Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.

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MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege Kenny Bania Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to Den Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

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This Monday: MNF Live Blog!

-Our prediction? Pain. And jambalaya.-

Yes, it's that time of year again! It's time for another installment of SSFA! Live Blogging! This week: Patriots and Saints Monday Night Football! Awesome. Join Cole and RWPilk as they blog it out whilst these two teams engage in what is sure to be one of the best MNF matchups of the year. Who knows what'll happen or who will join us! Maybe Santa! Would like that, kids? Would you like it if Santa live blogged with Cole and RWPilk? Leave out some PBR and cookies and we'll talk.

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
Monday, November 30th, 2009
ESPN at 8:30pm

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Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

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Week 6 Recap: the Skin of our Teeth

-Where the wild things are: Baltimore-

Week 6! Oh, glorious, glorious Week 6! How you leave us wondering how MNF will treat us. Both Cole and RWPilk are embroiled in close(ish) match-ups, victory hanging in the balance! Will Pilk's record start the hearty climb towards Cole's winning streak? Will Cole pull off a narrow escape to victory? Will Cole buy Pilk beer out of the warm kindness of his heart!? This, and much more below!

Cole

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

As I wait with bated breath on the performance of one Correll Buckhalter, I find myself praising the name of one Ray Rice, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by being the first running back to score a touchdown against the Vikings in forever. And no, Jim, you can't have him for Thomas Jones.

I also find myself cursing the name, Wrath of Khan-style, of Matt Forte, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by fumbling on second down from the one, recovering, and then fumbling on third down from the one and not recovering. No touchdown, minus two points for the lost fumble, things thrown, and Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth got to have a nice little conversation about how he never ever fumbles. Henceforth, he shall be known as Matt "Khan" Forte. It's that level of frustration. Donovan McNabb gets a pass (sorry) for this week because of his stella stellar performance last week.

Meanwhile, back at the wrench, what the hell is going on in the NFL? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. Aside from the Raiders game, crappy team after crappy team outshone expectations ... or at least covered the spread. We've figured out by now the Titans are indeed horrifying, but 45 points? In one half? And I enjoyed watching the Saints bludgeon the Giants, but I'm not going to talk about them for fear I might jinx them. This is after I tweeted, "Hey, Tulane's beating 23rd-ranked Houston!" and the Green Wave turned a three-point lead into a 28-point embarrassment. So for you, Ted, I say only that certain teams were really fun to watch this weekend. Not to mention any names, but whatever team it was, it certainly looked like a force to be reckoned with come playoff time.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Alright. Mr. Brees? I'm sorry I doubted you. Let's leave it at that.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I gotta 17 point lead going into tonight with Brandon Marshall still to play (against an opposing Denver kicker). I'm glad to report that some of my strategic moves worked out this week. STL WR Avery got hurt Sunday, but found the end zone before doing so, making the sting of Reggie Wayne's bye week that much milder. My waiver wire gamble, PHI WR Maclin, ended up being a bust (as was all of Philly's effort, c'mon McNabb, Oakland!?). My T.O. trade (my first ever!) for DAL WR Austin went through, so we'll see how that works out next week when I pair him with Wayne.

Barring any catastrophes, I'll end up 3-3. Not great. But getting there.

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Here We Geaux Again

- We can't hear you! La la la! -

Cole

Current Standing: 2-1, 6th Overall

Only three weeks into the young NFL season, and I (like many other Saints fans) can't take it any more. I can't watch football coverage, or read about football, or listen to podcasts, or anything.

The Saints are supposed to be good.

Everyone's saying it: national-level pundits, like Michael Lombardi and Bill Simmons and Don Banks, are all putting New Orleans in the upper echelon of the league. But I refuse to get excited because, like most Saints fans, I am painfully aware of our history.

You see, there are only five teams that haven't made a Super Bowl in franchise history. Two -- the Texans and Jaguars -- have only been in existence for a decade or so. The rest, of course, have been models of futility for generations: the Browns, the Lions, and your New Orleans Saints.

Needless to say, any decent news is blown way out of proportion. As Chris Rose put it, "You must remember this about this franchise: The most memorable play in team history was a field goal kicked by a guy with half a foot."

