Step Away from the C

-Your face is gonna stay like that.-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

I'll be honest, I miss watchin' the Sox a little bit. They were a pretty miserable team in '09, but there's something special about kickin' back with Cole and a beer after work and watching Terry Francona chew a lot. But ask any diehard fan, dollars to dunkin' donuts, the Sox need to clean house a bit. Well, allow me to hijack a popular Sox Nation mantra: Maybe next year.

This week, it was confirmed that both pitcher Tim Wakefield and catcher (and captain) Jason Varitek would be returning to the team in 2010. Fantastic.

There's no doubt that the Red Sox organization is a pretty sentimental one. Many-a-plan to knock down and rebuild Fenway have been rejected, and, as you can see, Theo Epstein tends to hang to on players for quite a while. But I'm starting to lose my patience a little bit with this pack-rat staffing model. Our back up catcher slot didn't keep us from the World Series. And, Wake, I like ya, but there just might be a better 5th starter out there. And V-Tek can just decide to come back himself for less money, even after the organization passes on him. What is that? That's like showing up to a party with an invitation you made for yourself. Oooh, glitter.

Still, Victor Martinez is a good sign. And I'm still hopeful about getting Jason Bay back. And I keep hearing something about some Halladay pitcher guy. So, c'mon Sox business-types, let's start focusing on getting this roster ready to rock in something other than a chair.

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A Fackin' Fall Cleaning

-Ahhh, more like Red Sux, am I right? High five? Anyone?-

Memo to Ben Affleck: you'll have to find a new place to sit down until April '10. The '09 Sox season has ended. And other than being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk are also Fenway fans. There's no doubt that their beloved dirt dogs were not themselves this year and if Sox are going to crank it up in 2010, it's time to clean house a bit. Let's go to our authors now for who THEY'D fakin' cut if they were friggin' Tito and Theo. Eh? Wicked cool.

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

Today we gather together to mourn the loss of Jason Varitek's baseball career.

Oh, sure, we all saw the signs years ago. When his OPS fell off a cliff last year, Red Sox fans stuck by him. "His bat may have deteriorated," we admitted, "but at least he plays great defense." And when his defense started slipping this season, we all shifted uncomfortably and talked about how well he handled the pitching staff. Except that as soon as we traded for Victor Martinez, we realized that, hey, maybe it's not so hard to tell Josh Beckett to throw strikes after all.

The worst part of the Varitek debacle, other than the uncomfortable realization that a long-time fan favorite has completely lost the ability to play baseball, is the fact that the Red Sox will probably have to pay him next year. A quick look at his contract shows that Varitek signed a one-year deal over the previous winter, with a club option for 2010. The front office, I'm sure, would rather make Opening Day tickets free than to pay Varitek another $5 million*, but the problem is that Varitek also has a player option for $3 million dollars, which he's probably exercised already.

As sad as it is to say, I don't think we can afford to keep El Capitan around next year. Maybe the best things for all parties would be to trade him to some magical land where ancient ballplayers live on forever and ever someone in the National League.

__________
* - It works out to about the same amount of money, actually. Give or take.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'd classify myself as a "moderate" Sox fan, but even I gotta say, it was pretty miserable watching these guys this year. With injuries, the "breaks" and "rests" for players like Varitek and Drew, Big Papi-gate, and ever rotating roster of farm players made '09 one big blah porridge with a capital "B". No consistency, no fan favorites, and no results. Here's who needs to pack their bags:

1. Mike Lowell (3B) - A no-brainer. We've already had the cheap shots about his hip injury and how old is this guy anyway and blah blah blah. But the truth is he's too old and out too often to put up any valuable numbers. Whether he was MVP of 2007 or 1907 (ahh, had to get one more in there), he's just gotta go. Don't worry, he's got those giant eye brows to curl up with at night.

2. Daisuke Matsuzaka (SP) - Dice-K, you're consistently bad, wicked expensive, and worst of all, a category 5 snore fest. Wanna know how to spot a Dice-K game? Is it like 5 hours long? Boom. There you go. If you're crammed into a Fenway seat and can read War & Peace in between pitches, there's an issue. Luckily, the numbers support me. Worst of all, he whines about American training vs Japanese. Logan is on the Blue Line, buddy.

