Monday, October 12, 2009

A Fackin' Fall Cleaning

-Ahhh, more like Red Sux, am I right? High five? Anyone?-

Memo to Ben Affleck: you'll have to find a new place to sit down until April '10. The '09 Sox season has ended. And other than being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk are also Fenway fans. There's no doubt that their beloved dirt dogs were not themselves this year and if Sox are going to crank it up in 2010, it's time to clean house a bit. Let's go to our authors now for who THEY'D fakin' cut if they were friggin' Tito and Theo. Eh? Wicked cool.


Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

Today we gather together to mourn the loss of Jason Varitek's baseball career.

Oh, sure, we all saw the signs years ago. When his OPS fell off a cliff last year, Red Sox fans stuck by him. "His bat may have deteriorated," we admitted, "but at least he plays great defense." And when his defense started slipping this season, we all shifted uncomfortably and talked about how well he handled the pitching staff. Except that as soon as we traded for Victor Martinez, we realized that, hey, maybe it's not so hard to tell Josh Beckett to throw strikes after all.

The worst part of the Varitek debacle, other than the uncomfortable realization that a long-time fan favorite has completely lost the ability to play baseball, is the fact that the Red Sox will probably have to pay him next year. A quick look at his contract shows that Varitek signed a one-year deal over the previous winter, with a club option for 2010. The front office, I'm sure, would rather make Opening Day tickets free than to pay Varitek another $5 million*, but the problem is that Varitek also has a player option for $3 million dollars, which he's probably exercised already.

As sad as it is to say, I don't think we can afford to keep El Capitan around next year. Maybe the best things for all parties would be to trade him to some magical land where ancient ballplayers live on forever and ever someone in the National League.

* - It works out to about the same amount of money, actually. Give or take.

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'd classify myself as a "moderate" Sox fan, but even I gotta say, it was pretty miserable watching these guys this year. With injuries, the "breaks" and "rests" for players like Varitek and Drew, Big Papi-gate, and ever rotating roster of farm players made '09 one big blah porridge with a capital "B". No consistency, no fan favorites, and no results. Here's who needs to pack their bags:

1. Mike Lowell (3B) - A no-brainer. We've already had the cheap shots about his hip injury and how old is this guy anyway and blah blah blah. But the truth is he's too old and out too often to put up any valuable numbers. Whether he was MVP of 2007 or 1907 (ahh, had to get one more in there), he's just gotta go. Don't worry, he's got those giant eye brows to curl up with at night.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP) - Dice-K, you're consistently bad, wicked expensive, and worst of all, a category 5 snore fest. Wanna know how to spot a Dice-K game? Is it like 5 hours long? Boom. There you go. If you're crammed into a Fenway seat and can read War & Peace in between pitches, there's an issue. Luckily, the numbers support me. Worst of all, he whines about American training vs Japanese. Logan is on the Blue Line, buddy.

3. Dennis Eckersley (Commentator) - Thank gawd RemDog is better. I can't take anymore of this guy. It ain't even the stinky cheese. Or the sneaky cheese. Or the holy cheese (swiss?). Or the Farrah Faucet haircut. Dollars to donuts, this guy is just a biased doofus. He says things that any idiot in a Boston bar is saying while cradling a Sam Adams. "Thank God!" is not an appropriate response to fortunate outfield bounce in the Sox favor, genius. Nor is it okay to say "masturbate" and "shit" on live television (thanks, Nick). And in one game, too. Remy got well just in time. Don Orsillo's makeshift announcer's box noose of his own hair was getting pretty close to completion there. It took a while too. Not a lot of hair there.

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