Friday, October 30, 2009

Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ye Olde NBA

-Paul: the cute one.-

Welcome, O Faithful Readers! You may not be aware of this, but aside from being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk like to enjoy the finer things in life. Shucking oysters. Reading the New Yorker. Or perhaps yelling at the various cats they've had to live with. Yes, it's all very sophisticated. But when such tasks are required, we must look to a new face to bring us news they may not be qualified (or interested enough) to present. We look to guest writers. Now, in a special SSFA! presentation, we welcome DennyP! to usher us into the Boston Celtics 2009 season in the NBA. Take it away, Denny...



Ladies and gentlemen, the NBA and my beloved Celtics are back!

Now my fellow bloggers and I see eye to eye on many things, namely yelling at the various cats we've had to live with. But the NBA is not one of them! So for better or for worse, you are stuck with me to satisfy your basketball cravings which I hope does not come close to Brian Scalabrine's cravings for italian bread dipped in olive oil and pasta in a white wine cream sauce.

Now I'm only about 40 hrs late to give you a Celtics preview, but there have already been two games thusfar with an impressive 2-0 start. Seems kinda pointless to go over the offseason at this point in time, but so are the unfollowed rules in the NBA like the 'carry' and traveling...
Key Acquisitions:
  • Rasheed Wallace - Signed as a free agent and saved from the sinking ship that is the Detroit Pistons. One of the best power forwards in the league when he actually tries, and I have no doubt KG will use him as a punching bag if he doesnt. Most impressive to me so far this season is how well Rasheed has fit in chemistry-wise the first two games.
  • Marquis Daniels - Athletic swingman and good scorer who signed as a free agent. He started for the emerging (but still not good) Indiana Pacers last season, and is now Paul Pierce's backup. And he has dreadlocks, nice! Thought he played well against Cleveland.
  • Shelden Willams - Big man to play defense and grab rebounds off the bench. Picture a PJ Brown that cant shoot, or a Miki Moore that can lift more than 10 lbs, or Scott Pollard if he was the least bit athletic, get the idea.
  • Lester Hudson - Rookie guard and 2nd round draft pick. His first name is Lester, dont expect much people.

Key Losses

  • Leon Powe - [Moment of silence] So sad to see him go, he was a true Celtic, a great player and a great worker, so down-to-earth and a class act. So rare nowadays. Maybe thats why I'm writing this now and the NBA is not one of "the finer things in life". Hmmm
  • Gabe Pruitt - Meh. I really liked him as a player but he wasnt used much for some reason. I usually trust the Celtics brass, we'll see whether he makes an impact elsewhere.
  • Miki Moore...wait no!
  • Stephon Marbury....NOO!!! If only he was as good at basketball as being in front of a webcam.

So in conclusion, I feel pretty good about this season! *Knock on wood* We have the same starting five that has arguably dominated the NBA the past two seasons, kept our important role players, and have a bench that includes 3 starters from last year (Rasheed, Daniels, and Big Baby when he returns in 6-8 weeks and im going to resist the urge to make an obvious pun) one of which is an All-Star. The bench is what I think the difference maker was in the win against Cleveland. Not many NBA stars can play 45 min per game anymore like in the 'Ye Olde NBA' so depth plays a huge role. I think the Celtics' bench is as big of a weapon as the NBA refs making sure you cover the point spread. Did I just say that...whoops!

At the start of the home opener, the light show thats albeit awesome but Red Auerbach might roll over in his grave if he saw it started with 'We Reloaded. Now Its Your Turn. Are You Ready?' I think the 2009-2010 Celtics has more weapons than the team that won Banner #17, and I am ready!

You stay classy Boston, I'm DennyP?


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

There's only one George Lopez

- "Who wants ice cream after the game??" -

Current Standing: 5-2, 3rd Overall

Before we embark on the crapfest that's going to be my World Series prediction, I'm going to toot my own horn here (pause) and point out that I really did a good job in the AL playoff post. Only one game off for all three series! Just goes to show, every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

But now I have to talk about the National League, and I have no desire to and no knowledge. I know, it's never stopped me before. But maybe I'm just bitter that the Yankees outbid the Red Sox in the eBay auction that is the offseason, winding up with the coveted item that is the American League pennant, bolstered by the free shipping that is the AL's All-Star Game-based home field advantage, not to mention the positive feedback of multiple individual awards.


All right, fine. In the interest of completeness, here's what I expect over the next seven games (if necessary).
  • Someone will make a huge deal out of the fact the Phillies took two of three from the Yankees in May. Someone will be very, very wrong.
  • Tim McCarver will make an ass of himself, and sabermetric-minded baseball fans will shed a single tear as they realize Fire Joe Morgan is down.
  • Yankee fans will endlessly chant, "Who's Your Daddy?", when Pedro Martinez takes the mound for Game 2. No one will think to dress as Don Zimmer.
  • Alex Rodriguez will be beloved by Yankee fans throughout the series for his play thus far in the playoffs, but will be back to the familiar scapegoat role if they lose, and probably hated again by March anyway. Nothing he does on the field will affect this.
  • The Phillies will get screwed over by the whole "not-having-a-real-DH" thing at least once. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding changes in the offseason. There will be none.
  • At least one game will be decided by a blown call. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding more instant replay in the offseason. There will be none.
  • Said call will favor the Yankees. It just will. Accept it. The sun will rise in the east, the tide will ebb and flow, Palestinians and Israelis will hate each other, TBS will endlessly rerun the same terrible commercials for their crappy shows, Joe Buck will engender hatred, and the Yankees will get the breaks in the postseason. It's how the world works.
  • An exorbitant number of home runs will be hit in Yankee Stadium. (Luis Castillo will be in position to catch one, and drop it.) At least one game will feature more than 20 runs.
  • The Yankees will win 4-1, much to the disappointment of everyone outside the Tri-State area, especially those who wanted a competitive series. Meanwhile, some fourth-grader in Ossining will hand in an essay entitled, "Now I Can Die in Peace".


Insert Cleat to Mouth

-Psst. You know I'm a public forum right?-

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Well, it looks like my team will be going through even more changes than expected this week. Not only was it announced today that TE Chris Cooley is out for the season, but now RB Larry Johnson has been barred by the Chiefs from any further activity with the team. Why? Because he used Twitter to insult his coach, Todd Haley. That's it? Oh, and gays too. There you go.

A quick visit to Johnson's twitter page reveals that he does protect who can see his tweets, but c'mon, Larry. It takes a pretty big jackass to cook this up. This isn't some moment-of-anger outburst, you took the time to type this up. And what, none of your 2,313 followers are going to notice?

As a fantasy owner, I ain't exactly devastated. Larry Johnson has sucked pretty hard this year, with only one week breaking the double digit line. But it's just getting to the point where I need to fill positions. Westbrook, questionable. Cooley, out. Johnson, out. Wayne, questionable. W. T. F. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on the waiver wire. I hear there are some straws to grasp.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Week 7 Recap: Tables Turning?

