There's only one George Lopez

- "Who wants ice cream after the game??" -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-2, 3rd Overall

Before we embark on the crapfest that's going to be my World Series prediction, I'm going to toot my own horn here (pause) and point out that I really did a good job in the AL playoff post. Only one game off for all three series! Just goes to show, every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

But now I have to talk about the National League, and I have no desire to and no knowledge. I know, it's never stopped me before. But maybe I'm just bitter that the Yankees outbid the Red Sox in the eBay auction that is the offseason, winding up with the coveted item that is the American League pennant, bolstered by the free shipping that is the AL's All-Star Game-based home field advantage, not to mention the positive feedback of multiple individual awards.

(I can see the headline now: LOCAL ANALOGY TORTURED, MUTILATED BEFORE DEATH.)

All right, fine. In the interest of completeness, here's what I expect over the next seven games (if necessary).

• Someone will make a huge deal out of the fact the Phillies took two of three from the Yankees in May. Someone will be very, very wrong.
  
• Tim McCarver will make an ass of himself, and sabermetric-minded baseball fans will shed a single tear as they realize Fire Joe Morgan is down.
  
• Yankee fans will endlessly chant, "Who's Your Daddy?", when Pedro Martinez takes the mound for Game 2. No one will think to dress as Don Zimmer.
  
• Alex Rodriguez will be beloved by Yankee fans throughout the series for his play thus far in the playoffs, but will be back to the familiar scapegoat role if they lose, and probably hated again by March anyway. Nothing he does on the field will affect this.
  
• The Phillies will get screwed over by the whole "not-having-a-real-DH" thing at least once. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding changes in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• At least one game will be decided by a blown call. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding more instant replay in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• Said call will favor the Yankees. It just will. Accept it. The sun will rise in the east, the tide will ebb and flow, Palestinians and Israelis will hate each other, TBS will endlessly rerun the same terrible commercials for their crappy shows, Joe Buck will engender hatred, and the Yankees will get the breaks in the postseason. It's how the world works.
  
• An exorbitant number of home runs will be hit in Yankee Stadium. (Luis Castillo will be in position to catch one, and drop it.) At least one game will feature more than 20 runs.
  
• The Yankees will win 4-1, much to the disappointment of everyone outside the Tri-State area, especially those who wanted a competitive series. Meanwhile, some fourth-grader in Ossining will hand in an essay entitled, "Now I Can Die in Peace".

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The Hunt for Red Soxtober

-Celebrating the right to get swept by the Yankees-

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

No self-professed sports blog would be complete without discussing the MLB playoffs, at the very least to discuss how boring baseball is. But, as you've probably guessed by now, I'm a big baseball fan. So as the Sox take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Who Previously Used the Geographic Moniker "California", I'll be wearing my lucky stirrups and hoping the hometown laundry team doesn't disappoint.

Because I am a pessimist by nature ("not cuz I hate ya"), I'm sick of all these uplifting previews talking about what a treat Nick F***ing Punto is to watch (even if it is sarcastic). Instead, I'm going to run through the AL playoff participants and talk about the biggest question marks they face over the next few weeks, in inverse order of record.

Minnesota (AL Central, 87-76): Fatigue - While everyone else in the AL hasn't had to play a meaningful game since Labor Day, the Twins had to scrap and claw their way back just to force the one-game playoff with the Tigers. On Sept. 6, Minnesota was seven games off the AL Central lead. Adding insult to injury, Detroit took 12 innings to concede the division in the tiebreaker Tuesday night, as eight pitchers took the Metrodome mound for the home team. Now the Twins have to face a rested Yankees team that won all seven of the teams' contests by a combined score of 41-25.

Boston (AL Wild Card, 95-67): Inconsistency - Somewhere, the ghosts of Fire Joe Morgan cringed. Perhaps "inconsistency" really isn't the right word, as the Red Sox consistently beat up on crappy teams (i.e. a 16-2 record against Baltimore), and consistently disappointed against quality opponents (i.e. losing season series to the Rangers, Angels, and Mariners, and splitting with the Rays and Yankees). The high hopes the team carried into the season -- seemingly justified with their 47-30 record after three months -- were dashed with a disappointing July against a soft schedule and a slow fade into second place. It's hard for a 95-win team making its sixth playoff appearance in the past seven years to be labeled "disappointing," but people outside New England predicted 100 wins for the Sox with a straight face. Boston's high-priced stars will need to show signs of life like they did in the spring, or winter will arrive a lot sooner than expected for Fenway.

