Broke Up the Post Pattern

- CBS Sports' crack team creates playoff tiebreaker scenarios. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Woof. That was one of the most embarrassing performances in recent memory.

Only a couple of posts all day? Pathetic. At least we had that open-comment thing going on, which was kind of cool.

Oh yeah, and my team sucked up the place too.

Don't worry, though. We're going to recap everything tonight anyway. Copious amounts of alcohol are listed as "probable".

Join us tonight for MNF!
NY Giants vs WAS Redskins
8:30PM EST on ESPN

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Sabbath Day Spectacular: Live!

-Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Can't we settle on a handshake?-

Join us one and all for one damn good fantasy football showdown! Our authors Cole and RWPilk are locked head-to-head in an end-all, be-all playoff battle! Who will win? Who's fantasy sports theory will have to eat the most crow? It's all come down to this! Our brave scribes will update throughout today with live updates on their score as today's NFL happenings will seal their fates forever! So, keep that refresh button ready (most recent updates at the top) and watch all the insanity unfold! It's on!

Live Score:
Cole's Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine: 59
RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses: 92
-total Sunday score-

RWPilk
I'm lucking out here with two fumbles by Cole's guys early in the 1pm game. RBs Johnson and Foster with the butter fingers... Meanwhile in the Patriots game, Bills look like they could give them a little trouble. But it at least look like Moss is paying attention this week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

I really expected a lot of trash talking, but mercifully both parties seem to be playing the humble defeatist card, trying to out-woe the other all weekend. It's another battle I'm prepared to lose this weekend, and as I shiver in my still-heatless room, I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. Rob has a 49-10 advantage on me with Brees, Austin and Wayne down; mercifully, that's most of his big guns, but it still means I'll have to have a very good week in order to beat him, especially given the five points I got from both the Saints' defense and kicker.

Couple of last-minute audibles: Matt Forte finds the bench -- again -- in favor of Arian Foster of Houston, while Antonio Bryant of Tampa Bay replaces the off-again, off-some-more-again Calvin Johnson who should see quadruple coverage against the Cardinals.

Oh well. At least the house Christmas party means that I've started drinking already.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I can't tell if I'm in good shape or not. While WR Reggie Wayne and WR Miles Austin were pretty great... however Brees just barely got into double digits with 11 points. Not good. Still, there's a lot of football left. My score won't change until after 4pm EST... But here's hoping that Cole's team doesn't get too far ahead before that happens. Yikes.

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Playoff Preview: Clash of the Titans

-Nineteen points is nineteen points, Reggie. Doesn't mean you get to come on to me.-

This one's for all the marbles! In an unexpected turn of events, our authors clash head-to-head in the first week of fantasy football playoffs, once and for all settling their fantasy sports theory dispute! It's Cole's Flabby Armed Spanking Machine against RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses... a death match bound to end in tears! Let's go to them now for all of the ugly, mortifying, soul-crushing details! You bring the tissues.

And don't miss our Sabbath day spectatcular as SSFA! will update continuously through the NFL games on Sunday, December 20th as our two esteemed authors duke it out! Blood, tears, hissy fits... just the thing to put you in the holiday spirit! See you then!

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

Right around 11 pm last night, it all went to hell for me. Reggie Wayne caught a 65-yard touchdown pass that turned a subpar performance into a stellar one, and gave me a 19-point hole to dig out of. And then the heat stopped working -- just in my bedroom. I threw something in frustration, and it broke a key off my keyboard. Naturally. So as I cried myself to sleep on the couch in the living room, I realized this was not going to be my lucky weekend.

At this point, I'm sure my opponent is jumping up and down at his good fortune and I'm sure you expect me to be loudly and obnoxiously proclaiming my doom, so I'm glad we both played into those stereotypes anyway. One may have expected some trash talking but that seems fruitless, especially given the semi-random nature of fantasy sports. I will say this though: for as much as Pilk over there wants to talk about his Theory, he was pretty damn quiet about it when he was floundering around .500 and considering benching Drew Brees.