-Yeah, you! Let's get with the freakin' program, shall we?-

It only took half of the fantasy football season, but finally our two authors are locked in mortal combat with close records. Cole has thus far had the lion's share of wins, but after RWPilk's narrow victory this week, only one "w" separates them! How could this be? And why would anyone abbreviate a one syllable word with a three syllable initial? Before a sissy slapping session breaks out, let's go to them now for the gory, gory details!

Current Standing: 5-2, 4th Overall

Let's take a mystery player now. Said mystery player accumulated 34 rushing yards with a touchdown, and 115 receiving yards with a touchdown. That's a pretty good week, right? You'd pick up that receiver; he's clearly an integral part of his team's offense.

Well, rush to your waiver wires and see if JerReggieMatt Olson-BreastBowe is available. Because that was the output of SIX players for me this week. Six.

Needless to say, I lost, despite my opponent having a week so bad he's contemplating honor suicide. Fortunately for you, dear reader(s), I have no honor, so I will continue blogging.

But I'm not all brickbats and profanities this week. As it turns out, every other team in my division lost as well, so I still have a three-game league with seven weeks until the playoffs. And Chris Johnson and Ray Rice will be coming off byes, as is runner-up bust of the year Calvin Johnson. Between these three guys, I should be able to put up enough offense to at least have a respectable game against the league leader...right?

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Dear WR Miles Austin,

I know you won't be this good every week. But welcome aboard anyway and thanks for not making me look like a complete idiot. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear your predecessor, T.O., scoring less than 5 points.


Phew. I won by a single point this week. And while I'm happy to now have a competitive, winning record against Cole, I'd be lying if my future looked bright. Last night in MNF, BOTH TE Cooley and Westbrook (surprise!) were hurt, as was WR Reggie Wayne. And I'm still in 7th overall; my division is tough. I'll also be on the waiver wire for some small potatoes players and forced to keep RBs Bradshaw and Johnson in (5 point total this week). Good God. If I wasn't hanging on for dear life to the few decent players I do have, I'd consider a trade. Instead, you may just find me in a Sunday afternoon fetal position in front of the TV, praying.

And I never pray.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Week 7 Preview: Sweet Home Chicago

- Is it live, or is it that huge-ass Jumbotron? -

And we hit the halfway mark. Week 7. And as the season marches on and Cole and RWPilk's records grow more competitive, whose fantasy sports theory will prove supreme?! -thunder crashes- Eh, we won't know for a while, but we like to say things and scary voices. Let's go to these two knuckleheads now for the rundown.

Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I don't even want to talk about this upcoming week. After three solid games in a row, I'm being decimated by bye weeks. Chris Johnson and Ray Rice take a breather, and my running back options are now Matt "Khan" Forte, Reggie Bush, and Jamal Lewis. I will now slam my head in the oven door repeatedly. With the gas on. I blame this on the fact that I constantly bragged about how deep I was at running back earlier in the season.

Seven weeks out, my first few picks were a debacle. There's Khan, of course, my first rounder, who has less points than any first round pick ... except Darren McFadden. Chris Johnson was a solid second-rounder, but I followed him with Calvin Johnson, one pick before Reggie Wayne and two before Marques Colston. Granted, both players were on my team last year and tortured me constantly, but missing Wayne was a huge mistake. And then, in round five, needing a quarterback, I decided that Donovan McNabb would be a safer pick than Matt Schaub. Let's ignore the fact that Ben Roethlisberger, with twice the points of McNabb, was still on the board, and I flat-out dismissed him. No, let's talk about which quarterback has the most fantasy points through six weeks. Hint: he plays in Texas, and not in a Cowboys uniform.

I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm a terrible drafter. It's impossible to make accurate predictions of the future in any field. Look at the quotes of Bill Gates scoffing at the Internet or Dr. Seuss' boatloads of rejection letters. But let's not get all philosophical here. Let's talk football.

In 2006, the top three consensus picks were Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart. When New Orleans "earned" the second pick, the debate in the Crescent City revolved around which quarterback would replace Aaron Brooks. When the Houston Texans introduced the world to Mario Williams, they were universally excoriated for the pick. How could they pass up the playmaking capability of Reggie Bush? How could they ignore the hometown hero, Vince Young?

Flash forward three years, with the caveat that all four players still have a lot of time to cement their legacy and so forth. Bush (who, it turns out, practically took a pay cut to join the NFL) is the third-down back, behind two undrafted free agents. And Young suffered a near-breakdown last year, leaving his coach so underwhelmed that he rides the bench for an 0-6 game. Even when down 52 points. Don't forget Matt Leinart, who's started a grand sum total of 16 games in three plus years, currently holding a clipboard behind a 40-year-old full of question marks. And Williams? He's only coming off his first Pro Bowl appearance and second straight season with 12 or more sacks. So don't laugh too hard at Darius Heyward-Bey, because you never know.

Okay, yeah, I guess sometimes you do. Ha ha.

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

Another week of cautious optimism. Drew Brees and my Packers DST seem to be back into the swing of things. RB Brian “M*A*S*H Unit” Westbrook is still healthy and producing. RB Bradshaw is exceeding recent expectations. RB Larry Johnson had a half-way decent Week 6. Colts WR Reggie Wayne is back from his bye. And Neil Rackers is... still my kicker.

My dark horse this week is recent T.O. trade acquisition WR Miles Austin from Dallas. (That's funny, I once knew an Orlando from Miami). All eyes are on you, new guy. I'm a little concerned I have to rely on Tony Romo a little. Every time I glance at a Dallas game this guy looks like a deer in headlights. Or maybe it's just that big honkin' screen. Either way, get with the program, T-Bone.

I want more than a win this week though. I want Cole to lose. Bad. Look at'im. Scroll up and take a look at this smug 5-1 bastard. Somebody take him down. Somebody. Isn't McNabb due for another injury or something. C'mon.

Ah, I love the smell of HTML in the morning.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Never Mind the Buccos

- Or, as he's known in England, Pat the Traitor from the Colonies -

Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

My knowledge of England is based on James Bond, Monty Python, and the occasional Premier League match on ESPN. So if I manage to insult the three London visitors Google Analytics reports, then appy polly loggies, O my brothers.

And further apologies are in order for sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond. I mean, you guys are supposed to be our friends, and I think the Geneva Convention bans the use of Bucs game footage in Guantanamo. It's going to be vile, I promise. I don't know what genius decided to send these guys as ambassadors for the sport; they haven't been a power in the league since at least 2005. Even if the Pats missed the playoffs last year, they're only one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance.

Man, actually, all these matchups have pretty disappointing, huh. Last year pitted the Saints (who finished 8-8) against the Chargers (who finished 8-8). The year before that, the Dolphins masqueraded as a professional football team, with some dude named Cleo Lemon as quarterback. They finished the season 1-15 and were so abysmal offensively that their next coach decided, "the hell with this," and reinvented the Wildcat. THAT would've been fun to watch. A game with 23 total points and less than 500 total yards of offense? Blimey.