Los Angeles (AL West, 97-65): Pitching - Don't talk about the fact that the Red Sox have won 12 of their last 13 against the Angels, dating back to Dave Henderson's homer in 1986. Boston is playing this year's squad, not those other ones, and this year's model has the offensive firepower to keep up. Mike Scioscia's clubs have always been among the league leaders in stolen bases, and this year the team is near the top in OPS as well, right up there with Boston and New York. Where the team hovers around league average, however, is pitching. Choose any stat you want -- ERA, strikeouts, WHIP, whatever -- and LA is right smack dab in the middle of the pack. Can Weaver, Saunders, and Lackey shut down the Boston bats? Is the back of the pen solid? If these questions can't be answered, the Angels better pack their lumber if they want to advance.

New York (AL East, 103-59): Expectations - This one was tough, as (hard as it is to admit) the Yankees are far and away the class of the American League. Tops in hitting, tops in pitching, even defensively by some measures, the Yankees will be tough to beat. Unless...

Well, CC Sabathia has imploded in the last few playoff series. And A-Rod is famously batting .143 in his last 16 playoff games. And Mark Teixiera struggled under the bright lights when he first arrived in New York. And even Captain Calm Eyes McGee has appeared unnervingly human in the last few postseasons. The Steinbrenners need their superstars to play like superstars when it matters most, but that's probably their biggest obstacle between here and the World Series.

Predictions:
LAA over BOS, 3-1
NYY over MIN, 3-0
NYY over LAA, 4-2

Part 2, on the National League, will be posted as soon as I learn some shit about the NL probably tomorrow.

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Live Blog: Red Sox vs Yankees

- Fond memories of happier times. -

Sweet, Sweet Live Blogging Action!

Boston Red Sox vs New York Yankees

August 22nd, 2009 4:10pm EST

Airing on FOX

Welcome one and all! Crack a cold one and grab a seat in front of your collective TV and computer screens: you're at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action!'s first live blogging! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Gooooooood afternoon, everyone. I'm Cole, along here with RWPilk, and I'm frigging miserable. It's hot, the Red Sox are terrible, the Yankees are not, and I just volunteered to listen to Tim McCarver for several hours straight. Can you put me out of my misery, Rob? Please?

RWPilk
I don't know. Would booze help? How drunk do you think you can get in ten minutes? But wait, before you get blasted, let's get some predictions going since you're the only one here that really knows what he's talking about.

Cole
You want a prediction? Here's all the prediction you need. This ain't gonna be pretty.

RWPilk
Oh, lovely. Not even in the first inning we and got some irreverent link action going on. Oh, here are the batting order. And the first inning starts... Now! What's with Tazawa? Is he new? What's the deal?

Cole
Hey, you heard McCarver. He's from the Industrial League in Japan. And he's a pinhead pinpoint pitcher! As evidenced by the fact that he specifically did not hit Teixiera there. A terrible call, but it works like an IBB. Here's a drinking game for the viewers at home: drink every time A-Rod's homer against Tazawa is referenced.

RWPilk
Ah, and we got our first gem from McCarver. "Pitchers have long memories, like hitters." And unlike all the other baseball players that neither hit or pitch. Thanks, Tim.

Cole
More brain surgery there from McCarver: "Victor Martinez [you know, the catcher] is not a fast runner." And immediately after, "Cano was the cutoff between himself and first base, instead of between himself and second base." Say what?

Meanwhile, more drinking game criteria: drink every time Youkilis has some emotional outburst after sucking.

RWPilk
Jesus, how did Ortiz and Martinez make it around the bases without a homerun? Tito must have tied sticks to their helmets with like cheeseburgers dangling at the end of them. 3-0 though, I can dig it.

Cole
For those of you who tuned in expecting to see a defensive struggle with expert baserunning, well, I'm sorry, you were gravely deceived. I, for one, am terribly uncomfortable with this lead, though. The Sox need something like another five runs or so.

RWPilk
Wow, that's the first helmet-to-face injury I've seen. Pedroia! Protect that mug of yours. It's your twinkle! Besides, Dunkin Donuts needs you to be strapping. Strapping and drinking iced coffee.

Cole
Aaaand Tazawa works his way out of another awkward situation. Two innings successfully! (I thought your last post said, "it's your twinkie", by the way. We might have to get you a new font.)

RWPilk
What the hell was McCarver just talking about? What he had for dinner last night? Jesus Christ. Did you get the early bird special, Tim? Oooh, and a homerun from Alex Gonzalez. Who the hell is that?

Cole
These are the type of questions the world may never know the answers to. I love that Joe Morgan (the ex-Red Sox manager) is in the broadcast booth and not talking. And now, as Burnett walks two straight, I'ma get in on some sweet, sweet Harpoon IPA action!

Cole
Oh Kevin Youkilis, here's hoping that homer turns your frown upside down. But I still want more runs: As good as the Red Sox are playing in the first half of this game, that's how as bad I expect them to play now.

