Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part II)

- Imagine how we feel. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, totally not bitter

On to round two of those real-life head coaches that gave ulcers to fake head coaches worldwide. Part One, for those who missed it, showed up yesterday.

4. Jim Caldwell (Indianapolis Colts)
There's only one real offense here (I'm not counting ruining the Donald Brown sleeper pick), and that's sitting the starters during everybody's finals. It's definitely brutal enough to warrant inclusion though: think of the number of people you screwed over by shutting down Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, and Joseph Addai with 20 minutes left. Imagine counting on Manning with money on the line: "Okay, doing all right, just need one decent touchdown and I'll be golden, still a lot of time left in the third quarter, I'll just-- wha-- but-- who-- Curtis F$^@*ing Painter?!? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?!" Not cool, bro, not cool.

3. Gary Kubiak (Houston Texans)
They used to call baseball manager Sparky Anderson "Captain Hook" because of his habit of removing relievers with extreme prejudice. Given the overreaction of ol' Koobface to his running backs' fumbleitis pandemic, he may very well have inherited that nickname. We can also come to three bonus conclusions: (1) anyone who drafted Steve Slaton got screwed over down the stretch; (2) anyone who picked up and used Arian Foster for week 15 probably lost their matchup, only to see him score 15 points the next week after they were eliminated; and (3) the Houston Texans will have a new running backs coach next year. Who will make not fumbling a top priority.

2. Lovie Smith (Chicago Bears)
As a rule, we try to avoid profanity on this blog, but holy shit, Lovie Fucking Smith. I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. What the hell was that shit? Letting Jay Cutler create more turnovers than a friggin' bakery is one thing. You don't have a backup quarterback; I get that. But you had safety valves: how many times was Greg Olsen -- a preseason top-six tight end -- involved in your game plan? Why must you always aim for your terrible receivers? Also, you had a running back. A real running back. A running back who went for 1,200 yards in his rookie season. But oh no, all he did this year was run into the back of your crappy line 10 times a game, and never touched the ball again.

Normally, with bad picks, you can say things like, "Instead of Dwayne Bowe, I could've had Brandon Marshall or DeSean Jackson" or whatever. Here's a list of running backs you could've had instead of Matt Forte, considering when you drafted him:
- Like all of them.
- Literally anyone else in the National Football League
- Because everyone drafted him in the top five.
- Okay, so Adrian Peterson, Maurice Jones-Drew, and maybe Michael Turner were already off the board.

And I haven't even started on his terrible defense, which was a preseason sleeper because, allegedly, Smith is a defensive mastermind. Allegedly. Please don't blame their underwhelming performance on injuries, because the way this defense transformed into Mort Goldman ("oh God don't hurt me!") makes it look like Brian Urlacher was the Incredible Hulk in pads and cleats.

1. John Fox (Carolina Panthers)
Honestly, when I sat down to write this, I assumed Lovie Smith was going to take this, far and away. I didn't even really think there'd be competition.

But then I remembered the Carolina Panthers.

Let's start with Jake Delhomme. That guy sucked this year. I guess between him and Kerry Collins, we learned that, hey, there's a reason some of these guys are journeymen. What we also learned was that, if you started any defensive back going up against the Panthers, they would probably end up with more "receptions" and touchdowns than Steve Smith, a premier receiver before the season.

This is only amplified by the performance of some dude named Matt Moore. Now, no offense, but it's not like Johnny Unitas rose from the grave to lead the Panthers to a magical stretch run as super spoilers. Matt Moore is the definition of replacement-level, and for all I know, he was picked out of the stands at halftime Eddie-style. But Moore came in and led the team to back-to-back pastings of the Vikings and Giants, teams that had at one point this season been considered among the class of the NFC.

But that's not the worst of it. Before the season, DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart were a huge one-two running back punch, up there with Ronnie Brown/Ricky Williams and (to a lesser extent) Chris Johnson/LenDale White as the rare split in which both backs deserved drafting. But Fox's playcalling meant Williams, a first-rounder, languished early as Delhomme threw pick after pick. Stewart, at least, lived up to expectations thanks to a monster December. But the split meant Williams lost 10 touchdowns to Stewart, just as Williams owners feared.

