Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Michael Vick Survival Guide

-Vick summaries every Andy Rooney segment-


Over the past few days, 50 people were blown up in Iraq, a maniac went in and shot up a fitness center in PA, hundreds went missing in Taiwan mudslides and typhoons, and crazies everywhere celebrated the 40th anniversary of the Manson murders. But, holy s***, you gotta be one sorry SOB to bat an eye at that weak sauce because 7th sign of the apocalypse, Michael Vick is back in town, talking up 60 Minutes, and all bets are off.

Now, I know what you're thinking: How can I, modest citizen and faithful SSFA! reader, ward off such evil? Fret not, for we have devised three easy steps to protect you and your highly endangered family:

Step 1: Read! If you missed any of the headlines listed above, fear not; more and more come out everyday just like it! And while you're discovering there are greater evils in the world outside of "forcing" mean things to be mean to each other (see Step 2) you might accidentally learn that Michael Vick broke the law, got caught, and then served an appropriate sentence in jail. Menace vanquished!

Step 2: Know Thy Beasts! For those not sure what Vick is guilty of, it's locking dogs in a cage together and making them fight. Oh, not just any dogs. Pitbulls. Our (strictly platonic) friends at the Center of Disease Control classify pitbulls as a large, popular breed that lead the country in human attack statistics. Oh, wait, scratch that; human fatality statistics. That's right, no dog in America kills more people than the pitbull. Hmmm, why does Michael Vick making pitbulls be vicious and bloodthirsty to each other suddenly sound like locking two rabbits in a cage and "making them" boink? Danger averted!

Step 3: Take a Deep Breath! Michael Vick went to jail a shamed NFL quarterback and returns to society as... a shamed NFL quarterback. But even better, Tony Dungy is has risen to the challenge of being Vick's wise and world-weary mentor, a role surely to be played by Morgan Freeman somewhere down the line (or at least in my head). With such guidance, how can Vick go wrong? Malice extinguished!

And, ta daa, Michael Vick, the diabolical mind who let two dogs do in a cage what they would probably do outside a cage, isn't such a big deal anymore. He's safe to watch, safe to play with, and, I'm guessing, safe to draft in fantasy leagues. Just be sure to remove all household pets from the safety of your living room before doing so.

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