The only quantum of solace I can find in this matchup is the fact that the Patriots will almost certainly beat the living daylights out of the Bucs. Bill Belichick is a worthy villain, with no sense of sportsmanship or decency, who won't think twice about humiliating Tampa Bay. Hanging 59 on the Titans? That's nothing. At least the Titans had some talent on paper; the Buccaneers are going to get steamrolled.

The last two games in Wembley Stadium were decided by less than a touchdown. Don't expect that this week, folks. Do expect big numbers for the Pats and, if I were you, I'd start demanding better teams for next year now.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Shut Out, But Not Shutting Down

-Sadly, this is the Titans' best QB option.-

Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I've been inspired by Pilk's beating of the Redskins' dead horse (pause?). Clearly, Jim Zorn = not a good coach. Let's talk about Manly Men, who Coach the Right Way and Know How To Play the Game. Let's talk about Jeff Fisher.

Yes, that Jeff Fisher. Sure, his team quit on him, and yes, his Titans gave up 1.5 points per minute to the Patriots in the first half*. And yeah, he's belittled and snubbed Vince Young so much** that Reggie Bush is sending him thank you cards for ensuring Bush wasn't the biggest bust in the 2006 draft. And sure, he even found a way to piss off the entire fan base by wearing a Peyton Manning jersey while introducing former Colts coach Tony Dungy, and then quipping, "I just wanted to feel like a winner."

Well then.

But Titans fans can take cold (very cold) comfort in the fact that Fisher doesn't kick worthless field goals. Fisher could've avoided the ignominy of all that "worst shutout since 1976" talk midway through the third quarter, when a 48-yard Chris Johnson run put the ball on the Pats' 17 yard line. But when the inevitable fourth down rolled around, did Rob Bironas get called onto the field? No way. Fisher challenged his offense to put points on the board the hard way, even though (by this point) his offense had established that tying their collective shoes might pose a challenge. And Fisher was still going for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter; it's not entirely his fault Javon Ringer fumbled after picking up the first down.

There are crappy coaches out there, sure. Take Steve Spagnuolo of the Rams: down three on the road, St. Louis reached the Jaguars' nine with 15 seconds to go and one time out left, only to kick a field goal (on third down!) to send the game into overtime. Steve, you know there's a good chance you won't even get the ball in the extra period. This is your best chance to avoid Rod Marinelli-level infamy: go for it! Make it more interesting for the 14 fans in attendance.

My point is that, even though Fisher will most likely be fired at the end of the season, don't expect him to spend a long time out of football. He knows his stuff, he's won before, and he knows better than to look this stupid.

*-Seriously. Wow. Just look at that number for a minute. The Patriots scored more points in the first half than every other NFL team scored in 60 minutes (Saints excepted). Who does that?!
**-I for one thought Vince Young should've started the second half under center, but when you finally do come in and your first throw is a pick, your second one could've easily been a pick, and you fumble a snap ... you don't do many favors for yourself.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Step Aside, Doofus

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

We pause for a moment now to witness some public humiliation. Pass the popcorn.

Above is a video from ESPN on Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn's latest press conference. The Redskins' front office, concerned with the season so far (and last season), have stripped away Zorn's play-calling authority and handed it over to some johnny-come-lately whippersnapper Sherman Lewis.

Alright, so Zorn's play calling hasn't landed the Redskins in the end zone in a home game all season. And they're 2-4. And the team is rarely in contention for anything. It ain't pretty. Zorn can be seen above taking it like a man and happy to have the privilege of deciding other key factors, like whether or not to go for it on forth down (don't), what to call for overtime flips (tails), and what the official team pie is (rhubarb).

Still, Washington front office, have you ever heard of the Rams? Or, my God, the Titans?! What 1 o'clock game were you gents watching Sunday? When Zorn pilots a 0-5 record and lands himself ass-first into a 59-0 loss, then you're allowed to start worrying and turn him into a headset-wearing figurehead. Until then, you're just a Negative Nancy.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Week 6 Recap: the Skin of our Teeth

-Where the wild things are: Baltimore-

Week 6! Oh, glorious, glorious Week 6! How you leave us wondering how MNF will treat us. Both Cole and RWPilk are embroiled in close(ish) match-ups, victory hanging in the balance! Will Pilk's record start the hearty climb towards Cole's winning streak? Will Cole pull off a narrow escape to victory? Will Cole buy Pilk beer out of the warm kindness of his heart!? This, and much more below!

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

As I wait with bated breath on the performance of one Correll Buckhalter, I find myself praising the name of one Ray Rice, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by being the first running back to score a touchdown against the Vikings in forever. And no, Jim, you can't have him for Thomas Jones.

I also find myself cursing the name, Wrath of Khan-style, of Matt Forte, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by fumbling on second down from the one, recovering, and then fumbling on third down from the one and not recovering. No touchdown, minus two points for the lost fumble, things thrown, and Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth got to have a nice little conversation about how he never ever fumbles. Henceforth, he shall be known as Matt "Khan" Forte. It's that level of frustration. Donovan McNabb gets a pass (sorry) for this week because of his stella stellar performance last week.

Meanwhile, back at the wrench, what the hell is going on in the NFL? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. Aside from the Raiders game, crappy team after crappy team outshone expectations ... or at least covered the spread. We've figured out by now the Titans are indeed horrifying, but 45 points? In one half? And I enjoyed watching the Saints bludgeon the Giants, but I'm not going to talk about them for fear I might jinx them. This is after I tweeted, "Hey, Tulane's beating 23rd-ranked Houston!" and the Green Wave turned a three-point lead into a 28-point embarrassment. So for you, Ted, I say only that certain teams were really fun to watch this weekend. Not to mention any names, but whatever team it was, it certainly looked like a force to be reckoned with come playoff time.

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Alright. Mr. Brees? I'm sorry I doubted you. Let's leave it at that.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I gotta 17 point lead going into tonight with Brandon Marshall still to play (against an opposing Denver kicker). I'm glad to report that some of my strategic moves worked out this week. STL WR Avery got hurt Sunday, but found the end zone before doing so, making the sting of Reggie Wayne's bye week that much milder. My waiver wire gamble, PHI WR Maclin, ended up being a bust (as was all of Philly's effort, c'mon McNabb, Oakland!?). My T.O. trade (my first ever!) for DAL WR Austin went through, so we'll see how that works out next week when I pair him with Wayne.

Barring any catastrophes, I'll end up 3-3. Not great. But getting there.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Week 6 Preview: QB, or not QB

-Another fantasy scenario?-

And here it is. Week 6. Almost at the fantasy season halfway point. What have we learned? Never run with scissors. Or with Chris Cooley, he'll only bring you backwards. Rex Ryan doesn't want to be fed, Rex Ryan wants to hunt. And lastly, and more importantly, always respect personal space, even if there's taunting involved. Let's go Cole and RWPilk now for the forecast.

