, so Zorn's play calling hasn't landed the Redskins in the end zone in a home game all season. And they're 2-4. And the team is rarely in contention for anything. It ain't pretty. Zorn can be seen above taking it like a man and happy to have the privilege of deciding other key factors, like whether or not to go for it on forth down (don't), what to call for overtime flips (tails), and what the official team pie is (rhubarb).

Still, Washington front office, have you ever heard of the Rams? Or, my God, the Titans?! What 1 o'clock game were you gents watching Sunday? When Zorn pilots a 0-5 record and lands himself ass-first into a 59-0 loss, then you're allowed to start worrying and turn him into a headset-wearing figurehead. Until then, you're just a Negative Nancy.

Week 6 Recap: the Skin of our Teeth

2009-10-19T12:14:00.001-04:00

-Where the wild things are: Baltimore-

Week 6! Oh, glorious, glorious Week 6! How you leave us wondering how MNF will treat us. Both Cole and RWPilk are embroiled in close(ish) match-ups, victory hanging in the balance! Will Pilk's record start the hearty climb towards Cole's winning streak? Will Cole pull off a narrow escape to victory? Will Cole buy Pilk beer out of the warm kindness of his heart!? This, and much more below!

Cole

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

As I wait with bated breath on the performance of one Correll Buckhalter, I find myself praising the name of one Ray Rice, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by being the first running back to score a touchdown against the Vikings in forever. And no, Jim, you can't have him for Thomas Jones.

I also find myself cursing the name, Wrath of Khan-style, of Matt Forte, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by fumbling on second down from the one, recovering, and then fumbling on third down from the one and not recovering. No touchdown, minus two points for the lost fumble, things thrown, and Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth got to have a nice little conversation about how he never ever fumbles. Henceforth, he shall be known as Matt "Khan" Forte. It's that level of frustration. Donovan McNabb gets a pass (sorry) for this week because of his ~~stella~~ stellar performance last week.

Meanwhile, back at the wrench, what the hell is going on in the NFL? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. Aside from the Raiders game, crappy team after crappy team outshone expectations ... or at least covered the spread. We've figured out by now the Titans are indeed horrifying, but 45 points? In one half? And I enjoyed watching the Saints bludgeon the Giants, but I'm not going to talk about them for fear I might jinx them. This is after I tweeted, "Hey, Tulane's beating 23rd-ranked Houston!" and the Green Wave turned a three-point lead into a 28-point embarrassment. So for you, Ted, I say only that certain teams were really fun to watch this weekend. Not to mention any names, but whatever team it was, it certainly looked like a force to be reckoned with come playoff time.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Alright. Mr. Brees? I'm sorry I doubted you. Let's leave it at that.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I gotta 17 point lead going into tonight with Brandon Marshall still to play (against an opposing Denver kicker). I'm glad to report that some of my strategic moves worked out this week. STL WR Avery got hurt Sunday, but found the end zone before doing so, making the sting of Reggie Wayne's bye week that much milder. My waiver wire gamble, PHI WR Maclin, ended up being a bust (as was all of Philly's effort, c'mon McNabb, Oakland!?). My T.O. trade (my first ever!) for DAL WR Austin went through, so we'll see how that works out next week when I pair him with Wayne.

Barring any catastrophes, I'll end up 3-3. Not great. But getting there.

Week 6 Preview: QB, or not QB

2009-10-17T12:53:00.000-04:00

-Another fantasy scenario?-

And here it is. Week 6. Almost at the fantasy season halfway point. What have we learned? Never run with scissors. Or with Chris Cooley, he'll only bring you backwards. Rex Ryan doesn't want to be fed, Rex Ryan wants to hunt. And lastly, and more importantly, always respect personal space, even if there's taunting involved. Let's go Cole and RWPilk now for the forecast.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Like that caption? That's a double pun, dammit. Laugh.

I don't want to complain about Brees' cooled off numbers anymore, but I'm in a QB pickle: Brees vs Giants, or Garrard vs Rams. The RAMS! Two wildly inconsistent players facing two teams on the opposite end of the of suck meter. I may just flip a coin. My team is also going through some other changes. St. Louis' WR Avery is in for now... As is Phi WR Maclin, a waiver wire pickup. On top of that, NYG RB Bradshaw hasn't been practicing this week, with KC RB Larry "Oreck challenge" Johnson on my bench. I also got a WR trade that my or may not go through (T.O. for the Cowboys' Austin). It looks like my line up will probably have to set Sunday at quarter of 1pm. Oh, happy day.

I knew this is going to be a tough week. There have been signs. I woke from a bizarre dream the other night where I was in some kind of frat with Peyton Manning. Seriously. And he was like this miserable, dorky sophomore guy who was trying to show me the ropes and how to respect the seniors. And every time I turned around he was ironing his pants. Pair after pair. Lord, what does it mean!? Garrard or Brees! Why pants?! What do they mean?! Whyyyyy!!!

Cole
Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

I -- wait, what? Pants?

Jesus, man, pull it together. Sounds like someone needs a priceless pep talk.

Huh. I guess MasterCard doesn't have one prerecorded for "weird dreams involving a pantsless Peyton Manning". Poor planning really.

Well, if that doesn't do it for you, there's plenty of high-quality real football available. Look at that 1:00 slate! The undefeated Giants and the undefeated Saints!* And if you don't like that, how about the Battle for the Purple: Ravens at Vikings. That, my friends, is truly going to be some sweet Flacco action. The Sunday night game features two 3-1 teams with excellent running backs, and the Monday night game features those excellent Broncos throwbacks.

That Vikes-Ravens game is going to be interesting: two quality defenses match up against two surprisingly good offenses. Can F**** continue his "ageless wonder" routine? Or will Joe Flacco and Ray Rice stop Jared Allen and a pass rush that humiliated the Packers two weeks ago? Getcha popcorn ready. I'm picking Vikings (-2.5); that defense looks brutal, and I haven't even mentioned Adrian Peterson.

_________________
* - The first time the Saints have hosted the Giants since 2005, when the refugee Saints were the designated home team in a game at Giants Stadium. Yeah, you thought we forgot about that. Screw you too, NFL.