Meanhwile, in other action, Rob's friend Mark takes on Gi, with Gi the heavy favorite thanks in large part to a huge game by Peyton Manning and the continued injury-based woes of Michael Turner. Sorry Gi, but you know I'm rooting for Mark, since he scored 60 points in the regular season finale and will probably still be hurting next week.

Assuming I don't embarrass myself first.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I'm off to a good start with Reggie Wayne, unjinxed and back in action with 19 points from last night's game. That already puts the Sweet Fancy Moses ahead of the CBS Guru estimation, which is only worth mentioning because they have Cole beating me by like 40 points. What is this? Week 4? I don't think so.

I also made (what I hope to be) my last waiver wire grabs of the year. In for RB Darren Sproles and my "please god, just touch the ball" running back strategy is RB Quinten Ganther from Washington who's supposed to be hot hot hot (pause). And Matt Prater was recruited as well, the kicker from Denver. Yeah, that's right, I'm still tweaking my kickers. I'd leave it alone if everyone else was getting a 2-4 kicker score every week, but a lot of people in my league are breaking double digits. I can't risk it. Welcome aboard, guys. Whatever you do, don't bugger this up.

And that's about it. Brees, Austin, Marshall... they're set it and forget it. They've taken me this far... and by this far, I mean locked me in the bowels of the league standings until the last 4 Weeks. But I gotta let them do their thing. And let me say that it's fun to have the opportunity to play Cole again. He's an okay guy in small doses. Small, tie-me-down, inject-painfully-into-your-brain stem doses. Cause that's what this blog is all about. Friendship.

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Week 14 Recap: Playoff Bound!

-It's good?! It's fan-freakin'-tastic!!!-

In tale that couldn't have been written, the SSFA! fantasy football battle plunges into high drama! In an long-shot comeback, RWPilk's team has swept its division... and earned a place in the playoffs! Now, Cole must lead his 1st place team into a re-match for the ages! Stay with us, folks, it doesn't get much better than this! The gauntlet is thrown, and all will finally know the truth about fantasy sports! Let's go to our authors now for the recap of these incredible events!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

This week, I have very little to say. But I think I've found something that sums it up quite nicely:



I won't gloat. Gloating would imply that I had something to do with the comeback my team has made. But that's not what my fantasy football theory is all about. Instead, I celebrate that my theory has legs... and the chance to be proven correct! Still, it feels good that my "team" went out and did exactly what it needed to do and swept my division (special shout out to WR Brandon Marshall for putting up record-breaking numbers). Fan-f***ing-tastic.

That is all. Ladies. Gentlemen. Cole? I'll see you all... next week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

You will never see a more disheartened 11-3 owner.

Beating the Moops 113-85 in the regular season finale was nice and all, but once again I left massive points on the bench thanks to Reggie Bush's two touchdowns and Matt Forte being, well, Khan.



So now I have a week to figure out how to get more than a dozen points out of my receivers. My options are Calvin Johnson (note to self: send Get Well Soon bouquet to Matt Stafford), Dwayne Bowe (off a suspension), Kenny Britt, Austin Collie, or Jerricho Cotchery (note to self: suicide = painless). And don't even bring up Greg "This-Could-Be-a-Good-Sleeper-TE-Pick" Olsen.

I'm off to the shrines I built to Chris Johnson and Ray Rice to see if they can't bail me out. Again. Time to call the boss and tell him I'm developing a severe illness that will incapacitate me for the next two weeks. How about shingles? Painful, contagious, common ... that might be the trick.

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Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

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Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.

