Now Eat Your Peas

-You can't spell "turducken" without-- uhhh... BOOM!-

From our indigestion to yours, everyone here at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! would like to wish all our readers a Happy Thanksgiving (Yes, all nine of you). You know, that historical day when the Redskins showed the Patriots how to grow corn or whatever, but, more importantly, how to toss the ol' pigskin around. What a joyous time it was! And then the Patriots turned into Cowboys, Steelers, and 49ers ran the Redskins and their Chiefs all out on their Colts and Broncos so that they couldn't even enjoy their Buffalo Bills anymore. What a shame... what a shame.

For your viewing pleasure, don't forget to mix in a little pigskin of your own with your mash potatoes and quality-time inspired drinking:

Packers vs Lions at 12:30pm
on FOX

Raiders vs Cowboys at 4:15pm
on CBS

Giants vs Broncos at 8:20pm
on NFLN

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Gimme Five

-Up high! Down low! Too SLOW! ...That'll be five yards.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Nothing screams rompin' good fun like an official statement to the press dispelling the occurrence of a high five.

This week, the media was abuzz with an apparent high five that occured between QB Vince Young and ref Jerome Boger at the end of Titans/Texans MNF. I love stuff like this. Honestly, it looks like a coincidence, but it comes at just the right time where there's little buzzes floating around about refs favoring certain players and all that kinda nonsense/reality. Yee Haw! Eat it up, sports media outlets! I'm gonna run and grab Chris Berman a bib.

Of course, NFL suits are falling over themselves trying to deny it. Happenstance, they say. Serendipitous, yet unintentional, palm slapping. Perfectly understandable. The NFL then added, "Tweet about this, and we'll kill you."

Below is really, REALLY bad footage of it happening. Is it true? A hoax?! YOU decide!



Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This footage looks familiar... I could swear I've seen this camera work before...



Well, and there you have. That proves it. Pure, unadulterated FACT.

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Week 11 Recap: Long Shot City, Population: Moses

- Welcome to the party, pa -- oh, whoops, wrong McClane. -

Week 11 leads to a divergence of sorts for our authors! While Cole prepares to fortify his roster for the playoffs, RWPilk scrambles to rally his way back into contention.

Ah hell, did I give it away? Man, I suck at this. Fine, read the wrapup. And oh yeah, the Pats-Saints game will be live-blogged (liveblogged? liveblog'd?) next Monday night right here at SSFA!. And probably other places as well. But ours is way better.

Cole

Current Standing: 9-2, 1st Overall

One of these weeks I've got to get around to writing the recap titles. Be that as it may, I still get a chance to revel in the fact that I now own a four-game lead with three weeks to go, giving me the Apartment Division title and a berth in the playoffs. I'm lord of the manor, master of my domain, king of the county, etc.

It was a hard-fought battle with Jim to clinch, though; I had a one-point lead going into the Monday night game as Chris Johnson (on my squad) battled Andre Johnson (on Jim's). Years of pent-up sports-based superstition came out in full force, and I stopped moving somewhere after halftime to prevent some sort of negative feng shui from conspiring against Chris Johnson's yardage total (and don't think I've forgotten your transgression, LenDale White). By the end of the fourth quarter, I was rooting for Kris Brown's field goal attempt to sail wide (which it did), just so I could collapse in a peaceful, victorious exhaustion.

Now that's a high-quality game.

Things could have been a lot easier for me, I admit: I guessed wrong with my receivers for the 27th time, sitting Jerricho Cotchery (80+ yds, 1 TD) for Steve Breaston (no receptions). And Jason Snelling's moment in the sun (20 fantasy points) was wasted on my bench behind Khan (7 points). But these things happen.

Besides, I still want to talk about the touchdown vultures. Aside from White's two carries for two yards and six points, there's also the case of LeRon McClain in Baltimore, the Island-of-Misfit-Toys version. Sunday against Indianapolis, when the Ravens had first and goal at the one, the Ravens ran the ball three times: twice to McClain, and once to Joe Flacco, all for naught. Baltimore, of course, lost by two. Now, I'm not going to sit here and say that, in a goal-line situation, you should give your ball to your star running back three times and not some dude you're pulling out of the first row. No, wait a minute, yes I am going to say that. John Harbaugh gets my Lovie Smith Memorial "Why Do You Hate Me?" Award of the week for meritorious achievements in the field of playcalling designed to screw me over.

But I won't complain too much. Now I can just sit back and watch the rest of the season. Saints-Pats? All right.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-6, 8th overall

Sigh. You see this? This is me hitting the giant, category-5, blinking red button marked "start panicking".

I lost this week. Rather than go through and blame the people responsible (WR Miles Austin, RB Ahmed Bradshaw, God, K Neil Rackers), let's just go to straight to what needs to be done if I'm to have ANY shot of the playoffs. And, no, it ain't pretty.

1. I need win ALL my remaining three games. Oh, yes. Victories. Cut and dry. Even more important, is that, in our league, the last three games are all against our own divisions. That means my victories in these games can shoot me up the division standings. Hello, playoffs! Goodbye... bitterly weeping myself to sleep.

2. I need to score A LOT of points. I've only had a few triple digit games, and now I need a lot more. See, getting first in my division is highly unlikely, but getting out Wild Card spot is a little more manageable if I'm in second. I just need the highest point total of the other 2nd placers. So rack'em up.

And there it is. Is is possible? Yes. Likely? No. But we're gonna try. We're gonna try like Hell. Onward, Sweet Fancy Moses. Onward.