Liberal Guys to NFL: Pass on Rush

2009-10-13T11:47:00.006-04:00

-That a... throwback tie, Rush?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th overall

There's always one weird sports headline every week that makes me double take and shoot PBR out of my nose. This week it's this one over at ESPN. I usually have to dive out the nearest exit when some pundit gets in front of a camera and starts yankin' themselves over one thing or another, but this story is going for a trifecta! Limbaugh! Sharpton! Jackson! Let's read on!

Apparently, red-state blow-hard Rush Limbaugh is some kinda football aficionado and wants to buy the Rams. Well, not that great of an aficionado; the Rams are 0-5. But whatever, he made a bid. Enter liberal idiots Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson. They want to meet with the NFL commissioner about blocking Limbaugh's bid, calling him racist (surprise!) and "anti-NFL". When reached for comment, Spike Lee is quoted saying "Cracker-ass cracker."

Rush calls the whole attempt at cock-blocking his sensual tango with the Rams "Sad"... but clearly forgets that there is a well documented history of his racism and... anti-NFLness. Documented on his own site even. ESPN points out that his website archives a 2007 show that calls the NFL a fight between the blood vs crypts and ends with "There, I said it." Bravo, Rush. Perhaps Rush also forgets that he "resigned" from a ESPN pregame spot in 2003 for making the case that Donovan McNabb's popularity was a result of NFL affirmative action.

Does anyone really care who owns what team? And what exactly is Rush gonna try and do anyway, turn the Rams into this? That ain't no way to improve 0-5, Rush.

Sweet, Sweet Updated Action: So, it seems that PFT is reporting that today NFL Commish Roger Goodell commented that "decisive comments" are not welcome in the National Football League when asked about Limbaugh's bid for Ram's ownership. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PR talk for "No freaking way!"

A Fackin' Fall Cleaning

2009-10-12T14:19:00.000-04:00

-Ahhh, more like Red Sux, am I right? High five? Anyone?-

Memo to Ben Affleck: you'll have to find a new place to sit down until April '10. The '09 Sox season has ended. And other than being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk are also Fenway fans. There's no doubt that their beloved dirt dogs were not themselves this year and if Sox are going to crank it up in 2010, it's time to clean house a bit. Let's go to our authors now for who THEY'D fakin' cut if they were friggin' Tito and Theo. Eh? Wicked cool.

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

Today we gather together to mourn the loss of Jason Varitek's baseball career.

Oh, sure, we all saw the signs years ago. When his OPS fell off a cliff last year, Red Sox fans stuck by him. "His bat may have deteriorated," we admitted, "but at least he plays great defense." And when his defense started slipping this season, we all shifted uncomfortably and talked about how well he handled the pitching staff. Except that as soon as we traded for Victor Martinez, we realized that, hey, maybe it's not so hard to tell Josh Beckett to throw strikes after all.

The worst part of the Varitek debacle, other than the uncomfortable realization that a long-time fan favorite has completely lost the ability to play baseball, is the fact that the Red Sox will probably have to pay him next year. A quick look at his contract shows that Varitek signed a one-year deal over the previous winter, with a club option for 2010. The front office, I'm sure, would rather make Opening Day tickets free than to pay Varitek another $5 million*, but the problem is that Varitek also has a player option for $3 million dollars, which he's probably exercised already.

As sad as it is to say, I don't think we can afford to keep El Capitan around next year. Maybe the best things for all parties would be to trade him to ~~some magical land where ancient ballplayers live on forever and ever~~ someone in the National League.

__________
* - It works out to about the same amount of money, actually. Give or take.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'd classify myself as a "moderate" Sox fan, but even I gotta say, it was pretty miserable watching these guys this year. With injuries, the "breaks" and "rests" for players like Varitek and Drew, Big Papi-gate, and ever rotating roster of farm players made '09 one big blah porridge with a capital "B". No consistency, no fan favorites, and no results. Here's who needs to pack their bags:

1. Mike Lowell (3B) - A no-brainer. We've already had the cheap shots about his hip injury and how old is this guy anyway and blah blah blah. But the truth is he's too old and out too often to put up any valuable numbers. Whether he was MVP of 2007 or 1907 (ahh, had to get one more in there), he's just gotta go. Don't worry, he's got those giant eye brows to curl up with at night.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP) - Dice-K, you're consistently bad, wicked expensive, and worst of all, a category 5 snore fest. Wanna know how to spot a Dice-K game? Is it like 5 hours long? Boom. There you go. If you're crammed into a Fenway seat and can read War & Peace in between pitches, there's an issue. Luckily, the numbers support me. Worst of all, he whines about American training vs Japanese. Logan is on the Blue Line, buddy.

3. Dennis Eckersley (Commentator) - Thank gawd RemDog is better. I can't take anymore of this guy. It ain't even the stinky cheese. Or the sneaky cheese. Or the holy cheese (swiss?). Or the Farrah Faucet haircut. Dollars to donuts, this guy is just a biased doofus. He says things that any idiot in a Boston bar is saying while cradling a Sam Adams. "Thank God!" is not an appropriate response to fortunate outfield bounce in the Sox favor, genius. Nor is it okay to say "masturbate" and "shit" on live television (thanks, Nick). And in one game, too. Remy got well just in time. Don Orsillo's makeshift announcer's box noose of his own hair was getting pretty close to completion there. It took a while too. Not a lot of hair there.

Week 5 Recap: Can you spare a QB? Please?

2009-10-12T11:46:00.001-04:00

-Insert Curly noise.-

Alright, Week 5. Go on, get out of here. You made your point... even though Cole and RWPilk will probably end up with wins after Monday night, you proved yourself a wicked mistress. Full of miserable games (Buffalo and Cleveland, Jacksonville and Seattle) and some unexpected duds (QB Garrard, WR C. Johnson, etc.), all you left us with is some unreturned phone calls and that burning sensation. Let's go to our two heroes now for the skinny!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

It's hard to really complain too much when you win -- wait, what was that, RW?

Okay, so maybe not. Regardless, I'm just overjoyed that Donovan McNabb is back and leading the Eagles through their three-week goodwill tour of local high school teams. With the three he threw for yesterday, he's now scored six touchdowns and 52 points in just two games. I'm impressed. Speaking of injury replacements, a sincere "thank you" to Glen Coffee, who posted double digits in both of his fill-in starts and will immediately return to the magical land of The Bench.

