Week 9 Preview: Please, Dear Lord...

-RWPilk's one sure thing... and we just jinxed him. Dammit!-

And here comes Week 9. Look at her, with her android phone and her miniature dog. Just so smug. That's a handicap spot, you vapid fashionista! Oh, but don't worry. She'll get her comeuppance. Cole and RWPilk are on the scene, ready to deal out some cold, fantasy football style justice. This late in the season, all managers are waiting for some risky dice-rolls to land in the end zone, our humble(ish) authors among them. So, look out your highness! Week 9 very well be theirs.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall

Let's talk tight ends.

Pause.

I mean, I could talk about Matt Forte -- again -- but really, I've just accepted my fate. The league's trading deadline is the 17th, and if every half-assed fantasy guru keeps talking about selling high after Forte's one good game, no one will be crazy enough to take a chance on him. It's tempting to package him with the Saints' defense, because there's no way they're scoring a defensive touchdown every week right? Well look at their schedule down the stretch. The Rams. The Bucs -- twice. The Panthers -- twice. The Redskins. Oy. I think I'd like to hang on to the defense going against that juggernaut, possibility of late-season collapse notwithstanding.

But anyway, tight ends. It's a thin position to begin with, and finicky outside the top scoring options: is Greg Olsen going to get 10 points or 2 this week? (Answer: two if you're starting him, 10 otherwise.) And then, in consecutive weeks, Chris Cooley (a preaseason top-six pick at the position) and Owen Daniels (tops at the position in a standard scoring league) were lost to injury. Now, if you're like me in my other league, you have two talented tight ends, like Jason Witten and Antonio Gates (thank you auction auto-draft), this is a good excuse to pick up some talent for the stretch. If you're not like me, and you have a surprising tight end (maybe like Vernon Davis or Visanthe Shiancoe), it might be worth it anyway to try to upgrade another position, even if you end up punting the TE position.

Holy shit, real fantasy advice! Who knew.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

Week 9 is mine? This is news to me.

Save my bitter loss from last week, no doubt the Sweet Fancy Moses have been more competitive as of late. But it's come at a price. My team is banged up and I've basically pitched a tent on the waiver wire. There's only been a few sure things in my line up. Brees is out of his funk. The Packers D remains a solid bet. And I'm currently carving a solid ivory WR Reggie Wayne bust for my room. You know, to watch over me.

Everyone else, everyone, has proven to be a gamble. I just had to dump K Neil Rackers this week. Why? Because even my kicker slot, the fantasy football equivalent to the points you get for filling in your name on the SATs, was bleeding points. God, and I loved that guy's name. "Rackers". Dammit.

There ain't much else to do though. This, apparently, is how you do this. You play Marshall. You play Westbrook. And, by god, you play Todd Heap and die a little inside. So, see you Sunday. I'll be the guy with the white knuckle clasp on the rabbit's foot.

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There's only one George Lopez

- "Who wants ice cream after the game??" -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-2, 3rd Overall

Before we embark on the crapfest that's going to be my World Series prediction, I'm going to toot my own horn here (pause) and point out that I really did a good job in the AL playoff post. Only one game off for all three series! Just goes to show, every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

But now I have to talk about the National League, and I have no desire to and no knowledge. I know, it's never stopped me before. But maybe I'm just bitter that the Yankees outbid the Red Sox in the eBay auction that is the offseason, winding up with the coveted item that is the American League pennant, bolstered by the free shipping that is the AL's All-Star Game-based home field advantage, not to mention the positive feedback of multiple individual awards.

(I can see the headline now: LOCAL ANALOGY TORTURED, MUTILATED BEFORE DEATH.)

All right, fine. In the interest of completeness, here's what I expect over the next seven games (if necessary).

• Someone will make a huge deal out of the fact the Phillies took two of three from the Yankees in May. Someone will be very, very wrong.
  
• Tim McCarver will make an ass of himself, and sabermetric-minded baseball fans will shed a single tear as they realize Fire Joe Morgan is down.
  
• Yankee fans will endlessly chant, "Who's Your Daddy?", when Pedro Martinez takes the mound for Game 2. No one will think to dress as Don Zimmer.
  
• Alex Rodriguez will be beloved by Yankee fans throughout the series for his play thus far in the playoffs, but will be back to the familiar scapegoat role if they lose, and probably hated again by March anyway. Nothing he does on the field will affect this.
  
• The Phillies will get screwed over by the whole "not-having-a-real-DH" thing at least once. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding changes in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• At least one game will be decided by a blown call. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding more instant replay in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• Said call will favor the Yankees. It just will. Accept it. The sun will rise in the east, the tide will ebb and flow, Palestinians and Israelis will hate each other, TBS will endlessly rerun the same terrible commercials for their crappy shows, Joe Buck will engender hatred, and the Yankees will get the breaks in the postseason. It's how the world works.
  
• An exorbitant number of home runs will be hit in Yankee Stadium. (Luis Castillo will be in position to catch one, and drop it.) At least one game will feature more than 20 runs.
  
• The Yankees will win 4-1, much to the disappointment of everyone outside the Tri-State area, especially those who wanted a competitive series. Meanwhile, some fourth-grader in Ossining will hand in an essay entitled, "Now I Can Die in Peace".

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Shut Out, But Not Shutting Down

-Sadly, this is the Titans' best QB option.-

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I've been inspired by Pilk's beating of the Redskins' dead horse (pause?). Clearly, Jim Zorn = not a good coach. Let's talk about Manly Men, who Coach the Right Way and Know How To Play the Game. Let's talk about Jeff Fisher.