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Week 13 Preview: Guru Voodoo

-C'mon, I carried the one!-

And lucky Week 13 is upon us. Will it spell doom for RWPilk's final rally into playoff contention? Or will it--... well, nothing really bad can happen to Cole's team now. He's clinched. But maybe something annoying will happen. Yes... yes, something dreadfully annoying. Maybe McNabb will suffer a hangnail. Or Matt Forte will kneel at the 1. Or Pilk will steal the last of Cole's laundry detergent for the week. Yes... yes, something dreadful indeed.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

My fear when I started this season was that I am dangerously unqualified to run a fantasy sports blog, and that it would demonstrate itself over the course of the season. Anyone who's watched the abysmal performance of my receivers ("Jason Avant or Kenny Britt? Hmmm...") might argue that that's still the case, but by and large I haven't embarrassed myself this year. With one win, I wrap up the best regular-season record in the league.

It's the same in my other league with Ted and Mike. Ted and I both have 9-3 records, and are matching up head-to-head for the only time in the regular season. Since the playoffs start next week (two-week playoffs! I think I like it; more on that later), the winner gets the best regular season record. ESPN's predictions notwithstanding, it's hard not to feel like I'm the underdog. Look at that passing game: Brady! Moss! AP! LDT! Welker! ...Mendenhall? Oh, against the Raiders. Okay, Menden--ah, you get the point. Some shrewd roster manipulation by Mr. Hall, whose averaged 3 or 4 moves a week over the course of the season. You put that much time in, you deserve it. But, like I said, the "expert" predictions give me a 14-point edge, so my plucky little autodraft squad might stand a chance to ruin everyone's fun.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stare at the Seinfeld League scores for the next hour and pray that someone forgets to take out Matt Ryan.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

The CBS fantasy program has this thing, which I'm sure other fantasy hosting sites have, where it "predicts" what your players are going to score in the coming week. I would go on to detail what criteria is used to dictate how the "guru" comes up with these numbers, but I have no idea. That's the point. Break it down for the Moses', O Guru of Gurus:

QB Brees (v WAS): 21
RB McCoy (v ATL): 15
RB Sproles (v CLE): 2 (#%@$!)
WR Wayne (v TEN): 14
WR Austin (v NYG): 13
TE Boss (v DAL): 10
WR Marhsall (v KC): 14
K Gould (v STL): 11
DST Packers (v BAL): 7

That's a 107 sum. A good score. Why all the calculating? Because this week, the guru has me beating our guest columnist Gina, who arguably has the scariest team in the league. There are no byes or big injuries, just straight starters. God knows I'm no calculatin' Cole, like upstairs there, so I admit, I've relied on the guru a few times for some answers. And they're almost always wrong answers.

The guru has never ever been right. Not really. And now, this week, I have to ask that it is.

Crap.

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Week 12 Recap: And Then There Were Two...

-"@%!#"-

And we say a prayer in memoriam for Week 12. It was a great week, full of victory, triumph, and fixin's. The Thanksgiving holiday week spelled victory for both our authors, with Cole furthering his league supremacy and RWPilk kicking off his wild card rally in a big way. What more can one be thankful for?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

That's how you do it.

This week, my team did exactly what it needed to and blew away the competition with the highest score of the week. That bumps me up a few places in my league and puts me in the thick of what is become a pretty crowded wild card race.

It goes without saying that I will need all of my players to continue to put up high, winning numbers (I'm looking at you, TE Kevin Boss!). I'd like to say I'm facing some cupcake matches this week, but none are really standing out. Where are Lions when you need them? Oh, wait that was just this last week. Go Packers!

Hey, can some beat this blowhard below me (pause) sometime soon? I've accepted that he's the league leader and all that, but 10-2? C'mon. If someone doesn't defeat him soon, I'll have to find a way to knock him down a peg in real live. Maybe I'll kick in the shins. More.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

You know what they say: The mark of a good team is that you win even when you're having an off week.

No, wait, that's actual sports. No one says that about fantasy sports.

And I don't know what it is about Pilk's mom, but for whatever reason I can't put up big numbers against her. In the two seasons I've been in this league, I've now played her four times. I've scored more than 80 points against her once, despite being 3-1 in those games.

