Step Aside, Doofus

RWPilk

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

We pause for a moment now to witness some public humiliation. Pass the popcorn.

Above is a video from ESPN on Washington Redskins head coach Jim Zorn's latest press conference. The Redskins' front office, concerned with the season so far (and last season), have stripped away Zorn's play-calling authority and handed it over to some johnny-come-lately whippersnapper Sherman Lewis.

Alright, so Zorn's play calling hasn't landed the Redskins in the end zone in a home game all season. And they're 2-4. And the team is rarely in contention for anything. It ain't pretty. Zorn can be seen above taking it like a man and happy to have the privilege of deciding other key factors, like whether or not to go for it on forth down (don't), what to call for overtime flips (tails), and what the official team pie is (rhubarb).

Still, Washington front office, have you ever heard of the Rams? Or, my God, the Titans?! What 1 o'clock game were you gents watching Sunday? When Zorn pilots a 0-5 record and lands himself ass-first into a 59-0 loss, then you're allowed to start worrying and turn him into a headset-wearing figurehead. Until then, you're just a Negative Nancy.

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Week 6 Recap: the Skin of our Teeth

-Where the wild things are: Baltimore-

Week 6! Oh, glorious, glorious Week 6! How you leave us wondering how MNF will treat us. Both Cole and RWPilk are embroiled in close(ish) match-ups, victory hanging in the balance! Will Pilk's record start the hearty climb towards Cole's winning streak? Will Cole pull off a narrow escape to victory? Will Cole buy Pilk beer out of the warm kindness of his heart!? This, and much more below!

Cole

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

As I wait with bated breath on the performance of one Correll Buckhalter, I find myself praising the name of one Ray Rice, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by being the first running back to score a touchdown against the Vikings in forever. And no, Jim, you can't have him for Thomas Jones.

I also find myself cursing the name, Wrath of Khan-style, of Matt Forte, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by fumbling on second down from the one, recovering, and then fumbling on third down from the one and not recovering. No touchdown, minus two points for the lost fumble, things thrown, and Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth got to have a nice little conversation about how he never ever fumbles. Henceforth, he shall be known as Matt "Khan" Forte. It's that level of frustration. Donovan McNabb gets a pass (sorry) for this week because of his stella stellar performance last week.

Meanwhile, back at the wrench, what the hell is going on in the NFL? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. Aside from the Raiders game, crappy team after crappy team outshone expectations ... or at least covered the spread. We've figured out by now the Titans are indeed horrifying, but 45 points? In one half? And I enjoyed watching the Saints bludgeon the Giants, but I'm not going to talk about them for fear I might jinx them. This is after I tweeted, "Hey, Tulane's beating 23rd-ranked Houston!" and the Green Wave turned a three-point lead into a 28-point embarrassment. So for you, Ted, I say only that certain teams were really fun to watch this weekend. Not to mention any names, but whatever team it was, it certainly looked like a force to be reckoned with come playoff time.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Alright. Mr. Brees? I'm sorry I doubted you. Let's leave it at that.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I gotta 17 point lead going into tonight with Brandon Marshall still to play (against an opposing Denver kicker). I'm glad to report that some of my strategic moves worked out this week. STL WR Avery got hurt Sunday, but found the end zone before doing so, making the sting of Reggie Wayne's bye week that much milder. My waiver wire gamble, PHI WR Maclin, ended up being a bust (as was all of Philly's effort, c'mon McNabb, Oakland!?). My T.O. trade (my first ever!) for DAL WR Austin went through, so we'll see how that works out next week when I pair him with Wayne.

Barring any catastrophes, I'll end up 3-3. Not great. But getting there.

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Week 6 Preview: QB, or not QB

-Another fantasy scenario?-

And here it is. Week 6. Almost at the fantasy season halfway point. What have we learned? Never run with scissors. Or with Chris Cooley, he'll only bring you backwards. Rex Ryan doesn't want to be fed, Rex Ryan wants to hunt. And lastly, and more importantly, always respect personal space, even if there's taunting involved. Let's go Cole and RWPilk now for the forecast.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Like that caption? That's a double pun, dammit. Laugh.

