Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Gi

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Flabby-Armed:
Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

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Week 5 Preview: Hello, Goodbye

-Return of the Bed Guy.-

Five weeks have already passed and a wide deficit gapes between our authors. But who knows how the chips will fall with Week 5? Both Cole and RWPilk are getting valuable players back from injuries and face some crucial bye weeks. So let the speculation and yo mama jokes fly. It's Week 5. 'Nuff said. And don't forget to check out our MLB Playoff Poll to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

After two months, still not 100 percent sure I can run a sports blog, but "yo mama" jokes? Those I can handle. Yo mama's so old her sex tape is on Laserdisc! Oh whoops. After review, Pilk's playing against his mother this week so the ruling on the yo mama jokes has been overturned. Common decency will not be charged with a timeout.

Fine, back to football. We're just into that awkward bye week portion of the schedule, where everyone gets screwed over a couple of times by star players on the bench. This week my opponent (Pilk's dad, in a caramel-covered piece of syrupy sweet irony) is forced to sit Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, while your humble narrator gets Donovan McNabb back for at least the first eight minutes of Sunday's blowout vs. Tampa (too soon, Pats fans?).

I can't decide if I'm excited about this matchup or not: I get my final week out of Glen Coffee before Frank Gore returns to the scene, and Dwayne Bowe returns to mediocrity. Which reminds me, how many football players are aware of the fact they have more impact in fantasy football than in the NFL? I have players from the Titans, the Lions, the Chiefs, none of those teams are going anywhere. If you're Larry Johnson and you break a long run, do you dive for the pylon like in a video game and deliberately miss, just to see if you can hear hundreds of owners collectively scream until they have aneurysms? Do you fake injuries all week so everyone sits you, and then play at full speed on Sunday? It's a long season for these guys, they gotta do something other than watch film and not everyone tweets. Just something to consider.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'll be blunt with you, folks. I need a win this week.

There's just no two ways around it. Looking at my roster, I do have a little hope. For one thing, Brian Westbrook is back, and, if practice is any indication, at 100%. Great. It's still up in the air whether or not Larry Johnson or Ahmad Bradshaw will fill my second slot... but neither are really sterling choices. My other big move this week (on the Packers DST bye) was picking up the Bills D for their match up against the Browns. Call me crazy, but I like that move, and it's certainly better than playing my former bench D, the Seahawks. Gross.

The other big change is QB David Garrard, in for Drew Brees on his bye. Garrard had a big week last week and is now facing Seattle in Week 5. Not too shabby. I go forth with cautious optimism. That and a deep yearning that Cole bites it Sunday. Is that too much to ask, Jesus?

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The Vick Saga: Beating a Dead...

- Sigh. On the plus side, Vick is correctly depicted as being left-handed. -

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

It's not enough I have to deal with the cracked ribs of Donovan McNabb, missing a chance to put up pinball-like numbers against a woeful Saints defense. Oh no. Not enough that the Eagles have to screw over fantasy owners yet again, adding the McNabb injury to the DeSean Jackson brain fart from last season and the Brian Westbrook "kneel-at-the-one"* from the year before.

Really, the gooey hot fudge on the trainwreck sundae that the Eagles' season could become for fantasy owners is Michael Vick. Actual Eagle fans are having problems enjoying the year too, what with the angry mobs congregating in and around the Linc and interfering with the usual angry mobs that just want to throw batteries at David Akers in peace. And now everyone's favorite tubby empty-headed crank, Andy Reid Phil McGraw, Ph.D., is getting in on the act, discussing Vick at length on his show yesterday.

Were Dr. Phil involved in a game of football, he would be penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct; namely, "piling on" Vick (pause). Since Vick understandably refused to discuss his mental state with a man of McGraw's professional caliber, any wild diagnoses McGraw cared to make were based on his panel of tangentially-related experts and a 20-second vanilla phone call with Eagles' head coach Andy Reid, who swore Vick was sincere about making a change. And starting with the man in the mirror.

But that wasn't enough for Dr. Phil's legion of brainless retirees fans, as evidenced by his show's message board. "When the Steelers come to Dallas, I will be standing there protesting with a big old sign on my pettite little body even if it cost me my own arrest," wrote one poster. "It will be worth it."

(Nobody tell Cyndy that Vick plays for the Eagles, all right? Cool.)