Of course, every silver lining has a cloud for these guys. Consensus top pick Reggie Bush miraculously falls to second in the 2006 draft … and slowly deteriorates into a disappointment. The Saints make the playoffs for the first time in six years … and get blown out by the Bears in the snow. Drew Brees nearly sets the single-season passing record … and the team finishes last in the NFC South at 8-8. Not to mention, of course, New Orleans getting an NFL team in the first place … and then finding out they were the Saints. Tough to get more depressing than that.

That's why I ask you, pundits: please, for the love of Gumbo, stop predicting good things for the Saints. There's no possible way it'll end well, not for a team with this history.

If you'd really like to see them succeed, write them off when Mark "Dreamboat" Sanchez picks them apart this Sunday. Talk about how overrated they are. Talk about their lack of a defense. Talk about the unbearable stench that envelops Bourbon Street. Talk about whatever else you want, other than the possibility they might be a great team in a wide-open NFC. That way, there are no expectations, and they can play the old "Nobody believed in us!" card on the off chance they actually do something good.

Or, at least, hype up the next Super Bowl there. New Orleanians still know how to party, even if they don't have experience planning a victory parade.

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Week 3 Recap: Oh, the Humanity!

-Oh, there he is! Down in front, four-eyes!-

Oh, Week 3. We hardly knew thee. You came into our lives, lured us to your Motel 6 room, whispered sweet nothings of victory into our ear, and we believed you. But when it was all over, we awoke in an ice filled bathtub minus a kidney and plus an insurmountable point deficit. Why, Week 3? Why!? Both Cole and RWPilk were squashed under the heel of fantasy destiny this week. Perhaps our young, mutilated protagonists have a clue as to why, but don't hold your breath. And don't forget to vote for your most disappointing player in our poll, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

Some weeks you eat the b'ar, as they say, and some weeks, the b'ar starts Matt Schaub who winds up with 28 points, giving Maurice Jones-Drew a run for your money for the "person who screwed you over the most this week" award.

Actually, there are several nominees for this prestigious award. Also in the running:

- CBS Sports. Hey, you know those little red crosses that usually mean "injured"? You should put one next to people when there's a good chance they won't play Sunday. Like Dwayne Bowe. Could've used some sort of hint he'd be inactive this week when I set my roster Sunday morning.

- Matt Forte. Most of this is my fault for assuming competence from someone associated with Tulane football, so rather than beat you unmercifully with a $5 footlong, I'll just pass on Joseph Addai's phone number. Maybe you guys can form a support group for "Bryan's disappointing first round picks" or something.

- On a related note, how about every pundit who told me, "This is the week Matt Forte breaks out!!!11one". I grant that he doubled his best week of the season, but 10 points is not what I expect from a top-three pick. If this happens again, your own genitalia will be force-fed to you through a tube.

You know it's a bad week when the Saints' DST is your top-scorer. Don't expect THAT to happen to often.

But these things happen, and there's nothing you can do but get rip-roaring drunk with your roommates, harvest their organs in a Motel 6 bathtub, and start making waiver-wire pickups and trades with a vengeance.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th Overall

I didn't catch a lot of football Sunday and thank God. A heart attack at the age of 24 is something I want to avoid. Allow me to illustrate with some simple numbers:

Larry Johnson RB: 1
Chris Cooley TE: 3
Drew Brees QB: 4

Holy balls, gentlemen. What is this, golf? The gold (foiled chocolate) medal goes T.O.; 0 pts. 0 rushing yards, 0 receiving. There's nothing like firing up the old computer one Sunday and seeing one of your star players performing as well as Stephen Hawking would. Was he even there? Cripes. And Brees, backbone of my score every week, folded like a... like... a giant, origami... man. I'm running out of puns here people, I'm upset!

By late Monday, I'll already have a losing record and all is not well with the world. I expect a lot of suspicious squinting at my roster this week, as some changes have to be made and some Week 4 match ups need to be considered. I know, I know, there's still a lot of football left, and I'm certainly not the only one hurting. But this isn't a support group, dammit. I wanna win.

