Fantasy Football '09 Wrap Up: Live!

-No pressure, big guy.-

Uh... so, yeah. Our authors Cole and RWPilk gotta little tied up yesterday and didn't keep up with any of the live blogging. I mean they were literally tied up. Yeah, Albanian rebels seized their apartment and drank all their beer right in front of them. Good God, the humanity. But they're back now and ready to enjoy some MNF and discuss the epic match up that was this weekend (and perhaps this oh, so illustrious fantasy season as a whole). So get the refresh button ready... 'cause it be on!

Monday Night Football
Giants vs Redskins
8:30pm on ESPN

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall
Current Score: 93

Alright, let's kick this mofo off. Apologies for the abandoned live blog yesterday for those who joined us for awesomeness. But we'll try and bring the awesomeness here tonight, it hasn't expired yet. We smelled it to make sure. Our fantasy teams were busy, however, doing what they do best: scoring points and inspiring heavy drinking. But more on that later.

And that was kick off, Giants with the ball. Fantasy players aside (Ganther and Boss for me tonight) I think I'm rooting for the Giants tonight. They're so scrappy. You just wanna eat'em up! And that's Bradshaw already with a TD. He'll enjoy it on my bench.

Cole
Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Current Score: 59

ell, you really did it to me this time, Pilki -- ait, the Giants are scrappy? They're from Ne York. No one from Ne York has ever been the "little guy". No ay.

But my life is miserable tonight. My fantasy team embarrassed itself out there all around. Every crappy bust I had all year let me down, but so did every clever pickup I made this eek. No my thumbs are broken, I'm eating soup and toast because I have no money for food, and I broke my "vv" key, so you on't see any of those all night.

Oh good, now it's time for Tom Coughlin and Jim Zorn to star in "The Men ho Stare Blankly at the Field." Aesome.

RWPilk
Cole's had a tough week, the prophetic missing "w" from his keyboard. Yes. No "w" for Cole this week, barring some kind of TE Fred Davis miracle game. Bradshaw is kicking ass tonight. Perhaps RB Ganther was a bad replacement move... Oh man, that's another touchdown for him. Between him and TE Todd Heap, my coaching rating is going straight into the toilet.

Cole
Coach rating. hat a pain in the ass. All that means is you have no options on your bench that are in the vicinity of being orthhile. You ant a useful measure, look at points. For instance, Mark ill be joining you in the finals despite being ... 10th in the league?! hat the hell is that shit? hatever.

Regardless, I don't kno hat I'm going to do next eek no. atch the games normally? Then I'll end up critiquing things like the fact that the Redskins are earing red pants and red jerseys. Yamahama.

RWPilk
It's Giants 17, Redskins nothing with just over 6 minutes left in the 2Q. This a really quick game. So let's get to the nitty gritty: Cole, my man, what the hell happened this week? I was shaking in my boots all week. 11-3! No one close to that record. Now you need TE Davis to score like 40 points to have a prayer against the Moses. Give us the breakdown.

Cole
Oh it's broken. Look, here's the deal: my running backs had orse eeks than your receivers. Like infinitely orse. Chris Johnson scored 13 and Ray Rice had nine, but hen Reggie ayne and Miles Austin both drop 19 on me, it's a big hole to climb back from.

I got eight points from both of my receivers combined, and a nice -1 from Arian Foster, thanks to a fumble on the first drive and subsequent burial on the bench by Gary "Captain Hook" Kubiak. But I'd like to give a big middle-finger to the asshole ho said, "Hopefully u weren't burned by the #Texans backfield. Yes, Foster was a hot pickup, but that didn't make him a must-play!!!" Maybe not, but the fact that everyone and their mother told me to start him, that made him a must-play.

One more thing I've learned here this season: if you have a defense that you picked up off aivers, and they're ranked #1 based solely on their ability to score defensive touchdons, you should trade them for a real defense before they crap the bed against decent offenses. But that's another story for another day.

RWPilk
I've been between 1st and 3rd all season with my receiving. Austin, Marshall, Wayne. Can't complain there (although I'm sure I did a bunch of times). To be honest, I thought I was finished after Saturday night's special presentation of Thursday night football when Brees walked away from the game with 1 TD, 1 pick, 2 fumble, and 11 points. With the New Orleans defeat, I thought Cole had sealed the deal. I didn't really relax until RB McCoy found the end zone Sunday evening. I really thought you had it.