There were some terrible games this week: not only cupcake matchups that make LSU-ULL look like a nailbiter, but ugly games between godawful teams that no one without a fantasy team should have to suffer through. Suggestion to Roger Goodell: Next time this happens, just have the coaches play it out on Madden 10 or something; you could save a lot of money and reduce your carbon footprint, whatever the hell that means.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Someone please tell me, is there a special club or something I need to join to get a decent score out of a quarterback? A form I need to fill out? Some kind of square-headed god I need to pray to? Tell me. Because I'll do it. I'll do it right now.

Coming off a hot, 31-point week last week, Jacksonville's David Garrard got SHUT OUT by the Seahawks and had the stats to put up three points. Three. And that's with two fumbles. My god, I'm some kind of QB black hole. I'm back to Drew Brees in Week 6.

This week, however, I'm glad to point out that I actually made a suave strategic move that helped my team. I played matchmaker with some waiver wire defenses, picked up the Bills vs Browns and got 17 points out the deal, my biggest defensive score of the season. Alright, alright. Not too shabby. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this thing here.

Week 5 Preview: Hello, Goodbye

2009-10-09T15:54:00.021-04:00

-Return of the Bed Guy.-

Five weeks have already passed and a wide deficit gapes between our authors. But who knows how the chips will fall with Week 5? Both Cole and RWPilk are getting valuable players back from injuries and face some crucial bye weeks. So let the speculation and yo mama jokes fly. It's Week 5. 'Nuff said. And don't forget to check out our MLB Playoff Poll to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

After two months, still not 100 percent sure I can run a sports blog, but "yo mama" jokes? Those I can handle. ~~Yo mama's so old her sex tape is on Laserdisc!~~ Oh whoops. After review, Pilk's playing against his mother this week so the ruling on the yo mama jokes has been overturned. Common decency will not be charged with a timeout.

Fine, back to football. We're just into that awkward bye week portion of the schedule, where everyone gets screwed over a couple of times by star players on the bench. This week my opponent (Pilk's dad, in a caramel-covered piece of syrupy sweet irony) is forced to sit Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, while your ~~humble~~ narrator gets Donovan McNabb back for at least the first eight minutes of Sunday's blowout vs. Tampa (too soon, Pats fans?).

I can't decide if I'm excited about this matchup or not: I get my final week out of Glen Coffee before Frank Gore returns to the scene, and Dwayne Bowe returns to mediocrity. Which reminds me, how many football players are aware of the fact they have more impact in fantasy football than in the NFL? I have players from the Titans, the Lions, the Chiefs, none of those teams are going anywhere. If you're Larry Johnson and you break a long run, do you dive for the pylon like in a video game and deliberately miss, just to see if you can hear hundreds of owners collectively scream until they have aneurysms? Do you fake injuries all week so everyone sits you, and then play at full speed on Sunday? It's a long season for these guys, they gotta do something other than watch film and not everyone tweets. Just something to consider.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'll be blunt with you, folks. I need a win this week.

There's just no two ways around it. Looking at my roster, I do have a little hope. For one thing, Brian Westbrook is back, and, if practice is any indication, at 100%. Great. It's still up in the air whether or not Larry Johnson or Ahmad Bradshaw will fill my second slot... but neither are really sterling choices. My other big move this week (on the Packers DST bye) was picking up the Bills D for their match up against the Browns. Call me crazy, but I like that move, and it's certainly better than playing my former bench D, the Seahawks. Gross.

The other big change is QB David Garrard, in for Drew Brees on his bye. Garrard had a big week last week and is now facing Seattle in Week 5. Not too shabby. I go forth with cautious optimism. That and a deep yearning that Cole bites it Sunday. Is that too much to ask, Jesus?

A Case for Brandon Marshall

2009-10-09T09:38:00.001-04:00

-It's an orange bird! An orange plane! It's the most talented Denver Bronco!-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th overall

It seems like only yesterday that I received an urgent text from the Colebagel: "Manny traded to the Dodgers." It was quickly followed by an angry volume-distorted phone call. How could this be? More than an eccentric, devil-may-care fan favorite on the Sox line-up, Ramirez was a natural talent. Even when it appeared he was half-assing it, he was hitting home runs. Steroid discussions aside, this was the case. Manny's bat was literally the backbone of Sox wins (and Ortiz's was probably... I dunno, a right femur). And he was traded. Why?

A "bad attitude".

Manny could be volatile. He pushed some agent once. He angered teammates by clearly not putting in 100% all the time. He clashed with Theo "franchise player, my ass" Epstein over his contract. Alright. He was a hand full. He was simultaneously known as one of baseball's greatest players and one of baseball's biggest SOBs. But, as Cole and I wondered (and I'm guessing a good chunk of Sox fan are still wondering), if you can do something singular, something fantastic, shouldn't that be a factor in evaluating a player's conflict with my-way-or-the-highway management?

Welcome to the Brandon Marshall story. Don't get me wrong, this is not a manifesto defending every me-first multi-millionaire jackass that bitches their whole life about playing a game for a living. No. Rather, let's call it an overview of why when this happened Sunday, an entire nfl audience wondered "where the hell has this guy been?"

It's been widely publicized, but here's a quick run down: Marshall, already a big time WR, or at least largely hyped, was nearly suspended by Broncos coach Josh McDaniels for a bad attitude during training camp. Apparently, Marshall was not happy with his contract. At the time of this blog's fantasy draft, Marshall's digital self was flagged as a huge risk. He and the coaches hate each other. Will he play often? Will he play hard? No one knew.

The flag was well deserved. Marshall barely registered for two weeks with a combined 6 fantasy points (7 total receptions [yeah, Pilk can cite stats too]), and no end zone frolicking. When McDaniels was asked where his star player was, he stated "there are a lot of guys on our team who deserve to play." And, for anyone paying attention, your BS detector should now be going off.