3. Dennis Eckersley (Commentator) - Thank gawd RemDog is better. I can't take anymore of this guy. It ain't even the stinky cheese. Or the sneaky cheese. Or the holy cheese (swiss?). Or the Farrah Faucet haircut. Dollars to donuts, this guy is just a biased doofus. He says things that any idiot in a Boston bar is saying while cradling a Sam Adams. "Thank God!" is not an appropriate response to fortunate outfield bounce in the Sox favor, genius. Nor is it okay to say "masturbate" and "shit" on live television (thanks, Nick). And in one game, too. Remy got well just in time. Don Orsillo's makeshift announcer's box noose of his own hair was getting pretty close to completion there. It took a while too. Not a lot of hair there.

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The Hunt for Red Soxtober

-Celebrating the right to get swept by the Yankees-

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

No self-professed sports blog would be complete without discussing the MLB playoffs, at the very least to discuss how boring baseball is. But, as you've probably guessed by now, I'm a big baseball fan. So as the Sox take on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Who Previously Used the Geographic Moniker "California", I'll be wearing my lucky stirrups and hoping the hometown laundry team doesn't disappoint.

Because I am a pessimist by nature ("not cuz I hate ya"), I'm sick of all these uplifting previews talking about what a treat Nick F***ing Punto is to watch (even if it is sarcastic). Instead, I'm going to run through the AL playoff participants and talk about the biggest question marks they face over the next few weeks, in inverse order of record.

Minnesota (AL Central, 87-76): Fatigue - While everyone else in the AL hasn't had to play a meaningful game since Labor Day, the Twins had to scrap and claw their way back just to force the one-game playoff with the Tigers. On Sept. 6, Minnesota was seven games off the AL Central lead. Adding insult to injury, Detroit took 12 innings to concede the division in the tiebreaker Tuesday night, as eight pitchers took the Metrodome mound for the home team. Now the Twins have to face a rested Yankees team that won all seven of the teams' contests by a combined score of 41-25.

Boston (AL Wild Card, 95-67): Inconsistency - Somewhere, the ghosts of Fire Joe Morgan cringed. Perhaps "inconsistency" really isn't the right word, as the Red Sox consistently beat up on crappy teams (i.e. a 16-2 record against Baltimore), and consistently disappointed against quality opponents (i.e. losing season series to the Rangers, Angels, and Mariners, and splitting with the Rays and Yankees). The high hopes the team carried into the season -- seemingly justified with their 47-30 record after three months -- were dashed with a disappointing July against a soft schedule and a slow fade into second place. It's hard for a 95-win team making its sixth playoff appearance in the past seven years to be labeled "disappointing," but people outside New England predicted 100 wins for the Sox with a straight face. Boston's high-priced stars will need to show signs of life like they did in the spring, or winter will arrive a lot sooner than expected for Fenway.

Los Angeles (AL West, 97-65): Pitching - Don't talk about the fact that the Red Sox have won 12 of their last 13 against the Angels, dating back to Dave Henderson's homer in 1986. Boston is playing this year's squad, not those other ones, and this year's model has the offensive firepower to keep up. Mike Scioscia's clubs have always been among the league leaders in stolen bases, and this year the team is near the top in OPS as well, right up there with Boston and New York. Where the team hovers around league average, however, is pitching. Choose any stat you want -- ERA, strikeouts, WHIP, whatever -- and LA is right smack dab in the middle of the pack. Can Weaver, Saunders, and Lackey shut down the Boston bats? Is the back of the pen solid? If these questions can't be answered, the Angels better pack their lumber if they want to advance.

New York (AL East, 103-59): Expectations - This one was tough, as (hard as it is to admit) the Yankees are far and away the class of the American League. Tops in hitting, tops in pitching, even defensively by some measures, the Yankees will be tough to beat. Unless...