The Redskins just bombed it down the field. Positive yards for these guys. Finally. And a drop in the end zone by Fred Davis. Yikes.

Cole
Until McCoy? You ere up 30 from the end of the Saturday night game on. This as a orse game than the Redskins-Giants debacle e're currently atching. hat is that deal ith that special teams debacle by the Redskins at the end of the half. Oy.

RWPilk
Halftime: Giants 24, Redskins 0. I think Jim Zorn has left. He's bored. Like us. How many competitive games have we live blogged? One? We're a total live blog jinx.

I'd like to give a shout out to the four votes that came in to our poll today voting for me after yesterday's score was posted. I admire your courage. Thomas Jefferson, Susan B. Anthony, residents of the new Iraq... you share their spirit. Shine on.

Cole
Hey, I voted for you like 4 pm yesterday. Until next time, Gadget.

RWPilk
No, no, no, you're not going anywhere yet. Fred Davis just scored a touchdown. That puts you down by only 29! This is what we call a code red, people! Well, maybe not red. A more soothing color. A code lavender!

Cole
Yeah, pause. That's orth a pause. Oh, hello Kevin Boss.

RWPilk
Boss ran down an official. That should be extra points. That puts me at 99 and Cole at 67. Summer of Love, Bryan. Summer of Love.

Cole
Yeah yeah aesome. Meanhile, I spent hours and hours poring over scouting reports, carefully selecting a lineup, and I got outscored by pretty much everyone else in the league. If you're going to lose, you might go out with a bang so people say, "Man! No that guy got CANNED!" Losing on a nebulous tiebreaker ould almost be orse.

RWPilk
Wow... just-- wow. Jason Campbell just lobbed it to an opposing player like they were playing catch out in the ol' back yard. That makes it 38 to 6, Giants. Bryan reports that "Redskins" is a trending topic over at Twitter. It's popular like slowing down to see a bloody accident on the side of the road is popular.

Cole
Redskins punch it in but don't get the to-point conversion. This isn't even a game. This isn't even an approximation of a game. This is like, if you're playing Cranium and you have to dra a picture of "football game" with your eyes closed and your left hand, that's what this game is.

ait, as that Ganther? Oh for...can I go already?

RWPilk
Oh, they're throwing punches! They're fighting! Oh man. This game is awful. Even the players are like f*** it, let's rumble. And, yes, that was RB Ganther in the end zone... making me not look like a complete idiot.

Cole
Fred Davis collects a couple more yards in garbage time and I at least collected 12 points from my tight end. I don't kno hen the last time I got that many points from a tight end, but I did get 16 over my last five eeks. Lovie Smith and Greg Olsen, you too are not on my Christmas card list. You either Matt Forte.

Ah, scre it. One more time!

RWPilk
We've said it before, tight ends are tough. Anything four is an above average score for them. Unless you have Clark or something. Alright the commentators are talking about how tall the Manning brothers are. If they can't make this game interesting, we sure as hell aren't. Any last words, Cole?

Cole
I can't post that Khan video again, can I?

RWPilk
No.

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Sabbath Day Spectacular: Live!

-Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Can't we settle on a handshake?-

Join us one and all for one damn good fantasy football showdown! Our authors Cole and RWPilk are locked head-to-head in an end-all, be-all playoff battle! Who will win? Who's fantasy sports theory will have to eat the most crow? It's all come down to this! Our brave scribes will update throughout today with live updates on their score as today's NFL happenings will seal their fates forever! So, keep that refresh button ready (most recent updates at the top) and watch all the insanity unfold! It's on!

Live Score:
Cole's Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine: 59
RWPilk's Sweet Fancy Moses: 92
-total Sunday score-

RWPilk
I'm lucking out here with two fumbles by Cole's guys early in the 1pm game. RBs Johnson and Foster with the butter fingers... Meanwhile in the Patriots game, Bills look like they could give them a little trouble. But it at least look like Moss is paying attention this week.

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall

I really expected a lot of trash talking, but mercifully both parties seem to be playing the humble defeatist card, trying to out-woe the other all weekend. It's another battle I'm prepared to lose this weekend, and as I shiver in my still-heatless room, I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. Rob has a 49-10 advantage on me with Brees, Austin and Wayne down; mercifully, that's most of his big guns, but it still means I'll have to have a very good week in order to beat him, especially given the five points I got from both the Saints' defense and kicker.

