Fantasy Football '09 Wrap Up: Live!

-No pressure, big guy.-

Uh... so, yeah. Our authors Cole and RWPilk gotta little tied up yesterday and didn't keep up with any of the live blogging. I mean they were literally tied up. Yeah, Albanian rebels seized their apartment and drank all their beer right in front of them. Good God, the humanity. But they're back now and ready to enjoy some MNF and discuss the epic match up that was this weekend (and perhaps this oh, so illustrious fantasy season as a whole). So get the refresh button ready... 'cause it be on!

Monday Night Football
Giants vs Redskins
8:30pm on ESPN

RWPilk

Current Standing: 8-6, 4th overall
Current Score: 93

Alright, let's kick this mofo off. Apologies for the abandoned live blog yesterday for those who joined us for awesomeness. But we'll try and bring the awesomeness here tonight, it hasn't expired yet. We smelled it to make sure. Our fantasy teams were busy, however, doing what they do best: scoring points and inspiring heavy drinking. But more on that later.

And that was kick off, Giants with the ball. Fantasy players aside (Ganther and Boss for me tonight) I think I'm rooting for the Giants tonight. They're so scrappy. You just wanna eat'em up! And that's Bradshaw already with a TD. He'll enjoy it on my bench.

Cole
Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Current Score: 59

ell, you really did it to me this time, Pilki -- ait, the Giants are scrappy? They're from Ne York. No one from Ne York has ever been the "little guy". No ay.

But my life is miserable tonight. My fantasy team embarrassed itself out there all around. Every crappy bust I had all year let me down, but so did every clever pickup I made this eek. No my thumbs are broken, I'm eating soup and toast because I have no money for food, and I broke my "vv" key, so you on't see any of those all night.

Oh good, now it's time for Tom Coughlin and Jim Zorn to star in "The Men ho Stare Blankly at the Field." Aesome.

RWPilk
Cole's had a tough week, the prophetic missing "w" from his keyboard. Yes. No "w" for Cole this week, barring some kind of TE Fred Davis miracle game. Bradshaw is kicking ass tonight. Perhaps RB Ganther was a bad replacement move... Oh man, that's another touchdown for him. Between him and TE Todd Heap, my coaching rating is going straight into the toilet.

Cole
Coach rating. hat a pain in the ass. All that means is you have no options on your bench that are in the vicinity of being orthhile. You ant a useful measure, look at points. For instance, Mark ill be joining you in the finals despite being ... 10th in the league?! hat the hell is that shit? hatever.

Regardless, I don't kno hat I'm going to do next eek no. atch the games normally? Then I'll end up critiquing things like the fact that the Redskins are earing red pants and red jerseys. Yamahama.

RWPilk
It's Giants 17, Redskins nothing with just over 6 minutes left in the 2Q. This a really quick game. So let's get to the nitty gritty: Cole, my man, what the hell happened this week? I was shaking in my boots all week. 11-3! No one close to that record. Now you need TE Davis to score like 40 points to have a prayer against the Moses. Give us the breakdown.

Cole
Oh it's broken. Look, here's the deal: my running backs had orse eeks than your receivers. Like infinitely orse. Chris Johnson scored 13 and Ray Rice had nine, but hen Reggie ayne and Miles Austin both drop 19 on me, it's a big hole to climb back from.

I got eight points from both of my receivers combined, and a nice -1 from Arian Foster, thanks to a fumble on the first drive and subsequent burial on the bench by Gary "Captain Hook" Kubiak. But I'd like to give a big middle-finger to the asshole ho said, "Hopefully u weren't burned by the #Texans backfield. Yes, Foster was a hot pickup, but that didn't make him a must-play!!!" Maybe not, but the fact that everyone and their mother told me to start him, that made him a must-play.

One more thing I've learned here this season: if you have a defense that you picked up off aivers, and they're ranked #1 based solely on their ability to score defensive touchdons, you should trade them for a real defense before they crap the bed against decent offenses. But that's another story for another day.

RWPilk
I've been between 1st and 3rd all season with my receiving. Austin, Marshall, Wayne. Can't complain there (although I'm sure I did a bunch of times). To be honest, I thought I was finished after Saturday night's special presentation of Thursday night football when Brees walked away from the game with 1 TD, 1 pick, 2 fumble, and 11 points. With the New Orleans defeat, I thought Cole had sealed the deal. I didn't really relax until RB McCoy found the end zone Sunday evening. I really thought you had it.

The Redskins just bombed it down the field. Positive yards for these guys. Finally. And a drop in the end zone by Fred Davis. Yikes.