Add in the defensive struggles that by now are par for the course for this list, and John Fox screwed over people who drafted his star running back and wide receiver, the handful of poor bastards who started Delhomme, and anyone who had faith in his defense. Congratulations, Mr. Fox. Take your trophy of "Biggest Screw-Job of Fantasy Owners", and display it with pride as you listen to irate football fans throughout the greater Charlotte area call for your head.

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Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part I)

- It's just not Eric Mangini's day. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, 108 points in week 16

With the close of week 16, it's time for that time-honored tradition among unsuccessful fantasy football owners: the airing of grievances, in which blame is assigned to everybody but themselves for their crappy fantasy teams. Since I fall in that category, here's a list of the worst real coaches for fantasy purposes.

(This post went longer than I originally anticipated, so I'm saving the last four for tomorrow.)

9. Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
No, I'm not listing him for that whole fourth-down thing against the Colts, and I'm not going to criticize his defense's performance, since I told you the Patriots' defense was going to be weak this year. I am, however, going to include him based on his egregious sin of the "running back by committee". True, injuries limited the damage this did, and the Pats don't run the ball especially well anyway. But I'm 25 points up in my two-week finals because Dave started Laurence Maroney (0 points) as opposed to Sammy Morris (15 points).

8. Josh McDaniels (Denver Broncos)
Pilk wants me to include him for his little pissing match with Brandon Marshall at the beginning of the season, and that's fair, since it cost Marshall some playing time and left fantasy owners scrambling a little. But it also meant Marshall became an absolute steal once he found the field, so really, his megalomanaical power play turned into a solid sleeper pick, as well as helping team discipline.

7. Eric Mangini (Cleveland Browns)
If you were relying on any members of the Cleveland Browns to take you to the fantasy football promised land, well, then I'm sorry for you. But when you consider the stellar performances of Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs over the second half of the season, it's a little infuriating to think that Mangini kept trotting out Jamal Lewis week after wasted week. I'd complain about the whole nuclear-launch-code-style secrecy surrounding the choice between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn, but if those were your starting quarterback options, you'd wait as long as possible to make your decision public too. Poor dude was probably hoping for a cyanide pill.

6. Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans)
Fisher at least made strides over last year, making sure touchdown vulture extraordinaire LenDale White saw more than his fair share of pine. But to stubbornly insist on playing your 40-year-old career journeyman quarterback despite starting the season 0-5, and despite being down 45-0 at halftime, and despite having the third-overall pick in the 2006 draft holding a clipboard... The Titans haven't looked like quite the world-beaters they were last year, but they looked a lot closer once Vince Young started taking the field. Frankly, the only thing saving Fisher's skin in real life is his 13 years with the team, and his hypnotically sweet moustache.

5. Dick Jauron (formerly Buffalo Bills)
The guy lost his job, so maybe that's enough, but if Fisher gets mentioned for sticking with Collins too long, I have to complain about Jauron: "Oh, look at that, Marshawn Lynch is back from his suspension. And just in time too! It's not like Fred Jackson was tearing up the lea... he was? Oh. Well, we can't have that." Factor in the early success of Ryan Fitzpatrick and you wonder just what exactly he was using to assign playing time.

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Wow, You're Terrible

-I'm sorry, that's incorrect.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 9-7, destroyed in the finals

Just when I thought the blog was winding down, Cole goes and writes a bunch a posts. Oh, we're doing things now? Well, Jesus, let me get on a bathrobe, at least. Christ. Banging on doors at eleven o'clock in the morning... what are we, Amish? Whatever, here we go.

As you can see above, although I made the Seinfeld League superbowl... well, let's save that for later. Cole and I will whip up some kind of analysis of our experimental season later. But for now, let's make fun of someone. Oh hello, Oakland Raiders.

When I'm on MSNBC and have had enough reading about pig diseases and balloon children, I usually stop by PFT for a laugh or two. Yesterday, they reported that Oakland coach Tom Cable took some time away from his busy schedule of punching things to blame his QB, JaMarcus Russel, for all of Oakland's woes. And god knows, there's a lot of them.

"It's a quarterback-driven league," says Cable, "Without even asking that question (would you have done better with an average QB), you know we would have." (burn.)

Seems a little unfair to me. Still, what is it like to suck so much the Oakland Raiders diss you? Goddamn. That's like being told you'll also need a second pair of training wheels on your front bike tire. Yeah, it's not what all the kids have to do. My mom told me that. She lied.