Couple of last-minute audibles: Matt Forte finds the bench -- again -- in favor of Arian Foster of Houston, while Antonio Bryant of Tampa Bay replaces the off-again, off-some-more-again Calvin Johnson who should see quadruple coverage against the Cardinals.

Oh well. At least the house Christmas party means that I've started drinking already.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall

I can't tell if I'm in good shape or not. While WR Reggie Wayne and WR Miles Austin were pretty great... however Brees just barely got into double digits with 11 points. Not good. Still, there's a lot of football left. My score won't change until after 4pm EST... But here's hoping that Cole's team doesn't get too far ahead before that happens. Yikes.

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This Monday: MNF Live Blog!

-Our prediction? Pain. And jambalaya.-

Yes, it's that time of year again! It's time for another installment of SSFA! Live Blogging! This week: Patriots and Saints Monday Night Football! Awesome. Join Cole and RWPilk as they blog it out whilst these two teams engage in what is sure to be one of the best MNF matchups of the year. Who knows what'll happen or who will join us! Maybe Santa! Would like that, kids? Would you like it if Santa live blogged with Cole and RWPilk? Leave out some PBR and cookies and we'll talk.

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
Monday, November 30th, 2009
ESPN at 8:30pm

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Live Blog: MNF Packers vs Vikings!

-Are you ready for some embarrassment?!-

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm EST on ESPN

Welcome one and all! Sit back and bear witness to a fantasy football showdown: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blogging extravaganza! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Alright! Welcome one and all to SSFA!'s 2nd live blog! Come on in and warm yourself by the fire of burning football wreckage!

RWPilk
And for those that don't know, this was Cole and I's first and only match up week in our league And I'm sorry to say that, barring some kind of Green Bay D miracle tonight (40+ points) he will win. But more on that later. MNF is on Packers! Vikings! That Favre guy! Let's do it!

Cole
Aaaand Mike Tirico kicks off with hyperbole #1: "If you built a Mount Rushmore of Green Bay, B**** F**** would be on it." Sigh.

RWPilk
Who else would be on it? A dairy cow?

Cole
I dunno ... Vince Lombardi? Bart Starr? Curly Lambeau? Aaannd... yeah all right, fine. F****. Hyperbole continues, by the way. I'm pretty sure Adrian Peterson is not the best runner of all time after one full season.

RWPilk
Bryan, looking into the crowd, can we possibly quantify how many bad hats we're gonna see tonight? Cheese. Horns. This has gotta be the worst game to attend and actually sit behind someone.

Cole
Donald Lee with an athletic move, and the Pack is having some success with the short game on the first drive; they're already near the 50.

RWPilk
"He could play in space!" ...I don't know what that means, announcer man. And a fumble. Here we go Packers D! What are the chances of 17 sacks and 21 picks?

Cole
Welp, You-Know-Who is on the field now. For those of you playing the F**** drinking game, my condolences to your families, as you clearly won't survive this. Please note, by the way, F**** is working with Adrian Peterson, not vice versa. If this team succeeds, it's because Peterson runs over everyone. Or because F**** doesn't throw 90 picks.

RWPilk
Taunting! I don't get points for taunting, Packers! Jesus. Keep the pie holes shut and just sack, sack, sack.

Cole
Look on the bright side: one big hit, and the fate of the Vikings rests in the hands of one Tarvaris Jackson. Or Sage Rosenfels.

RWPilk
Ah, and there it is. He was wide open! What are you people doing!? Adrian Peterson! And, by the way, is it just me or does Favre look like a kid wearing his dad's clothes? That jersey is like Refrigerator Perry size! -rimshot- That's right folks, I just made a successful NFL joke. I know a little bit.

Cole
Nooo! Pilk! Ixnay on the intelligence. You'll blow our cover!

RWPilk
Actually I only know that because I know the a jeweler who worked for the company that produced the Superbowl rings that year for the Steelers. He said you could fit a dachshund in Perry's ring. A dachshund! Anyway. Awesome play, Packers. And now it's a game.

Cole
...Perry played for the Bears. He shuffled and everything! Back to normal. Phew. And just in time for F**** to retake the field.

RWPilk
Is it too much ask for a pick? Aw thanks, Harvin. I need more Vikings to down themselves in the backfield. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say pause for that. I'll sleep better.