Well, CC Sabathia has imploded in the last few playoff series. And A-Rod is famously batting .143 in his last 16 playoff games. And Mark Teixiera struggled under the bright lights when he first arrived in New York. And even Captain Calm Eyes McGee has appeared unnervingly human in the last few postseasons. The Steinbrenners need their superstars to play like superstars when it matters most, but that's probably their biggest obstacle between here and the World Series.

Predictions:
LAA over BOS, 3-1
NYY over MIN, 3-0
NYY over LAA, 4-2

Part 2, on the National League, will be posted as soon as I learn some shit about the NL probably tomorrow.

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This shall do for MLB news

-I believe that's a "venti".-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th overall

Will the Sox make the wild card? Will Lester and Becket return and kick ass? Was it Tito Francona at the Green Monster with the Pesky Pole (pause)? From all residing Sox fans, the word on the street is "meh." Until the playoffs hit, baseball is in a bit a lull. But that's when the Travel Channel comes in. Yeah, seriously.

Ooh, our first SSFA! TV recommendation! I've been a fan of Man v Food for a while, and today ESPN is talking to the host/face-stuffer Adam Richman about tonight's episode in which he tours a bunch of ballparks to cram his hole with millions of dollars of heat lamped-warmed food (seriously, ballpark food is expensive). The show is a hoot and it's the only program you could show to a bunch of Somalian refugees and give them a stomach ache.

Adam is a cool guy. Watching this dude do what he does, you realize he's putting his life on the line to entertain you. Five pound burritos. Giant pancakes. Chicken wings that have to be made with a gas mask. A gas mask! This guy will eat them all. I sat down in watched this guy eat something like 180 oysters. For someone who must spend half his life clutching the porcelain chair and praying for sweet death, he's always happy to shuck another one down.

So tune in tonight, 10pm EST on the Travel channel. And bring Tums.

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Are You ****ing ****ing Me?

-A civil union if I ever did see one-

RWPilk

Oh, SSFA! readers, we've had some good times. Some real laughs. But let's put erotically posed G.I. Joes down, it's adult time now. That's right. It's all fun and games until some self-important jerk starts toying with idea of running for Congress.

The breaking news Tuesday afternoon is that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling was contacted about making a run at Ted Kennedy's vacant seat in the Senate. Wow. You gotta hand it to the Republican Party, they do have a good eye for marketing. What better way to win over the bluest of blue states than with a bona fide Bahston Red Sawk? Who's he gonna run against? This guy?

If Schilling knows what's good for him, he'll decline on this nonsense for many years to come. Most MA residents still know him as the clutch guy. The bloody sock. The guy who helped get their bread bowl eating hands on the 2004 title. That's fine. But Schilling has a big I-Can't-Shut-the-Hell-up problem. He openly bashes other athletes, aggressively campaigned for Bush, and did commercials for Ford. Yeah, Ford. I know it. Disgusting.

"My hope is that we're past that (bi-partisanship). That we're past the whole R and D thing." Schilling said when asked if he thought running as a Republican in MA was a good idea. Heads up, Curt: We ain't. We just want to remember you as the pitcher, man. You did good. We all still like you (sorta). Don't mess that up.

Fun fact: Did you know Curt Schilling is an avid role-playing gamer? He runs 38 Studios, a developer of on-line games. Huh. Something new every day. Still Curt, keep your +4 gauntlets of Scion to yourself and off the Capitol building.

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Billy the Kid and the Wild, Wild Card

- Red Sox fans, get used to this look. -

Cole

The second annual Seinfeld League fantasy football draft is tonight, and yours truly has the third pick (Pilk is fourth). Pilk might try to explain that last year's league didn't count for whatever reason. That's because he won six straight games down the stretch and still finished 7-7.

But we'll talk about all that in greater detail tomorrow, after the draft: who we picked up, who we missed out on, and so forth. Today I want to talk about the Red Sox again, because the live blog went so well Saturday. Let the record show the Sox are undefeated in games we live blog, and averaging 14 runs per game. So as the Sox continue to stagger in the vague direction of October baseball, we may in fact have to repeat that grand experiment, Rob's objections notwithstanding.

