Showing posts with label cbs guru. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cbs guru. Show all posts

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Playoff Preview: Clash of the Titans

-Nineteen points is nineteen points, Reggie. Doesn't mean you get to come on to me.-

This one's for all the marbles! In an unexpected turn of events, our authors clash head-to-head in the first week of fantasy football playoffs, once and for all settling their fantasy sports theory dispute! It's Cole's Flabby Armed Spanking Machine against RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses... a death match bound to end in tears! Let's go to them now for all of the ugly, mortifying, soul-crushing details! You bring the tissues.

And don't miss our Sabbath day spectatcular as SSFA! will update continuously through the NFL games on Sunday, December 20th as our two esteemed authors duke it out! Blood, tears, hissy fits... just the thing to put you in the holiday spirit! See you then!



Cole
Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

Right around 11 pm last night, it all went to hell for me. Reggie Wayne caught a 65-yard touchdown pass that turned a subpar performance into a stellar one, and gave me a 19-point hole to dig out of. And then the heat stopped working -- just in my bedroom. I threw something in frustration, and it broke a key off my keyboard. Naturally. So as I cried myself to sleep on the couch in the living room, I realized this was not going to be my lucky weekend.

At this point, I'm sure my opponent is jumping up and down at his good fortune and I'm sure you expect me to be loudly and obnoxiously proclaiming my doom, so I'm glad we both played into those stereotypes anyway. One may have expected some trash talking but that seems fruitless, especially given the semi-random nature of fantasy sports. I will say this though: for as much as Pilk over there wants to talk about his Theory, he was pretty damn quiet about it when he was floundering around .500 and considering benching Drew Brees.

Meanhwile, in other action, Rob's friend Mark takes on Gi, with Gi the heavy favorite thanks in large part to a huge game by Peyton Manning and the continued injury-based woes of Michael Turner. Sorry Gi, but you know I'm rooting for Mark, since he scored 60 points in the regular season finale and will probably still be hurting next week.

Assuming I don't embarrass myself first.



RWPilk
Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I'm off to a good start with Reggie Wayne, unjinxed and back in action with 19 points from last night's game. That already puts the Sweet Fancy Moses ahead of the CBS Guru estimation, which is only worth mentioning because they have Cole beating me by like 40 points. What is this? Week 4? I don't think so.

I also made (what I hope to be) my last waiver wire grabs of the year. In for RB Darren Sproles and my "please god, just touch the ball" running back strategy is RB Quinten Ganther from Washington who's supposed to be hot hot hot (pause). And Matt Prater was recruited as well, the kicker from Denver. Yeah, that's right, I'm still tweaking my kickers. I'd leave it alone if everyone else was getting a 2-4 kicker score every week, but a lot of people in my league are breaking double digits. I can't risk it. Welcome aboard, guys. Whatever you do, don't bugger this up.

And that's about it. Brees, Austin, Marshall... they're set it and forget it. They've taken me this far... and by this far, I mean locked me in the bowels of the league standings until the last 4 Weeks. But I gotta let them do their thing. And let me say that it's fun to have the opportunity to play Cole again. He's an okay guy in small doses. Small, tie-me-down, inject-painfully-into-your-brain stem doses. Cause that's what this blog is all about. Friendship.


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Friday, December 11, 2009

Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk
Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?


Cole
Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Week 13 Preview: Guru Voodoo

-C'mon, I carried the one!-

And lucky Week 13 is upon us. Will it spell doom for RWPilk's final rally into playoff contention? Or will it--... well, nothing really bad can happen to Cole's team now. He's clinched. But maybe something annoying will happen. Yes... yes, something dreadfully annoying. Maybe McNabb will suffer a hangnail. Or Matt Forte will kneel at the 1. Or Pilk will steal the last of Cole's laundry detergent for the week. Yes... yes, something dreadful indeed.



Cole
Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

My fear when I started this season was that I am dangerously unqualified to run a fantasy sports blog, and that it would demonstrate itself over the course of the season. Anyone who's watched the abysmal performance of my receivers ("Jason Avant or Kenny Britt? Hmmm...") might argue that that's still the case, but by and large I haven't embarrassed myself this year. With one win, I wrap up the best regular-season record in the league.

It's the same in my other league with Ted and Mike. Ted and I both have 9-3 records, and are matching up head-to-head for the only time in the regular season. Since the playoffs start next week (two-week playoffs! I think I like it; more on that later), the winner gets the best regular season record. ESPN's predictions notwithstanding, it's hard not to feel like I'm the underdog. Look at that passing game: Brady! Moss! AP! LDT! Welker! ...Mendenhall? Oh, against the Raiders. Okay, Menden--ah, you get the point. Some shrewd roster manipulation by Mr. Hall, whose averaged 3 or 4 moves a week over the course of the season. You put that much time in, you deserve it. But, like I said, the "expert" predictions give me a 14-point edge, so my plucky little autodraft squad might stand a chance to ruin everyone's fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the Seinfeld League scores for the next hour and pray that someone forgets to take out Matt Ryan.



RWPilk
Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

The CBS fantasy program has this thing, which I'm sure other fantasy hosting sites have, where it "predicts" what your players are going to score in the coming week. I would go on to detail what criteria is used to dictate how the "guru" comes up with these numbers, but I have no idea. That's the point. Break it down for the Moses', O Guru of Gurus:

QB Brees (v WAS): 21
RB McCoy (v ATL): 15
RB Sproles (v CLE): 2 (#%@$!)
WR Wayne (v TEN): 14
WR Austin (v NYG): 13
TE Boss (v DAL): 10
WR Marhsall (v KC): 14
K Gould (v STL): 11
DST Packers (v BAL): 7

That's a 107 sum. A good score. Why all the calculating? Because this week, the guru has me beating our guest columnist Gina, who arguably has the scariest team in the league. There are no byes or big injuries, just straight starters. God knows I'm no calculatin' Cole, like upstairs there, so I admit, I've relied on the guru a few times for some answers. And they're almost always wrong answers.

The guru has never ever been right. Not really. And now, this week, I have to ask that it is.

Crap.

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