Colebag, can we talk about the Eagles for a moment? We both got some big guns coming back for week 5. And I know, at least in my case, it's not soon enough.

Cole
Oh what, now? Oops. Okay. I know McNabb practiced today, haven't heard anything about Westbrook yet.

Uh oh. Meanwhile, Rodgers gets his bell rung on a huge sack and a terrible pass. Looks more and more like Brett every day, huh Pack fans.

RWPilk
"All these Packers are trying to hit Favre right now!" Yeah. Because one good hit will remind Favre it's past his bedtime. You have weeding to do tomorrow, Brett! Weeding!

Cole
You know, this drive Peterson's been held more or less in check and F****'s been carving up the Packers' D, just like on that TD pass to Sidney Rice. Still gotta work on those celebrations with Chester Taylor, though.

RWPilk
For those watching at home who aren't getting enough Favre mentions, Sears is here to fill that void in your life. Good God. Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercial breaks. Alright, back to the game!

Cole
Vikings' defense shuts down Rodgers again, and someone's looking like an idiot for picking the Pack +3.5. And that'd be me. Oh well, still up after the week in my picks league.

RWPilk
Oh! Take it, Peterson! That a DTD for my team! Whahahahaha! You go and you think about that, Adrian!

Cole
Whoa! Good morning. What a hit on the kickoff return. Vikes get the ball back and, I assume, so will Peterson. The Packers are awake again.

RWPilk
That was a pick! C'mon refs! Oh, good christ! Stop talking about Favre's age. He's old... we all get it! I want him sacked and ground into some kind of fine, milk soluble powder. Cheers!

Cole
Oh, I see you're doing a good job making up for a mostly sober first half.

Meanwhile, can someone tell Jon Gruden we don't care what he looked like in 1992? Please, Jon, shut your face already. As we hit halftime, I never thought I'd say it, but I almost miss Tony Kornheiser. Wait, no I don't.

RWPilk
Alright. 2nd half. I'm trying to get excited, but not even Kid Rock helps. I got a bad feeling for Green Bay. Whoa that guy spray-painted his cheesehead black! "Favre for life!" I'm frightened! And there's a connection for Favre... and some guy. God dammit!

Cole
I believe that's spelt, "Favre 4 Life." Maybe "4 Lyfe" even. And you know your defense is in trouble when your cornerback is fixing his mouthpiece as his man coasts into the end zone.

RWPilk
Apparently we have a guy following SSFA! for actual sports news. Holy god. Didn't think it would happen. For the record, it's GB 14 Vikings 28, 3rd quarter. So, there you go buddy. Thanks for following? lol Wow.

Cole
Can you tell that we're new/not good at this? A big shout out to Lone Star College and whatever anonymous teacher is depending on us for updates...you poor bastard. On the off chance it's not blocked, here's the GameTracker.

Meanwhile, while we spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out where the hell Lone Star College is, the Packers have taken the ball down to the Minnesota 35, as Rodgers is connecting through the air as the pocket collapses. Nothing deep, but infinite eight-yard passes will get you there eventually.

RWPilk
Thank GOD that wasn't a fumble, and the "body part of the arm" wasn't a crucial factor. The Vikings are still stopping them on the line! C'mon Packers! Go for it on 4th down!

Cole
Fourth down from the 1.5 yard line, and GB goes empty backfield...and Donald Lee drops the pass in the end zone! Right through his hands, and a turnover on downs. Aaron Rodgers is understandably disappointed.

RWPilk
Well, I can still hope for a safety! Mwahahahaha! The most embarrassing of NFL scores! I have to say though, that was some incredible red zone defense for the Vikings.

Cole
I don't understand why the Vikings are still throwing so much here. You have Peterson, why not use him? You run down a lot more clock than F**** gunning incompletions down the sideline.

Oh, and that's the end of the 3rd quarter, still 28-14 Vikings.

Cole
Interesting play call by the Vikings: Wildcat formation, reverse gets the ball to Sidney Rice, who looks downfield before scrambling out of the pocket and wisely throwing the ball well out of bounds. Vikings punt the ball away with 13 minutes left, and called 8 passes to 3 runs during that drive. As exciting as those kind of plays are to watch, if I were a Vikings fan, I would be having a coronary about the play calling come December.

-A reenactment of the tonight's MNF announcing. C'mon people-

RWPilk
Alright. I'm not writing about Favre ever again. I've had my fill for a lifetime tonight. Just one more touchdown would make this an interesting game. Green Bay is getting another shot. Let's see what happens!