As fans of Coors Light know, in professional sports you play to win the game. Of course every player on the team deserves to play, but not all of them are optimal options to be a positive factor in actual game play. And some are better than others, and that is valued in the NFL system. Salaries prove that. So when Marshall, clearly an optimal choice, is on the bench, it looks a little fishy. Like "hissy fit sour grapes over smart winning strategy" fishy.

None of us lowly fans are gonna sit here and make the Devil's advocate argument about the pressures of celebrity to explain questionable behavior. (commanding millions of dollars in a highly competitive field, the immense pressure, yada, yada, yada). I accept that Marshall was a jerk in the preseason. I get it. Fine him. Slap his wrist. Hell, make him doubt that if he'll actually play. But when any given Sunday rolls around... you play him. Right?! You play any player with this talent. Unfortunately, the Bronco's record doesn't reflect any bonehead justice, they're 4-0. But in a notoriously short season, where every game counts, why risk it? You play your best players. Period. I mean, I know I'm new here, but I thought this was the case. Professional sports. Right? Am I on the wrong floor?

It appears there is a happy ending for Marshall, McDaniels and the Broncos (or at least happier than Manny vs Epstein, but, hey, we like you, J-Bay). Everyone is abuzz about Marshall's sweet play this Sunday and, as you can see at the end of the video, he and McDaniels hugged it out. Apparently, McDaniels has had nothing but praise for the guy he had to scare the crap out of before giving him a few plays per game. As my league's Marshall owner, yeah, I wish Josh and the Broncos organization found another way. But these are the politics of professional sports, as you sports people are telling me, and as I should learn to see, I suppose. It doesn't make sense to me, but hey, neither does this.

Welcome back, Brandon? I hope? And smooth move, McDaniels. Let's all try and get along, play nice, all that. And most certainly win.

Oh, you syrup-dipped dandies

2009-10-08T13:43:00.001-04:00

-Baby Roy flattening Nadeau into-- into a... a crepe.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th overall

That's right, screw it! A hockey post!

Quite frankly, I didn't even know that the NHL season just kicked off until my buddy Nick put it on with Cole and I last week. I know nothing about hockey... last hockey I saw was when the Providence Bruins went all the way in '99 to when to win the sterling silver maple leaf oscar cup, or whatever the hell it was. Still, it's the only major (term used loosely) American sport we've yet to write on, so here we go.

People say that watching hockey for the fights is like watching Nascar for the crashes (it is) and that doing either is wrong (it ain't). The NHL name Patrick Roy is vaguely familiar, and now his son's famous... for stomping the crap out of opposing goalie Bobby Nadeau in some junior league nonsense. I almost breezed by all this Canadian stuff, but then read some impressive facts about the situation:

First of all, Roy is a goalie. Nadeau is a goalie. That means Roy traveled the length of the rink to smash this guy. You think charging the mound is trip? Is there penalty for maniac, bloodthirsty, Braveheart-length sprints to rough up a fellow player? Oh yeah... I guess there is: arrest.

The beating was so bad that Roy was arrested, and plead guilty yesterday in a Quebec court. Now that's a goddamn penalty right there. Bam! The incident was so disturbing to the hockey community (and thus, apparently, Canadian society) that politicians and the prime minister have weighed in on the havoc. I'm officially frightened.

Dear Canada, please forgive me for everything I've said about you implying you were soft, wimpy, or unwilling to force your imperial influence over third-world societies. You were always my favorite continental neighbor ($9 for a Corona, Mexico!? C'mon!). And don't kill me. Please.

And that concludes our first hockey post! Next week: NASCAR and left-turn blinker jokes!

The Hunt for Red Soxtober

2009-10-08T09:49:00.001-04:00

-Celebrating the right to get swept by the Yankees-

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

No self-professed sports blog would be complete without discussing the MLB playoffs, at the very least to discuss how boring baseball is. But, as you've probably guessed by now, I'm a big baseball fan. So as the Sox take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Who Previously Used the Geographic Moniker "California", I'll be wearing my lucky stirrups and hoping the hometown ~~laundry~~ team doesn't disappoint.

Because I am a pessimist by nature ("not cuz I hate ya"), I'm sick of all these uplifting previews talking about what a treat Nick F***ing Punto is to watch (even if it is sarcastic). Instead, I'm going to run through the AL playoff participants and talk about the biggest question marks they face over the next few weeks, in inverse order of record.

Minnesota (AL Central, 87-76): Fatigue - While everyone else in the AL hasn't had to play a meaningful game since Labor Day, the Twins had to scrap and claw their way back just to force the one-game playoff with the Tigers. On Sept. 6, Minnesota was seven games off the AL Central lead. Adding insult to injury, Detroit took 12 innings to concede the division in the tiebreaker Tuesday night, as eight pitchers took the Metrodome mound for the home team. Now the Twins have to face a rested Yankees team that won all seven of the teams' contests by a combined score of 41-25.

Boston (AL Wild Card, 95-67): Inconsistency - Somewhere, the ghosts of Fire Joe Morgan cringed. Perhaps "inconsistency" really isn't the right word, as the Red Sox consistently beat up on crappy teams (i.e. a 16-2 record against Baltimore), and consistently disappointed against quality opponents (i.e. losing season series to the Rangers, Angels, and Mariners, and splitting with the Rays and Yankees). The high hopes the team carried into the season -- seemingly justified with their 47-30 record after three months -- were dashed with a disappointing July against a soft schedule and a slow fade into second place. It's hard for a 95-win team making its sixth playoff appearance in the past seven years to be labeled "disappointing," but people outside New England predicted 100 wins for the Sox with a straight face. Boston's high-priced stars will need to show signs of life like they did in the spring, or winter will arrive a lot sooner than expected for Fenway.

Los Angeles (AL West, 97-65): Pitching - Don't talk about the fact that the Red Sox have won 12 of their last 13 against the Angels, dating back to Dave Henderson's homer in 1986. Boston is playing this year's squad, not those other ones, and this year's model has the offensive firepower to keep up. Mike Scioscia's clubs have always been among the league leaders in stolen bases, and this year the team is near the top in OPS as well, right up there with Boston and New York. Where the team hovers around league average, however, is pitching. Choose any stat you want -- ERA, strikeouts, WHIP, whatever -- and LA is right smack dab in the middle of the pack. Can Weaver, Saunders, and Lackey shut down the Boston bats? Is the back of the pen solid? If these questions can't be answered, the Angels better pack their lumber if they want to advance.

