Our Teams

With the conclusion of the draft, SSFA! is proud to present the teams Cole and RWPilk will be working with this season, so take a gander at the soldiers we enlisted. As the season progresses, we'll keep this page updated as trades, adds, and drops occur. May the best (pretend) coach win! To learn more about our league, click here.

Cole
Draft Pick Position: 3rd

Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine

QB - Donovan McNabb (PHI)
RB - Chris Johnson (TEN)
RB - Ray Rice (BAL)
WR - Calvin Johnson (DET)
WR - Steve Breaston (ARI)
TE - Greg Olsen (CHI)
FLEX - Matt Forte (CHI)
K - Lawrence Tynes (NYG)
DST - Saints

-bench-
RES - David Garrard (JAC QB)
RES - Reggie Bush (NO RB)
RES - Jason Snelling (ATL RB)
RES - Jerricho Cotchery (NYJ WR)
RES - Dwayne Bowe (KC WR)
RES - Fred Davis (WAS TE)

RWPilk
Draft Pick Position: 4th

The Sweet Fancy Moses

Drew Brees (NO QB)
Brandon Marshall (DEN WR - FLEX)
LeSean McCoy (PHI RB)
Quinten Ganther (WAS RB)
Reggie Wayne (IND WR)
Miles Austin (DAL WR)
Kevin Boss (NYG TE)
Matt Prater (DEN K)
Packers (DST)

-bench-

Darren Sproles (SD RB)
Brian Westbrook (PHI RB)
Donnie Avery (STL WR)
Jeremy Maclin (PHI WR)
Ahmad Bradshaw (NYG RB)
Robbie Gould (K CHI)

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Are You ****ing ****ing Me?

-A civil union if I ever did see one-

RWPilk

Oh, SSFA! readers, we've had some good times. Some real laughs. But let's put erotically posed G.I. Joes down, it's adult time now. That's right. It's all fun and games until some self-important jerk starts toying with idea of running for Congress.

The breaking news Tuesday afternoon is that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling was contacted about making a run at Ted Kennedy's vacant seat in the Senate. Wow. You gotta hand it to the Republican Party, they do have a good eye for marketing. What better way to win over the bluest of blue states than with a bona fide Bahston Red Sawk? Who's he gonna run against? This guy?

If Schilling knows what's good for him, he'll decline on this nonsense for many years to come. Most MA residents still know him as the clutch guy. The bloody sock. The guy who helped get their bread bowl eating hands on the 2004 title. That's fine. But Schilling has a big I-Can't-Shut-the-Hell-up problem. He openly bashes other athletes, aggressively campaigned for Bush, and did commercials for Ford. Yeah, Ford. I know it. Disgusting.

"My hope is that we're past that (bi-partisanship). That we're past the whole R and D thing." Schilling said when asked if he thought running as a Republican in MA was a good idea. Heads up, Curt: We ain't. We just want to remember you as the pitcher, man. You did good. We all still like you (sorta). Don't mess that up.

Fun fact: Did you know Curt Schilling is an avid role-playing gamer? He runs 38 Studios, a developer of on-line games. Huh. Something new every day. Still Curt, keep your +4 gauntlets of Scion to yourself and off the Capitol building.

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Time To Start Tailgating

- Autumn: when a young man's fancy tu -- hey! What did I tell you?! -

Cole

Yes, it's that time of year again. Look over on ESPN and all you see are page after page of preseason prog -- hey! And if you can tear yourself away from those, there's always trouble brewing in the form of contract nego -- stop it! Anyway, if that's not enough for you, there's always the SportsNation polls, which -- Rubio?! oh come on!

Whatever. It's football season, dammit, and everyone knows it. (Even the Worldwide Leader, cherry-picking notwithstanding). High school games have already started in some parts of the country, and the college variety kicks off tomorrow with nine Division I-A games on the slate. The highlight of the night may well be the Oregon-Boise State game that features two top-25 teams, but I'll be over on ESPNU watching the North Texas-Ball State battle, a game I'm forced to refer to as the "North Texas/Balls Bowl", as a weak homage to our sometime-commenter.

For those of you who can't stand the farce of allegedly amateur college athletics, there's the usual NFL headaches piling up. The latest involves Broncos wideout Brandon Marshall, suspended indefinitely for stealing head coach Josh McDaniels' Pez dispenser or something, and a potential trade to the Jets. Only the Broncos don't want to trade him, because they know they'll get pennies on the dollar for him and would rather have a top flight receiver. And plus, McDaniels used to work for the Patriots, who have this longstanding antipathy towards the New York Jets, and then Maria slept with everybody, and Matt Cassel's evil twin is...