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Like that caption? That's a double pun, dammit. Laugh.

I don't want to complain about Brees' cooled off numbers anymore, but I'm in a QB pickle: Brees vs Giants, or Garrard vs Rams. The RAMS! Two wildly inconsistent players facing two teams on the opposite end of the of suck meter. I may just flip a coin. My team is also going through some other changes. St. Louis' WR Avery is in for now... As is Phi WR Maclin, a waiver wire pickup. On top of that, NYG RB Bradshaw hasn't been practicing this week, with KC RB Larry "Oreck challenge" Johnson on my bench. I also got a WR trade that my or may not go through (T.O. for the Cowboys' Austin). It looks like my line up will probably have to set Sunday at quarter of 1pm. Oh, happy day.

I knew this is going to be a tough week. There have been signs. I woke from a bizarre dream the other night where I was in some kind of frat with Peyton Manning. Seriously. And he was like this miserable, dorky sophomore guy who was trying to show me the ropes and how to respect the seniors. And every time I turned around he was ironing his pants. Pair after pair. Lord, what does it mean!? Garrard or Brees! Why pants?! What do they mean?! Whyyyyy!!!

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

I -- wait, what? Pants?

Jesus, man, pull it together. Sounds like someone needs a priceless pep talk.

Huh. I guess MasterCard doesn't have one prerecorded for "weird dreams involving a pantsless Peyton Manning". Poor planning really.

Well, if that doesn't do it for you, there's plenty of high-quality real football available. Look at that 1:00 slate! The undefeated Giants and the undefeated Saints!* And if you don't like that, how about the Battle for the Purple: Ravens at Vikings. That, my friends, is truly going to be some sweet Flacco action. The Sunday night game features two 3-1 teams with excellent running backs, and the Monday night game features those excellent Broncos throwbacks.

That Vikes-Ravens game is going to be interesting: two quality defenses match up against two surprisingly good offenses. Can F**** continue his "ageless wonder" routine? Or will Joe Flacco and Ray Rice stop Jared Allen and a pass rush that humiliated the Packers two weeks ago? Getcha popcorn ready. I'm picking Vikings (-2.5); that defense looks brutal, and I haven't even mentioned Adrian Peterson.

* - The first time the Saints have hosted the Giants since 2005, when the refugee Saints were the designated home team in a game at Giants Stadium. Yeah, you thought we forgot about that. Screw you too, NFL.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Liberal Guys to NFL: Pass on Rush

-That a... throwback tie, Rush?-

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th overall

There's always one weird sports headline every week that makes me double take and shoot PBR out of my nose. This week it's this one over at ESPN. I usually have to dive out the nearest exit when some pundit gets in front of a camera and starts yankin' themselves over one thing or another, but this story is going for a trifecta! Limbaugh! Sharpton! Jackson! Let's read on!

Apparently, red-state blow-hard Rush Limbaugh is some kinda football aficionado and wants to buy the Rams. Well, not that great of an aficionado; the Rams are 0-5. But whatever, he made a bid. Enter liberal idiots Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson. They want to meet with the NFL commissioner about blocking Limbaugh's bid, calling him racist (surprise!) and "anti-NFL". When reached for comment, Spike Lee is quoted saying "Cracker-ass cracker."

Rush calls the whole attempt at cock-blocking his sensual tango with the Rams "Sad"... but clearly forgets that there is a well documented history of his racism and... anti-NFLness. Documented on his own site even. ESPN points out that his website archives a 2007 show that calls the NFL a fight between the blood vs crypts and ends with "There, I said it." Bravo, Rush. Perhaps Rush also forgets that he "resigned" from a ESPN pregame spot in 2003 for making the case that Donovan McNabb's popularity was a result of NFL affirmative action.

Does anyone really care who owns what team? And what exactly is Rush gonna try and do anyway, turn the Rams into this? That ain't no way to improve 0-5, Rush.

Sweet, Sweet Updated Action: So, it seems that PFT is reporting that today NFL Commish Roger Goodell commented that "decisive comments" are not welcome in the National Football League when asked about Limbaugh's bid for Ram's ownership. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PR talk for "No freaking way!"

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Fackin' Fall Cleaning

-Ahhh, more like Red Sux, am I right? High five? Anyone?-

Memo to Ben Affleck: you'll have to find a new place to sit down until April '10. The '09 Sox season has ended. And other than being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk are also Fenway fans. There's no doubt that their beloved dirt dogs were not themselves this year and if Sox are going to crank it up in 2010, it's time to clean house a bit. Let's go to our authors now for who THEY'D fakin' cut if they were friggin' Tito and Theo. Eh? Wicked cool.


Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

Today we gather together to mourn the loss of Jason Varitek's baseball career.

Oh, sure, we all saw the signs years ago. When his OPS fell off a cliff last year, Red Sox fans stuck by him. "His bat may have deteriorated," we admitted, "but at least he plays great defense." And when his defense started slipping this season, we all shifted uncomfortably and talked about how well he handled the pitching staff. Except that as soon as we traded for Victor Martinez, we realized that, hey, maybe it's not so hard to tell Josh Beckett to throw strikes after all.

The worst part of the Varitek debacle, other than the uncomfortable realization that a long-time fan favorite has completely lost the ability to play baseball, is the fact that the Red Sox will probably have to pay him next year. A quick look at his contract shows that Varitek signed a one-year deal over the previous winter, with a club option for 2010. The front office, I'm sure, would rather make Opening Day tickets free than to pay Varitek another $5 million*, but the problem is that Varitek also has a player option for $3 million dollars, which he's probably exercised already.

As sad as it is to say, I don't think we can afford to keep El Capitan around next year. Maybe the best things for all parties would be to trade him to some magical land where ancient ballplayers live on forever and ever someone in the National League.

* - It works out to about the same amount of money, actually. Give or take.

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'd classify myself as a "moderate" Sox fan, but even I gotta say, it was pretty miserable watching these guys this year. With injuries, the "breaks" and "rests" for players like Varitek and Drew, Big Papi-gate, and ever rotating roster of farm players made '09 one big blah porridge with a capital "B". No consistency, no fan favorites, and no results. Here's who needs to pack their bags:

1. Mike Lowell (3B) - A no-brainer. We've already had the cheap shots about his hip injury and how old is this guy anyway and blah blah blah. But the truth is he's too old and out too often to put up any valuable numbers. Whether he was MVP of 2007 or 1907 (ahh, had to get one more in there), he's just gotta go. Don't worry, he's got those giant eye brows to curl up with at night.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP) - Dice-K, you're consistently bad, wicked expensive, and worst of all, a category 5 snore fest. Wanna know how to spot a Dice-K game? Is it like 5 hours long? Boom. There you go. If you're crammed into a Fenway seat and can read War & Peace in between pitches, there's an issue. Luckily, the numbers support me. Worst of all, he whines about American training vs Japanese. Logan is on the Blue Line, buddy.