I don't want to complain about Brees' cooled off numbers anymore, but I'm in a QB pickle: Brees vs Giants, or Garrard vs Rams. The RAMS! Two wildly inconsistent players facing two teams on the opposite end of the of suck meter. I may just flip a coin. My team is also going through some other changes. St. Louis' WR Avery is in for now... As is Phi WR Maclin, a waiver wire pickup. On top of that, NYG RB Bradshaw hasn't been practicing this week, with KC RB Larry "Oreck challenge" Johnson on my bench. I also got a WR trade that my or may not go through (T.O. for the Cowboys' Austin). It looks like my line up will probably have to set Sunday at quarter of 1pm. Oh, happy day.

I knew this is going to be a tough week. There have been signs. I woke from a bizarre dream the other night where I was in some kind of frat with Peyton Manning. Seriously. And he was like this miserable, dorky sophomore guy who was trying to show me the ropes and how to respect the seniors. And every time I turned around he was ironing his pants. Pair after pair. Lord, what does it mean!? Garrard or Brees! Why pants?! What do they mean?! Whyyyyy!!!

Cole
Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

I -- wait, what? Pants?

Jesus, man, pull it together. Sounds like someone needs a priceless pep talk.

Huh. I guess MasterCard doesn't have one prerecorded for "weird dreams involving a pantsless Peyton Manning". Poor planning really.

Well, if that doesn't do it for you, there's plenty of high-quality real football available. Look at that 1:00 slate! The undefeated Giants and the undefeated Saints!* And if you don't like that, how about the Battle for the Purple: Ravens at Vikings. That, my friends, is truly going to be some sweet Flacco action. The Sunday night game features two 3-1 teams with excellent running backs, and the Monday night game features those excellent Broncos throwbacks.

That Vikes-Ravens game is going to be interesting: two quality defenses match up against two surprisingly good offenses. Can F**** continue his "ageless wonder" routine? Or will Joe Flacco and Ray Rice stop Jared Allen and a pass rush that humiliated the Packers two weeks ago? Getcha popcorn ready. I'm picking Vikings (-2.5); that defense looks brutal, and I haven't even mentioned Adrian Peterson.

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* - The first time the Saints have hosted the Giants since 2005, when the refugee Saints were the designated home team in a game at Giants Stadium. Yeah, you thought we forgot about that. Screw you too, NFL.

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Liberal Guys to NFL: Pass on Rush

-That a... throwback tie, Rush?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th overall

There's always one weird sports headline every week that makes me double take and shoot PBR out of my nose. This week it's this one over at ESPN. I usually have to dive out the nearest exit when some pundit gets in front of a camera and starts yankin' themselves over one thing or another, but this story is going for a trifecta! Limbaugh! Sharpton! Jackson! Let's read on!

Apparently, red-state blow-hard Rush Limbaugh is some kinda football aficionado and wants to buy the Rams. Well, not that great of an aficionado; the Rams are 0-5. But whatever, he made a bid. Enter liberal idiots Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson. They want to meet with the NFL commissioner about blocking Limbaugh's bid, calling him racist (surprise!) and "anti-NFL". When reached for comment, Spike Lee is quoted saying "Cracker-ass cracker."

Rush calls the whole attempt at cock-blocking his sensual tango with the Rams "Sad"... but clearly forgets that there is a well documented history of his racism and... anti-NFLness. Documented on his own site even. ESPN points out that his website archives a 2007 show that calls the NFL a fight between the blood vs crypts and ends with "There, I said it." Bravo, Rush. Perhaps Rush also forgets that he "resigned" from a ESPN pregame spot in 2003 for making the case that Donovan McNabb's popularity was a result of NFL affirmative action.

Does anyone really care who owns what team? And what exactly is Rush gonna try and do anyway, turn the Rams into this? That ain't no way to improve 0-5, Rush.

Sweet, Sweet Updated Action: So, it seems that PFT is reporting that today NFL Commish Roger Goodell commented that "decisive comments" are not welcome in the National Football League when asked about Limbaugh's bid for Ram's ownership. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PR talk for "No freaking way!"