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This Whole Post Bothers Me

- "Coach, your daughter's five. You could've at least stopped blocking her shots." -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, Embarrassed in the First Round

The Sunday afternoon tilt between the New York Jets and the undefeated Indianapolis Colts was broadcast throughout much of the country on CBS. So if you're like me and tried to get escape the familial obligations with a little pigskin, then some big drunk uncle took the remote while you were getting more egg biscuits and started watching Jeff Dunham. Pain in the ass.

But I'm going to assume that you were more viligant than I, and that you saw head coach Jim Caldwell channel his inner Jim Mora and pull his starters in the third quarter against a Jets team fighting for its playoff life. The Colts, leading 15-10 at the time, allowed 19 unanswered points and lost 29-15.

Now, there's two ways to look at this. The gut reaction of the sports blogger is to criticize, so let's touch on that first: by sitting his starters, Caldwell does a disservice to the history of the NFL by not continuing to strive for perfection. And let's not forget the fans who paid in body parts for seats at Lucas Oil Stadium to see the Colts' B-squad. No wonder they were mad. If this were Philly, we'd be talking about the poor decision of the late Jim Caldwell.

Of course, the counterargument is that by resting his starters, Caldwell prevented a horrific, season-ending injury to Peyton Manning that would have resulted in more time spent filming commercials. So really, we should be thanking him for that. Plus we don't have to listen to Mercury Morris talk about the damn kids in his neighborhood again.

But that's all pretty hackneyed, and if we're going to recycle jokes, we might as well go whole hog:



Aah. Look at that sweet Zapruder-style footage.

Honestly, this whole post may have been an excuse to link to that video again. But let me leave with this: the running joke on Jim Caldwell was that no one knew that he was actually coaching (or, for that matter, awake) during Colts games.

Well, they know he's awake now.

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Half

-That's one suspicious tie.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

Let's face it, you can't be a sports blog right now unless Tiger Woods is on it. We've checked with lawyers. It's the law. So here's our obligatory Tiger Woods post. And if you call right now, we'll include our very first SSFA! golf post... FREE!

Actually, there's actually good news to report for Tiger Woods fans: he'll be playing again soon. Just few days after it was announced on his website that he's taking an indefinite leave from golf, his scorned many times over again (and again) wife may have him back on the links sooner than you think. She's gonna take half of his money.

Reports are that Elin Nodegren (which is also the model of my desk from Ikea) wants to split the 337.5 million Tiger's earned during their marriage right down the middle. Oh, wait... that's in pounds? Well, she better stay away from the States, then. Her husband banged like two dozen different chicks, she deserves more than half of $37.50.

So, I get the feeling Tiger will be back puttin' through the ol' miniature windmills sooner than he thinks. He's probably going to have to re-think some of his endorsements, though. Hell, Ambien is trying to get over that whole killing Heath Ledger thing, they should be jumping all over this! But seriously, leave you're new favorite Tiger Woods endorsement products in the comments. Funniest one gets a brand new unicorn. Made of ice cream.

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Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on. Read more...

Never Mind the Buccos

- Or, as he's known in England, Pat the Traitor from the Colonies -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

My knowledge of England is based on James Bond, Monty Python, and the occasional Premier League match on ESPN. So if I manage to insult the three London visitors Google Analytics reports, then appy polly loggies, O my brothers.

And further apologies are in order for sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond. I mean, you guys are supposed to be our friends, and I think the Geneva Convention bans the use of Bucs game footage in Guantanamo. It's going to be vile, I promise. I don't know what genius decided to send these guys as ambassadors for the sport; they haven't been a power in the league since at least 2005. Even if the Pats missed the playoffs last year, they're only one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance.

Man, actually, all these matchups have pretty disappointing, huh. Last year pitted the Saints (who finished 8-8) against the Chargers (who finished 8-8). The year before that, the Dolphins masqueraded as a professional football team, with some dude named Cleo Lemon as quarterback. They finished the season 1-15 and were so abysmal offensively that their next coach decided, "the hell with this," and reinvented the Wildcat. THAT would've been fun to watch. A game with 23 total points and less than 500 total yards of offense? Blimey.

The only quantum of solace I can find in this matchup is the fact that the Patriots will almost certainly beat the living daylights out of the Bucs. Bill Belichick is a worthy villain, with no sense of sportsmanship or decency, who won't think twice about humiliating Tampa Bay. Hanging 59 on the Titans? That's nothing. At least the Titans had some talent on paper; the Buccaneers are going to get steamrolled.