Okay, okay, I'll stop picking on grandmothers and get to the point. Look, Rob and I have both weighed in on this already, and I'm sick of talking about Vick, so I'm only going to say this one more time. Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. He has. He served 20 months in a "pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison" and has years of parole ahead of him. He owes creditors some comical amount of money, in the tens of millions of dollars. Eight figures. He won't going to make that back playing football; he won't make that back playing football and working three jobs in the offseason. Does anyone honestly think Vick's life is going to be sunshine and roses from here out, that he's home free now? No way. His life has, for all intents and purposes, been ruined.

And what did he do exactly? Yes, animal cruelty for pleasure and profit, I know. And don't get me wrong: it was deplorable. I love dogs. I've owned a couple. If you crunch the numbers, the average dog will come out with a huge VORP (value over replacement pet). But Donte Stallworth just ended the life of another human being and got less than one month in prison for that. Ray Lewis was charged with murder before every key witness changed their testimony, and was named Super Bowl MVP twelve months later. Even Marvin Harrison, perpetually glorified as the anti-T.O., is in a boatload of legal trouble for allegedly shooting at other human beings. I'm just curious why two years out of football isn't enough for Vick when there are plenty of athletes across the board guilty of worse crimes and still playing.

"But Vick's back in the NFL!" you say. "No other convicted felon has this easy a time finding employment after their release." That's a fair point and, honestly, far more interesting than the puppy-killing ones. My argument is this: Michael Vick possesses a very specific skill set and is exceptional at what he does. He is one of the best people in the world at throwing a prolate spheroid long distances. Therefore, teams interested in winning football games will pick up any good football players they have the opportunity to add, personal issues be damned.

Or how about this point: Vick's real crime -- the one he did 19 months for -- was related to gambling. Now that he has the means (connections from his dogfighting days), the opportunity (a job with a professional football team), and the motive (the aforementioned bankruptcy), that gremlin of point-shaving has to have been planted by now. I don't believe he'd be stupid enough to try it, and I'm not even sure I believe he'll be in games enough to affect the outcome (in football, you usually need more than one party involved). Still, the mere thought of this type of scandal has to keep Roger Goodell up nights.

But you have to think Vick's getting a little wiser in his old age than all that anyway. After all, he avoided Dr. Phil like the plague.
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* - Honestly, I can't fault him for this; it was in fact the correct thing to do. But man, does that kill you as an owner.

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Almost Sunny in Philadelphia

- "Another home run? Boy could I use a beer..." -

Cole

It's a little bit strange for this blog to have two Philly-based posts in a row, so let me counteract that by saying: TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY!*

Ahem. Sorry.

But it is a good day to be a sports fan in Philly. Regardless of what you think of Michael Vick, he served his time, he has been reinstated (sort of) and the Eagles see fit to take a chance on him. Now Andy Reid will do his best to earn his reputation as an offensive genius, either by working Vick into the existing offense or adopting a version of the Wildcat formation that Miami ran so successfully last year. Imagine that with two professional quarterbacks. The possibilities are exciting, and football fans can expect to see some big numbers on the Linc's scoreboard.

You could argue that the signing was just gamesmanship, that the Eagles don't really plan to use Vick and were just preventing a division rival like the Redskins from upgrading. Or you could argue that the move is really just to give them depth if/when McNabb gets injured and Kevin Kolb disappoints. But I disagree: you don't spend $1.6 million in a league with a salary cap on gamesmanship or third QBs. Even McNabb's comments granting him five snaps a game ring hollow: Five snaps? That's it?

If you don't like the move (insert snarky dog joke here) then you can at least take solace in the fact that the guy who dumped a beer on outfielder Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino turned himself in yesterday to Chicago police. He now faces two counts of battery and one count of extreme douchebaggery.

We here at SSFA! pride ourselves on our objective reporting, so let's look at the evidence here.


Okay, there are three things in this picture that give it away.
1. Those sunglasses: what are you, Kanye West?
2. That sweatband: what year is this, 1983?
3. The whole throwing-a-beer-at-a-baseball-player thing (not pictured, but there's video evidence here): those things aren't cheap, you know.

Now, if I can direct your attention to Figure 2 for a second here...


4. "It was totally that guy! I swear on my Ed Hardy jeans!"

Verdict: Douchy as charged. All right, I'll stop. The guy's been getting piled on enough (pause), and at least he turned himself in, I guess. But deliberately throwing a beer at a player? Come on. You don't see people chucking those aluminum bottles at Johnny Damon from the Monster seats^, and we hate that guy. Good thing Victorino caught the ball, by the way, or you'd see a lot more copycats.

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*-In all seriousness, I thought Rob's favorite player looked pretty good for the most part last night, and his timing on the few deep throws he tried was right on. Good sign for Pats fans.
^-Not that I'm suggesting anything.

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