Liberal Guys to NFL: Pass on Rush

-That a... throwback tie, Rush?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th overall

There's always one weird sports headline every week that makes me double take and shoot PBR out of my nose. This week it's this one over at ESPN. I usually have to dive out the nearest exit when some pundit gets in front of a camera and starts yankin' themselves over one thing or another, but this story is going for a trifecta! Limbaugh! Sharpton! Jackson! Let's read on!

Apparently, red-state blow-hard Rush Limbaugh is some kinda football aficionado and wants to buy the Rams. Well, not that great of an aficionado; the Rams are 0-5. But whatever, he made a bid. Enter liberal idiots Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson. They want to meet with the NFL commissioner about blocking Limbaugh's bid, calling him racist (surprise!) and "anti-NFL". When reached for comment, Spike Lee is quoted saying "Cracker-ass cracker."

Rush calls the whole attempt at cock-blocking his sensual tango with the Rams "Sad"... but clearly forgets that there is a well documented history of his racism and... anti-NFLness. Documented on his own site even. ESPN points out that his website archives a 2007 show that calls the NFL a fight between the blood vs crypts and ends with "There, I said it." Bravo, Rush. Perhaps Rush also forgets that he "resigned" from a ESPN pregame spot in 2003 for making the case that Donovan McNabb's popularity was a result of NFL affirmative action.

Does anyone really care who owns what team? And what exactly is Rush gonna try and do anyway, turn the Rams into this? That ain't no way to improve 0-5, Rush.

Sweet, Sweet Updated Action: So, it seems that PFT is reporting that today NFL Commish Roger Goodell commented that "decisive comments" are not welcome in the National Football League when asked about Limbaugh's bid for Ram's ownership. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PR talk for "No freaking way!"

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Bond Villain Buys Nets

-The name's Blog. James Blog.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th overall

Oh, faithful SSFA! readers, brace yourselves for world domination.

The big NBA news this week is that Russia's richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov (yeah, I need a Ricola after saying that name) has taken a break from strapping James Bond to a circular saw to buy the greatest force the modern age has ever known: The New Jersey Nets.

You hear that? That's the sound of M and Bond shaking in their boots, just before Bond gets a tetanus shot so he can travel to New Jersey. The Nets? Seriously? Why would the most evil man in the world buy a team that landed 28 games behind the league leader Celtics last year (thanks to Cole for the stat)? Oh, we're not in the Cold War anymore? Well. Still.

After reading ESPN's article, I can't help but fantasize about this guy's evil world-conquering plans. Right in the text it says he was held for 4 days in France for a prostitution investigation and is seen in all the "glitzy" hot spots in Europe. How is this not out of an Ian Fleming novel? How does this guy not have a satellite laser pointed at Fort Knox or something?

My literary geekdom aside, there are mixed feelings over Russia's newest acquisition in the NBA community. On one hand, he's helping build a new stadium in Brooklyn. On the other, he's an overseas playboy who admitted on his blog he wants to buy the Nets to gain access to American basketball training to steal for Russian leagues. Sounds like a trustworthy guy. If I was Nets fan, my confidence would be shaken. Not stirred.

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Time To Start Tailgating

- Autumn: when a young man's fancy tu -- hey! What did I tell you?! -

Cole

Yes, it's that time of year again. Look over on ESPN and all you see are page after page of preseason prog -- hey! And if you can tear yourself away from those, there's always trouble brewing in the form of contract nego -- stop it! Anyway, if that's not enough for you, there's always the SportsNation polls, which -- Rubio?! oh come on!

Whatever. It's football season, dammit, and everyone knows it. (Even the Worldwide Leader, cherry-picking notwithstanding). High school games have already started in some parts of the country, and the college variety kicks off tomorrow with nine Division I-A games on the slate. The highlight of the night may well be the Oregon-Boise State game that features two top-25 teams, but I'll be over on ESPNU watching the North Texas-Ball State battle, a game I'm forced to refer to as the "North Texas/Balls Bowl", as a weak homage to our sometime-commenter.

For those of you who can't stand the farce of allegedly amateur college athletics, there's the usual NFL headaches piling up. The latest involves Broncos wideout Brandon Marshall, suspended indefinitely for stealing head coach Josh McDaniels' Pez dispenser or something, and a potential trade to the Jets. Only the Broncos don't want to trade him, because they know they'll get pennies on the dollar for him and would rather have a top flight receiver. And plus, McDaniels used to work for the Patriots, who have this longstanding antipathy towards the New York Jets, and then Maria slept with everybody, and Matt Cassel's evil twin is...

Wait. I got a bit confused because I'm working from home this week, and the soap operas are only confusing things for me. Regardless, it's a good thing no one's saving this drama for their mamas, because that means one more potential matchup the Tony Kornheisers of the world don't have to work to discuss. Broncos-Jets? Brandon-Marshall-Gate! Jets-Vikings? That-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Refuse-To-Mention-Gate! Eagles-Browns? Hey-It's-Puppy-Killer-Mike-Vick-Against-A-Team-Whose-Name-Is-Tangentially-Related-To-Dogs-Maybe-Gate! Broncos-Vikings? The-Extremely-Unhappy-Quarterback-Wide-Receiver-Tandem-Gate! Exciting.*

Now, though, it's time for me to start getting ready for Seinfeld League Draft 2: Draft Harder. Otherwise, how am I supposed to compete with these people?

______
*-Well, except for the fact that none of these matchups are scheduled for the regular season. But you get the idea.

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Nice Shootin', Tex

- Burress heads to court with his lawyer, O. Lumpa, Esq. -

RWPilk

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm not one for sports, but boy, do I love interviews with athletes. Usually, you just get a sequence of cliches tumbling out of their mouths like a string of 40 magician's scarfs all knotted together. "Well, we just played the game as hard as we could, we were met by a good team today, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce your way, but we take it one game at a time, we're just looking ahead at the next series, and it is what it is." Yeah, thanks Mr. Churchill. The poet laureate is on line one.

Having a laugh at Plaxico Burress ("Plaxi-Co."? Didn't they make the first Legos?) isn't exactly a long row to hoe: Last November, he shot himself without ever removing his Glock pistol from his pants. But if that wasn't enough, Burress challenges us to shoot even more beverage out of our noses when he opens up to ESPN today about the incident.

On alerting teammate Antonio Pierce to the gun going off: "And he was like 'Why?' and I said I just think I shot myself, and he was like 'Noooo!"

On his decision to secure a firearm in an elastic, fruit-of-the-loom waistband: "Bad judgement."

On NOT realizing he had actually shot himself: "I take two or three steps and, like, my pants are wet. I had some Chuck Taylor's and I looked down and the top of my shoe is red."

Yeah, yeah, real badass, Plaxico. I don't know what is lamer, the fact that you're still trying to look like a big tough guy in this situation, or that you kind of sound like Alicia Silverstone from Clueless. Like, totally.

When explaining the "mechanics" of pulling the trigger through a pair of pants, Burress exclaims "What are the odds on that happening?" Well, Plaxico, you know the odds of needing to discharge a semiautomatic weapon with 13 rounds of ammunition in a crowded Manhattan night club? Higher than that. A little higher.

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