Cole
Welcome to the club, Pilk. And you know, they keep talking about how great a game F**** is having, but Rodgers has been sacked six times and F**** hasn't even hit the artificial turf recently. Add that to the fact that Ryan Grant is getting killed trying to get the ball out of his own end zone -- oop! and another sack/turnover for the Vikes' D. Conclusion: Minnesota has a world-class offensive line and defensive line. Meanwhile, the announcers have talked about how "courageous" the Vikings' ownership is, but would you hear about the line play? Yeah right.

Green Bay challenged that it was an incomplete pass rather than a fumble. Replays make it look like a safety. And Jaworski just said taking a safety is better than giving up a touchdown for the Packers. Uh, no, because the Vikings get the ball after a safety, which leads to (a) the potential for more points, and (b) more time off the clock. Attaboy, Ron.

With the reversal, Minnesota picks up two points and it's now 30-14 with 7:21 left.

RWPilk
Mike Tirico "I know we mentioned Favre is gonna turn 40 a couple of times..." A couple of times?! Jesus Christ! I think I know his shoe size, his darkest fear, and the name of his 4th grade teacher by now. Sigh. For the record: it's Packers 14, Vikings 30. 5 min left in the 4th quarter.

Cole
Rodgers' scrambling leads to a 33-yard touchdown for Jordy Nelson. The 2-point conversion fails though, because -- surprise surprise -- the Vikings apply way too much pressure. 30-20 with 3:40 left.

RWPilk
Well, I hate to say it, but it looks pretty bleak for the Packers. Especially after the missed 2pts. Packers trail by 10 in the final 3 1/2 minutes. You know Bryan, I was just reading an article about how a significant portion of the Packers team didn't even play with Favre so were not "fired up" for this game. I would have disagreed in the the first half. But now... maybe a little.

Cole
I'm not worried about that, to be honest. That's the kind of "hindpsychology" that everyone uses after the game but is completely worthless beforehand.

Speaking of worthless, let's talk about Brad Childress' terrible playcalling. After the Packers use their last timeout, Childress calls a long bomb that of course falls incomplete and gives the Packers the ball back after a mere 30 seconds. Terrifying. I said it before, I'll say it again: the Vikes win despite Childress, not because of him. Grant goes out of bounds and Green Bay is scrambling for some points with just under 2 minutes left.

RWPilk
Good God, coach McCarthy. You're the picture of confidence. Turning through your little playbook 2-ring binder like an 8th grader in desperate need of his hw. Shaking your head like you have absolutely no idea what's going on. You're killin' me man! And the seconds tick down. I congratulate Bryan on a good win this week. My team did not deliver. More on that tomorrow. Cole, some closing thoughts?

Cole
Degenerate gamblers everywhere were screaming at their TVs for Green Bay to score a touchdown and cover the spread.

Oh Christ. Now Michelle Tafoya drools over B**** F**** in the usual self-serving interview. The worst of the worst, as F**** says, "I'm always emotional," with tears in his eyes. Oh really. Well, Manny Ramirez just called; says he has some hormones to help with your menopause.

And then Mike Tirico adds insult to injury by throwing in, "You're probably sick of hearing about the drama." Yeah. Yeah we are. And now Trent Dilfer just called him, "absolute magic". I hate all types of things now.

RWPilk
And that concludes our 2nd live blog! Stay tuned for more fantasy hilarity tomorrow and thanks to all who joined us for the insanity tonight. I think I speak for both Cole and I when I say... Screw this! I'm going to bed.

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Monday Night Live Blogging!

-Two words for you, dude. "Tic, Tac."-

Cole and RWPilk are at it again! To commemorate the only week this season that our two authors will be going head-to-head, SSFA! will host another live blog for Monday Night Football! Just as Green Bay and Minnesota's rivalry spills over when Favre switches uniforms, Cole and RWPilk will put their fantasy theories to the test in this one-on-one gauntlet! So tune in for every blow, every beer, every quiet sob of bitter humiliation!
The hilarity commences Monday!

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm on ESPN

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Live Blog: Red Sox vs Yankees

- Fond memories of happier times. -

Sweet, Sweet Live Blogging Action!