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A Fackin' Fall Cleaning

-Ahhh, more like Red Sux, am I right? High five? Anyone?-

Memo to Ben Affleck: you'll have to find a new place to sit down until April '10. The '09 Sox season has ended. And other than being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk are also Fenway fans. There's no doubt that their beloved dirt dogs were not themselves this year and if Sox are going to crank it up in 2010, it's time to clean house a bit. Let's go to our authors now for who THEY'D fakin' cut if they were friggin' Tito and Theo. Eh? Wicked cool.

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

Today we gather together to mourn the loss of Jason Varitek's baseball career.

Oh, sure, we all saw the signs years ago. When his OPS fell off a cliff last year, Red Sox fans stuck by him. "His bat may have deteriorated," we admitted, "but at least he plays great defense." And when his defense started slipping this season, we all shifted uncomfortably and talked about how well he handled the pitching staff. Except that as soon as we traded for Victor Martinez, we realized that, hey, maybe it's not so hard to tell Josh Beckett to throw strikes after all.

The worst part of the Varitek debacle, other than the uncomfortable realization that a long-time fan favorite has completely lost the ability to play baseball, is the fact that the Red Sox will probably have to pay him next year. A quick look at his contract shows that Varitek signed a one-year deal over the previous winter, with a club option for 2010. The front office, I'm sure, would rather make Opening Day tickets free than to pay Varitek another $5 million*, but the problem is that Varitek also has a player option for $3 million dollars, which he's probably exercised already.

As sad as it is to say, I don't think we can afford to keep El Capitan around next year. Maybe the best things for all parties would be to trade him to some magical land where ancient ballplayers live on forever and ever someone in the National League.

__________
* - It works out to about the same amount of money, actually. Give or take.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'd classify myself as a "moderate" Sox fan, but even I gotta say, it was pretty miserable watching these guys this year. With injuries, the "breaks" and "rests" for players like Varitek and Drew, Big Papi-gate, and ever rotating roster of farm players made '09 one big blah porridge with a capital "B". No consistency, no fan favorites, and no results. Here's who needs to pack their bags:

1. Mike Lowell (3B) - A no-brainer. We've already had the cheap shots about his hip injury and how old is this guy anyway and blah blah blah. But the truth is he's too old and out too often to put up any valuable numbers. Whether he was MVP of 2007 or 1907 (ahh, had to get one more in there), he's just gotta go. Don't worry, he's got those giant eye brows to curl up with at night.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP) - Dice-K, you're consistently bad, wicked expensive, and worst of all, a category 5 snore fest. Wanna know how to spot a Dice-K game? Is it like 5 hours long? Boom. There you go. If you're crammed into a Fenway seat and can read War & Peace in between pitches, there's an issue. Luckily, the numbers support me. Worst of all, he whines about American training vs Japanese. Logan is on the Blue Line, buddy.

3. Dennis Eckersley (Commentator) - Thank gawd RemDog is better. I can't take anymore of this guy. It ain't even the stinky cheese. Or the sneaky cheese. Or the holy cheese (swiss?). Or the Farrah Faucet haircut. Dollars to donuts, this guy is just a biased doofus. He says things that any idiot in a Boston bar is saying while cradling a Sam Adams. "Thank God!" is not an appropriate response to fortunate outfield bounce in the Sox favor, genius. Nor is it okay to say "masturbate" and "shit" on live television (thanks, Nick). And in one game, too. Remy got well just in time. Don Orsillo's makeshift announcer's box noose of his own hair was getting pretty close to completion there. It took a while too. Not a lot of hair there.

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Week 5 Recap: Can you spare a QB? Please?

-Insert Curly noise.-

Alright, Week 5. Go on, get out of here. You made your point... even though Cole and RWPilk will probably end up with wins after Monday night, you proved yourself a wicked mistress. Full of miserable games (Buffalo and Cleveland, Jacksonville and Seattle) and some unexpected duds (QB Garrard, WR C. Johnson, etc.), all you left us with is some unreturned phone calls and that burning sensation. Let's go to our two heroes now for the skinny!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

It's hard to really complain too much when you win -- wait, what was that, RW?