3. Dennis Eckersley (Commentator) - Thank gawd RemDog is better. I can't take anymore of this guy. It ain't even the stinky cheese. Or the sneaky cheese. Or the holy cheese (swiss?). Or the Farrah Faucet haircut. Dollars to donuts, this guy is just a biased doofus. He says things that any idiot in a Boston bar is saying while cradling a Sam Adams. "Thank God!" is not an appropriate response to fortunate outfield bounce in the Sox favor, genius. Nor is it okay to say "masturbate" and "shit" on live television (thanks, Nick). And in one game, too. Remy got well just in time. Don Orsillo's makeshift announcer's box noose of his own hair was getting pretty close to completion there. It took a while too. Not a lot of hair there.


Week 5 Recap: Can you spare a QB? Please?

-Insert Curly noise.-

Alright, Week 5. Go on, get out of here. You made your point... even though Cole and RWPilk will probably end up with wins after Monday night, you proved yourself a wicked mistress. Full of miserable games (Buffalo and Cleveland, Jacksonville and Seattle) and some unexpected duds (QB Garrard, WR C. Johnson, etc.), all you left us with is some unreturned phone calls and that burning sensation. Let's go to our two heroes now for the skinny!

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

It's hard to really complain too much when you win -- wait, what was that, RW?

Okay, so maybe not. Regardless, I'm just overjoyed that Donovan McNabb is back and leading the Eagles through their three-week goodwill tour of local high school teams. With the three he threw for yesterday, he's now scored six touchdowns and 52 points in just two games. I'm impressed. Speaking of injury replacements, a sincere "thank you" to Glen Coffee, who posted double digits in both of his fill-in starts and will immediately return to the magical land of The Bench.

There were some terrible games this week: not only cupcake matchups that make LSU-ULL look like a nailbiter, but ugly games between godawful teams that no one without a fantasy team should have to suffer through. Suggestion to Roger Goodell: Next time this happens, just have the coaches play it out on Madden 10 or something; you could save a lot of money and reduce your carbon footprint, whatever the hell that means.

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Someone please tell me, is there a special club or something I need to join to get a decent score out of a quarterback? A form I need to fill out? Some kind of square-headed god I need to pray to? Tell me. Because I'll do it. I'll do it right now.

Coming off a hot, 31-point week last week, Jacksonville's David Garrard got SHUT OUT by the Seahawks and had the stats to put up three points. Three. And that's with two fumbles. My god, I'm some kind of QB black hole. I'm back to Drew Brees in Week 6.

This week, however, I'm glad to point out that I actually made a suave strategic move that helped my team. I played matchmaker with some waiver wire defenses, picked up the Bills vs Browns and got 17 points out the deal, my biggest defensive score of the season. Alright, alright. Not too shabby. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this thing here.


Friday, October 9, 2009

Week 5 Preview: Hello, Goodbye

-Return of the Bed Guy.-

Five weeks have already passed and a wide deficit gapes between our authors. But who knows how the chips will fall with Week 5? Both Cole and RWPilk are getting valuable players back from injuries and face some crucial bye weeks. So let the speculation and yo mama jokes fly. It's Week 5. 'Nuff said. And don't forget to check out our MLB Playoff Poll to your right!


Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

After two months, still not 100 percent sure I can run a sports blog, but "yo mama" jokes? Those I can handle. Yo mama's so old her sex tape is on Laserdisc! Oh whoops. After review, Pilk's playing against his mother this week so the ruling on the yo mama jokes has been overturned. Common decency will not be charged with a timeout.

Fine, back to football. We're just into that awkward bye week portion of the schedule, where everyone gets screwed over a couple of times by star players on the bench. This week my opponent (Pilk's dad, in a caramel-covered piece of syrupy sweet irony) is forced to sit Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, while your humble narrator gets Donovan McNabb back for at least the first eight minutes of Sunday's blowout vs. Tampa (too soon, Pats fans?).

I can't decide if I'm excited about this matchup or not: I get my final week out of Glen Coffee before Frank Gore returns to the scene, and Dwayne Bowe returns to mediocrity. Which reminds me, how many football players are aware of the fact they have more impact in fantasy football than in the NFL? I have players from the Titans, the Lions, the Chiefs, none of those teams are going anywhere. If you're Larry Johnson and you break a long run, do you dive for the pylon like in a video game and deliberately miss, just to see if you can hear hundreds of owners collectively scream until they have aneurysms? Do you fake injuries all week so everyone sits you, and then play at full speed on Sunday? It's a long season for these guys, they gotta do something other than watch film and not everyone tweets. Just something to consider.

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'll be blunt with you, folks. I need a win this week.

There's just no two ways around it. Looking at my roster, I do have a little hope. For one thing, Brian Westbrook is back, and, if practice is any indication, at 100%. Great. It's still up in the air whether or not Larry Johnson or Ahmad Bradshaw will fill my second slot... but neither are really sterling choices. My other big move this week (on the Packers DST bye) was picking up the Bills D for their match up against the Browns. Call me crazy, but I like that move, and it's certainly better than playing my former bench D, the Seahawks. Gross.

The other big change is QB David Garrard, in for Drew Brees on his bye. Garrard had a big week last week and is now facing Seattle in Week 5. Not too shabby. I go forth with cautious optimism. That and a deep yearning that Cole bites it Sunday. Is that too much to ask, Jesus?


A Case for Brandon Marshall

-It's an orange bird! An orange plane! It's the most talented Denver Bronco!-

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th overall

It seems like only yesterday that I received an urgent text from the Colebagel: "Manny traded to the Dodgers." It was quickly followed by an angry volume-distorted phone call. How could this be? More than an eccentric, devil-may-care fan favorite on the Sox line-up, Ramirez was a natural talent. Even when it appeared he was half-assing it, he was hitting home runs. Steroid discussions aside, this was the case. Manny's bat was literally the backbone of Sox wins (and Ortiz's was probably... I dunno, a right femur). And he was traded. Why?

A "bad attitude".

Manny could be volatile. He pushed some agent once. He angered teammates by clearly not putting in 100% all the time. He clashed with Theo "franchise player, my ass" Epstein over his contract. Alright. He was a hand full. He was simultaneously known as one of baseball's greatest players and one of baseball's biggest SOBs. But, as Cole and I wondered (and I'm guessing a good chunk of Sox fan are still wondering), if you can do something singular, something fantastic, shouldn't that be a factor in evaluating a player's conflict with my-way-or-the-highway management?

Welcome to the Brandon Marshall story. Don't get me wrong, this is not a manifesto defending every me-first multi-millionaire jackass that bitches their whole life about playing a game for a living. No. Rather, let's call it an overview of why when this happened Sunday, an entire nfl audience wondered "where the hell has this guy been?"

It's been widely publicized, but here's a quick run down: Marshall, already a big time WR, or at least largely hyped, was nearly suspended by Broncos coach Josh McDaniels for a bad attitude during training camp. Apparently, Marshall was not happy with his contract. At the time of this blog's fantasy draft, Marshall's digital self was flagged as a huge risk. He and the coaches hate each other. Will he play often? Will he play hard? No one knew.