New York (AL East, 103-59): Expectations - This one was tough, as (hard as it is to admit) the Yankees are far and away the class of the American League. Tops in hitting, tops in pitching, even defensively by some measures, the Yankees will be tough to beat. Unless...

Well, CC Sabathia has imploded in the last few playoff series. And A-Rod is famously batting .143 in his last 16 playoff games. And Mark Teixiera struggled under the bright lights when he first arrived in New York. And even Captain Calm Eyes McGee has appeared unnervingly human in the last few postseasons. The Steinbrenners need their superstars to play like superstars when it matters most, but that's probably their biggest obstacle between here and the World Series.

Predictions:
LAA over BOS, 3-1
NYY over MIN, 3-0
NYY over LAA, 4-2

Part 2, on the National League, will be posted ~~as soon as I learn some shit about the NL~~ probably tomorrow.

Week 4 Recap: And then there was 1. And 9.

2009-10-06T11:20:00.008-04:00

-You magnificent bastard.-

And the battle of Week 4 is concluded. Blows were thrown. Saviors were forsaken. And victory was had. Despite all of Cole's nervous pacing and curmudgeon fist-shaking, he was able to stagger away from RWPilk's team and into first place. Four weeks in and the lines have been drawn... but there's still a lot of football left. What's the forecast? Perhaps our two authors know. Perhaps.

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

I for one would like to start by sending a small shout-out to Matt Forte, whose 37-yard touchdown scamper in garbage time was a dagger to Sweet Fancy Moses, which had been obnoxiously hanging around all afternoon. With two carries totaling 91 yards (not to mention his first score), Forte made me glad I picked him third overall. It also gave him 19 points, nearly doubling his season total for the third straight week. I've done some extrapolation, and let me tell you, those are some crunchy numbers. Suffice it to say by the league playoffs, Forte will have enough yardage to stretch from Chicago to Phoenix. With a stopover in Seattle.

And Brandon Marshall. I mean, whew. Thank God this was not a close game; I'd be willing to bet there were a lot of furious owners drinking themselves into oblivion after the Cowboys' defense lost the ability to tackle and gave Kyle Orton a second last-second touchdown. At this rate, Kardiak Kyle will make Brett Favre look like JaMarcus Russell.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just want to take it one game at a time. I'm just focusing on beating The Golden Boys next week. No, it doesn't mean anything that I didn't shake Rob's hand after the game. And I am NOT videotaping his roster selection. Sheesh.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Oh, woe is me. Things are not going well in the "Sweet Fancy Moses" camp. As you can tell, I lost. I'm now 1-3 with the season 1/4 over. There's still time, but this is a hole people. And if things are gonna get back to at least interesting, my record has to get competitive fast.

There's really only one big, glaring, air traffic controller-flagged failure in my roster this week: Drew f****** Brees. The hype machine is still rolling on Mr. Brees, as (when he comes back from his bye) is still a "must start" in all leagues. Two weeks in a row he's scored less than 10 points. Hell, less than 8. Everyone is telling me oh wow, what a great pick, Brees is gonna be the lead scorer by years end. When? It won't matter when I'm in 11th. These games count now. My must-sit RBs, that I had almost no choice but to play, scored just a point or two shy of "the best pick ever." Jacksonville's Garrard, on my bench, would have won the game for me in Brees' place. But such is the nature of fantasy sports. It's not that I ain't thankful for your 48 point Week 1, Drew. Is it possible to spread that around a little?

There are some other weak spots. My running game is hurtin', but Westbrook will be back next week (according to reports). And with some obligatory bye spots down, I can empty a few spots and look for some new players. Until then, the Sweet Fancy Moses, and my "hogwash" fantasy theory, is listed as "questionable" for Week 5.

Live Blog: MNF Packers vs Vikings!

2009-10-05T20:30:00.063-04:00

-Are you ready for some embarrassment?!-

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm EST on ESPN

Welcome one and all! Sit back and bear witness to a fantasy football showdown: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blogging extravaganza! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Alright! Welcome one and all to SSFA!'s 2nd live blog! Come on in and warm yourself by the fire of burning football wreckage!

RWPilk
And for those that don't know, this was Cole and I's first and only match up week in our league And I'm sorry to say that, barring some kind of Green Bay D miracle tonight (40+ points) he will win. But more on that later. MNF is on Packers! Vikings! That Favre guy! Let's do it!

Cole
Aaaand Mike Tirico kicks off with hyperbole #1: "If you built a Mount Rushmore of Green Bay, B**** F**** would be on it." Sigh.

RWPilk
Who else would be on it? A dairy cow?

Cole
I dunno ... Vince Lombardi? Bart Starr? Curly Lambeau? Aaannd... yeah all right, fine. F****. Hyperbole continues, by the way. I'm pretty sure Adrian Peterson is not the best runner of all time after one full season.

RWPilk
Bryan, looking into the crowd, can we possibly quantify how many bad hats we're gonna see tonight? Cheese. Horns. This has gotta be the worst game to attend and actually sit behind someone.

Cole
Donald Lee with an athletic move, and the Pack is having some success with the short game on the first drive; they're already near the 50.

RWPilk
"He could play in space!" ...I don't know what that means, announcer man. And a fumble. Here we go Packers D! What are the chances of 17 sacks and 21 picks?

Cole
Welp, You-Know-Who is on the field now. For those of you playing the F**** drinking game, my condolences to your families, as you clearly won't survive this. Please note, by the way, F**** is working with Adrian Peterson, not vice versa. If this team succeeds, it's because Peterson runs over everyone. Or because F**** doesn't throw 90 picks.

RWPilk
Taunting! I don't get points for taunting, Packers! Jesus. Keep the pie holes shut and just sack, sack, sack.

Cole
Look on the bright side: one big hit, and the fate of the Vikings rests in the hands of one Tarvaris Jackson. Or Sage Rosenfels.

RWPilk
Ah, and there it is. He was wide open! What are you people doing!? Adrian Peterson! And, by the way, is it just me or does Favre look like a kid wearing his dad's clothes? That jersey is like Refrigerator Perry size! -rimshot- That's right folks, I just made a successful NFL joke. I know a little bit.

