Sunday, November 8, 2009

Week 9 Recap: They're All Screwing Me!


We're halfway through the NFL regular season, as Week 9 came, and saw, and conquered. But what of our valiant morons? Is Cole moving closer to a division crown and a playoff berth? Is RWPilk keeping pace with the wild card leaders? And will either of them shut up and just play the game for once? For more on that, we go to our antiheroes.

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall
Erwin Schrödinger was an Austrian theoretical physicist in the early 20th century. Like all theoretical physicists, he was completely insane. One day (presumably frustrated after trading away Oppenheimer in his fantasy nuclear-scientist league) he put his beloved cat Verschränkung* in a box. He told the authorities that the cat was either alive or dead, and there was no way of knowing until the box was opened**. Schrödinger was given a doctoral degree for this, but was sentenced to work in a university for his wanton cruelty.

In honor of Dr. Schrödinger, I hereby present the first ever Candy Lineup, in which we count down the five biggest performances wasted on the bench, and compare them to the starter they should have replaced.

5. David Garrard, QB, JAC (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
18 pts vs. 11 pts for Donovan McNabb
Sure, last week the roles were reversed, with McNabb catching fire while Garrard struggled. But which defense would you rather face: the Chiefs or the Cowboys?

4. Jay Cutler, QB, CHI (The Cashmere Sweater)
31 pts vs. 16 pts for Peyton Manning
You're never going to sit Peyton Manning. Ever. Even on his bye week you're probably better off starting him than 20% of the NFL's starters. But Gi's in a close game, and the extra 15 points would've been nice.

3. Steve Breaston, WR, ARI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
14 pts vs. 2 pts for Calvin Johnson
Before the 1:00 games, I asked DennyP! which of these two I should start. Everyone I read online suggested Johnson was the better play, despite Breaston filling in for the injured Anquan Boldin. Now, Johnson is supposed to be a top-flight receiving option (or he was, anyway, before the season started) so I started him and immediately tweeted, "Everyone else, you should go start Breaston." So point to DennyP! on that one.

2. Greg Olson, TE, CHI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
25 pts vs. 2 pts for Fred Davis
I saw a wrapup that said, "Olsen has never had a game like this in his NFL career, and probably never will again, either." Between Olsen and Matt "Khan" Forte (he of the five carries), I'm convinced Lovie Smith hates me and is calling plays to deliberately screw me over. Whatever I did to you, Lovie, I'm sorry. I will now stick my head in the radiator.

1. Kurt Warner, QB, ARI (Off the Wagon)
40 pts vs. 3 pts for Joe Flacco
I was really excited when I saw that Warner was destroying the hapless Bears because I knew his owner was going against the Moops, second in my division. It wasn't until later I realized the mistake. Poor Fred. Last week he started Warner and collected nine points off five interceptions, as Flacco earned a modest 13 points against Denver. Now instead of scoring the most points as a team, Fred has to sweat out the Monday night game and hope Rashard Mendenhall doesn't beat him.

We feel your pain here at SSFA!. In honor of the Candy Lineup Performance of the Week, we ask you to help Fred out for next week: vote in the poll at right and tell us who you think will do better next week, Warner vs. Seattle or Flacco vs. Cleveland. I'm leaning towards Flacco myself so, if I were you, Fred, I'd run the exact opposite way of that.

*-Named after the cat's habit of playing with yarn. It's cuter in German, trust me.
**-Spoiler alert: the cat was dead.

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

The phrase "sure thing" will not appear under my name again. I was able to jinx just about every "sure thing" with my Week 9 preview. Green Bay got owned Tampa Bay (one of the opponents I drafted GB for in the first place) and WR Reggie Wayne THREW an interception. What in God's name happened there? Jesus, doesn't my team have enough to worry about right now without my players racking up penalty stats from other positions? Reggie, catch the ball. Don't go all Eddie Murphy on me. No one listens to "Party all the Time."

Baltimore K Stephen Hauschka performed so poorly he has me screaming back to Neil Rackers (who totaled 11 points, a season high, in the week I dropped him). This is the position I'm in, people. I'm chasing kickers here.

There are five games left in our fantasy season. Five. I have to win, who are we kidding, all of them if I want a shot at play offs. Makin' a fool of me... by God, you people better get this together! Or a whole night of listening to Eddie Murphy records. The "music" ones!

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