The flag was well deserved. Marshall barely registered for two weeks with a combined 6 fantasy points (7 total receptions [yeah, Pilk can cite stats too]), and no end zone frolicking. When McDaniels was asked where his star player was, he stated "there are a lot of guys on our team who deserve to play." And, for anyone paying attention, your BS detector should now be going off.

As fans of Coors Light know, in professional sports you play to win the game. Of course every player on the team deserves to play, but not all of them are optimal options to be a positive factor in actual game play. And some are better than others, and that is valued in the NFL system. Salaries prove that. So when Marshall, clearly an optimal choice, is on the bench, it looks a little fishy. Like "hissy fit sour grapes over smart winning strategy" fishy.

None of us lowly fans are gonna sit here and make the Devil's advocate argument about the pressures of celebrity to explain questionable behavior. (commanding millions of dollars in a highly competitive field, the immense pressure, yada, yada, yada). I accept that Marshall was a jerk in the preseason. I get it. Fine him. Slap his wrist. Hell, make him doubt that if he'll actually play. But when any given Sunday rolls around... you play him. Right?! You play any player with this talent. Unfortunately, the Bronco's record doesn't reflect any bonehead justice, they're 4-0. But in a notoriously short season, where every game counts, why risk it? You play your best players. Period. I mean, I know I'm new here, but I thought this was the case. Professional sports. Right? Am I on the wrong floor?

It appears there is a happy ending for Marshall, McDaniels and the Broncos (or at least happier than Manny vs Epstein, but, hey, we like you, J-Bay). Everyone is abuzz about Marshall's sweet play this Sunday and, as you can see at the end of the video, he and McDaniels hugged it out. Apparently, McDaniels has had nothing but praise for the guy he had to scare the crap out of before giving him a few plays per game. As my league's Marshall owner, yeah, I wish Josh and the Broncos organization found another way. But these are the politics of professional sports, as you sports people are telling me, and as I should learn to see, I suppose. It doesn't make sense to me, but hey, neither does this.

Welcome back, Brandon? I hope? And smooth move, McDaniels. Let's all try and get along, play nice, all that. And most certainly win.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Oh, you syrup-dipped dandies

-Baby Roy flattening Nadeau into-- into a... a crepe.-

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th overall

That's right, screw it! A hockey post!

Quite frankly, I didn't even know that the NHL season just kicked off until my buddy Nick put it on with Cole and I last week. I know nothing about hockey... last hockey I saw was when the Providence Bruins went all the way in '99 to when to win the sterling silver maple leaf oscar cup, or whatever the hell it was. Still, it's the only major (term used loosely) American sport we've yet to write on, so here we go.

People say that watching hockey for the fights is like watching Nascar for the crashes (it is) and that doing either is wrong (it ain't). The NHL name Patrick Roy is vaguely familiar, and now his son's famous... for stomping the crap out of opposing goalie Bobby Nadeau in some junior league nonsense. I almost breezed by all this Canadian stuff, but then read some impressive facts about the situation:

First of all, Roy is a goalie. Nadeau is a goalie. That means Roy traveled the length of the rink to smash this guy. You think charging the mound is trip? Is there penalty for maniac, bloodthirsty, Braveheart-length sprints to rough up a fellow player? Oh yeah... I guess there is: arrest.

The beating was so bad that Roy was arrested, and plead guilty yesterday in a Quebec court. Now that's a goddamn penalty right there. Bam! The incident was so disturbing to the hockey community (and thus, apparently, Canadian society) that politicians and the prime minister have weighed in on the havoc. I'm officially frightened.

Dear Canada, please forgive me for everything I've said about you implying you were soft, wimpy, or unwilling to force your imperial influence over third-world societies. You were always my favorite continental neighbor ($9 for a Corona, Mexico!? C'mon!). And don't kill me. Please.

And that concludes our first hockey post! Next week: NASCAR and left-turn blinker jokes!

The Hunt for Red Soxtober

-Celebrating the right to get swept by the Yankees-

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

No self-professed sports blog would be complete without discussing the MLB playoffs, at the very least to discuss how boring baseball is. But, as you've probably guessed by now, I'm a big baseball fan. So as the Sox take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Who Previously Used the Geographic Moniker "California", I'll be wearing my lucky stirrups and hoping the hometown laundry team doesn't disappoint.

Because I am a pessimist by nature ("not cuz I hate ya"), I'm sick of all these uplifting previews talking about what a treat Nick F***ing Punto is to watch (even if it is sarcastic). Instead, I'm going to run through the AL playoff participants and talk about the biggest question marks they face over the next few weeks, in inverse order of record.

Minnesota (AL Central, 87-76): Fatigue - While everyone else in the AL hasn't had to play a meaningful game since Labor Day, the Twins had to scrap and claw their way back just to force the one-game playoff with the Tigers. On Sept. 6, Minnesota was seven games off the AL Central lead. Adding insult to injury, Detroit took 12 innings to concede the division in the tiebreaker Tuesday night, as eight pitchers took the Metrodome mound for the home team. Now the Twins have to face a rested Yankees team that won all seven of the teams' contests by a combined score of 41-25.

Boston (AL Wild Card, 95-67): Inconsistency - Somewhere, the ghosts of Fire Joe Morgan cringed. Perhaps "inconsistency" really isn't the right word, as the Red Sox consistently beat up on crappy teams (i.e. a 16-2 record against Baltimore), and consistently disappointed against quality opponents (i.e. losing season series to the Rangers, Angels, and Mariners, and splitting with the Rays and Yankees). The high hopes the team carried into the season -- seemingly justified with their 47-30 record after three months -- were dashed with a disappointing July against a soft schedule and a slow fade into second place. It's hard for a 95-win team making its sixth playoff appearance in the past seven years to be labeled "disappointing," but people outside New England predicted 100 wins for the Sox with a straight face. Boston's high-priced stars will need to show signs of life like they did in the spring, or winter will arrive a lot sooner than expected for Fenway.

Los Angeles (AL West, 97-65): Pitching - Don't talk about the fact that the Red Sox have won 12 of their last 13 against the Angels, dating back to Dave Henderson's homer in 1986. Boston is playing this year's squad, not those other ones, and this year's model has the offensive firepower to keep up. Mike Scioscia's clubs have always been among the league leaders in stolen bases, and this year the team is near the top in OPS as well, right up there with Boston and New York. Where the team hovers around league average, however, is pitching. Choose any stat you want -- ERA, strikeouts, WHIP, whatever -- and LA is right smack dab in the middle of the pack. Can Weaver, Saunders, and Lackey shut down the Boston bats? Is the back of the pen solid? If these questions can't be answered, the Angels better pack their lumber if they want to advance.

New York (AL East, 103-59): Expectations - This one was tough, as (hard as it is to admit) the Yankees are far and away the class of the American League. Tops in hitting, tops in pitching, even defensively by some measures, the Yankees will be tough to beat. Unless...

