Nine Head Coaches Who Ruined Your Fantasy Season (Part I)

- It's just not Eric Mangini's day. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-4, 108 points in week 16

With the close of week 16, it's time for that time-honored tradition among unsuccessful fantasy football owners: the airing of grievances, in which blame is assigned to everybody but themselves for their crappy fantasy teams. Since I fall in that category, here's a list of the worst real coaches for fantasy purposes.

(This post went longer than I originally anticipated, so I'm saving the last four for tomorrow.)

9. Bill Belichick (New England Patriots)
No, I'm not listing him for that whole fourth-down thing against the Colts, and I'm not going to criticize his defense's performance, since I told you the Patriots' defense was going to be weak this year. I am, however, going to include him based on his egregious sin of the "running back by committee". True, injuries limited the damage this did, and the Pats don't run the ball especially well anyway. But I'm 25 points up in my two-week finals because Dave started Laurence Maroney (0 points) as opposed to Sammy Morris (15 points).

8. Josh McDaniels (Denver Broncos)
Pilk wants me to include him for his little pissing match with Brandon Marshall at the beginning of the season, and that's fair, since it cost Marshall some playing time and left fantasy owners scrambling a little. But it also meant Marshall became an absolute steal once he found the field, so really, his megalomanaical power play turned into a solid sleeper pick, as well as helping team discipline.

7. Eric Mangini (Cleveland Browns)
If you were relying on any members of the Cleveland Browns to take you to the fantasy football promised land, well, then I'm sorry for you. But when you consider the stellar performances of Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs over the second half of the season, it's a little infuriating to think that Mangini kept trotting out Jamal Lewis week after wasted week. I'd complain about the whole nuclear-launch-code-style secrecy surrounding the choice between Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn, but if those were your starting quarterback options, you'd wait as long as possible to make your decision public too. Poor dude was probably hoping for a cyanide pill.

6. Jeff Fisher (Tennessee Titans)
Fisher at least made strides over last year, making sure touchdown vulture extraordinaire LenDale White saw more than his fair share of pine. But to stubbornly insist on playing your 40-year-old career journeyman quarterback despite starting the season 0-5, and despite being down 45-0 at halftime, and despite having the third-overall pick in the 2006 draft holding a clipboard... The Titans haven't looked like quite the world-beaters they were last year, but they looked a lot closer once Vince Young started taking the field. Frankly, the only thing saving Fisher's skin in real life is his 13 years with the team, and his hypnotically sweet moustache.

5. Dick Jauron (formerly Buffalo Bills)
The guy lost his job, so maybe that's enough, but if Fisher gets mentioned for sticking with Collins too long, I have to complain about Jauron: "Oh, look at that, Marshawn Lynch is back from his suspension. And just in time too! It's not like Fred Jackson was tearing up the lea... he was? Oh. Well, we can't have that." Factor in the early success of Ryan Fitzpatrick and you wonder just what exactly he was using to assign playing time.

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MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege Kenny Bania Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to Den Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

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Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on. Read more...

Well, is he or isn't he?!

-This is not the Patriot you're looking for...-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th overall

Quick shout out to the NE Patriots this afternoon. Hey, Pats! How are you? Grab a beer, hang out. You wanna throw in for a pizza? Whaddaya mean you just ate? You knew you were coming over! Well, what am I gonna eat? Ah, screw it. You see, my years of wrought animosity towards you has been softened by your average performance this year. I even, God help me, have stopped myself from coming to your defense in a New England sports media storm that thinks a 2-1 record is reason hole up in some kind of sports fan bomb shelter. Take it easy people. It's Week 3.

Still, that doesn't mean it's not business as usual in Belichickville. I've already pointed out Bill's cloak-and-dagger policy concerning his DL, and just this last Sunday cornerback Wilhite mysteriously rode the pine. Apparently there was some kind of intruder disturbance at Wilhite's home Sunday morning. That's scary, I ain't messin' with that. But watching everyone in the Belichick regime trying to get their story straight is fun. Let's watch!

First of all, Wilhite was spotted warming up with other members of the team Sunday. So, whatever happened Sunday morning... Wilhite suited up and showed up. Cut to after the game: in his press conference, Belichick stated that Wilhite "was injured" Sunday morning. When? At home? After he suited up to play? When grilled, Wilhite's agent also stated: "The injury is nothing serious... It's a police matter. The kid is fine." I don't think statements that include "injury" and "police matter" theoretically should end with a smile, a thumbs up, and a "s'all good!" But that's just me.