Does this happen to other people? Is there someone in your league who makes you swear, "I can never have a good week against that guy!"? I really want to know.

Well whatever. One more win and I'm guaranteed the best record in the regular season, making my impending 70-point defeat in the first round of the playoffs all the more tragic.

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MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege Kenny Bania Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to Den Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

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Week 12 Preview: Turkey Hangover

-Stay down before you throw a 5th interception.-

With three Turkey Day games already in the books, a good chunk of Week 12 is almost over... but almost don't feed the bulldog. As Cole kicks back and prays none of his players get injured for the playoffs, RWPilk is waist-deep in rally city. Can he come back and clash pretend helmets with Cole in the post season? Will Cole finish out the season strong with a healthy crew? Let's go bug them now for some non-answers. They got nothing else better to do. Trust us.

Cole

Current Standing: 9-2, 1st Overall

Thanksgiving games are weird, man.

I mean, I guess all the Thursday games are weird: they throw off your schedule, they shorten the amount of time you can hit the waiver wire, you have no chance to trash talk before the games, etc. But last year I spent Thanksgiving -- a time of family and friends and being grateful for what you have -- cursing at a 40-year-old, humble, all-American success story because he started off slow in a game few rational people cared about.

It could be because I'm deeply disturbed, or it could be because fantasy football makes madmen of us all. Regardless, I was relieved to find that this year, only my kicker was playing on Thanksgiving, so I was safe in lapsing into a tryptophan-induced* coma. I even got an unexpected bonus: opposing quarterback Eli Manning proved to be less than unstoppable, picking up five points on the evening.

This weekend has a couple of interesting fantasy matchups, beyond the Saints-Pats game we'll be covering. Chief among them might be the Falcons-Bucs game, as everyone who swiped Jason Snelling off the waiver wire hopes for a second productive week before Michael Turner returns to his rightful place as the feature back in Atlanta. Turner could probably play through his high ankle sprain if he had to this week. But a weak matchup against a hapless Tampa Bay defense means he'll probably get a little more rest for the stretch run.

Sounds logical, right? All right, Snelling, I'm sending Khan to the bench for you. It's go time.

___________
*-Wikipedia tells me that, actually, there's not that much tryptophan in turkey, and that it's all the carbohyrdates (stuffing, potatoes, beer, etc.) that makes you sleepy. Thanks, professor!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

After it was all said and done, and all the belts were loosened, I had a pretty productive Thanksgiving. Four of my players played Turkey Day, and the Packers D, WR Miles Austin, and WR Brandon Marshall put up some really good numbers. My new TE Kevin Boss, after exploding last week, finally came down to earth with a tight end score that looks like everyone else's. Ah, well.

So, onward we march to Sunday, where I really want to see some big numbers from a few people who are due. Exhibit A: Colts WR Reggie Wayne. It's my own fault really, I called him a "sure thing" a few weeks back, and he hasn't found the end zone since. Forgive me, Reggie. And score.

Exhibit B are my RBs. I can just see my '09 wrap-up analysis now: where the hell were all my running backs? They've been constantly rotating slots with no big scores. Right now PHI LeSean McCoy and SD Darren Sproles are in there. No great shakes, but c'mon, one or two dives into the end zone is all I'm askin'!

And yeah, I want a good kicker score. ARI Neil Rackers is hurt... so now I got CHI Robbie Gould in there. Playing the Vikings this week. Let's hope they can get close enough for a few field goals.

That brings us to Drew Brees. Ah, Monday Night Football. Be sure to join Cole and I for yet another hysterical episode of SSFA! Live Blogging. It's sure to be an offensive showcase for both teams... but I'm really just hoping the Saints throw it down. WHODAT!?