Wait. I got a bit confused because I'm working from home this week, and the soap operas are only confusing things for me. Regardless, it's a good thing no one's saving this drama for their mamas, because that means one more potential matchup the Tony Kornheisers of the world don't have to work to discuss. Broncos-Jets? Brandon-Marshall-Gate! Jets-Vikings? That-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Refuse-To-Mention-Gate! Eagles-Browns? Hey-It's-Puppy-Killer-Mike-Vick-Against-A-Team-Whose-Name-Is-Tangentially-Related-To-Dogs-Maybe-Gate! Broncos-Vikings? The-Extremely-Unhappy-Quarterback-Wide-Receiver-Tandem-Gate! Exciting.*

Now, though, it's time for me to start getting ready for Seinfeld League Draft 2: Draft Harder. Otherwise, how am I supposed to compete with these people?

______
*-Well, except for the fact that none of these matchups are scheduled for the regular season. But you get the idea.

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I'm confused! Can you take me home?!

-Go long. And stay off my lawn.-

RWPilk

Newsflash, oh faithful SSFA! readers: Brett Favre is kind of a jerk.

As of Tuesday night, press and fellow player alike were still abuzz with talk about Brett Favre's low hit to Texans' Eugene Wilson in the Monday night preseason game. Big whoop, right? It happens. It's basically a big, sweaty man blender out there at the line of scrimmage. You can make a mistake, as long as you take responsibility for it. Oh, wait. We're not doing that? I see.

"Believe me, my intentions were not to be cheap. . . . I'll be 40 years old in October and was weeding 13 days ago. I wasn't thinking about throwing blocks." Favre said when questioned about it. Aw, c'mon man. Where's "I'm sorry" in that sentence? You're gonna play the age card now? After you've wheeled and dealed your way into the Vikings organization, proclaiming how capable and vital you are to anyone who will listen, you're gonna play it like that? You're old? It doesn't count? It was past your bedtime? Sure, sure. We get it. You were weeding, of course! And confused. Right. Skipping an Ensure before game time can do that to a weary old veteran such as yourself. Understood. Here's your rocking chair, we'll wake you for practice.

Good god. It's gonna be a long season, Minnesota.

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Y'all Can't Do Tedy Like THIS!

-Bill wanted me to tell you, Tedy Bear... door's that way.-

RWPilk

Attention all fantasy footballers! Anyone getting in on some late drafting action and had their (lazy) eye on the soft, nougat-filled New England defense, drop that fork! Sunday night it broke that defensive captain and merit badge champion Tedy Bruschi is retiring. Of course, "retire" is a term we'll use loosely. The guy is 36, hasn't been a play-maker in a few years, and is really better known for injuries and health problems more than anything else. He's probably retiring just as much as Nixon resigned. Still, for whatever reason, he's a big ole' deal in New England and will sure to be getting a classy, tear-filled send off.

I don't have a huge problem with Bruschi. By all accounts he's a good guy, I just feel I'm the only one wondering how someone has a stroke at 30. C'mon man, don't get benched by aliments most found in retirement homes. What team you think you're on, the Red Sox? Well whatever, the point is there's already some squabbling over how coach Bill Belichick is being so great by not officially cutting a guy who has basically been an unofficial, non-plush mascot for the last 5 years. Well, here's a preemptive shout from the peanut gallery: the hell with that.

You wouldn't know it to talk to any NE fan, but Belichick is a dick. A notorious one. Outside the haze of self-congratulatory back-slapping of the northeast are rampant stories of Belichick's shady practices and Machiavellian brand of sportsmanship. And long before the Spygate thing too. My favorite is his cussing out opposing team medics for rushing to his player's side after a dangerous hit. Or Tom Brady's mysterious "questionable" injury status that was retained throughout the dynasty seasons. Careful what you wish for, Bill.

So, yeah, cornering an aging, big-heart/come-up-short franchise guy into "retiring" shouldn't be getting one lick of admiration. We all know what drives those evil glares and revealing press conferences, Bill: a heart of freezing, craggy ice. It certainly explains all the sweatshirts.

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Another Round of Drafts for Everyone!

- This is a decent depiction of how well our draft went. Yamahama. -

Cole

See? This is why we can't have nice things.

I bet you all expected some big long article about the Seinfeld League draft yesterday, detailing how Pilk fell into three high-quality running backs while I got screwed over by the Autodraft and picked a defense in the eight round. But technically, Wednesday's draft didn't happen, because there was a glitch.

For some reason, the Commish says, a glitch in the CBS Sports drafting software left us with only nine roster spots to fill, and no reserves. As a result, we weren't allowed to pick backups and the rosters are incomplete. The only way to fix this -- outside a massive waiver wire dash -- is a redraft. So let's discuss the results of the first-ever Seinfeld League "Wait-I-Thought-This-Was-For-Real" Mock Draft.