It sounds like a private matter and that's perfectly legitimate and fine. I even give props to Wilhite for showing up. God knows if I was attacked by a team of elite ninjas in my home while I'm making coffee one morning (which I'm assuming is what happened), I ain't going to work. Just, why all the smoke and mirrors? Will a public statement of support and need for privacy really give opponents a look inside the this impenetrable 2009 fortress of... field goals? By confusing the press, you just attract more attention. Perhaps the Pats D should adopt this organization's policy with the press. No one would talk to each other, but at least every opposing team would be shut out.

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Another Pats "Retirement"

-Come with me if you want to win-

RWPilk

More breaking news from the New England Patriots defense: Richard Seymour is packing his bags and heading to Oakland. Poor bastard. Head coach and humanitarian Bill Belichick has ended the career of yet another key defensive player by shipping him to the Raiders for some draft pick in 2011. 2011? Jesus, Bill. Thinking ahead is one thing, it's another to think you're going to draft a hovering, cyborg car beef up your blitzes.

It was just last week that everyone was up in arms about the Bruschi "retirement". Citing how Belichick was all weepy during the final press conference, how Bruschi may have been "thinking" of quitting anyway, that the Pats organization was one big Hallmark card, shying away from any theories that Tedy was actually strong-armed into packing up his blue and red undies. The breaking news Sunday points to a different trend. Belichick is almost certainly spearheading an overhaul of a New England defense that has been struggling the last few years. SI's Fantasy Football Special ranked them 12th (well before the Bruschi/Seymour loses), citing the fact that Belichick will employ some kind of "defensive wizardry," but noncomittedly admitted any small shove from a respectable team sends the whole system sprawling on its back like a small turtle you've flipped over and considered for an ashtray. It looks like the changes will be big, and drafting a whole NE defense scrambling to find their rhythm with a new system seems silly and counter productive.

Some of you sports blog surfers have speculated that Belichick is changing the defense from a 3-4 to a 4-3. If you're wondering what that sound is, it's the noise of crickets.... I have no idea what 3-4 or 4-3 means. Whatever. No one can blame any of the NE staff looking to make some improvements to their D-Fence, but for anyone still trying to argue that Belichick is harboring the rest of the region's sentimental inclinations to franchise players, the proof is in the pudding.

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Y'all Can't Do Tedy Like THIS!

-Bill wanted me to tell you, Tedy Bear... door's that way.-

RWPilk

Attention all fantasy footballers! Anyone getting in on some late drafting action and had their (lazy) eye on the soft, nougat-filled New England defense, drop that fork! Sunday night it broke that defensive captain and merit badge champion Tedy Bruschi is retiring. Of course, "retire" is a term we'll use loosely. The guy is 36, hasn't been a play-maker in a few years, and is really better known for injuries and health problems more than anything else. He's probably retiring just as much as Nixon resigned. Still, for whatever reason, he's a big ole' deal in New England and will sure to be getting a classy, tear-filled send off.

I don't have a huge problem with Bruschi. By all accounts he's a good guy, I just feel I'm the only one wondering how someone has a stroke at 30. C'mon man, don't get benched by aliments most found in retirement homes. What team you think you're on, the Red Sox? Well whatever, the point is there's already some squabbling over how coach Bill Belichick is being so great by not officially cutting a guy who has basically been an unofficial, non-plush mascot for the last 5 years. Well, here's a preemptive shout from the peanut gallery: the hell with that.

You wouldn't know it to talk to any NE fan, but Belichick is a dick. A notorious one. Outside the haze of self-congratulatory back-slapping of the northeast are rampant stories of Belichick's shady practices and Machiavellian brand of sportsmanship. And long before the Spygate thing too. My favorite is his cussing out opposing team medics for rushing to his player's side after a dangerous hit. Or Tom Brady's mysterious "questionable" injury status that was retained throughout the dynasty seasons. Careful what you wish for, Bill.

So, yeah, cornering an aging, big-heart/come-up-short franchise guy into "retiring" shouldn't be getting one lick of admiration. We all know what drives those evil glares and revealing press conferences, Bill: a heart of freezing, craggy ice. It certainly explains all the sweatshirts.

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