A Cowboy Up Beat Down

-Score that play "666".-

Cole

You see that fight last night? When Youkilis charged the mound?

RWPilk
Indeed I did. Cleared the whole bench, I reckon. Another hissy fit.

Cole
It got me thinking... if you had to take one of the Sox, which one would you want to fight?

RWPilk
Hmmm... I don't know. Lowell? Didn't he just have hip surgery or something? Seems like the kind of guy you could knock over if you bopped him on the head with his own AARP subscription.

Cole
Not a bad option, except that he can probably bludgeon you with his eyebrows or something. And he's popular, everyone's gonna rush to his defense. What you need is someone everyone wants to hit anyway, like Manny last year. How about Saito? He's new, he's got the language barrier, he's a bullpen guy anyway. Either that or Smoltz, who's even newer and over 40 -- Lowell's only 35; Smoltz could've been his babysitter or something.

RWPilk
I'm not hitting Manny. I love Manny. But, fine. If I swipe someone's walker from underneath them, it'll be Smoltz. Well, as long as he's not like working out a bunch. He's gotta lot of time on his hands now. Who you got?

Cole
Well, all right, agreed: Manny's cool. There was that whole shoving match incident last year with Youkilis. Everyone sided with Manny on that. So if I have to pick someone under 30, I'd go Youkilis. He looks like he deserves it, with all those strike out hissy fits.

RWPilk
Youkilis!? Jesus. I don't want to rumble with him. He looks like something that they had to slay in the Lord of the Rings. And you seem him throw that helmet last night? Catapult-like accuracy!

Cole
Well he was the bad guy in Hellboy...but how about you? Pick on someone your own age, or at least closer.

RWPilk
Hmmm. Alright. Rocco then. At least my mitochondria work. Advantage!

Cole
Two geezers and a cripple? Awesome.

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Why Ortiz Tested Positive

-You gotta see my doctor. He's the best, David, the best! Mwhahaha!-

Cole

Thoughts for the day, as I wonder whatever happened to the Devil Rays I used to know and love:

• Our crack research team here at SSFA! found a video on David Ortiz's Facebook page that explains the slugger's positive drug test. Video after the jump:

Huh. So that's that.


• Speaking of Ortiz, those of you who have been subjected to his impenetrable accent must be thrilled about the new public service announcement he stars in with Boston Mayor Tom Menino, or as he's known colloquially, "Mumbles". I can't quite make out exactly what the ad is for, but I can only assume it's the Charlie Brown Teachers' Union. I'm actually a little disappointed in the Internet, because I can't find this video anywhere. Fine. How about a cat running on the field? Will that suffice?

• The Ortiz/Ramirez debacle has led to all manner of ridiculous sentiments, but none worse than this one, from ESPN's Patrick Hruby:
  
  
  Joint steroid taint forces Major League Baseball to void 2004 postseason victories for New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, award World Series title to runner-up St. Louis Cardinals. Oh, wait. That will never happen. Bobby Bowden picked the wrong sport.
  
  Well, congratulations St. Louis. I'm happy for you and certainly glad none of your recent teams have any sort of steroid tai -- whoops. Look, I expect plenty of "Boston Roid Sox" jokes now on, and I won't argue with them, but don't try and tell me the World Series victories deserve some sort of asterisk, because here is a complete list of every team that was totally clean during the steroid period:
  
  .
  
  Does that make it right? Of course not. But let's just accept that it happened and prevent it from happening in the future. And don't get me started on that Bobby Bowden quip; I'll talk about the NCAA some other time.
  
  
• Three runs over six innings? That's Brad Penny-level quality. Guess you just have to tip your hat and call the Trenton Thunder your daddy. (Actually, can we talk about how he struck out 11 on 82 pitches? I don't care what level he's throwing at, that's tough to do. Pretty sure he's healthy.)
  
  
• And lastly, may I be the first to congratulate the Yankees on collecting their first win against the Red Sox in 2009. As much fun as it was pretending this could last all season, you knew it was just a matter of time, especially once Francona put John "White Flag" Smoltz on the hill.
  

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