Okay, so maybe not. Regardless, I'm just overjoyed that Donovan McNabb is back and leading the Eagles through their three-week goodwill tour of local high school teams. With the three he threw for yesterday, he's now scored six touchdowns and 52 points in just two games. I'm impressed. Speaking of injury replacements, a sincere "thank you" to Glen Coffee, who posted double digits in both of his fill-in starts and will immediately return to the magical land of The Bench.

There were some terrible games this week: not only cupcake matchups that make LSU-ULL look like a nailbiter, but ugly games between godawful teams that no one without a fantasy team should have to suffer through. Suggestion to Roger Goodell: Next time this happens, just have the coaches play it out on Madden 10 or something; you could save a lot of money and reduce your carbon footprint, whatever the hell that means.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Someone please tell me, is there a special club or something I need to join to get a decent score out of a quarterback? A form I need to fill out? Some kind of square-headed god I need to pray to? Tell me. Because I'll do it. I'll do it right now.

Coming off a hot, 31-point week last week, Jacksonville's David Garrard got SHUT OUT by the Seahawks and had the stats to put up three points. Three. And that's with two fumbles. My god, I'm some kind of QB black hole. I'm back to Drew Brees in Week 6.

This week, however, I'm glad to point out that I actually made a suave strategic move that helped my team. I played matchmaker with some waiver wire defenses, picked up the Bills vs Browns and got 17 points out the deal, my biggest defensive score of the season. Alright, alright. Not too shabby. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this thing here.

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Week 5 Preview: Hello, Goodbye

-Return of the Bed Guy.-

Five weeks have already passed and a wide deficit gapes between our authors. But who knows how the chips will fall with Week 5? Both Cole and RWPilk are getting valuable players back from injuries and face some crucial bye weeks. So let the speculation and yo mama jokes fly. It's Week 5. 'Nuff said. And don't forget to check out our MLB Playoff Poll to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

After two months, still not 100 percent sure I can run a sports blog, but "yo mama" jokes? Those I can handle. Yo mama's so old her sex tape is on Laserdisc! Oh whoops. After review, Pilk's playing against his mother this week so the ruling on the yo mama jokes has been overturned. Common decency will not be charged with a timeout.

Fine, back to football. We're just into that awkward bye week portion of the schedule, where everyone gets screwed over a couple of times by star players on the bench. This week my opponent (Pilk's dad, in a caramel-covered piece of syrupy sweet irony) is forced to sit Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, while your humble narrator gets Donovan McNabb back for at least the first eight minutes of Sunday's blowout vs. Tampa (too soon, Pats fans?).

I can't decide if I'm excited about this matchup or not: I get my final week out of Glen Coffee before Frank Gore returns to the scene, and Dwayne Bowe returns to mediocrity. Which reminds me, how many football players are aware of the fact they have more impact in fantasy football than in the NFL? I have players from the Titans, the Lions, the Chiefs, none of those teams are going anywhere. If you're Larry Johnson and you break a long run, do you dive for the pylon like in a video game and deliberately miss, just to see if you can hear hundreds of owners collectively scream until they have aneurysms? Do you fake injuries all week so everyone sits you, and then play at full speed on Sunday? It's a long season for these guys, they gotta do something other than watch film and not everyone tweets. Just something to consider.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'll be blunt with you, folks. I need a win this week.

There's just no two ways around it. Looking at my roster, I do have a little hope. For one thing, Brian Westbrook is back, and, if practice is any indication, at 100%. Great. It's still up in the air whether or not Larry Johnson or Ahmad Bradshaw will fill my second slot... but neither are really sterling choices. My other big move this week (on the Packers DST bye) was picking up the Bills D for their match up against the Browns. Call me crazy, but I like that move, and it's certainly better than playing my former bench D, the Seahawks. Gross.

The other big change is QB David Garrard, in for Drew Brees on his bye. Garrard had a big week last week and is now facing Seattle in Week 5. Not too shabby. I go forth with cautious optimism. That and a deep yearning that Cole bites it Sunday. Is that too much to ask, Jesus?