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Week 11 Preview: Into the Home Stretch

-Welcome to the Sweet Fancy Moses, Mr. Boss.-

The regular guy who writes these intros got injured, so I'm filling in this week! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is proud to present the Week 11 preview. Go vote in the Candy Lineup poll! Get prepared to drink heavily and laugh it up, fuzzball, as Cole and RWPilk flounder and curse their general ineptitude in the ugly arena of fantasy football.

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It's getting to that time of year. The trading deadline has passed without incident, and Matt "Khan" Forte is still on my team. I have faith in him though. He's a disappointment, yes, and I'll probably curse Lovie Smith out for the remainder of the sesaon. But he's already one up on Ronnie Brown, and you gotta figure the Bears will be running a lot more after the debacle that was Jay Cutler against San Francisco last week.

But I don't really have faith in the Saints' defense/special teams unit. Sure, their schedule is comically easy, but this is a team that gave up over 400 yards and 23 points to the St. Louis Rams. And yeah, they've gotten eight defensive touchdowns, but that's where most of their value lies, and let's face it: defensive touchdowns are by and large luck-based. You don't want to count on constantly being that lucky. Especially when the team in question has the luck of a New Orleans-based institution.

This week The Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine has a tough matchup against The Happy Pappys, the team with the second-most points in the league. The thing to do in this situation is to look for weak matchups. You know, like Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson going up against Seattle. And the Pittsburgh DST facing Kansas City.

Huh. This could be trouble.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Ah, I love browsing my team at the end of the week and finding out someone hasn't been practicing... and that I have no back up on the bench. Nothing to wake you up for the weekend like stumbling into the waiver wire drenched with sweat and fear. Enter: Jets TE Kevin Boss, the newest member of the Sweet Fancy Moses. Until there's some word on Todd Heap-- wait, you know what? Screw it. Heap can barely score over 5 points. Boss, you're in! Suit up and report back here in 5 for some Tony Danza jokes.

And, praise the lord, BYE weeks are over and done with. I wasn't hit hard any particular week, but just rather suffered a lot of close margin defeats with my reserve guy scoring "what do I do with the ball, again?" numbers. So, this is the first week I'm marching on to the field with the team I drafted, more or less, season ending injuries and gay-bashing suspensions not withstanding. Will it make a difference? I'm hoping so in these critical last weeks.

A little irony for you: If I beat my opponent this week, I help Cole secure his playoff spot. I wish I had the record to throw the game. Oh, I'd do it. I'm in a competition on a public forum here! What else am I supposed to do? Hello? Is this thing on?

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Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on. Read more...

They're Talking About Practice

-Perhaps he should have been making his teammates better.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

First of all, you media types should stop referring to Allen Iverson as "A.I." I can't afford to spend more time clicking on NBA headlines hoping to hear about basketball-playing robots. I have things to do. My time is valuable.

Anyway, the non-robotic Allen Iverson just recently parted ways with the Grizzlies and the New York Knicks are already kinda considering bringing him aboard. But not really. At least not yet.

Despite my love that fateful press conference, I don't know much about Iverson. He skipped practice, I hear, and is largely unhappy on the teams he plays for. But, yet, always on a team. What's the deal? This happens to a lot of players. T.O. comes to mind. Randy Moss was one of these types until Belichick reigned him in. A-Rod was on a few teams before being on a team that requires you to be an asshole (there you go, Sawx fans). You know, these players that kinda seem poisonous to organizations, yet can't really be ignored because of their talent/hype. More so their hype. Once you're on a magazine cover, it's hard for teams that are 1-9 to leave you unemployed.

I don't mind. If there's one thing that keeps me watching sports it's personality. With a capital P. Remember Carl Everett? Where's that guy been? Playing for something called Atlantic League of Professional Baseball. Screw that, let's get this guy his own radio show. Are you there, Carl? I'm listening.

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Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

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Week 10 Preview: Welcome Back, Rackers!

-We kept your desk over there.-

Week 10: the final five. What more is there to say really? Cole has all but clinched his playoff spot, and RWPilk has is back against the wall, ready to crack some skulls down the final stretch and possibly secure the league's only wild card spot. Do our bitter rivals have any insight to what will happen this week? No. But, be honest, what else do you have to do? That's what I thought.

Cole

Current Standing: 7-2, 2nd Overall

The Thursday games throw everything off. Instead of catching up on my reading and doing some laundry, I spent four hours yelling at my TV and drinking heavily.

How I've missed you, Thursday night football.

What a terrible game though. Both teams played sloppy football and missed countless opportunities. And then there was Jay Cutler, with more turnovers than a North End bakery. Throw the ball that much, and I'm forced to contemplate why Lovie Smith hates my fantasy team. Oh look, 120 receiving yards for Matt Forte. If you're forced to dump the ball off that much, something's very wrong with your offense.

Now there's something very wrong with MY offense. In this self-proclaimed "year of the quarterback", I'm stuck wrestling between Donovan McNabb and David Garrard. Speaking of awkward quarterback choices, the readers suggest Kurt Warner over Joe Flacco for you, Fred. Good luck.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

That's right. Rackers is back. Neil, I'm sorry we ever let you go. We left your desk for you. And we'll find a chair for you somewhere around here.

I have a tough opponent this week and, as usual, a few problems with my line up. One is my DST match up. Packers vs Cowboys? Crap. My alternate? Bills vs Titans. Holy God, that game sucks so much light won't escape it. Yeah, there's a science quip for y'all.

And of course, injuries. I have both Westbrook and his back up, McCoy. Who will play? Will they split carries? In times like these, I've learned that the fantasy mantra is to go with with your "best" player. The seniority guy. The name. It's still a best guess if it's 55% probability, right? Game time decision pending, Westbrook it is. And go easy on the noggin, cowboy.

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