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Now Eat Your Peas

-You can't spell "turducken" without-- uhhh... BOOM!-

From our indigestion to yours, everyone here at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! would like to wish all our readers a Happy Thanksgiving (Yes, all nine of you). You know, that historical day when the Redskins showed the Patriots how to grow corn or whatever, but, more importantly, how to toss the ol' pigskin around. What a joyous time it was! And then the Patriots turned into Cowboys, Steelers, and 49ers ran the Redskins and their Chiefs all out on their Colts and Broncos so that they couldn't even enjoy their Buffalo Bills anymore. What a shame... what a shame.

For your viewing pleasure, don't forget to mix in a little pigskin of your own with your mash potatoes and quality-time inspired drinking:

Packers vs Lions at 12:30pm
on FOX

Raiders vs Cowboys at 4:15pm
on CBS

Giants vs Broncos at 8:20pm
on NFLN

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Gimme Five

-Up high! Down low! Too SLOW! ...That'll be five yards.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Nothing screams rompin' good fun like an official statement to the press dispelling the occurrence of a high five.

This week, the media was abuzz with an apparent high five that occured between QB Vince Young and ref Jerome Boger at the end of Titans/Texans MNF. I love stuff like this. Honestly, it looks like a coincidence, but it comes at just the right time where there's little buzzes floating around about refs favoring certain players and all that kinda nonsense/reality. Yee Haw! Eat it up, sports media outlets! I'm gonna run and grab Chris Berman a bib.

Of course, NFL suits are falling over themselves trying to deny it. Happenstance, they say. Serendipitous, yet unintentional, palm slapping. Perfectly understandable. The NFL then added, "Tweet about this, and we'll kill you."

Below is really, REALLY bad footage of it happening. Is it true? A hoax?! YOU decide!



Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This footage looks familiar... I could swear I've seen this camera work before...



Well, and there you have. That proves it. Pure, unadulterated FACT.

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Week 11 Recap: Long Shot City, Population: Moses

- Welcome to the party, pa -- oh, whoops, wrong McClane. -

Week 11 leads to a divergence of sorts for our authors! While Cole prepares to fortify his roster for the playoffs, RWPilk scrambles to rally his way back into contention.

Ah hell, did I give it away? Man, I suck at this. Fine, read the wrapup. And oh yeah, the Pats-Saints game will be live-blogged (liveblogged? liveblog'd?) next Monday night right here at SSFA!. And probably other places as well. But ours is way better.

Cole

Current Standing: 9-2, 1st Overall

One of these weeks I've got to get around to writing the recap titles. Be that as it may, I still get a chance to revel in the fact that I now own a four-game lead with three weeks to go, giving me the Apartment Division title and a berth in the playoffs. I'm lord of the manor, master of my domain, king of the county, etc.

It was a hard-fought battle with Jim to clinch, though; I had a one-point lead going into the Monday night game as Chris Johnson (on my squad) battled Andre Johnson (on Jim's). Years of pent-up sports-based superstition came out in full force, and I stopped moving somewhere after halftime to prevent some sort of negative feng shui from conspiring against Chris Johnson's yardage total (and don't think I've forgotten your transgression, LenDale White). By the end of the fourth quarter, I was rooting for Kris Brown's field goal attempt to sail wide (which it did), just so I could collapse in a peaceful, victorious exhaustion.

Now that's a high-quality game.

Things could have been a lot easier for me, I admit: I guessed wrong with my receivers for the 27th time, sitting Jerricho Cotchery (80+ yds, 1 TD) for Steve Breaston (no receptions). And Jason Snelling's moment in the sun (20 fantasy points) was wasted on my bench behind Khan (7 points). But these things happen.

Besides, I still want to talk about the touchdown vultures. Aside from White's two carries for two yards and six points, there's also the case of LeRon McClain in Baltimore, the Island-of-Misfit-Toys version. Sunday against Indianapolis, when the Ravens had first and goal at the one, the Ravens ran the ball three times: twice to McClain, and once to Joe Flacco, all for naught. Baltimore, of course, lost by two. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that, in a goal-line situation, you should give your ball to your star running back three times and not some dude you're pulling out of the first row. No, wait a minute, yes I am going to say that. John Harbaugh gets my Lovie Smith Memorial "Why Do You Hate Me?" Award of the week for meritorious achievements in the field of playcalling designed to screw me over.