The last two games in Wembley Stadium were decided by less than a touchdown. Don't expect that this week, folks. Do expect big numbers for the Pats and, if I were you, I'd start demanding better teams for next year now. Read more...

Now Who Will I Make Fun Of?

-Take a knee, you selfish bastard!-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th overall

That heavenly choir in the distance? It's coming from Detroit.

The big news in Week 3 is that the Detroit Lions, the butt of every horrible sports team joke for the last... forever, ended a 19 game losing streak against the Washington Redskins. This one hurts people, the Lions were my go to yardstick for every measure of ineptitude. "What are you, the Detroit Lions of omelet making?" I would scream at Cole, chewing his cheesy and pepper-laced poultry abortion at 3am. Surprisingly, he hasn't again attempted to prove me wrong. Coward!

But good for them. The Lions. I mean, they'll still probably suck. But "get that monkey off your back" and feel like a real football team, for Pete sake. What can I say? I'm a softie for underdogs.

One thing is for sure, you do not want to be a Washington Redskin right now. Whoo boy. Head coach Jim Zorn is probably breaking out the bullwhips for practice this week (pause), and it's already being rumored he'll be grilled for some of his game time decisions, maybe in defense of keeping his job. Not good. But who am I to talk? After Week 3 officially ends, I'll have the same record as the Detroit Lions.

And now I'm off to find some liquor.

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One Is a Genius...

-Boom! Tough-actin' video games.-

Cole

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

We're all very proud of Jerry Jones, I'm sure, for successfully constructing a stadium so comically oversized that hyperbolic announcers feel warranted in comparing it to the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World. And don't get me wrong: if you can bilk the state into fronting half a billion dollars of the cost, all the more power to you. I hate that system, but "it is what it is". Fine.

But honestly, that's not what I came here today to talk to you about. I want to talk presidents.

You see, the opening of Cowboys Stadium attracted all kinds of celebrities, none more intriguing than Jessica Simpson former announcer John Madden and former Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush. You read that right: the 'Boys-Giants battle was attended by a brainless blowhard almost universally disliked by the time he left ... and George W. Bush. (Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.)

What NBC didn't tell you was that the president's box was wired for sound for security reasons. Lucky for you, we at SSFA! have obtained a transcript of those tapes. Here are some highlights:

John Madden: Hey, Mr. President, it's goot to meet you, glad you're here. Hey, I gotta ask: why did you claim executive privilege to withhold evidence of CIA waterboarding and fabrication of the evidence of weapons of mass destruction in the Iraq?
George W. Bush: [flustereed] Wait, what?
JM: [laughing] Naw, just kidding -- you should've seen your face! Grab a beer, man.
GWB: Thanks -- oh, man! Romo threw a pick six already? More like Tony Homo, am I right?
***

JM: All right, I gotta ask: how can you stand baseball? I get so bored I just wanna run on the field and [unintelligible] and BOOM!
GWB: Hey man, I hear ya. But you don't really think I watched it just because I had a team, do you?
JM: Well, I just...
GWB: Would I have traded away Sammy Sosa otherwise?
***

GWB: Oh, hey, so Dick's been a little down lately. I figured I'd take him hunting to cheer him up -- you know, give him a little surprise. Where's your favorite place to hunt turducken?
***

GWB: How was the flight down here?
JM: Oh, ha ha, I hate flying. Always did. That's why I take the ol' trusty Madden Cruiser. Gets a sweet seven miles to the gallon!
GWB: Y'know, I got a friend, Kim somethin', hates flying. If I give you his number, you think you could hook him up?
***

GWB: So who's the smart money on this year?
JM: Well, I like Brett Favre. He's such a great athlete, he knows to play the game, and he's such a fighter, so you gotta love the Packers.
GWB: ...he's not on the Packers any more.
JM: Well whoever. I like whatever team has Brett Favre. What a class act.
GWB: God damn, you're dumb.

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Step Right Up and Beat the Mets

- Nice season, pretty boy. -

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

So you're a lifelong Devil Rays fan. And you had high hopes coming into 2009 of your beloved team making it back to the Fall Classic. Or you're a die-hard Ranger fan. And you had no hopes to start, but the team played great all season only to idle just on the wrong side of the playoff picture.

Just remember to be grateful you're not a Mets fan.