Yes, the Sox are six games behind the Yankees at the start of play today, and yes, they're struggling to hold off both a surprising Rangers team and a resurgent Rays squad for the wild card. And yes, the offseason gambles of John Smoltz and Brad Penny blew up in Theo Epstein's face like a bad ACME rocket. And yes, Jason Varitek is hitting like a 37-year-old catcher. And yes, the vaunted bullpen can no longer hold your place in a movie ticket line, let alone a lead in a tight game. And yes, the New England Journal of Medicine will publish a paper this fall on Renteria syndrome, the inability of talented, small-market baseball players to exhibit any form of value while wearing a Red Sox uniform; Smoltz and Julio Lugo will be featured prominently in said article.

Still, at least they're not the Mets, which must be a large reason why Billy Wagner finally waived his no-trade clause and is currently shipping off to Boston. Wagner will be the tenth 2007 All-Star to play for the Red Sox this year, and will go a long way towards driving Jonathan Papelbon out of town sooner or later. If Wagner is indeed healthy -- and willing to shut up and pitch -- a hard-throwing lefty could do wonders for the Sox down the stretch. Ideally, Francona could even use Wagner as a "sabermetric closer": coming in not necessarily in the ninth inning but whenever the game was tightest, and quick outs were most crucial (say, two runners on in a one-run game in the seventh).

Of course, this all depends on the comically oversized "if"s above. But you have to think Wagner will be an important cog for the Sox down the stretch, assuming he's willing to be a cog for a couple of months.

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Live Blog: Red Sox vs Yankees

- Fond memories of happier times. -

Sweet, Sweet Live Blogging Action!

Boston Red Sox vs New York Yankees

August 22nd, 2009 4:10pm EST

Airing on FOX

Welcome one and all! Crack a cold one and grab a seat in front of your collective TV and computer screens: you're at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action!'s first live blogging! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Gooooooood afternoon, everyone. I'm Cole, along here with RWPilk, and I'm frigging miserable. It's hot, the Red Sox are terrible, the Yankees are not, and I just volunteered to listen to Tim McCarver for several hours straight. Can you put me out of my misery, Rob? Please?

RWPilk
I don't know. Would booze help? How drunk do you think you can get in ten minutes? But wait, before you get blasted, let's get some predictions going since you're the only one here that really knows what he's talking about.

Cole
You want a prediction? Here's all the prediction you need. This ain't gonna be pretty.

RWPilk
Oh, lovely. Not even in the first inning we and got some irreverent link action going on. Oh, here are the batting order. And the first inning starts... Now! What's with Tazawa? Is he new? What's the deal?

Cole
Hey, you heard McCarver. He's from the Industrial League in Japan. And he's a pinhead pinpoint pitcher! As evidenced by the fact that he specifically did not hit Teixiera there. A terrible call, but it works like an IBB. Here's a drinking game for the viewers at home: drink every time A-Rod's homer against Tazawa is referenced.

RWPilk
Ah, and we got our first gem from McCarver. "Pitchers have long memories, like hitters." And unlike all the other baseball players that neither hit or pitch. Thanks, Tim.

Cole
More brain surgery there from McCarver: "Victor Martinez [you know, the catcher] is not a fast runner." And immediately after, "Cano was the cutoff between himself and first base, instead of between himself and second base." Say what?

Meanwhile, more drinking game criteria: drink every time Youkilis has some emotional outburst after sucking.

RWPilk
Jesus, how did Ortiz and Martinez make it around the bases without a homerun? Tito must have tied sticks to their helmets with like cheeseburgers dangling at the end of them. 3-0 though, I can dig it.

Cole
For those of you who tuned in expecting to see a defensive struggle with expert baserunning, well, I'm sorry, you were gravely deceived. I, for one, am terribly uncomfortable with this lead, though. The Sox need something like another five runs or so.

RWPilk
Wow, that's the first helmet-to-face injury I've seen. Pedroia! Protect that mug of yours. It's your twinkle! Besides, Dunkin Donuts needs you to be strapping. Strapping and drinking iced coffee.