Boston Red Sox vs New York Yankees

August 22nd, 2009 4:10pm EST

Airing on FOX

Welcome one and all! Crack a cold one and grab a seat in front of your collective TV and computer screens: you're at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action!'s first live blogging! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Gooooooood afternoon, everyone. I'm Cole, along here with RWPilk, and I'm frigging miserable. It's hot, the Red Sox are terrible, the Yankees are not, and I just volunteered to listen to Tim McCarver for several hours straight. Can you put me out of my misery, Rob? Please?

RWPilk
I don't know. Would booze help? How drunk do you think you can get in ten minutes? But wait, before you get blasted, let's get some predictions going since you're the only one here that really knows what he's talking about.

Cole
You want a prediction? Here's all the prediction you need. This ain't gonna be pretty.

RWPilk
Oh, lovely. Not even in the first inning we and got some irreverent link action going on. Oh, here are the batting order. And the first inning starts... Now! What's with Tazawa? Is he new? What's the deal?

Cole
Hey, you heard McCarver. He's from the Industrial League in Japan. And he's a pinhead pinpoint pitcher! As evidenced by the fact that he specifically did not hit Teixiera there. A terrible call, but it works like an IBB. Here's a drinking game for the viewers at home: drink every time A-Rod's homer against Tazawa is referenced.

RWPilk
Ah, and we got our first gem from McCarver. "Pitchers have long memories, like hitters." And unlike all the other baseball players that neither hit or pitch. Thanks, Tim.

Cole
More brain surgery there from McCarver: "Victor Martinez [you know, the catcher] is not a fast runner." And immediately after, "Cano was the cutoff between himself and first base, instead of between himself and second base." Say what?

Meanwhile, more drinking game criteria: drink every time Youkilis has some emotional outburst after sucking.

RWPilk
Jesus, how did Ortiz and Martinez make it around the bases without a homerun? Tito must have tied sticks to their helmets with like cheeseburgers dangling at the end of them. 3-0 though, I can dig it.

Cole
For those of you who tuned in expecting to see a defensive struggle with expert baserunning, well, I'm sorry, you were gravely deceived. I, for one, am terribly uncomfortable with this lead, though. The Sox need something like another five runs or so.

RWPilk
Wow, that's the first helmet-to-face injury I've seen. Pedroia! Protect that mug of yours. It's your twinkle! Besides, Dunkin Donuts needs you to be strapping. Strapping and drinking iced coffee.

Cole
Aaaand Tazawa works his way out of another awkward situation. Two innings successfully! (I thought your last post said, "it's your twinkie", by the way. We might have to get you a new font.)

RWPilk
What the hell was McCarver just talking about? What he had for dinner last night? Jesus Christ. Did you get the early bird special, Tim? Oooh, and a homerun from Alex Gonzalez. Who the hell is that?

Cole
These are the type of questions the world may never know the answers to. I love that Joe Morgan (the ex-Red Sox manager) is in the broadcast booth and not talking. And now, as Burnett walks two straight, I'ma get in on some sweet, sweet Harpoon IPA action!

Cole
Oh Kevin Youkilis, here's hoping that homer turns your frown upside down. But I still want more runs: As good as the Red Sox are playing in the first half of this game, that's how as bad I expect them to play now.

RWPilk
Does it make me a bad New Englander if I want to see the Yankees score a few to make this not a snore fest? 7-0, It's the 3rd inning and we have a football score. Anyway, at this rate, they have about 4 more hours to catch up.

Cole
I think it makes you a bad human being. I'm wicked pissed, ya traitah!

Meanwhile, for someone who got rocked by throwing A-Rod a curveball, Tazawa threw a lot of curveballs to A-Rod there. So pretty looking though.

Cole
Another couple scoreless innings, and maybe we'll be back on schedule. Man, every half inning Tazawa's on the mound is like a Law & Order episode: there's going to be all sorts of drama, even if he comes out okay in the end, and it's going to take almost an hour.

RWPilk
Tim McCarver, head squarely up Jeter's ass, is impressed with his willingness to play "everyday". Yeah let's give Jeter an MVP award for doing what most other baseball players, and most citizens of America do regularly. Not everyone works just Saturdays, jackass.

Cole
Jeter's not even the most valuable Yankee. He won't win, but remember how bad the Yankees were without Alex Rodriguez? And then started winning almost instantly after he returned? And how Mark "I'm-probably-going-to-actually-win" Teixiera instantly started hitting once A-Rod was protecting him in the lineup? A-Rod is the anti-Jeter: he's an otherworldly baseball talent, but the media can't find enough bad things to say about him.