As expected, it was a strange draft all the way around. Eli Manning was taken in the first round -- before his brother -- by The Vintage Pastries. That owner proceeded to take Wes Welker in the second round, and owns a backfield of Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris. The Patriots' defense, however, went in the fourth round to Queen of the Castle. Despite this, QotC ended up with a respectable lineup including Aaron Rodgers, DeAngelo Williams, Roddy White, and T.J. Houshmandzadeh.

No one really ran away with the overall "best" draft though, as some of the best rosters have lingering questions. Bosco picked up the Peyton Manning/Reggie Wayne connection, and is solid at running back with Reggie Brown and Steve Slaton (the world's only first-round sleeper). But Roy Williams is hurt and Marshawn Lynch is suspended until October. Fusili Jerry grabbed both Drew Brees and Marques Colston, adding Larry Fitzgerald as well, but Jonathan Stewart is an underwhelming RB2 and Brandon Marshall is his flex (WR/RB) player. Even Rob made out well: Sweet Fancy Moses currently boasts Chris Johnson, Michael Turner, and Brian Westbrook at running back, and Eddie Royal and Lee Evans as WRs. If only he had a better quarterback than B**** F****.

So we'll try again next Wednesday, after the Commish triple and quadruple-checks the roster settings, and believe me, you'll hear about it. What's your best draft look like so far?

(I'm not ashamed of my draft, by the way, but I'm not overly proud either: good receivers in Andre Johnson, Terrell Owens and Anthony Gonzalez; Matt Forte and a little gamble on Larry Johnson; and McNabb, who's getting decent marks from most pundits. Next time I might focus harder on the running backs, because it seems comparatively thin.)

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Down in Front

-Things really are bigger and Texas. And dumber, too.-

RWPilk

After the disappointment of the voided draft, I was desperate for anything to brighten my spirits. Little did I know that I only need look to the Dallas Cowboys organization to bring a little good ole', deep fried stupid into my life.

Note to Texas: The expression "the length of a football field" should reserved for blue whales, the width of Rhode Island, and measuring how many jimmies Ben & Jerry's serves every hour, not things you actually put INSIDE a football stadium. As you can see from the above picture, the Dallas Cowboys have installed giant screens to better serve (i.e. melt the faces off) their patrons and provide all the necessary light for any NASA scientists performing eye surgery while in orbit.

So large are the new screens that they are interfering with punt kicking during practices and preseason games, forcing the NFL to consider if they need to impose changes on the $1.15 billion renovation. Let be said that it's probably every guy's dream to own a television so big it scares a committee of white collar businessmen to convene somewhere to decide if it should exist or not, but c'mon Dallas. Look at this freaking picture. Receivers shouldn't be losing the long ball in a massive, overhead ball of unrelenting, blinding light when they're playing INDOORS. A little restraint, people. Needless to say, it's probably good that special team plays aren't usually calculated in fantasy leagues, or Dallas kickers and receivers would be avoided like the plague.

Challenging this little story to get even dumber is ex-coach Jimmy Johnson, who thinks the screens are just dandy right where they are. "I think it's so cool." he's reported saying. Was it a spirited game of pigskin that ignited this gosh wow, gee wilikers response? No. It was a George Strait and Reba McEntire concert.

Thank you, Texas, for being yourself. Over and over again.

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This is a fantasy football blog, right?

-What? This isn't what you're talking about?-

After nearly a month of speculation, wheel-spinning, and tiny ship-in-a-bottle building, Cole and RWPilk are finally upon their fantasy football draft, happening tonight at 8:30pm EST. Let's go to them now for some pre-draft thoughts, shall we?

Cole
Draft Pick Position: 3rd

It's no stretch to say I'm excited about the football season. The beginning of a new football season is always full of possibility and promise. Fresh rosters! Nobody injured! Sleepers full of upside! All that crap!

As far as stategory goes, inspired by my other league, I'm going to overload on running backs or wide receivers and try to trade like the wind. Beyond that? My main plan is to get Rob and Gina drinking, and hope they think Jonathan Stewart will be splitting carries with Stephen Colbert.

RWPilk
Draft Pick Position: 4th

So, tonight is the big night, the fantasy draft. I've done no research, have no one I really have an eye on, and am unaware of any tried-and-true draft strategies that would help me. Am I worried? Nah. While Cole will be spread out all over the floor with with magazines and websites and his construction paper and glitter, conjuring up some super critical 14th round, backup kicker pick, I'll be puttin' my feet up and taking it easy. While I may not know any upcoming guys from the '09 NFL Draft, I know enough key names to populate a decent bench. Besides, how many 1st draft football players do anything in their first year? Goose egg, that's how many. And when in doubt, I trust the rankings. So, there you have it. It might not be pretty, but it'll work.

Non-alcoholic Draft Update:
Oh, what a draft. We laughed. We cried. Cole shook his fist and took our lord's name in vain. And then the draft got voided. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties, the draft was interrupted and was terminated before completion. For better or worse, it has been rescheduled for Sept. 2nd. Stay tuned, people.

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