Cole
Aaaand Tazawa works his way out of another awkward situation. Two innings successfully! (I thought your last post said, "it's your twinkie", by the way. We might have to get you a new font.)

RWPilk
What the hell was McCarver just talking about? What he had for dinner last night? Jesus Christ. Did you get the early bird special, Tim? Oooh, and a homerun from Alex Gonzalez. Who the hell is that?

Cole
These are the type of questions the world may never know the answers to. I love that Joe Morgan (the ex-Red Sox manager) is in the broadcast booth and not talking. And now, as Burnett walks two straight, I'ma get in on some sweet, sweet Harpoon IPA action!

Cole
Oh Kevin Youkilis, here's hoping that homer turns your frown upside down. But I still want more runs: As good as the Red Sox are playing in the first half of this game, that's how as bad I expect them to play now.

RWPilk
Does it make me a bad New Englander if I want to see the Yankees score a few to make this not a snore fest? 7-0, It's the 3rd inning and we have a football score. Anyway, at this rate, they have about 4 more hours to catch up.

Cole
I think it makes you a bad human being. I'm wicked pissed, ya traitah!

Meanwhile, for someone who got rocked by throwing A-Rod a curveball, Tazawa threw a lot of curveballs to A-Rod there. So pretty looking though.

Cole
Another couple scoreless innings, and maybe we'll be back on schedule. Man, every half inning Tazawa's on the mound is like a Law & Order episode: there's going to be all sorts of drama, even if he comes out okay in the end, and it's going to take almost an hour.

RWPilk
Tim McCarver, head squarely up Jeter's ass, is impressed with his willingness to play "everyday". Yeah let's give Jeter an MVP award for doing what most other baseball players, and most citizens of America do regularly. Not everyone works just Saturdays, jackass.

Cole
Jeter's not even the most valuable Yankee. He won't win, but remember how bad the Yankees were without Alex Rodriguez? And then started winning almost instantly after he returned? And how Mark "I'm-probably-going-to-actually-win" Teixiera instantly started hitting once A-Rod was protecting him in the lineup? A-Rod is the anti-Jeter: he's an otherworldly baseball talent, but the media can't find enough bad things to say about him.

RWPilk
They're now talking about Tom Brady and Brett Favre. As we haven't had enough of that lately. Somebody cut the mics! Ortiz homers and he gets that wonderful half-jog he likes to do around the bases. Burnett going "why why why why why?" Because, AJ, you suck. It's 8-0. Remember?

Cole
My favorite part of the Brady-F****-Vick discussion was cutting to the hot dog vendor. You know, because it's just as relevant as the football discussion. Meanwhile, Bay doubles and Swisher can't play the outfield, and now it's 9-0 after five. Am I comfortable? Eh.

RWPilk
You're not comfortable with a 9-0 lead? My God, Tazawa could start throwing a beach ball the next few innings and it would still take a while for the Yankees to catch up. What the hell I thought the Yankees were supposed to be good?

Cole
They're up 7.5 games, you know. They can play baseball. These things happen. And you have no evidence that Tazawa WON'T start throwing beach balls ... although I don't think that would help much because they wouldn't go as far, really.

Cole
Say what you will about his broadcast partner, but Jon Miller's "Two! A double play!" call is what I always think about when I see a DP.

RWPilk
...I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I love that Remy graphic. "Was not happy with the result of the game." They lost! I can assume that! God, announcing MLB must be like baking a cake with one grain of sugar. Four minutes of action and info over the course of 3 hours. And congrats to the Yankees for pulling Burnett out after 9 unanswered runs. What's that like, Bryan? Closing the barn doors after the storm?

Cole
And that's ignoring the whole terrible poetry McCarver hit us with in his description of Fenway Park. And gadzooks, Rob, but you sure hit that nail on the head. Darn tootin'.

Youk again! No matter how many Freudian slips McCarver makes, I don't think you're useless.

RWPilk
Did you see Ortiz just do his best Curly impression? How many people can you injure with one swing of the bat? If only the ump had been been hit in the foot with Posada's mask. Why, I oughta...