Joe DiMaggio once famously said, "I'd like to thank the Good Lord for making me a Yankee," a quote plastered in meter-high letters on the facade of the old Yankee Stadium. And you, dear reader, should be thanking your respective higher powers for not condemning you to New York's second string.

At this point, to avoid dragging up these painful memories in Mets fans, I'll elaborate on this point after the jump. Any Mets fan who follows is clearly masochistic. Okay? Okay.

Now then. Other people have done a more thorough job than I ever could of compiling the laundry list of the Mets' injuries this year, so I won't bother trying to do that. I'll just link to this one, from the Wall Street Journal. But if you don't have time for all that, know that every member of the Mets' projected starting nine -- from Carlos Delgado to Carlos Beltran -- has spent time on the disabled list. Shortstop Jose Reyes has been inactive since Memorial Day. Contrast that with good luck charm and occasional ace Johan Santana, whose underwhelming second season in Queens only ended August 25.

You want more evidence the team is snakebit? Just look at the results on the field. It's not enough that the team is 20 games back on the Phillies and eliminated from wild card contention before the NFL season got underway. You could, after all, dismiss that as injury-based. But what about that game-ending triple play from a few weeks ago?

Not your thing? You'd prefer purer baserunning blunders? Cool.

No? How about fielding to make Manny Ramirez blush? There's plenty to choose from.

Or maybe you want one big "Stomach-Punch" loss against the crosstown rivals, in the most heartbreaking fashion possible. Once again, the Mets gladly oblige.

I know what you need. You need a symbol: a big, unwieldy, $700-million debacle of a stadium. A stadium whose construction bonds are in the crapper. A stadium whose naming rights were sold to a company something like 15 minutes before the company started begging for government intervention. A stadium that is already falling apart, leading fans to complain, "Yankee fans must've built this place." A stadium that was opened with all manner of wacky shenanigans: cats running on the field, pitchers falling down mid-delivery, a leadoff home run by the other team, and an aggravating -- you can't even call it "heartbreaking", really, it doesn't qualify -- loss to the equally terrible Padres. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Debits Shitty Citi Fi ... no, you know what? Let's just call it the New Shea Stadium.

With all that, it's no wonder owner Fred Wilpon is rumored to be trying to sell the team. Well, that and the Bernie Madoff losses he endured.

Well, it's almost over now. Take solace in football season, Mets fans. At least you don't have to hear about B**** F**** all the damn time now.

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When Is a Bell Not a Bell?

- The clapper's the easy part. The victories are gonna be tough. -

Cole

It's been that kind of 24 hours.

I walk in the door after 8 hours of travel on Labor Day and find out we don't have any hot water in the house, and haven't for a few days now. Terrific. I call maintenance right away and they don't send anyone until this morning -- half an hour before my alarm is supposed to go off.

"Try the hot water in about half an hour," he says. Great.

So while I'm waiting to take a shower I check to see exactly how badly Tulane lost Friday. It turns out they lost by 24, making me look brilliant (or, more to the point, mercifully not making me look like a blithering idiot). That's embarrassing enough, but then I saw the highlight video.

So the Superdome was mostly empty. Not much I can do about that. But I can (I think) help with that victory bell thing. I knew where that clapper was when I was at Tulane, and I know I can find it now. Stay tuned for some investigative reporting, SSFA! style.

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Green Wave, We Hardly Knew Ye

- Chasing the Tigers in an empty stadium. What else is new? -

Cole

The Tulane Green Wave 2009 football campaign ends tonight around 11:00 pm Eastern, as the Green Wave finish their opening game against the Tulsa Golden Hurricane. An already sparse audience, dwarfed by the massive Louisiana Superdome, and a national television audience provided by ESPN will be on hand to witness the season's conclusion.

It's not just that Tulane is a two-touchdown underdog at home, though that does help. Anyone familiar with Tulane's performance over the past six years or so knows the truth: this is a doomed squad. Look at last year's eight-game losing streak. Look at the myriad of special teams miscues -- blocked punts, missed field goals, touchdowns allowed on kick returns -- that dogged the team all season. Look at the collection of NFL-grade talent that has donned the olive and blue (JP Losman, Mewelde Moore, and Matt Forte as the most prominent examples) since the Green Wave's last bowl game in 2002.