Yes, that Jeff Fisher. Sure, his team quit on him, and yes, his Titans gave up 1.5 points per minute to the Patriots in the first half*. And yeah, he's belittled and snubbed Vince Young so much** that Reggie Bush is sending him thank you cards for ensuring Bush wasn't the biggest bust in the 2006 draft. And sure, he even found a way to piss off the entire fan base by wearing a Peyton Manning jersey while introducing former Colts coach Tony Dungy, and then quipping, "I just wanted to feel like a winner."

Well then.

But Titans fans can take cold (very cold) comfort in the fact that Fisher doesn't kick worthless field goals. Fisher could've avoided the ignominy of all that "worst shutout since 1976" talk midway through the third quarter, when a 48-yard Chris Johnson run put the ball on the Pats' 17 yard line. But when the inevitable fourth down rolled around, did Rob Bironas get called onto the field? No way. Fisher challenged his offense to put points on the board the hard way, even though (by this point) his offense had established that tying their collective shoes might pose a challenge. And Fisher was still going for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter; it's not entirely his fault Javon Ringer fumbled after picking up the first down.

There are crappy coaches out there, sure. Take Steve Spagnuolo of the Rams: down three on the road, St. Louis reached the Jaguars' nine with 15 seconds to go and one time out left, only to kick a field goal (on third down!) to send the game into overtime. Steve, you know there's a good chance you won't even get the ball in the extra period. This is your best chance to avoid Rod Marinelli-level infamy: go for it! Make it more interesting for the 14 fans in attendance.

My point is that, even though Fisher will most likely be fired at the end of the season, don't expect him to spend a long time out of football. He knows his stuff, he's won before, and he knows better than to look this stupid.

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*-Seriously. Wow. Just look at that number for a minute. The Patriots scored more points in the first half than every other NFL team scored in 60 minutes (Saints excepted). Who does that?!
**-I for one thought Vince Young should've started the second half under center, but when you finally do come in and your first throw is a pick, your second one could've easily been a pick, and you fumble a snap ... you don't do many favors for yourself. Read more...

It's just the guy's name, you jackass

RWPilk

Alright, so Colebag and I have realized that we've used a bit of slang around these parts that y'all might no be familiar with. Credit to our friend Nick for introducing to us the video above, in which, in an interview with angrier-than-thou director Spike Lee, broadcaster Gus Johnson tries to impress us all with a jaunty interjection he probably should have left behind in 8th grade. Witness yourself, in all its awkward glory, at the 22 sec mark, as Johnson tries to seamlessly drop "pause" in the middle of Lee's answer. We understand it's an oldie, but it's a goodie.

The Urban Dictionary defines pause as: Used to stop the "aye-yo"ing of a subject after a homosexual comment has been made. Also see "no homo." There you have it. With the subtly of a drunken air traffic controller, Gus Johnson tied to lighten a moment with Spike Lee by making sure everyone notice that Lee said "I like Dick." Who can blame him, really, with Lee's reputation for being a such a ham. A regular card, the life of every party. The real brilliance is watching Johnson wrestle with himself right before he says it. Should I do it? Should I do it? Screw it, I'm doing it!

And now the courage of Gus Johnson lives on, as we pledge to drop Pause in there as often and awkwardly as possible. It isn't an easy job, so many opportunities are few and far between. But no matter the length, or how hard it is, we gotta fit it in there.

Thanks, Gus.

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Almost Sunny in Philadelphia

- "Another home run? Boy could I use a beer..." -

Cole

It's a little bit strange for this blog to have two Philly-based posts in a row, so let me counteract that by saying: TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY!*

Ahem. Sorry.

But it is a good day to be a sports fan in Philly. Regardless of what you think of Michael Vick, he served his time, he has been reinstated (sort of) and the Eagles see fit to take a chance on him. Now Andy Reid will do his best to earn his reputation as an offensive genius, either by working Vick into the existing offense or adopting a version of the Wildcat formation that Miami ran so successfully last year. Imagine that with two professional quarterbacks. The possibilities are exciting, and football fans can expect to see some big numbers on the Linc's scoreboard.

You could argue that the signing was just gamesmanship, that the Eagles don't really plan to use Vick and were just preventing a division rival like the Redskins from upgrading. Or you could argue that the move is really just to give them depth if/when McNabb gets injured and Kevin Kolb disappoints. But I disagree: you don't spend $1.6 million in a league with a salary cap on gamesmanship or third QBs. Even McNabb's comments granting him five snaps a game ring hollow: Five snaps? That's it?

If you don't like the move (insert snarky dog joke here) then you can at least take solace in the fact that the guy who dumped a beer on outfielder Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino turned himself in yesterday to Chicago police. He now faces two counts of battery and one count of extreme douchebaggery.

We here at SSFA! pride ourselves on our objective reporting, so let's look at the evidence here.


Okay, there are three things in this picture that give it away.
1. Those sunglasses: what are you, Kanye West?
2. That sweatband: what year is this, 1983?
3. The whole throwing-a-beer-at-a-baseball-player thing (not pictured, but there's video evidence here): those things aren't cheap, you know.

Now, if I can direct your attention to Figure 2 for a second here...


4. "It was totally that guy! I swear on my Ed Hardy jeans!"

Verdict: Douchy as charged. All right, I'll stop. The guy's been getting piled on enough (pause), and at least he turned himself in, I guess. But deliberately throwing a beer at a player? Come on. You don't see people chucking those aluminum bottles at Johnny Damon from the Monster seats^, and we hate that guy. Good thing Victorino caught the ball, by the way, or you'd see a lot more copycats.

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*-In all seriousness, I thought Rob's favorite player looked pretty good for the most part last night, and his timing on the few deep throws he tried was right on. Good sign for Pats fans.
^-Not that I'm suggesting anything.

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