RWPilk
Does it make me a bad New Englander if I want to see the Yankees score a few to make this not a snore fest? 7-0, It's the 3rd inning and we have a football score. Anyway, at this rate, they have about 4 more hours to catch up.

Cole
I think it makes you a bad human being. I'm wicked pissed, ya traitah!

Meanwhile, for someone who got rocked by throwing A-Rod a curveball, Tazawa threw a lot of curveballs to A-Rod there. So pretty looking though.

Cole
Another couple scoreless innings, and maybe we'll be back on schedule. Man, every half inning Tazawa's on the mound is like a Law & Order episode: there's going to be all sorts of drama, even if he comes out okay in the end, and it's going to take almost an hour.

RWPilk
Tim McCarver, head squarely up Jeter's ass, is impressed with his willingness to play "everyday". Yeah let's give Jeter an MVP award for doing what most other baseball players, and most citizens of America do regularly. Not everyone works just Saturdays, jackass.

Cole
Jeter's not even the most valuable Yankee. He won't win, but remember how bad the Yankees were without Alex Rodriguez? And then started winning almost instantly after he returned? And how Mark "I'm-probably-going-to-actually-win" Teixiera instantly started hitting once A-Rod was protecting him in the lineup? A-Rod is the anti-Jeter: he's an otherworldly baseball talent, but the media can't find enough bad things to say about him.

RWPilk
They're now talking about Tom Brady and Brett Favre. As we haven't had enough of that lately. Somebody cut the mics! Ortiz homers and he gets that wonderful half-jog he likes to do around the bases. Burnett going "why why why why why?" Because, AJ, you suck. It's 8-0. Remember?

Cole
My favorite part of the Brady-F****-Vick discussion was cutting to the hot dog vendor. You know, because it's just as relevant as the football discussion. Meanwhile, Bay doubles and Swisher can't play the outfield, and now it's 9-0 after five. Am I comfortable? Eh.

RWPilk
You're not comfortable with a 9-0 lead? My God, Tazawa could start throwing a beach ball the next few innings and it would still take a while for the Yankees to catch up. What the hell I thought the Yankees were supposed to be good?

Cole
They're up 7.5 games, you know. They can play baseball. These things happen. And you have no evidence that Tazawa WON'T start throwing beach balls ... although I don't think that would help much because they wouldn't go as far, really.

Cole
Say what you will about his broadcast partner, but Jon Miller's "Two! A double play!" call is what I always think about when I see a DP.

RWPilk
...I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I love that Remy graphic. "Was not happy with the result of the game." They lost! I can assume that! God, announcing MLB must be like baking a cake with one grain of sugar. Four minutes of action and info over the course of 3 hours. And congrats to the Yankees for pulling Burnett out after 9 unanswered runs. What's that like, Bryan? Closing the barn doors after the storm?

Cole
And that's ignoring the whole terrible poetry McCarver hit us with in his description of Fenway Park. And gadzooks, Rob, but you sure hit that nail on the head. Darn tootin'.

Youk again! No matter how many Freudian slips McCarver makes, I don't think you're useless.

RWPilk
Did you see Ortiz just do his best Curly impression? How many people can you injure with one swing of the bat? If only the ump had been been hit in the foot with Posada's mask. Why, I oughta...

Cole
Welp, there goes the shutout; Nick Swisher homers to left now to cut the lead to 12-1. I like Bard, but he could use a little more break on his pitches, or a little more seasoning in the minors. Something.

RWPilk
By the way, is anyone listening to McCarver? How can someone make a living like this, using non-descript words to announce an event on national television, and used to describe player's talent, no less. At least I hope he's using it to describe their talent. Here's my summary of McCarver's announcing today:

Cole
I mean, I'm not really paying attention. Most recently, I've been reading the hate mail some NFL player "sent" to John Madden because he was the lowest-rated player in the game (fake but still funny). I will say, though, that it's still entertaining watching Jose Molina spend three innings praying to anything and everything that no one hits the ball to him.

RWPilk
Oh, naive, naive blogmate. That ain't no real letter. Anyway, Papelbon is warming up. Lot of pressure on him tonight. The slightest 11 run inning will spell his doom! God, it's me, RWPilk. Again. Thank you for that ice cream I prayed for earlier, but please please please don't make me live blog another baseball game again. Amen. P.S. Better get those wheels moving on the blu-ray player.

Cole
You know what? As Casey Kotchman drives in run number 13 (12 of which came with two outs! Thanks Tim McCarver; that was actually interesting and useful!), I gotta say, that's the perfect note to end on. What we really need are subs to come in and continue live blogging for us.

And thus concludes the first live blogging at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! We leave the game at the top of the 9th, Sox up by 13 runs. Thank you for those who joined us and read along. Next time, I think we'll try football. Or paint drying. You know, something that moves faster.