Cole
Nooo! Pilk! Ixnay on the intelligence. You'll blow our cover!

RWPilk
Actually I only know that because I know the a jeweler who worked for the company that produced the Superbowl rings that year for the Steelers. He said you could fit a dachshund in Perry's ring. A dachshund! Anyway. Awesome play, Packers. And now it's a game.

Cole
...Perry played for the Bears. He shuffled and everything! Back to normal. Phew. And just in time for F**** to retake the field.

RWPilk
Is it too much ask for a pick? Aw thanks, Harvin. I need more Vikings to down themselves in the backfield. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say pause for that. I'll sleep better.

Colebag, can we talk about the Eagles for a moment? We both got some big guns coming back for week 5. And I know, at least in my case, it's not soon enough.

Cole
Oh what, now? Oops. Okay. I know McNabb practiced today, haven't heard anything about Westbrook yet.

Uh oh. Meanwhile, Rodgers gets his bell rung on a huge sack and a terrible pass. Looks more and more like Brett every day, huh Pack fans.

RWPilk
"All these Packers are trying to hit Favre right now!" Yeah. Because one good hit will remind Favre it's past his bedtime. You have weeding to do tomorrow, Brett! Weeding!

Cole
You know, this drive Peterson's been held more or less in check and F****'s been carving up the Packers' D, just like on that TD pass to Sidney Rice. Still gotta work on those celebrations with Chester Taylor, though.

RWPilk
For those watching at home who aren't getting enough Favre mentions, Sears is here to fill that void in your life. Good God. Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercial breaks. Alright, back to the game!

Cole
Vikings' defense shuts down Rodgers again, and someone's looking like an idiot for picking the Pack +3.5. And that'd be me. Oh well, still up after the week in my picks league.

RWPilk
Oh! Take it, Peterson! That a DTD for my team! Whahahahaha! You go and you think about that, Adrian!

Cole
Whoa! Good morning. What a hit on the kickoff return. Vikes get the ball back and, I assume, so will Peterson. The Packers are awake again.

RWPilk
That was a pick! C'mon refs! Oh, good christ! Stop talking about Favre's age. He's old... we all get it! I want him sacked and ground into some kind of fine, milk soluble powder. Cheers!

Cole
Oh, I see you're doing a good job making up for a mostly sober first half.

Meanwhile, can someone tell Jon Gruden we don't care what he looked like in 1992? Please, Jon, shut your face already. As we hit halftime, I never thought I'd say it, but I almost miss Tony Kornheiser. Wait, no I don't.

RWPilk
Alright. 2nd half. I'm trying to get excited, but not even Kid Rock helps. I got a bad feeling for Green Bay. Whoa that guy spray-painted his cheesehead black! "Favre for life!" I'm frightened! And there's a connection for Favre... and some guy. God dammit!

Cole
I believe that's spelt, "Favre 4 Life." Maybe "4 Lyfe" even. And you know your defense is in trouble when your cornerback is fixing his mouthpiece as his man coasts into the end zone.

RWPilk
Apparently we have a guy following SSFA! for actual sports news. Holy god. Didn't think it would happen. For the record, it's GB 14 Vikings 28, 3rd quarter. So, there you go buddy. Thanks for following? lol Wow.

Cole
Can you tell that we're new/not good at this? A big shout out to Lone Star College and whatever anonymous teacher is depending on us for updates...you poor bastard. On the off chance it's not blocked, here's the GameTracker.

Meanwhile, while we spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out where the hell Lone Star College is, the Packers have taken the ball down to the Minnesota 35, as Rodgers is connecting through the air as the pocket collapses. Nothing deep, but infinite eight-yard passes will get you there eventually.

RWPilk
Thank GOD that wasn't a fumble, and the "body part of the arm" wasn't a crucial factor. The Vikings are still stopping them on the line! C'mon Packers! Go for it on 4th down!

Cole
Fourth down from the 1.5 yard line, and GB goes empty backfield...and Donald Lee drops the pass in the end zone! Right through his hands, and a turnover on downs. Aaron Rodgers is understandably disappointed.

RWPilk
Well, I can still hope for a safety! Mwahahahaha! The most embarrassing of NFL scores! I have to say though, that was some incredible red zone defense for the Vikings.

Cole
I don't understand why the Vikings are still throwing so much here. You have Peterson, why not use him? You run down a lot more clock than F**** gunning incompletions down the sideline.

Oh, and that's the end of the 3rd quarter, still 28-14 Vikings.

Cole
Interesting play call by the Vikings: Wildcat formation, reverse gets the ball to Sidney Rice, who looks downfield before scrambling out of the pocket and wisely throwing the ball well out of bounds. Vikings punt the ball away with 13 minutes left, and called 8 passes to 3 runs during that drive. As exciting as those kind of plays are to watch, if I were a Vikings fan, I would be having a coronary about the play calling come December.

-A reenactment of the tonight's MNF announcing. C'mon people-

RWPilk
Alright. I'm not writing about Favre ever again. I've had my fill for a lifetime tonight. Just one more touchdown would make this an interesting game. Green Bay is getting another shot. Let's see what happens!

Cole
Welcome to the club, Pilk. And you know, they keep talking about how great a game F**** is having, but Rodgers has been sacked six times and F**** hasn't even hit the artificial turf recently. Add that to the fact that Ryan Grant is getting killed trying to get the ball out of his own end zone -- oop! and another sack/turnover for the Vikes' D. Conclusion: Minnesota has a world-class offensive line and defensive line. Meanwhile, the announcers have talked about how "courageous" the Vikings' ownership is, but would you hear about the line play? Yeah right.

Green Bay challenged that it was an incomplete pass rather than a fumble. Replays make it look like a safety. And Jaworski just said taking a safety is better than giving up a touchdown for the Packers. Uh, no, because the Vikings get the ball after a safety, which leads to (a) the potential for more points, and (b) more time off the clock. Attaboy, Ron.

With the reversal, Minnesota picks up two points and it's now 30-14 with 7:21 left.