RWPilk
They're now talking about Tom Brady and Brett Favre. As we haven't had enough of that lately. Somebody cut the mics! Ortiz homers and he gets that wonderful half-jog he likes to do around the bases. Burnett going "why why why why why?" Because, AJ, you suck. It's 8-0. Remember?

Cole
My favorite part of the Brady-F****-Vick discussion was cutting to the hot dog vendor. You know, because it's just as relevant as the football discussion. Meanwhile, Bay doubles and Swisher can't play the outfield, and now it's 9-0 after five. Am I comfortable? Eh.

RWPilk
You're not comfortable with a 9-0 lead? My God, Tazawa could start throwing a beach ball the next few innings and it would still take a while for the Yankees to catch up. What the hell I thought the Yankees were supposed to be good?

Cole
They're up 7.5 games, you know. They can play baseball. These things happen. And you have no evidence that Tazawa WON'T start throwing beach balls ... although I don't think that would help much because they wouldn't go as far, really.

Cole
Say what you will about his broadcast partner, but Jon Miller's "Two! A double play!" call is what I always think about when I see a DP.

RWPilk
...I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I love that Remy graphic. "Was not happy with the result of the game." They lost! I can assume that! God, announcing MLB must be like baking a cake with one grain of sugar. Four minutes of action and info over the course of 3 hours. And congrats to the Yankees for pulling Burnett out after 9 unanswered runs. What's that like, Bryan? Closing the barn doors after the storm?

Cole
And that's ignoring the whole terrible poetry McCarver hit us with in his description of Fenway Park. And gadzooks, Rob, but you sure hit that nail on the head. Darn tootin'.

Youk again! No matter how many Freudian slips McCarver makes, I don't think you're useless.

RWPilk
Did you see Ortiz just do his best Curly impression? How many people can you injure with one swing of the bat? If only the ump had been been hit in the foot with Posada's mask. Why, I oughta...

Cole
Welp, there goes the shutout; Nick Swisher homers to left now to cut the lead to 12-1. I like Bard, but he could use a little more break on his pitches, or a little more seasoning in the minors. Something.

RWPilk
By the way, is anyone listening to McCarver? How can someone make a living like this, using non-descript words to announce an event on national television, and used to describe player's talent, no less. At least I hope he's using it to describe their talent. Here's my summary of McCarver's announcing today:

Cole
I mean, I'm not really paying attention. Most recently, I've been reading the hate mail some NFL player "sent" to John Madden because he was the lowest-rated player in the game (fake but still funny). I will say, though, that it's still entertaining watching Jose Molina spend three innings praying to anything and everything that no one hits the ball to him.

RWPilk
Oh, naive, naive blogmate. That ain't no real letter. Anyway, Papelbon is warming up. Lot of pressure on him tonight. The slightest 11 run inning will spell his doom! God, it's me, RWPilk. Again. Thank you for that ice cream I prayed for earlier, but please please please don't make me live blog another baseball game again. Amen. P.S. Better get those wheels moving on the blu-ray player.

Cole
You know what? As Casey Kotchman drives in run number 13 (12 of which came with two outs! Thanks Tim McCarver; that was actually interesting and useful!), I gotta say, that's the perfect note to end on. What we really need are subs to come in and continue live blogging for us.

And thus concludes the first live blogging at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! We leave the game at the top of the 9th, Sox up by 13 runs. Thank you for those who joined us and read along. Next time, I think we'll try football. Or paint drying. You know, something that moves faster.

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Site Announcement: Sweet, Sweet Live Blog Action!

-Game's that way, genius.-

Attention citizens! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is about spice up that lethargic, pastry-filled, tearfest you call a life! Mwauhahaha! Just kidding, but we are "liveblogging" this coming Saturday's Red Sox vs. Yankees game, called by none other than Joe Buck and Tim "Is anyone else light-headed?" McCarver. It'll just be like having Cole and RWPilk in your living room, watching the game with-- No, no wait! Come back! It won't be like that, promise! Sorry. Stop crying. But it might be good for a few laughs (probably due to the fact that we've never done it before). So tune in and get that "refresh" button ready, cause we're gonna melt your face off.

Sweet, Sweet Liveblog Action!

Saturday, August 22nd

Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees

4:10 pm EST

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