Cole
Until McCoy? You ere up 30 from the end of the Saturday night game on. This as a orse game than the Redskins-Giants debacle e're currently atching. hat is that deal ith that special teams debacle by the Redskins at the end of the half. Oy.

RWPilk
Halftime: Giants 24, Redskins 0. I think Jim Zorn has left. He's bored. Like us. How many competitive games have we live blogged? One? We're a total live blog jinx.

I'd like to give a shout out to the four votes that came in to our poll today voting for me after yesterday's score was posted. I admire your courage. Thomas Jefferson, Susan B. Anthony, residents of the new Iraq... you share their spirit. Shine on.

Cole
Hey, I voted for you like 4 pm yesterday. Until next time, Gadget.

RWPilk
No, no, no, you're not going anywhere yet. Fred Davis just scored a touchdown. That puts you down by only 29! This is what we call a code red, people! Well, maybe not red. A more soothing color. A code lavender!

Cole
Yeah, pause. That's orth a pause. Oh, hello Kevin Boss.

RWPilk
Boss ran down an official. That should be extra points. That puts me at 99 and Cole at 67. Summer of Love, Bryan. Summer of Love.

Cole
Yeah yeah aesome. Meanhile, I spent hours and hours poring over scouting reports, carefully selecting a lineup, and I got outscored by pretty much everyone else in the league. If you're going to lose, you might go out with a bang so people say, "Man! No that guy got CANNED!" Losing on a nebulous tiebreaker ould almost be orse.

RWPilk
Wow... just-- wow. Jason Campbell just lobbed it to an opposing player like they were playing catch out in the ol' back yard. That makes it 38 to 6, Giants. Bryan reports that "Redskins" is a trending topic over at Twitter. It's popular like slowing down to see a bloody accident on the side of the road is popular.

Cole
Redskins punch it in but don't get the to-point conversion. This isn't even a game. This isn't even an approximation of a game. This is like, if you're playing Cranium and you have to dra a picture of "football game" with your eyes closed and your left hand, that's what this game is.

ait, as that Ganther? Oh for...can I go already?

RWPilk
Oh, they're throwing punches! They're fighting! Oh man. This game is awful. Even the players are like f*** it, let's rumble. And, yes, that was RB Ganther in the end zone... making me not look like a complete idiot.

Cole
Fred Davis collects a couple more yards in garbage time and I at least collected 12 points from my tight end. I don't kno hen the last time I got that many points from a tight end, but I did get 16 over my last five eeks. Lovie Smith and Greg Olsen, you too are not on my Christmas card list. You either Matt Forte.

Ah, scre it. One more time!

RWPilk
We've said it before, tight ends are tough. Anything four is an above average score for them. Unless you have Clark or something. Alright the commentators are talking about how tall the Manning brothers are. If they can't make this game interesting, we sure as hell aren't. Any last words, Cole?

Cole
I can't post that Khan video again, can I?

RWPilk
No.

Read more...

Broke Up the Post Pattern

- CBS Sports' crack team creates playoff tiebreaker scenarios. -

Cole

Current Standing: 11-3, 1st Overall
Woof. That was one of the most embarrassing performances in recent memory.

Only a couple of posts all day? Pathetic. At least we had that open-comment thing going on, which was kind of cool.

Oh yeah, and my team sucked up the place too.

Don't worry, though. We're going to recap everything tonight anyway. Copious amounts of alcohol are listed as "probable".

Join us tonight for MNF!
NY Giants vs WAS Redskins
8:30PM EST on ESPN

Read more...

Playooooffs??? You Talkin About Playooooffs???

-Are you excited? Yeah, me neither to be honest...-

DennyP!

Guest Columnist

So it was a lazy, rainy Saturday afternoon here at the home base for SSFA! Normally things are very exciting around here: yelling at cats, drinking beers on the couch, playing darts for hours at a time because no one can close out on bullseye. Today I needed a rest from such 'excitement', so I just sat and watched some good old-fashioned college football.

It was the matchup of all matchups! #1 Florida versus #2 Alabama squaring off for the SEC Championship. Only the 4th time in college football history #1 has faced #2 in a non-bowl game. Sixty-nine year old Verne Lundquist was as giddy as a school boy to broadcast this game. But hey, i guess he is a young school boy compared to broadcaster Vin Scully.