Well, CC Sabathia has imploded in the last few playoff series. And A-Rod is famously batting .143 in his last 16 playoff games. And Mark Teixiera struggled under the bright lights when he first arrived in New York. And even Captain Calm Eyes McGee has appeared unnervingly human in the last few postseasons. The Steinbrenners need their superstars to play like superstars when it matters most, but that's probably their biggest obstacle between here and the World Series.

LAA over BOS, 3-1
NYY over MIN, 3-0
NYY over LAA, 4-2

Part 2, on the National League, will be posted as soon as I learn some shit about the NL probably tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Week 4 Recap: And then there was 1. And 9.

-You magnificent bastard.-

And the battle of Week 4 is concluded. Blows were thrown. Saviors were forsaken. And victory was had. Despite all of Cole's nervous pacing and curmudgeon fist-shaking, he was able to stagger away from RWPilk's team and into first place. Four weeks in and the lines have been drawn... but there's still a lot of football left. What's the forecast? Perhaps our two authors know. Perhaps.

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

I for one would like to start by sending a small shout-out to Matt Forte, whose 37-yard touchdown scamper in garbage time was a dagger to Sweet Fancy Moses, which had been obnoxiously hanging around all afternoon. With two carries totaling 91 yards (not to mention his first score), Forte made me glad I picked him third overall. It also gave him 19 points, nearly doubling his season total for the third straight week. I've done some extrapolation, and let me tell you, those are some crunchy numbers. Suffice it to say by the league playoffs, Forte will have enough yardage to stretch from Chicago to Phoenix. With a stopover in Seattle.

And Brandon Marshall. I mean, whew. Thank God this was not a close game; I'd be willing to bet there were a lot of furious owners drinking themselves into oblivion after the Cowboys' defense lost the ability to tackle and gave Kyle Orton a second last-second touchdown. At this rate, Kardiak Kyle will make Brett Favre look like JaMarcus Russell.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just want to take it one game at a time. I'm just focusing on beating The Golden Boys next week. No, it doesn't mean anything that I didn't shake Rob's hand after the game. And I am NOT videotaping his roster selection. Sheesh.

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Oh, woe is me. Things are not going well in the "Sweet Fancy Moses" camp. As you can tell, I lost. I'm now 1-3 with the season 1/4 over. There's still time, but this is a hole people. And if things are gonna get back to at least interesting, my record has to get competitive fast.

There's really only one big, glaring, air traffic controller-flagged failure in my roster this week: Drew f****** Brees. The hype machine is still rolling on Mr. Brees, as (when he comes back from his bye) is still a "must start" in all leagues. Two weeks in a row he's scored less than 10 points. Hell, less than 8. Everyone is telling me oh wow, what a great pick, Brees is gonna be the lead scorer by years end. When? It won't matter when I'm in 11th. These games count now. My must-sit RBs, that I had almost no choice but to play, scored just a point or two shy of "the best pick ever." Jacksonville's Garrard, on my bench, would have won the game for me in Brees' place. But such is the nature of fantasy sports. It's not that I ain't thankful for your 48 point Week 1, Drew. Is it possible to spread that around a little?

There are some other weak spots. My running game is hurtin', but Westbrook will be back next week (according to reports). And with some obligatory bye spots down, I can empty a few spots and look for some new players. Until then, the Sweet Fancy Moses, and my "hogwash" fantasy theory, is listed as "questionable" for Week 5.


Monday, October 5, 2009

Live Blog: MNF Packers vs Vikings!

-Are you ready for some embarrassment?!-

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm EST on ESPN

Welcome one and all! Sit back and bear witness to a fantasy football showdown: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blogging extravaganza! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!
Alright! Welcome one and all to SSFA!'s 2nd live blog! Come on in and warm yourself by the fire of burning football wreckage!

And for those that don't know, this was Cole and I's first and only match up week in our league And I'm sorry to say that, barring some kind of Green Bay D miracle tonight (40+ points) he will win. But more on that later. MNF is on Packers! Vikings! That Favre guy! Let's do it!

Aaaand Mike Tirico kicks off with hyperbole #1: "If you built a Mount Rushmore of Green Bay, B**** F**** would be on it." Sigh.

Who else would be on it? A dairy cow?

I dunno ... Vince Lombardi? Bart Starr? Curly Lambeau? Aaannd... yeah all right, fine. F****. Hyperbole continues, by the way. I'm pretty sure Adrian Peterson is not the best runner of all time after one full season.

Bryan, looking into the crowd, can we possibly quantify how many bad hats we're gonna see tonight? Cheese. Horns. This has gotta be the worst game to attend and actually sit behind someone.

Donald Lee with an athletic move, and the Pack is having some success with the short game on the first drive; they're already near the 50.

"He could play in space!" ...I don't know what that means, announcer man. And a fumble. Here we go Packers D! What are the chances of 17 sacks and 21 picks?

Welp, You-Know-Who is on the field now. For those of you playing the F**** drinking game, my condolences to your families, as you clearly won't survive this. Please note, by the way, F**** is working with Adrian Peterson, not vice versa. If this team succeeds, it's because Peterson runs over everyone. Or because F**** doesn't throw 90 picks.

Taunting! I don't get points for taunting, Packers! Jesus. Keep the pie holes shut and just sack, sack, sack.

Look on the bright side: one big hit, and the fate of the Vikings rests in the hands of one Tarvaris Jackson. Or Sage Rosenfels.

Ah, and there it is. He was wide open! What are you people doing!? Adrian Peterson! And, by the way, is it just me or does Favre look like a kid wearing his dad's clothes? That jersey is like Refrigerator Perry size! -rimshot- That's right folks, I just made a successful NFL joke. I know a little bit.

Nooo! Pilk! Ixnay on the intelligence. You'll blow our cover!

Actually I only know that because I know the a jeweler who worked for the company that produced the Superbowl rings that year for the Steelers. He said you could fit a dachshund in Perry's ring. A dachshund! Anyway. Awesome play, Packers. And now it's a game.

...Perry played for the Bears. He shuffled and everything! Back to normal. Phew. And just in time for F**** to retake the field.

Is it too much ask for a pick? Aw thanks, Harvin. I need more Vikings to down themselves in the backfield. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say pause for that. I'll sleep better.

Colebag, can we talk about the Eagles for a moment? We both got some big guns coming back for week 5. And I know, at least in my case, it's not soon enough.

Oh what, now? Oops. Okay. I know McNabb practiced today, haven't heard anything about Westbrook yet.

Uh oh. Meanwhile, Rodgers gets his bell rung on a huge sack and a terrible pass. Looks more and more like Brett every day, huh Pack fans.

"All these Packers are trying to hit Favre right now!" Yeah. Because one good hit will remind Favre it's past his bedtime. You have weeding to do tomorrow, Brett! Weeding!

