Week 13 Recap: Zero Hour

-Fifteen points, are you ****ing me?-

One week left in the regular season and our authors are furiously scrambling to prepare for the playoffs. What went down in Week 13? Well, don't just stand there! Get's some pants on and let's go get the lowdown!

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st Overall

A disappointing week for Ray Rice means I picked up a loss to fall to 10-3. But I still clinched the best record since Gi and Mark both lost, leaving them both at 8-5 with one week left. Not that it means anything but, hey, it's kinda nice. I was hoping I could at least wreak havoc with the playoff picture by throwing my game against Alex, who went into this week tied for the wild card lead at 6-6 and was down two with only his kicker left last night. Unfortunately, the Baltimore kicker gave him only two, giving him a tie and meaning he can't reach the 8-6 record he'll need to make the playoffs anyway. This makes my game extremely uninteresting, unless of course Rob and Aunt Deb tie.

Meanwhile, I am obliged to acknowledge the thrashing I experienced in my other league. Tip your cap to Ted, who beat me handily in the other league despite Adrian Peterson scoring a measly five points. You win this round, Hall. Actually, given how soundly I was beaten, you'll probably win the next round too, if there is one. Damn.

In actual football news, it was a weird week for Saints fans, as they saw their team let the Washington Redskins (?!) put up 30 points in three quarters and drive down for a game-winning 23-yard field goal. Except they missed the field goal, the Saints scored a touchdown in something like 30 seconds, and went on to win in overtime. Cajuns everywhere are choking on their boudin. This is, historically, one of the most unlucky franchises in professional sports. Gifts like that don't happen for the Saints, they happen TO the Saints, but this team has already won at least three or four games they should have lost. You only hope it catches up to them in the regular season and not in the playoffs, where a one-week letdown means disappointment.

The Candy Lineup Performance of the Week returns, as it conveniently disappeared just as I was due to get raked over the coals. The Himalayan Walking Shoes put up 102 points, but could've had a few more, had they chosen to sit either Chris Brown (26 total yards, a TD, and an interception) or Devin Hester (44 total yards) for Brandon Jacobs, who scord an impressive 22 points thanks in large part to a 74-yard touchdown that I can only assume was a screen pass gone horribly right. So the choice for you, readers, is between Brown (vs Seattle) or Jacobs (vs Philly). Leave your choice in the comments.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

I won this week and retained my spot in the standings. I love this league.

That aside, the headline is I won. And scored well doing it; the one-two punch I need if I'm to have a shot to play past next week. One more week to go... and I'm all a-quiver.

Last week I made a record of how the CBS Guru thought my players would do. Alright, Guru. Do that voodoo, that you do, really really poorly (second number is actual Week 13 stat).

QB Brees 21 / 26
RB McCoy 15 / 2
RB Sproles 2 / 13
WR Wayne 14 / 4
WR Austin 13 / 16
TE Boss 10 / 2
WR Marshall 14 / 15
K Gould 11 / 5
DST Packers 7 / 21

Fine, Guru. Kudos for ballparkin' the total, but your individual picks remind me of a bunch of blind paraplegics doing a Navy SEAL obstacle course. It's good to know that the "experts" and I share a similar strategy in fantasy sports: guessing. Whatever happens here at SSFA!, I'll chalk that up as a point for RWPilk's fantasy sports theory. -chalk squeaks-

I'm looking that the standings, and I'm not liking what I see. The fate of the Sweet Fancy Moses may rest with a heart blacker than Michael Jackson. Young Michael Jackson. You know, "ABC". Or when he turned into that panther. That panther was pretty black. Alright, but more on that next week. In the meantime kids, practice your cowering.

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Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

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Week 9 Recap: They're All Screwing Me!