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Week 1 Recap: And Off We Go!

-Step 1: Hold on to the ball. Step 2: Don't ruin everything.-

And what a week it was, folks. Cracked ribs! Throwback jerseys! Comically desperate, final-second laterals! The Lions! Oh, the memories. The SSFA! duel of fantasy sports theory is finally on as Cole and RWPilk make their first etchings into their records. Let's inflate their sense of purpose and go to them now for some thoughts on Week 1! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary. Go ahead, I'll wait.

::whistles::

Back yet? Did you happen to see my fantasy roster listed as an example? No? Because you didn't really look, I'm sure, but trust me, it's in there.

How disappointed can I be after week one? Oh, plenty. My powerhouse running back tandem of Matt Forte and Chris Johnson, known the fantasy world over as top-ten talent, posted a combined 10 points. Greg Olsen, a top-five TE in some publications, earned me as many points as Alex Smith, who came as close to seeing the field as I did. Kris Brown -- I mean, I don't know what the hell I was thinking there, but Houston getting just seven points? Come on. And the Dolphins' DST (admittedly a reach on the best of days) was bad enough that I'm seriously looking at acquiring the Saints' defense. I will now wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Oh, and I almost forgot about McNabb. Hey, terrific. Thanks for the 21 points and the memories; at least you're already light years ahead of the QB I drafted last year: Matt Hasselback. Friggin' awesome.

Just once I'd like to have a good draft chased by some solid weeks and not have to go scrambling to the waiver wire every damn Tuesday morning. You know the scenes in Edward Scissorhands where Johnny Depp's cutting things? Just a whirlwind of activity and a blur of leaves/hair/fur/ice? That's what my fantasy roster's going to look like over the coming weeks.

I love this game.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Ahhh. Let's start off with some prerequisite smack talking: Even though he was able to squeak by with a win, Mr. "No one knows how to draft but me" Cole landed the third lowest score in the league in Week 1. Hear that squeaking noise? That's one point for my fantasy sports theory going up on the dry erase board. Count it. But don't feel bad, once Cole gets a win he'll shoot it right back at me. How long does it take for cracked ribs to heal?

What is there to say about my team's performance? You sports people were right about Drew Brees: he scored just less than 50 pts this week. Still, all the saintly pictures of him floating around are a little much aren't they? C'mon. He played the Lions. Unless the rest of the Saints' schedule is filled with Girl Scout Troops and collections of small mice, I think we can calm down a little. Still, I'm excited about him.

I was hoping for a better performance from the Green Bay defense, given all the hype, but they put up decent numbers nonetheless. Westbrook was great, but as predicted by CBS analytics, RB Larry Johnson was shut down and T.O. gained a measly 4 pts despite his endorsement from VH1. Still it's hard to get mad at T.O. when it was Leodis McKelvin who fumbled for Buffalo and let the Pats win. C'mon! You let them off the hook! They were who you thought they were! Despite those cream colored helmets.

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Week 1: Coming Attractions!

-No! You'll suck more!-

Finally. The 2009 NFL season is here. And no two guys are probably more excited than Cole and RWPilk. They watched the Titans and Steelers duke it out with bated breath (and a Jay Leno ad overdose) Thursday, a now, in turn, cast their astigmatism stricken/ blurry eyes to Week 1! Who do they like?! What do they hate?! What could they take or leave?! Let's go to them now... And don't forget about our DRAFT POLL, ready immediately to your right!

Cole

Fantasy-wise, I'm ready for this season (and the requisite trash-talking) to start in earnest, but for this week at least I'm in a strange position. In one league, I have Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones, and in the other, I'm going up against ... Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones. C'est la vie, I guess.

Good game last night though: no one is happier than Hines Ward that the Pittsburgh Steelers recovered from that fumble and defeated the Tennessee Titans. He should also be happy that the NFL has those crappy overtime rules. Call it silly, but I like the "Texas-style" college overtime system: each offense gets the ball on the opponents' 25 yard line (say the 50 in the NFL, so you can't just kick field goals every time), and repeat until there's a difference in scores. I love this idea, partly because it's mine but mostly because, hey, who doesn't like offense?