You know, this drive Peterson's been held more or less in check and F****'s been carving up the Packers' D, just like on that TD pass to Sidney Rice. Still gotta work on those celebrations with Chester Taylor, though.

For those watching at home who aren't getting enough Favre mentions, Sears is here to fill that void in your life. Good God. Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercial breaks. Alright, back to the game!

Vikings' defense shuts down Rodgers again, and someone's looking like an idiot for picking the Pack +3.5. And that'd be me. Oh well, still up after the week in my picks league.

Oh! Take it, Peterson! That a DTD for my team! Whahahahaha! You go and you think about that, Adrian!

Whoa! Good morning. What a hit on the kickoff return. Vikes get the ball back and, I assume, so will Peterson. The Packers are awake again.

That was a pick! C'mon refs! Oh, good christ! Stop talking about Favre's age. He's old... we all get it! I want him sacked and ground into some kind of fine, milk soluble powder. Cheers!

Oh, I see you're doing a good job making up for a mostly sober first half.

Meanwhile, can someone tell Jon Gruden we don't care what he looked like in 1992? Please, Jon, shut your face already. As we hit halftime, I never thought I'd say it, but I almost miss Tony Kornheiser. Wait, no I don't.

Alright. 2nd half. I'm trying to get excited, but not even Kid Rock helps. I got a bad feeling for Green Bay. Whoa that guy spray-painted his cheesehead black! "Favre for life!" I'm frightened! And there's a connection for Favre... and some guy. God dammit!

I believe that's spelt, "Favre 4 Life." Maybe "4 Lyfe" even. And you know your defense is in trouble when your cornerback is fixing his mouthpiece as his man coasts into the end zone.

Apparently we have a guy following SSFA! for actual sports news. Holy god. Didn't think it would happen. For the record, it's GB 14 Vikings 28, 3rd quarter. So, there you go buddy. Thanks for following? lol Wow.

Can you tell that we're new/not good at this? A big shout out to Lone Star College and whatever anonymous teacher is depending on us for poor bastard. On the off chance it's not blocked, here's the GameTracker.

Meanwhile, while we spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out where the hell Lone Star College is, the Packers have taken the ball down to the Minnesota 35, as Rodgers is connecting through the air as the pocket collapses. Nothing deep, but infinite eight-yard passes will get you there eventually.

Thank GOD that wasn't a fumble, and the "body part of the arm" wasn't a crucial factor. The Vikings are still stopping them on the line! C'mon Packers! Go for it on 4th down!

Fourth down from the 1.5 yard line, and GB goes empty backfield...and Donald Lee drops the pass in the end zone! Right through his hands, and a turnover on downs. Aaron Rodgers is understandably disappointed.

Well, I can still hope for a safety! Mwahahahaha! The most embarrassing of NFL scores! I have to say though, that was some incredible red zone defense for the Vikings.

I don't understand why the Vikings are still throwing so much here. You have Peterson, why not use him? You run down a lot more clock than F**** gunning incompletions down the sideline.

Oh, and that's the end of the 3rd quarter, still 28-14 Vikings.

Interesting play call by the Vikings: Wildcat formation, reverse gets the ball to Sidney Rice, who looks downfield before scrambling out of the pocket and wisely throwing the ball well out of bounds. Vikings punt the ball away with 13 minutes left, and called 8 passes to 3 runs during that drive. As exciting as those kind of plays are to watch, if I were a Vikings fan, I would be having a coronary about the play calling come December.

-A reenactment of the tonight's MNF announcing. C'mon people-

Alright. I'm not writing about Favre ever again. I've had my fill for a lifetime tonight. Just one more touchdown would make this an interesting game. Green Bay is getting another shot. Let's see what happens!

Welcome to the club, Pilk. And you know, they keep talking about how great a game F**** is having, but Rodgers has been sacked six times and F**** hasn't even hit the artificial turf recently. Add that to the fact that Ryan Grant is getting killed trying to get the ball out of his own end zone -- oop! and another sack/turnover for the Vikes' D. Conclusion: Minnesota has a world-class offensive line and defensive line. Meanwhile, the announcers have talked about how "courageous" the Vikings' ownership is, but would you hear about the line play? Yeah right.

Green Bay challenged that it was an incomplete pass rather than a fumble. Replays make it look like a safety. And Jaworski just said taking a safety is better than giving up a touchdown for the Packers. Uh, no, because the Vikings get the ball after a safety, which leads to (a) the potential for more points, and (b) more time off the clock. Attaboy, Ron.

With the reversal, Minnesota picks up two points and it's now 30-14 with 7:21 left.

Mike Tirico "I know we mentioned Favre is gonna turn 40 a couple of times..." A couple of times?! Jesus Christ! I think I know his shoe size, his darkest fear, and the name of his 4th grade teacher by now. Sigh. For the record: it's Packers 14, Vikings 30. 5 min left in the 4th quarter.

Rodgers' scrambling leads to a 33-yard touchdown for Jordy Nelson. The 2-point conversion fails though, because -- surprise surprise -- the Vikings apply way too much pressure. 30-20 with 3:40 left.

Well, I hate to say it, but it looks pretty bleak for the Packers. Especially after the missed 2pts. Packers trail by 10 in the final 3 1/2 minutes. You know Bryan, I was just reading an article about how a significant portion of the Packers team didn't even play with Favre so were not "fired up" for this game. I would have disagreed in the the first half. But now... maybe a little.

I'm not worried about that, to be honest. That's the kind of "hindpsychology" that everyone uses after the game but is completely worthless beforehand.

Speaking of worthless, let's talk about Brad Childress' terrible playcalling. After the Packers use their last timeout, Childress calls a long bomb that of course falls incomplete and gives the Packers the ball back after a mere 30 seconds. Terrifying. I said it before, I'll say it again: the Vikes win despite Childress, not because of him. Grant goes out of bounds and Green Bay is scrambling for some points with just under 2 minutes left.

Good God, coach McCarthy. You're the picture of confidence. Turning through your little playbook 2-ring binder like an 8th grader in desperate need of his hw. Shaking your head like you have absolutely no idea what's going on. You're killin' me man! And the seconds tick down. I congratulate Bryan on a good win this week. My team did not deliver. More on that tomorrow. Cole, some closing thoughts?

Degenerate gamblers everywhere were screaming at their TVs for Green Bay to score a touchdown and cover the spread.

Oh Christ. Now Michelle Tafoya drools over B**** F**** in the usual self-serving interview. The worst of the worst, as F**** says, "I'm always emotional," with tears in his eyes. Oh really. Well, Manny Ramirez just called; says he has some hormones to help with your menopause.

And then Mike Tirico adds insult to injury by throwing in, "You're probably sick of hearing about the drama." Yeah. Yeah we are. And now Trent Dilfer just called him, "absolute magic". I hate all types of things now.

And that concludes our 2nd live blog! Stay tuned for more fantasy hilarity tomorrow and thanks to all who joined us for the insanity tonight. I think I speak for both Cole and I when I say... Screw this! I'm going to bed.