Watching this game, I felt obligated to raise the issue of whether college football should have a playoff to decide the National Championship. Now normally I do not get too excited about playoffs in general because often the 'best' team does not win:

• The NBA playoffs are dreadful because the style of the game changes compared to the regular season. Its much more physical, teams can't fastbreak if they want to, and the refs call the fouls differently. Just ask the up-tempo Pheonix Suns every year or especially the 2007 Dallas Mavericks who were an NBA best 67-15 and lost their opening playoff series.


• The NFL playoffs are notorious for the 'best' team not winning because its single elimination. Although I admit its not always the case, can you honestly disagree and say the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals were the two best teams in football last year! I would also love to use 2007 as a classic example (the 10-6 Giants beating the 16-0 Pats) but I won't being incredibly biased on this issue...

However, I feel like a playoff would be perfect for college football. Hundreds of teams only play 13 games or so there is no way all the key rivals face each other. We all know the deal, a computer picks the two best teams and they face off with at least 1 team getting snubbed and never getting a chance to prove themselves. Its not rocket science, just add more teams and have a 4 or 8 team playoff to decide the title. There's even a 3 week layoff between this weekend's conference championships and the title game. BRILLIANT!

Take this year's results. Alabama spanked #1 Florida in the SEC Championsip to go undefeated at 13-0 and solidify them as the top dog. But now who do they play for the National Championship??? Undefeated Texas? Undefeated TCU? Undefeated Cincinnati? Undefeated Boise State? All these teams have not lost a game and, for 3 of them, that won't be good enough to be considered for a title (and its not the first time for Boise State who was the ONLY undefeated team in 2006 but were not chosen to play in the National Championship)?!

I think this is rather obvious. If you want to name a college football champion, then have a playoff. I have no problem keeping the long-standing tradition of the bowl games, but please, do not call a single team the best because a computer said so. I dunno fellow sports enthusiasts, what do you think?

Read more...

Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Gi

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Flabby-Armed:
Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

Read more...

Nice Shootin', Tex

- Burress heads to court with his lawyer, O. Lumpa, Esq. -

RWPilk

If you haven't guessed by now, I'm not one for sports, but boy, do I love interviews with athletes. Usually, you just get a sequence of cliches tumbling out of their mouths like a string of 40 magician's scarfs all knotted together. "Well, we just played the game as hard as we could, we were met by a good team today, sometimes the ball doesn't bounce your way, but we take it one game at a time, we're just looking ahead at the next series, and it is what it is." Yeah, thanks Mr. Churchill. The poet laureate is on line one.

Having a laugh at Plaxico Burress ("Plaxi-Co."? Didn't they make the first Legos?) isn't exactly a long row to hoe: Last November, he shot himself without ever removing his Glock pistol from his pants. But if that wasn't enough, Burress challenges us to shoot even more beverage out of our noses when he opens up to ESPN today about the incident.

On alerting teammate Antonio Pierce to the gun going off: "And he was like 'Why?' and I said I just think I shot myself, and he was like 'Noooo!"

On his decision to secure a firearm in an elastic, fruit-of-the-loom waistband: "Bad judgement."

On NOT realizing he had actually shot himself: "I take two or three steps and, like, my pants are wet. I had some Chuck Taylor's and I looked down and the top of my shoe is red."

Yeah, yeah, real badass, Plaxico. I don't know what is lamer, the fact that you're still trying to look like a big tough guy in this situation, or that you kind of sound like Alicia Silverstone from Clueless. Like, totally.

When explaining the "mechanics" of pulling the trigger through a pair of pants, Burress exclaims "What are the odds on that happening?" Well, Plaxico, you know the odds of needing to discharge a semiautomatic weapon with 13 rounds of ammunition in a crowded Manhattan night club? Higher than that. A little higher.

Read more...

Mano y Manning

-"My forehead is still bigger than yours."-

RWPilk

Yesterday it was announced that professional scrappy underdog Eli Manning signed a record-breaking contract with the NY Giants. $97 million over six years, over $16 million a year, with a guaranteed zzzZZZzzz... Whatever. I fell asleep in my honey nut cheerios before the report even finished. But I almost choked on that real honey and natural almond flavor when the man on the TV said that Eli would now be earning more than his brother, Peyton.

I shuddered to think: Does this mean that now Eli will be taking up all of Peyton's commercial spots? Don't get me wrong, I usually hate athletes in commercials, but Peyton usually does a decent job at being funny avoids all the playboy, men's fragrance, Gatorade, just do it crap (video after the jump, not to mention his popular SNL spoof). Will all this end now that his younger brother is earning more coin? For sake of my amusement, and MasterCard, I hope not.

Read more...