Meanwhile, I'd love to see the Falcons-Dolphins game this week. These are two teams that comically exceeded expectations last year thanks in part to a soft schedule; with a tougher schedule and a year to prepare, which team will regress? (Personally, I'd guess the Dolphins: I have more faith in Matty Ice than the continued success of Chad Pennington and the Wildcat wrinkle.) But, since the landlord says no DirecTV, I don't have the NFL Sunday Ticket package, and I'm stuck with Jets/Texans, Redskins/Giants, and ... Vikings/Browns?! Oh for -- man, those are all gonna suck. You know what I'm looking forward to? The game breaks. Well, at least Chicago-Green Bay will be fun to watch: I'm very curious to see Jay Cutler's Bears debut.

RWPilk

Well, hello there National Football League. How are you? I've seen you around. You're like that guy you always see at parties or get-togethers, but never really talked to. But now I have to. Now I have to awkwardly walk up to you, give you that odd nod of acknowledgment and somehow start a conversation with you. Maybe we're enjoying the same kind of beer. Maybe I overheard you make an Always Sunny reference. Or you've double parked my car and I really wanna get the hell out of here. Whatever the case, let's do this.

Part of me wants to say I want to watch the Saints face the Lions, mostly because I want to see Brees dominate. But, I would be lying. I have to admit, I'm really interested to see how my old favorites are going to do: the Pats. I'm just too curious to see how Brady will shape up, coming off a year of no playing, and how the defense will fare given some recent overhauling. There's a lot of pressure on them. At least for this first game, I won't root for their opposition (this Monday: the Bills, go T.O.!), but I won't be surprised to see them at least stagger a little.

Nah, who am I kidding? Please win, Buffalo.

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2009 NFL Preview: Saved by the Saints

-"You can stop the flexing, soldier. I've heard good things."-

Cole

Ah, training camp. When a young man's love turns to fantasy, and fans of every team -- okay, fine, not every team -- entertain visions of Lombardi Trophies and victory parades.

As a fan of the Saints, I'm irrationally optimistic, even though the New Orleans defense hasn't done nearly enough to improve on its woeful performance last year. But even if the Saints disappoint yet again, and Sean Payton does even more to shed the "genius" label he picked up in 2006, it's hard not to like the Saints for fantasy purposes. Here's why:

We have a real kicker now. No more of the special teams debacle that cost the Saints multiple games last year. Since taking over the kicking duties in Week 9, rookie Garrett Hartley went a perfect 13-for-13 on FGs and 28-for-28 on XPs, good for third among kickers over that span. The high-powered offense will give him plenty of opportunities, and his 10 games in domes will make his job easier than, say, Lawrence Tynes in the Meadowlands.

That one guy Drew Brees. Can Peyton Manning adjust to the new coach and offensive coordinator in Indy? Will Tom Brady go deeper into the season than the eight minutes he survived last year? Can Kurt Warner throw another 600 passes without his arm falling off? Those are all good questions that I'm sure everyone will talk about ad nauseum leading up to Labor Day, but the real question is, how stupid will you look if you pick another quarterback with Brees still on the board? As always, there's no such thing as a 100 percent sure thing, but this guy's pretty close.

Marques Colston will regress. It's not just for baseball rookies suffering from the infamous "sophomore jinx". I admit: I was one of the poor saps that picked Colston early, only to watch him go on the DL in Week 1, and then underperform for weeks on his return. But his second half was in line with his previous two years, and he posted his best-ever YPC (16.2), so there's plenty of reason to believe he'll return to his previous spot as Drew Brees' favorite target.

A sweet schedule. The bad news: New Orleans' 8-8 record was last in the NFC South last season. The good news: this year's team gets a last-place schedule as a result. That means games against the Rams and Lions. Add that to four games against the rebuilding Bucs and the offense-minded Falcons. Even their games against the AFC East are a good opportunity, playing at Buffalo in September, the weak secondary of the Jets, and the New England Retirees Patriots. Plus, they're not scheduled to play at Chicago in December for the fourth straight year. That'll be a nice change.

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