Cole
Welp, there goes the shutout; Nick Swisher homers to left now to cut the lead to 12-1. I like Bard, but he could use a little more break on his pitches, or a little more seasoning in the minors. Something.

RWPilk
By the way, is anyone listening to McCarver? How can someone make a living like this, using non-descript words to announce an event on national television, and used to describe player's talent, no less. At least I hope he's using it to describe their talent. Here's my summary of McCarver's announcing today:

Cole
I mean, I'm not really paying attention. Most recently, I've been reading the hate mail some NFL player "sent" to John Madden because he was the lowest-rated player in the game (fake but still funny). I will say, though, that it's still entertaining watching Jose Molina spend three innings praying to anything and everything that no one hits the ball to him.

RWPilk
Oh, naive, naive blogmate. That ain't no real letter. Anyway, Papelbon is warming up. Lot of pressure on him tonight. The slightest 11 run inning will spell his doom! God, it's me, RWPilk. Again. Thank you for that ice cream I prayed for earlier, but please please please don't make me live blog another baseball game again. Amen. P.S. Better get those wheels moving on the blu-ray player.

Cole
You know what? As Casey Kotchman drives in run number 13 (12 of which came with two outs! Thanks Tim McCarver; that was actually interesting and useful!), I gotta say, that's the perfect note to end on. What we really need are subs to come in and continue live blogging for us.

And thus concludes the first live blogging at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! We leave the game at the top of the 9th, Sox up by 13 runs. Thank you for those who joined us and read along. Next time, I think we'll try football. Or paint drying. You know, something that moves faster.

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Site Announcement: Sweet, Sweet Live Blog Action!

-Game's that way, genius.-

Attention citizens! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is about spice up that lethargic, pastry-filled, tearfest you call a life! Mwauhahaha! Just kidding, but we are "liveblogging" this coming Saturday's Red Sox vs. Yankees game, called by none other than Joe Buck and Tim "Is anyone else light-headed?" McCarver. It'll just be like having Cole and RWPilk in your living room, watching the game with-- No, no wait! Come back! It won't be like that, promise! Sorry. Stop crying. But it might be good for a few laughs (probably due to the fact that we've never done it before). So tune in and get that "refresh" button ready, cause we're gonna melt your face off.

Sweet, Sweet Liveblog Action!

Saturday, August 22nd

Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees

4:10 pm EST

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A Cowboy Up Beat Down

-Score that play "666".-

Cole

You see that fight last night? When Youkilis charged the mound?

RWPilk
Indeed I did. Cleared the whole bench, I reckon. Another hissy fit.

Cole
It got me thinking... if you had to take one of the Sox, which one would you want to fight?

RWPilk
Hmmm... I don't know. Lowell? Didn't he just have hip surgery or something? Seems like the kind of guy you could knock over if you bopped him on the head with his own AARP subscription.

Cole
Not a bad option, except that he can probably bludgeon you with his eyebrows or something. And he's popular, everyone's gonna rush to his defense. What you need is someone everyone wants to hit anyway, like Manny last year. How about Saito? He's new, he's got the language barrier, he's a bullpen guy anyway. Either that or Smoltz, who's even newer and over 40 -- Lowell's only 35; Smoltz could've been his babysitter or something.

RWPilk
I'm not hitting Manny. I love Manny. But, fine. If I swipe someone's walker from underneath them, it'll be Smoltz. Well, as long as he's not like working out a bunch. He's gotta lot of time on his hands now. Who you got?

Cole
Well, all right, agreed: Manny's cool. There was that whole shoving match incident last year with Youkilis. Everyone sided with Manny on that. So if I have to pick someone under 30, I'd go Youkilis. He looks like he deserves it, with all those strike out hissy fits.

RWPilk
Youkilis!? Jesus. I don't want to rumble with him. He looks like something that they had to slay in the Lord of the Rings. And you seem him throw that helmet last night? Catapult-like accuracy!

Cole
Well he was the bad guy in Hellboy...but how about you? Pick on someone your own age, or at least closer.

RWPilk
Hmmm. Alright. Rocco then. At least my mitochondria work. Advantage!