But I won't complain too much. Now I can just sit back and watch the rest of the season. Saints-Pats? All right.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Sigh. You see this? This is me hitting the giant, category-5, blinking red button marked "start panicking".

I lost this week. Rather than go through and blame the people responsible (WR Miles Austin, RB Ahmed Bradshaw, God, K Neil Rackers), let's just go to straight to what needs to be done if I'm to have ANY shot of the playoffs. And, no, it ain't pretty.

1. I need win ALL my remaining three games. Oh, yes. Victories. Cut and dry. Even more important, is that, in our league, the last three games are all against our own divisions. That means my victories in these games can shoot me up the division standings. Hello, playoffs! Goodbye... bitterly weeping myself to sleep.

2. I need to score A LOT of points. I've only had a few triple digit games, and now I need a lot more. See, getting first in my division is highly unlikely, but getting out Wild Card spot is a little more manageable if I'm in second. I just need the highest point total of the other 2nd placers. So rack'em up.

And there it is. Is is possible? Yes. Likely? No. But we're gonna try. We're gonna try like Hell. Onward, Sweet Fancy Moses. Onward.

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Week 11 Preview: Into the Home Stretch

-Welcome to the Sweet Fancy Moses, Mr. Boss.-

The regular guy who writes these intros got injured, so I'm filling in this week! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is proud to present the Week 11 preview. Go vote in the Candy Lineup poll! Get prepared to drink heavily and laugh it up, fuzzball, as Cole and RWPilk flounder and curse their general ineptitude in the ugly arena of fantasy football.

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It's getting to that time of year. The trading deadline has passed without incident, and Matt "Khan" Forte is still on my team. I have faith in him though. He's a disappointment, yes, and I'll probably curse Lovie Smith out for the remainder of the sesaon. But he's already one up on Ronnie Brown, and you gotta figure the Bears will be running a lot more after the debacle that was Jay Cutler against San Francisco last week.

But I don't really have faith in the Saints' defense/special teams unit. Sure, their schedule is comically easy, but this is a team that gave up over 400 yards and 23 points to the St. Louis Rams. And yeah, they've gotten eight defensive touchdowns, but that's where most of their value lies, and let's face it: defensive touchdowns are by and large luck-based. You don't want to count on constantly being that lucky. Especially when the team in question has the luck of a New Orleans-based institution.

This week The Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine has a tough matchup against The Happy Pappys, the team with the second-most points in the league. The thing to do in this situation is to look for weak matchups. You know, like Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson going up against Seattle. And the Pittsburgh DST facing Kansas City.

Huh. This could be trouble.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Ah, I love browsing my team at the end of the week and finding out someone hasn't been practicing... and that I have no back up on the bench. Nothing to wake you up for the weekend like stumbling into the waiver wire drenched with sweat and fear. Enter: Jets TE Kevin Boss, the newest member of the Sweet Fancy Moses. Until there's some word on Todd Heap-- wait, you know what? Screw it. Heap can barely score over 5 points. Boss, you're in! Suit up and report back here in 5 for some Tony Danza jokes.

And, praise the lord, BYE weeks are over and done with. I wasn't hit hard any particular week, but just rather suffered a lot of close margin defeats with my reserve guy scoring "what do I do with the ball, again?" numbers. So, this is the first week I'm marching on to the field with the team I drafted, more or less, season ending injuries and gay-bashing suspensions not withstanding. Will it make a difference? I'm hoping so in these critical last weeks.

A little irony for you: If I beat my opponent this week, I help Cole secure his playoff spot. I wish I had the record to throw the game. Oh, I'd do it. I'm in a competition on a public forum here! What else am I supposed to do? Hello? Is this thing on?

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Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on. Read more...

Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

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