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A Case for Brandon Marshall

-It's an orange bird! An orange plane! It's the most talented Denver Bronco!-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th overall

It seems like only yesterday that I received an urgent text from the Colebagel: "Manny traded to the Dodgers." It was quickly followed by an angry volume-distorted phone call. How could this be? More than an eccentric, devil-may-care fan favorite on the Sox line-up, Ramirez was a natural talent. Even when it appeared he was half-assing it, he was hitting home runs. Steroid discussions aside, this was the case. Manny's bat was literally the backbone of Sox wins (and Ortiz's was probably... I dunno, a right femur). And he was traded. Why?

A "bad attitude".

Manny could be volatile. He pushed some agent once. He angered teammates by clearly not putting in 100% all the time. He clashed with Theo "franchise player, my ass" Epstein over his contract. Alright. He was a hand full. He was simultaneously known as one of baseball's greatest players and one of baseball's biggest SOBs. But, as Cole and I wondered (and I'm guessing a good chunk of Sox fan are still wondering), if you can do something singular, something fantastic, shouldn't that be a factor in evaluating a player's conflict with my-way-or-the-highway management?

Welcome to the Brandon Marshall story. Don't get me wrong, this is not a manifesto defending every me-first multi-millionaire jackass that bitches their whole life about playing a game for a living. No. Rather, let's call it an overview of why when this happened Sunday, an entire nfl audience wondered "where the hell has this guy been?"

It's been widely publicized, but here's a quick run down: Marshall, already a big time WR, or at least largely hyped, was nearly suspended by Broncos coach Josh McDaniels for a bad attitude during training camp. Apparently, Marshall was not happy with his contract. At the time of this blog's fantasy draft, Marshall's digital self was flagged as a huge risk. He and the coaches hate each other. Will he play often? Will he play hard? No one knew.

The flag was well deserved. Marshall barely registered for two weeks with a combined 6 fantasy points (7 total receptions [yeah, Pilk can cite stats too]), and no end zone frolicking. When McDaniels was asked where his star player was, he stated "there are a lot of guys on our team who deserve to play." And, for anyone paying attention, your BS detector should now be going off.

As fans of Coors Light know, in professional sports you play to win the game. Of course every player on the team deserves to play, but not all of them are optimal options to be a positive factor in actual game play. And some are better than others, and that is valued in the NFL system. Salaries prove that. So when Marshall, clearly an optimal choice, is on the bench, it looks a little fishy. Like "hissy fit sour grapes over smart winning strategy" fishy.

None of us lowly fans are gonna sit here and make the Devil's advocate argument about the pressures of celebrity to explain questionable behavior. (commanding millions of dollars in a highly competitive field, the immense pressure, yada, yada, yada). I accept that Marshall was a jerk in the preseason. I get it. Fine him. Slap his wrist. Hell, make him doubt that if he'll actually play. But when any given Sunday rolls around... you play him. Right?! You play any player with this talent. Unfortunately, the Bronco's record doesn't reflect any bonehead justice, they're 4-0. But in a notoriously short season, where every game counts, why risk it? You play your best players. Period. I mean, I know I'm new here, but I thought this was the case. Professional sports. Right? Am I on the wrong floor?

It appears there is a happy ending for Marshall, McDaniels and the Broncos (or at least happier than Manny vs Epstein, but, hey, we like you, J-Bay). Everyone is abuzz about Marshall's sweet play this Sunday and, as you can see at the end of the video, he and McDaniels hugged it out. Apparently, McDaniels has had nothing but praise for the guy he had to scare the crap out of before giving him a few plays per game. As my league's Marshall owner, yeah, I wish Josh and the Broncos organization found another way. But these are the politics of professional sports, as you sports people are telling me, and as I should learn to see, I suppose. It doesn't make sense to me, but hey, neither does this.

Welcome back, Brandon? I hope? And smooth move, McDaniels. Let's all try and get along, play nice, all that. And most certainly win.

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