Cole
Two geezers and a cripple? Awesome.

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In Which We Pretend to Care About the NFL Preseason

-Ha, they mispelled "Eepsw". Those jerks.-

Cole

The Boston Red Sox' season* came to a crashing halt Sunday night, as the Sox did their best to remind fans of the infamous Boston Massacre. If only there were some way to distract from this so I didn't have to write ab -- oh look! It's the NFL!

Yes, the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills clashed in the annual Hall of Fame Game this weekend, kicking off a month of meaningless exhibitions. If you missed it, don't worry: I started my preparations for the upcoming season by watching the whole first quarter before sending in a backup. There were a couple of highlights though, chief among them the AFL tribute uniforms.


This year is the 50th anniversary of the American Football League, so the league's original eight franchises will be donning awesome throwback jerseys throughout the year to celebrate. This means everyone's favorite public drunk Patriots' logo will be making an occasional reappearance. Paul Lukas over at Uni Watch blog did a better job detailing the throwbacks -- refs included -- than I could ever do, so go check that out.

Equally awesome was the play here, the first score of the new season. Football, I think, is unique in the use of trick plays. Oh sure, baseball has the hidden-ball trick and whatever, but if you pull that kind of stuff in baseball, you're known as a bush-league amateur. In football, you're known as a bold visionary (and then some). So NFL coaches (because I'm POSITIVE Bill Belichick reads this blog all the time), incorporate more trickeration on a weekly basis, especially on fourth down. Look at it this way: the games will be more interesting, the fans will talk about the team more, and the media will be slower to call for your head if the team doesn't perform well.

Assuming the trick plays work, that is.

---

* - Not to go all George Carlin on it, but is that right? "Red Sox' season"? Are we sure it's not "Red Sox's season"? "Red Socks' season"? "Passers by"?

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Why Ortiz Tested Positive

-You gotta see my doctor. He's the best, David, the best! Mwhahaha!-

Cole

Thoughts for the day, as I wonder whatever happened to the Devil Rays I used to know and love:

• Our crack research team here at SSFA! found a video on David Ortiz's Facebook page that explains the slugger's positive drug test. Video after the jump:

Huh. So that's that.


• Speaking of Ortiz, those of you who have been subjected to his impenetrable accent must be thrilled about the new public service announcement he stars in with Boston Mayor Tom Menino, or as he's known colloquially, "Mumbles". I can't quite make out exactly what the ad is for, but I can only assume it's the Charlie Brown Teachers' Union. I'm actually a little disappointed in the Internet, because I can't find this video anywhere. Fine. How about a cat running on the field? Will that suffice?

• The Ortiz/Ramirez debacle has led to all manner of ridiculous sentiments, but none worse than this one, from ESPN's Patrick Hruby:
  
  
  Joint steroid taint forces Major League Baseball to void 2004 postseason victories for New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, award World Series title to runner-up St. Louis Cardinals. Oh, wait. That will never happen. Bobby Bowden picked the wrong sport.
  
  Well, congratulations St. Louis. I'm happy for you and certainly glad none of your recent teams have any sort of steroid tai -- whoops. Look, I expect plenty of "Boston Roid Sox" jokes now on, and I won't argue with them, but don't try and tell me the World Series victories deserve some sort of asterisk, because here is a complete list of every team that was totally clean during the steroid period:
  
  .
  
  Does that make it right? Of course not. But let's just accept that it happened and prevent it from happening in the future. And don't get me started on that Bobby Bowden quip; I'll talk about the NCAA some other time.
  
  
• Three runs over six innings? That's Brad Penny-level quality. Guess you just have to tip your hat and call the Trenton Thunder your daddy. (Actually, can we talk about how he struck out 11 on 82 pitches? I don't care what level he's throwing at, that's tough to do. Pretty sure he's healthy.)
  
  
• And lastly, may I be the first to congratulate the Yankees on collecting their first win against the Red Sox in 2009. As much fun as it was pretending this could last all season, you knew it was just a matter of time, especially once Francona put John "White Flag" Smoltz on the hill.
  

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