Thursday, December 3, 2009

Things They Do Look Awful Cold

- The second monolith sent to Earth was not as well received. -

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall
As you probably know by now, The Who -- or what's left of them -- will be performing at halftime of Super Bowl XLIV in Miami, ensuring that the billion people who watch the Super Bowl will unite as one, rise up, and say, "There HAS to be something else on."

Naturally, at times like this, we stop and wonder what else could have been. Well, wonder no more, my friends. Because of my good looks, charm, and Real Housewives of DC-style party-crashing abilities, I was able to attend several meetings with the halftime show producers as they ran through the list of candidates. Here are some other names they were considering:

Bob Dylan
Pros: The musical legend, perpetually on tour, has no counterculture scruples left and at this point is down for just about anything.
Cons: Dear God, have you heard the man recently?

Michael Jackson
Pros: "Everyone's been talking about him recently, plus he's got that new movie and everything!"
Cons: Three main problems: (1) "Didn't we just have that Prince guy? He's basically the same thing." (2) Fear of angry PETA protests over Bubbles the Chimp. (3) A staffer informed the producers that he was, in fact, dead.

Pearl Jam
Pros: Big sports fans; everyone knows their first album was named after Mookie Blaylock. Besides, they just did a Target commercial, so they've officially sold out enough.
Cons: "These dang kids play their music too dad-gum loud!"

David Bowie
Pros: Plays a wide variety of music, and seems to fit in with the general theme of rock artists who were really awesome in 1978.
Cons: Producers expressed reluctance to have another woman on stage so soon after Nipplegate.

Anyone culturally relevant in the last five years
Pros: Might actually convince viewers that now is not the time to go get that fourth serving of chicken wings.
Cons: The geezers that make the programming decisions/can actually afford to buy Super Bowl tickets and see them live have never heard of them.

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