You'd be hard pressed to find the best symbol for Tulane's nearly decade-long stretch of futility. Is it Lester Ricard, the LSU transfer so excited to play against his old squad in Tiger Stadium, who fumbled the first snap from scrimmage when the "rivalry" was renewed in 2007? Is it the 2006 home opener, the first Tulane game in city limits since Hurricane Katrina, where Tulane fell flat early en route to a 33-28 loss to SMU? Maybe it's the 2003 homecoming game against Houston, organized by MTV and featuring OutKast, played in a depressing drizzle at a half-filled Tad Gormley Stadium (capacity: 30,000). Even OutKast was disappointing, as only one of the two members showed up and he played "Hey Ya" twice so the cameras could get a good take.

But maybe the best symbol is former head coach Chris Scelfo. As Cajun as a crawfish pie, Scelfo enjoyed limited success in assistant coaching stops at Georgia and Marshall before his hiring. Named the head coach at the end of Tulane's only undefeated season, Scelfo's record barely scratched the surface of the miserable luck he endured. I'd like to think it was his lovable aw-shucks demeanor and perennial quotability that allowed him to keep his job until the end of the 2006 season; in reality, it may well have been departmental fatalism. Either way, how can you hate a guy that toured the South with a vagabond collection of college football players in 2005, continuing to play and "carry the torch" for a drowned school, record be damned? Or who punted on third down in a game because he couldn't stand watching the offense go backwards any more? Or who said about his offense, "We pissed down our leg for 60 minutes"?

Fairly or not for some who endured what he did, Scelfo was let go after the 2006 season. Even in his final press conference as Tulane head coach, Scelfo kept his sense of humor: asked what was next, he replied, "I'm gonna go home, take a nap, pick the kids up from school..."

But back to the present day. Maybe Tulane will hold their own against Tulsa tonight, and it is physically possible that they could win. But with nowhere near the resources of the LSUs and USCs and Michigans of the world, what's a small-budget program to do to escape from this death spiral of losses and apathy?

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Another Round of Drafts for Everyone!

- This is a decent depiction of how well our draft went. Yamahama. -

Cole

See? This is why we can't have nice things.

I bet you all expected some big long article about the Seinfeld League draft yesterday, detailing how Pilk fell into three high-quality running backs while I got screwed over by the Autodraft and picked a defense in the eight round. But technically, Wednesday's draft didn't happen, because there was a glitch.

For some reason, the Commish says, a glitch in the CBS Sports drafting software left us with only nine roster spots to fill, and no reserves. As a result, we weren't allowed to pick backups and the rosters are incomplete. The only way to fix this -- outside a massive waiver wire dash -- is a redraft. So let's discuss the results of the first-ever Seinfeld League "Wait-I-Thought-This-Was-For-Real" Mock Draft.

As expected, it was a strange draft all the way around. Eli Manning was taken in the first round -- before his brother -- by The Vintage Pastries. That owner proceeded to take Wes Welker in the second round, and owns a backfield of Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris. The Patriots' defense, however, went in the fourth round to Queen of the Castle. Despite this, QotC ended up with a respectable lineup including Aaron Rodgers, DeAngelo Williams, Roddy White, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

No one really ran away with the overall "best" draft though, as some of the best rosters have lingering questions. Bosco picked up the Peyton Manning/Reggie Wayne connection, and is solid at running back with Reggie Brown and Steve Slaton (the world's only first-round sleeper). But Roy Williams is hurt and Marshawn Lynch is suspended until October. Fusili Jerry grabbed both Drew Brees and Marques Colston, adding Larry Fitzgerald as well, but Jonathan Stewart is an underwhelming RB2 and Brandon Marshall is his flex (WR/RB) player. Even Rob made out well: Sweet Fancy Moses currently boasts Chris Johnson, Michael Turner, and Brian Westbrook at running back, and Eddie Royal and Lee Evans as WRs. If only he had a better quarterback than B**** F****.

So we'll try again next Wednesday, after the Commish triple and quadruple-checks the roster settings, and believe me, you'll hear about it. What's your best draft look like so far?

(I'm not ashamed of my draft, by the way, but I'm not overly proud either: good receivers in Andre Johnson, Terrell Owens and Anthony Gonzalez; Matt Forte and a little gamble on Larry Johnson; and McNabb, who's getting decent marks from most pundits. Next time I might focus harder on the running backs, because it seems comparatively thin.)

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