RWPilk
Mike Tirico "I know we mentioned Favre is gonna turn 40 a couple of times..." A couple of times?! Jesus Christ! I think I know his shoe size, his darkest fear, and the name of his 4th grade teacher by now. Sigh. For the record: it's Packers 14, Vikings 30. 5 min left in the 4th quarter.

Cole
Rodgers' scrambling leads to a 33-yard touchdown for Jordy Nelson. The 2-point conversion fails though, because -- surprise surprise -- the Vikings apply way too much pressure. 30-20 with 3:40 left.

RWPilk
Well, I hate to say it, but it looks pretty bleak for the Packers. Especially after the missed 2pts. Packers trail by 10 in the final 3 1/2 minutes. You know Bryan, I was just reading an article about how a significant portion of the Packers team didn't even play with Favre so were not "fired up" for this game. I would have disagreed in the the first half. But now... maybe a little.

Cole
I'm not worried about that, to be honest. That's the kind of "hindpsychology" that everyone uses after the game but is completely worthless beforehand.

Speaking of worthless, let's talk about Brad Childress' terrible playcalling. After the Packers use their last timeout, Childress calls a long bomb that of course falls incomplete and gives the Packers the ball back after a mere 30 seconds. Terrifying. I said it before, I'll say it again: the Vikes win despite Childress, not because of him. Grant goes out of bounds and Green Bay is scrambling for some points with just under 2 minutes left.

RWPilk
Good God, coach McCarthy. You're the picture of confidence. Turning through your little playbook 2-ring binder like an 8th grader in desperate need of his hw. Shaking your head like you have absolutely no idea what's going on. You're killin' me man! And the seconds tick down. I congratulate Bryan on a good win this week. My team did not deliver. More on that tomorrow. Cole, some closing thoughts?

Cole
Degenerate gamblers everywhere were screaming at their TVs for Green Bay to score a touchdown and cover the spread.

Oh Christ. Now Michelle Tafoya drools over B**** F**** in the usual self-serving interview. The worst of the worst, as F**** says, "I'm always emotional," with tears in his eyes. Oh really. Well, Manny Ramirez just called; says he has some hormones to help with your menopause.

And then Mike Tirico adds insult to injury by throwing in, "You're probably sick of hearing about the drama." Yeah. Yeah we are. And now Trent Dilfer just called him, "absolute magic". I hate all types of things now.

RWPilk
And that concludes our 2nd live blog! Stay tuned for more fantasy hilarity tomorrow and thanks to all who joined us for the insanity tonight. I think I speak for both Cole and I when I say... Screw this! I'm going to bed.

Week 4 Preview: The glass is half empty. Twice.

2009-10-02T17:05:00.001-04:00

-Chicken soup, comin' up!-

Oh, gentle-hearted ssfa! readers... if only every week could be as big, as epic and so running with the sweet juices of drama as Week 4. This Sunday, Brees and his Saints march on Rex's Jets, both 3-0. Monday, Favre takes on his former Packers while wearing purple. And, brace yourself people, for the only time this fantasy season, Cole and RWPilk will go head-to-head and face each other. Will Cole's calculations come through with a win? Will Pilk's drunken staggering plop him face-first into victory? Let's go to them now for the skinny...
And don't forget to tune in for our MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL liveblog, 8:30 EST! Don't miss it!!!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-1, 6th Overall

I can see it coming a mile away.

I don't know how it's going to happen, but I'm going to get destroyed. Maybe Drew Brees will throw for 400 yards and five touchdowns, the world's biggest sign that, hey, maybe he would've been worth a top-three pick. Maybe T.O. will catch so many touchdowns that he runs out of preening touchdown dances. Or maybe I'll be up a few going into Monday night, and then the Packers' D comes up with a late TAINT (touchdown after interception) off Favre for some storybook revenge and maximum screwing-me-over. I can't tell for certain.

All I know is, if a lifetime of rooting for perennial punching bags has taught me anything, it's that any game you really want to or have to win, Murphy's Law will ensure you won't. Just take it easy on me Tuesday after Pilk humiliates me by 30, that's all I ask.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th Overall

I gotta be straight with you people, but I'm not optimistic about my face-off with Colebag. Not a lot of factors are counting for me. Pretty much my whole team is coming a downright chilly week, and the forecast for Week 4 isn't rosy.

Item uno: Mister Brees. Following a rigid 4-point performance against the Bills last week, the nawlin's golden boy is facing the Jets, which, I've learned, has the best pass defense right now. When did that happen? Cole points out that the Jets opponents haven't been spectacular, but nevertheless, Brees has been the backbone of my score, and I'll need him to score well if I'm to have a chance at winning.

Item B: Running Backs. I'm screwed. Westbrook is hurt and on a bye. Fine. Hopefully he'll be back with McNabb and the Eagles crew healthy and ready to rock in Week 5. Good, great. In the meantime, I gotta suffer with KC's Larry Johnson (who's been a dud for 3 weeks) and the Giants' Ahmad Bradshaw, who didn't even practice Wednesday and is "questionable" for Week 4. Ugh. Don't get me started on T.O. (WR). I'm hoping he at least touches the ball.

Item 3: The Green Bay D. Is there any chance Favre can get in some freak weeding accident in the next 2 days? Don't get me wrong, they've been solid. And now they're going up against they're former QB/ Wrangler Jeans spokesman. I would guess that there's a good chance the D will be fired up for revenge. But they're IN Minnesota, and the Vikings are coming off a dramatic win. CBS is predicting a definitive FAIL for the Packers D. But with the Seahawks as my alternate, I've got no choice but to go with the big cheese this week. Let's hope Favre develops lactose intolerance.

So, there are some issues. Still, having watched a moderate amount of football the last few years, I'm a big believer in the "Any Given Sunday" rule. Anything can happen. CBS is predicting Cole to win by a significant margin. But they also air three versions of CSI. It helps me sleep at night.

Contact Us

2009-10-02T14:01:00.008-04:00

Questions? Comments? Passionate proclamations of your unwavering loyalty? Let's hear 'em. Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! now has an email address. So get typin' and let her rip.

ssfa.mail [at] gmail.com

SSFA! is on Facebook! Come be our friend (with benefits? Hmmm?)!

