Week 10 Recap: Cha-Ching!

-Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my.-

And another bizarre week of NFL football blows past us. And a profitable one it was. Both Cole and RWPilk come away with wins against tough opponents. What's their secret? Snake oil? Magical beans? A golden goose? Nay! Just good, old-fashioned know-how. Let's go to them now and find out how the heck they did it!

Cole

Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

It was an odd week in the annals of the NFL: Bill Belichick looked like an idiot, Maurice Jones-Drew had to apologize to his fantasy owners, an owner gave the bird to the team his team was facing, and Matt "Khan" Forte got more than 10 points for the week.

I'll talk about Belichick later in the week. For now, let's go with something easy: MJD kneeling at the one-yard line. Remember when Brian Westbrook did this a couple years ago? You know, back before all those concussions, when he still had enough brain cells to do something this smart?

The difference here is that the Jaguars were losing at the time. Down 22-21, Jones-Drew broke for the end zone with just under two minutes left on the clock. Once he broke the five, though, the Jets defenders wisely stepped aside, trying to get the ball back with the maximum amount of time for their offense. Jones-Drew denied them the satisfaction, however, going into an awkward slide so the Jags could run down the clock. David Garrard took a couple of knees, and the Jaguars hit a chip shot field goal to win.

Except that a 20-yard field goal is not a guarantee. Jaguar fans should know what I'm talking about, and Saints fans -- the non-bandwagon ones anyway -- are nodding their heads. Still, credit to the embattled Jack Del Rio for orchestrating the affair. Really, Jones-Drew's apology to his fantasy owners (including himself) after the game was just icing on the cake.

Candy Lineup Performance of the Week: It was a rough week for the Vintage Pastries, as they lost big to Gi's Cashmere Sweaters. But the VPs weren't helped by the performance of Tampa Bay's Mike Clayton, who collected a mere three yards receiving. Adding insult to injury, Minnesota's Sidney Rice went for over 200 yards, while Buffalo's Lee Evans caught two touchdowns. Both players' contributions went for naught, however.

Last week, you the reading audience correctly predicted Kurt Warner (25 points) would have more fantasy points than Joe Flacco (6). So, of the three receivers, which would you start this week? Poll's on the right; let's make it two in a row.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 5-5, tied for 7th overall

Well, it was a lop-sided but victorious week for the Sweet Fancy Moses. I got big numbers from the likes of WR Marshall, WR Wayne, and the cheese head DST. Alright gentlemen, take 5. You've made your mothers proud.

One thing that did fall this week, however, is my coaching rating (based on how many points you leave on your bench). Although it hasn't come up, I've been mighty proud to say my coaching rating has been pretty high this season. But, this week I left three touchdowns on my bench. That's business as usual for Cole, but not me. My bench never has that talent. Eagles WR Maclin and Rams WR Avery put up really nice numbers this week while riding the pine. It's probably a fluke, but with WR Miles Austin stinkin' up the joint this week, and RB Brian Westbrook suffering a second concussion, it's good to have options.

Alright, Sweet Fancy Moses. Four weeks to go. Don't fail me know.

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Week 3 Recap: Oh, the Humanity!

-Oh, there he is! Down in front, four-eyes!-

Oh, Week 3. We hardly knew thee. You came into our lives, lured us to your Motel 6 room, whispered sweet nothings of victory into our ear, and we believed you. But when it was all over, we awoke in an ice filled bathtub minus a kidney and plus an insurmountable point deficit. Why, Week 3? Why!? Both Cole and RWPilk were squashed under the heel of fantasy destiny this week. Perhaps our young, mutilated protagonists have a clue as to why, but don't hold your breath. And don't forget to vote for your most disappointing player in our poll, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

Some weeks you eat the b'ar, as they say, and some weeks, the b'ar starts Matt Schaub who winds up with 28 points, giving Maurice Jones-Drew a run for your money for the "person who screwed you over the most this week" award.

Actually, there are several nominees for this prestigious award. Also in the running:

- CBS Sports. Hey, you know those little red crosses that usually mean "injured"? You should put one next to people when there's a good chance they won't play Sunday. Like Dwayne Bowe. Could've used some sort of hint he'd be inactive this week when I set my roster Sunday morning.

- Matt Forte. Most of this is my fault for assuming competence from someone associated with Tulane football, so rather than beat you unmercifully with a $5 footlong, I'll just pass on Joseph Addai's phone number. Maybe you guys can form a support group for "Bryan's disappointing first round picks" or something.

- On a related note, how about every pundit who told me, "This is the week Matt Forte breaks out!!!11one". I grant that he doubled his best week of the season, but 10 points is not what I expect from a top-three pick. If this happens again, your own genitalia will be force-fed to you through a tube.

You know it's a bad week when the Saints' DST is your top-scorer. Don't expect THAT to happen to often.

But these things happen, and there's nothing you can do but get rip-roaring drunk with your roommates, harvest their organs in a Motel 6 bathtub, and start making waiver-wire pickups and trades with a vengeance.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th Overall

I didn't catch a lot of football Sunday and thank God. A heart attack at the age of 24 is something I want to avoid. Allow me to illustrate with some simple numbers:

Larry Johnson RB: 1
Chris Cooley TE: 3
Drew Brees QB: 4

Holy balls, gentlemen. What is this, golf? The gold (foiled chocolate) medal goes T.O.; 0 pts. 0 rushing yards, 0 receiving. There's nothing like firing up the old computer one Sunday and seeing one of your star players performing as well as Stephen Hawking would. Was he even there? Cripes. And Brees, backbone of my score every week, folded like a... like... a giant, origami... man. I'm running out of puns here people, I'm upset!

By late Monday, I'll already have a losing record and all is not well with the world. I expect a lot of suspicious squinting at my roster this week, as some changes have to be made and some Week 4 match ups need to be considered. I know, I know, there's still a lot of football left, and I'm certainly not the only one hurting. But this isn't a support group, dammit. I wanna win.

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