-Twiiiiiiiiix!-

We're halfway through the NFL regular season, as Week 9 came, and saw, and conquered. But what of our valiant morons? Is Cole moving closer to a division crown and a playoff berth? Is RWPilk keeping pace with the wild card leaders? And will either of them shut up and just play the game for once? For more on that, we go to our antiheroes.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall
Erwin Schrödinger was an Austrian theoretical physicist in the early 20th century. Like all theoretical physicists, he was completely insane. One day (presumably frustrated after trading away Oppenheimer in his fantasy nuclear-scientist league) he put his beloved cat Verschränkung* in a box. He told the authorities that the cat was either alive or dead, and there was no way of knowing until the box was opened**. Schrödinger was given a doctoral degree for this, but was sentenced to work in a university for his wanton cruelty.

In honor of Dr. Schrödinger, I hereby present the first ever Candy Lineup, in which we count down the five biggest performances wasted on the bench, and compare them to the starter they should have replaced.

5. David Garrard, QB, JAC (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
18 pts vs. 11 pts for Donovan McNabb
Sure, last week the roles were reversed, with McNabb catching fire while Garrard struggled. But which defense would you rather face: the Chiefs or the Cowboys?

4. Jay Cutler, QB, CHI (The Cashmere Sweater)
31 pts vs. 16 pts for Peyton Manning
You're never going to sit Peyton Manning. Ever. Even on his bye week you're probably better off starting him than 20% of the NFL's starters. But Gi's in a close game, and the extra 15 points would've been nice.

3. Steve Breaston, WR, ARI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
14 pts vs. 2 pts for Calvin Johnson
Before the 1:00 games, I asked DennyP! which of these two I should start. Everyone I read online suggested Johnson was the better play, despite Breaston filling in for the injured Anquan Boldin. Now, Johnson is supposed to be a top-flight receiving option (or he was, anyway, before the season started) so I started him and immediately tweeted, "Everyone else, you should go start Breaston." So point to DennyP! on that one.

2. Greg Olson, TE, CHI (Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine)
25 pts vs. 2 pts for Fred Davis
I saw a wrapup that said, "Olsen has never had a game like this in his NFL career, and probably never will again, either." Between Olsen and Matt "Khan" Forte (he of the five carries), I'm convinced Lovie Smith hates me and is calling plays to deliberately screw me over. Whatever I did to you, Lovie, I'm sorry. I will now stick my head in the radiator.

1. Kurt Warner, QB, ARI (Off the Wagon)
40 pts vs. 3 pts for Joe Flacco
I was really excited when I saw that Warner was destroying the hapless Bears because I knew his owner was going against the Moops, second in my division. It wasn't until later I realized the mistake. Poor Fred. Last week he started Warner and collected nine points off five interceptions, as Flacco earned a modest 13 points against Denver. Now instead of scoring the most points as a team, Fred has to sweat out the Monday night game and hope Rashard Mendenhall doesn't beat him.

We feel your pain here at SSFA!. In honor of the Candy Lineup Performance of the Week, we ask you to help Fred out for next week: vote in the poll at right and tell us who you think will do better next week, Warner vs. Seattle or Flacco vs. Cleveland. I'm leaning towards Flacco myself so, if I were you, Fred, I'd run the exact opposite way of that.

______________
*-Named after the cat's habit of playing with yarn. It's cuter in German, trust me.
**-Spoiler alert: the cat was dead.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

The phrase "sure thing" will not appear under my name again. I was able to jinx just about every "sure thing" with my Week 9 preview. Green Bay got owned Tampa Bay (one of the opponents I drafted GB for in the first place) and WR Reggie Wayne THREW an interception. What in God's name happened there? Jesus, doesn't my team have enough to worry about right now without my players racking up penalty stats from other positions? Reggie, catch the ball. Don't go all Eddie Murphy on me. No one listens to "Party all the Time."

Baltimore K Stephen Hauschka performed so poorly he has me screaming back to Neil Rackers (who totaled 11 points, a season high, in the week I dropped him). This is the position I'm in, people. I'm chasing kickers here.

There are five games left in our fantasy season. Five. I have to win, who are we kidding, all of them if I want a shot at play offs. Makin' a fool of me... by God, you people better get this together! Or a whole night of listening to Eddie Murphy records. The "music" ones!

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