Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.