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Site Announcement: Sweet, Sweet Live Blog Action!

-Game's that way, genius.-

Attention citizens! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is about spice up that lethargic, pastry-filled, tearfest you call a life! Mwauhahaha! Just kidding, but we are "liveblogging" this coming Saturday's Red Sox vs. Yankees game, called by none other than Joe Buck and Tim "Is anyone else light-headed?" McCarver. It'll just be like having Cole and RWPilk in your living room, watching the game with-- No, no wait! Come back! It won't be like that, promise! Sorry. Stop crying. But it might be good for a few laughs (probably due to the fact that we've never done it before). So tune in and get that "refresh" button ready, cause we're gonna melt your face off.

Sweet, Sweet Liveblog Action!

Saturday, August 22nd

Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees

4:10 pm EST

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In Which We Pretend to Care About the NFL Preseason

-Ha, they mispelled "Eepsw". Those jerks.-

Cole

The Boston Red Sox' season* came to a crashing halt Sunday night, as the Sox did their best to remind fans of the infamous Boston Massacre. If only there were some way to distract from this so I didn't have to write ab -- oh look! It's the NFL!

Yes, the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills clashed in the annual Hall of Fame Game this weekend, kicking off a month of meaningless exhibitions. If you missed it, don't worry: I started my preparations for the upcoming season by watching the whole first quarter before sending in a backup. There were a couple of highlights though, chief among them the AFL tribute uniforms.


This year is the 50th anniversary of the American Football League, so the league's original eight franchises will be donning awesome throwback jerseys throughout the year to celebrate. This means everyone's favorite public drunk Patriots' logo will be making an occasional reappearance. Paul Lukas over at Uni Watch blog did a better job detailing the throwbacks -- refs included -- than I could ever do, so go check that out.

Equally awesome was the play here, the first score of the new season. Football, I think, is unique in the use of trick plays. Oh sure, baseball has the hidden-ball trick and whatever, but if you pull that kind of stuff in baseball, you're known as a bush-league amateur. In football, you're known as a bold visionary (and then some). So NFL coaches (because I'm POSITIVE Bill Belichick reads this blog all the time), incorporate more trickeration on a weekly basis, especially on fourth down. Look at it this way: the games will be more interesting, the fans will talk about the team more, and the media will be slower to call for your head if the team doesn't perform well.

Assuming the trick plays work, that is.

---

* - Not to go all George Carlin on it, but is that right? "Red Sox' season"? Are we sure it's not "Red Sox's season"? "Red Socks' season"? "Passers by"?

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Why Ortiz Tested Positive

-You gotta see my doctor. He's the best, David, the best! Mwhahaha!-

Cole

Thoughts for the day, as I wonder whatever happened to the Devil Rays I used to know and love:

• Our crack research team here at SSFA! found a video on David Ortiz's Facebook page that explains the slugger's positive drug test. Video after the jump:

Huh. So that's that.


• Speaking of Ortiz, those of you who have been subjected to his impenetrable accent must be thrilled about the new public service announcement he stars in with Boston Mayor Tom Menino, or as he's known colloquially, "Mumbles". I can't quite make out exactly what the ad is for, but I can only assume it's the Charlie Brown Teachers' Union. I'm actually a little disappointed in the Internet, because I can't find this video anywhere. Fine. How about a cat running on the field? Will that suffice?

• The Ortiz/Ramirez debacle has led to all manner of ridiculous sentiments, but none worse than this one, from ESPN's Patrick Hruby:
  
  
  Joint steroid taint forces Major League Baseball to void 2004 postseason victories for New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, award World Series title to runner-up St. Louis Cardinals. Oh, wait. That will never happen. Bobby Bowden picked the wrong sport.
  
  Well, congratulations St. Louis. I'm happy for you and certainly glad none of your recent teams have any sort of steroid tai -- whoops. Look, I expect plenty of "Boston Roid Sox" jokes now on, and I won't argue with them, but don't try and tell me the World Series victories deserve some sort of asterisk, because here is a complete list of every team that was totally clean during the steroid period:
  
  .
  
  Does that make it right? Of course not. But let's just accept that it happened and prevent it from happening in the future. And don't get me started on that Bobby Bowden quip; I'll talk about the NCAA some other time.
  
  
• Three runs over six innings? That's Brad Penny-level quality. Guess you just have to tip your hat and call the Trenton Thunder your daddy. (Actually, can we talk about how he struck out 11 on 82 pitches? I don't care what level he's throwing at, that's tough to do. Pretty sure he's healthy.)
  
  
• And lastly, may I be the first to congratulate the Yankees on collecting their first win against the Red Sox in 2009. As much fun as it was pretending this could last all season, you knew it was just a matter of time, especially once Francona put John "White Flag" Smoltz on the hill.
  

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