Time To Start Tailgating

- Autumn: when a young man's fancy tu -- hey! What did I tell you?! -

Cole

Yes, it's that time of year again. Look over on ESPN and all you see are page after page of preseason prog -- hey! And if you can tear yourself away from those, there's always trouble brewing in the form of contract nego -- stop it! Anyway, if that's not enough for you, there's always the SportsNation polls, which -- Rubio?! oh come on!

Whatever. It's football season, dammit, and everyone knows it. (Even the Worldwide Leader, cherry-picking notwithstanding). High school games have already started in some parts of the country, and the college variety kicks off tomorrow with nine Division I-A games on the slate. The highlight of the night may well be the Oregon-Boise State game that features two top-25 teams, but I'll be over on ESPNU watching the North Texas-Ball State battle, a game I'm forced to refer to as the "North Texas/Balls Bowl", as a weak homage to our sometime-commenter.

For those of you who can't stand the farce of allegedly amateur college athletics, there's the usual NFL headaches piling up. The latest involves Broncos wideout Brandon Marshall, suspended indefinitely for stealing head coach Josh McDaniels' Pez dispenser or something, and a potential trade to the Jets. Only the Broncos don't want to trade him, because they know they'll get pennies on the dollar for him and would rather have a top flight receiver. And plus, McDaniels used to work for the Patriots, who have this longstanding antipathy towards the New York Jets, and then Maria slept with everybody, and Matt Cassel's evil twin is...

Wait. I got a bit confused because I'm working from home this week, and the soap operas are only confusing things for me. Regardless, it's a good thing no one's saving this drama for their mamas, because that means one more potential matchup the Tony Kornheisers of the world don't have to work to discuss. Broncos-Jets? Brandon-Marshall-Gate! Jets-Vikings? That-Guy-Whose-Name-I-Refuse-To-Mention-Gate! Eagles-Browns? Hey-It's-Puppy-Killer-Mike-Vick-Against-A-Team-Whose-Name-Is-Tangentially-Related-To-Dogs-Maybe-Gate! Broncos-Vikings? The-Extremely-Unhappy-Quarterback-Wide-Receiver-Tandem-Gate! Exciting.*

Now, though, it's time for me to start getting ready for Seinfeld League Draft 2: Draft Harder. Otherwise, how am I supposed to compete with these people?

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*-Well, except for the fact that none of these matchups are scheduled for the regular season. But you get the idea.

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Also Receiving Votes (Other Stories We Missed)

-All right, good job, but I'm not gonna call you 'Esteban'.-

Cole

Six things to keep you occupied while waiting for the live blog to start tomorrow:

The Arizona Republic reports that the idea for "Shaq Vs." was stolen from teammate Steve Nash. Who knew the Big Aristotle was capable of such ... Shaqstabbing?

The Red Sox are getting an integral part of their team back tonight. In the immortal words of Hall of Famer Dennis Eckersley, "Thank God."
As @MikeCostelloe put it: "Plaxico Burress gets a new deal! 2 yrs, $0.0 mil, nothing up front but, depending on the showers, plenty in back, with a 2-yr club option."

Jemele Hill -- remember her? She of the "Celtics = Hitler" comparison? -- is back in the news again for suggesting Packer fans give B**** F**** the "Duracell treatment". Nice going there; not like F**** wasn't going to be in full body armor for that game anyway. (And no, before you complain, I did NOT suggest something analogous last week. I specifically said I WASN'T suggesting throwing aluminum beer bottles at Johnny Damon from the Monster Seats.)

Let the record show that Tulane men's basketball team beat Memphis in 2008. Twice. Hey, you root for the Green Wave long enough, you take what you can get. (Can I just say, by the way, that voiding wins is the least effective punishment ever? Hit offenders where they'll actually feel it: their wallets.)

Chad Ochocinco decided to inject some life into the always moribund preseason by kicking an extra point and the ensuing kickoff in last night's game against the Patriots, thereby saving everyone from having to listen to hours upon hours of how well Tom Brady responded to getting hit. And since the final score was 7-6, you could say Ochocinco kicked the game-winning extra point. You won't, because it's the preseason and no one cares, but you could.

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In Which We Pretend to Care About the NFL Preseason

-Ha, they mispelled "Eepsw". Those jerks.-

Cole

The Boston Red Sox' season* came to a crashing halt Sunday night, as the Sox did their best to remind fans of the infamous Boston Massacre. If only there were some way to distract from this so I didn't have to write ab -- oh look! It's the NFL!

Yes, the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills clashed in the annual Hall of Fame Game this weekend, kicking off a month of meaningless exhibitions. If you missed it, don't worry: I started my preparations for the upcoming season by watching the whole first quarter before sending in a backup. There were a couple of highlights though, chief among them the AFL tribute uniforms.


This year is the 50th anniversary of the American Football League, so the league's original eight franchises will be donning awesome throwback jerseys throughout the year to celebrate. This means everyone's favorite public drunk Patriots' logo will be making an occasional reappearance. Paul Lukas over at Uni Watch blog did a better job detailing the throwbacks -- refs included -- than I could ever do, so go check that out.

Equally awesome was the play here, the first score of the new season. Football, I think, is unique in the use of trick plays. Oh sure, baseball has the hidden-ball trick and whatever, but if you pull that kind of stuff in baseball, you're known as a bush-league amateur. In football, you're known as a bold visionary (and then some). So NFL coaches (because I'm POSITIVE Bill Belichick reads this blog all the time), incorporate more trickeration on a weekly basis, especially on fourth down. Look at it this way: the games will be more interesting, the fans will talk about the team more, and the media will be slower to call for your head if the team doesn't perform well.

Assuming the trick plays work, that is.

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* - Not to go all George Carlin on it, but is that right? "Red Sox' season"? Are we sure it's not "Red Sox's season"? "Red Socks' season"? "Passers by"?

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