Also, don't forget to check out Cole and RWPilk on Twitter!
Cole on Twitter
RWPilk on Twitter

Here We Geaux Again

2009-10-01T15:06:00.001-04:00

- We can't hear you! La la la! -

Cole

Current Standing: 2-1, 6th Overall

Only three weeks into the young NFL season, and I (like many other Saints fans) can't take it any more. I can't watch football coverage, or read about football, or listen to podcasts, or anything.

The Saints are supposed to be good.

Everyone's saying it: national-level pundits, like Michael Lombardi and Bill Simmons and Don Banks, are all putting New Orleans in the upper echelon of the league. But I refuse to get excited because, like most Saints fans, I am painfully aware of our history.

You see, there are only five teams that haven't made a Super Bowl in franchise history. Two -- the Texans and Jaguars -- have only been in existence for a decade or so. The rest, of course, have been models of futility for generations: the Browns, the Lions, and your New Orleans Saints.

Needless to say, any decent news is blown way out of proportion. As Chris Rose put it, "You must remember this about this franchise: The most memorable play in team history was a field goal kicked by a guy with half a foot."

Of course, every silver lining has a cloud for these guys. Consensus top pick Reggie Bush miraculously falls to second in the 2006 draft … and slowly deteriorates into a disappointment. The Saints make the playoffs for the first time in six years … and get blown out by the Bears in the snow. Drew Brees nearly sets the single-season passing record … and the team finishes last in the NFC South at 8-8. Not to mention, of course, New Orleans getting an NFL team in the first place … and then finding out they were the Saints. Tough to get more depressing than that.

That's why I ask you, pundits: please, for the love of Gumbo, stop predicting good things for the Saints. There's no possible way it'll end well, not for a team with this history.

If you'd really like to see them succeed, write them off when Mark "Dreamboat" Sanchez picks them apart this Sunday. Talk about how overrated they are. Talk about their lack of a defense. Talk about the unbearable stench that envelops Bourbon Street. Talk about whatever else you want, other than the possibility they might be a great team in a wide-open NFC. That way, there are no expectations, and they can play the old "Nobody believed in us!" card on the off chance they actually do something good.

Or, at least, hype up the next Super Bowl there. New Orleanians still know how to party, even if they don't have experience planning a victory parade.

Monday Night Live Blogging!

2009-10-01T11:10:00.006-04:00

-Two words for you, dude. "Tic, Tac."-

Cole and RWPilk are at it again! To commemorate the only week this season that our two authors will be going head-to-head, SSFA! will host another live blog for Monday Night Football! Just as Green Bay and Minnesota's rivalry spills over when Favre switches uniforms, Cole and RWPilk will put their fantasy theories to the test in this one-on-one gauntlet! So tune in for every blow, every beer, every quiet sob of bitter humiliation!
The hilarity commences Monday!

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm on ESPN

This shall do for MLB news

2009-09-30T15:18:00.011-04:00

-I believe that's a "venti".-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th overall

Will the Sox make the wild card? Will Lester and Becket return and kick ass? Was it Tito Francona at the Green Monster with the Pesky Pole (pause)? From all residing Sox fans, the word on the street is "meh." Until the playoffs hit, baseball is in a bit a lull. But that's when the Travel Channel comes in. Yeah, seriously.

Ooh, our first SSFA! TV recommendation! I've been a fan of Man v Food for a while, and today ESPN is talking to the host/face-stuffer Adam Richman about tonight's episode in which he tours a bunch of ballparks to cram his hole with millions of dollars of heat lamped-warmed food (seriously, ballpark food is expensive). The show is a hoot and it's the only program you could show to a bunch of Somalian refugees and give them a stomach ache.

Adam is a cool guy. Watching this dude do what he does, you realize he's putting his life on the line to entertain you. Five pound burritos. Giant pancakes. Chicken wings that have to be made with a gas mask. A gas mask! This guy will eat them all. I sat down in watched this guy eat something like 180 oysters. For someone who must spend half his life clutching the porcelain chair and praying for sweet death, he's always happy to shuck another one down.

So tune in tonight, 10pm EST on the Travel channel. And bring Tums.

Well, is he or isn't he?!

2009-09-29T14:21:00.002-04:00

-This is not the Patriot you're looking for...-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th overall

Quick shout out to the NE Patriots this afternoon. Hey, Pats! How are you? Grab a beer, hang out. You wanna throw in for a pizza? Whaddaya mean you just ate? You knew you were coming over! Well, what am I gonna eat? Ah, screw it. You see, my years of wrought animosity towards you has been softened by your average performance this year. I even, God help me, have stopped myself from coming to your defense in a New England sports media storm that thinks a 2-1 record is reason hole up in some kind of sports fan bomb shelter. Take it easy people. It's Week 3.

Still, that doesn't mean it's not business as usual in Belichickville. I've already pointed out Bill's cloak-and-dagger policy concerning his DL, and just this last Sunday cornerback Wilhite mysteriously rode the pine. Apparently there was some kind of intruder disturbance at Wilhite's home Sunday morning. That's scary, I ain't messin' with that. But watching everyone in the Belichick regime trying to get their story straight is fun. Let's watch!

First of all, Wilhite was spotted warming up with other members of the team Sunday. So, whatever happened Sunday morning... Wilhite suited up and showed up. Cut to after the game: in his press conference, Belichick stated that Wilhite "was injured" Sunday morning. When? At home? After he suited up to play? When grilled, Wilhite's agent also stated: "The injury is nothing serious... It's a police matter. The kid is fine." I don't think statements that include "injury" and "police matter" theoretically should end with a smile, a thumbs up, and a "s'all good!" But that's just me.

It sounds like a private matter and that's perfectly legitimate and fine. I even give props to Wilhite for showing up. God knows if I was attacked by a team of elite ninjas in my home while I'm making coffee one morning (which I'm assuming is what happened), I ain't going to work. Just, why all the smoke and mirrors? Will a public statement of support and need for privacy really give opponents a look inside the this impenetrable 2009 fortress of... field goals? By confusing the press, you just attract more attention. Perhaps the Pats D should adopt this organization's policy with the press. No one would talk to each other, but at least every opposing team would be shut out.