MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege Kenny Bania Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to Den Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

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Week 6 Recap: the Skin of our Teeth

-Where the wild things are: Baltimore-

Week 6! Oh, glorious, glorious Week 6! How you leave us wondering how MNF will treat us. Both Cole and RWPilk are embroiled in close(ish) match-ups, victory hanging in the balance! Will Pilk's record start the hearty climb towards Cole's winning streak? Will Cole pull off a narrow escape to victory? Will Cole buy Pilk beer out of the warm kindness of his heart!? This, and much more below!

Cole

Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

As I wait with bated breath on the performance of one Correll Buckhalter, I find myself praising the name of one Ray Rice, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by being the first running back to score a touchdown against the Vikings in forever. And no, Jim, you can't have him for Thomas Jones.

I also find myself cursing the name, Wrath of Khan-style, of Matt Forte, who made up for the whole no-touches-near-the-goal-line thing by fumbling on second down from the one, recovering, and then fumbling on third down from the one and not recovering. No touchdown, minus two points for the lost fumble, things thrown, and Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth got to have a nice little conversation about how he never ever fumbles. Henceforth, he shall be known as Matt "Khan" Forte. It's that level of frustration. Donovan McNabb gets a pass (sorry) for this week because of his stella stellar performance last week.

Meanwhile, back at the wrench, what the hell is going on in the NFL? Your guess is as good as anyone else's. Aside from the Raiders game, crappy team after crappy team outshone expectations ... or at least covered the spread. We've figured out by now the Titans are indeed horrifying, but 45 points? In one half? And I enjoyed watching the Saints bludgeon the Giants, but I'm not going to talk about them for fear I might jinx them. This is after I tweeted, "Hey, Tulane's beating 23rd-ranked Houston!" and the Green Wave turned a three-point lead into a 28-point embarrassment. So for you, Ted, I say only that certain teams were really fun to watch this weekend. Not to mention any names, but whatever team it was, it certainly looked like a force to be reckoned with come playoff time.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Alright. Mr. Brees? I'm sorry I doubted you. Let's leave it at that.

Overall, I'm optimistic. I gotta 17 point lead going into tonight with Brandon Marshall still to play (against an opposing Denver kicker). I'm glad to report that some of my strategic moves worked out this week. STL WR Avery got hurt Sunday, but found the end zone before doing so, making the sting of Reggie Wayne's bye week that much milder. My waiver wire gamble, PHI WR Maclin, ended up being a bust (as was all of Philly's effort, c'mon McNabb, Oakland!?). My T.O. trade (my first ever!) for DAL WR Austin went through, so we'll see how that works out next week when I pair him with Wayne.

Barring any catastrophes, I'll end up 3-3. Not great. But getting there.

Read more...

Week 6 Preview: QB, or not QB

-Another fantasy scenario?-

And here it is. Week 6. Almost at the fantasy season halfway point. What have we learned? Never run with scissors. Or with Chris Cooley, he'll only bring you backwards. Rex Ryan doesn't want to be fed, Rex Ryan wants to hunt. And lastly, and more importantly, always respect personal space, even if there's taunting involved. Let's go Cole and RWPilk now for the forecast.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th Overall

Like that caption? That's a double pun, dammit. Laugh.

I don't want to complain about Brees' cooled off numbers anymore, but I'm in a QB pickle: Brees vs Giants, or Garrard vs Rams. The RAMS! Two wildly inconsistent players facing two teams on the opposite end of the of suck meter. I may just flip a coin. My team is also going through some other changes. St. Louis' WR Avery is in for now... As is Phi WR Maclin, a waiver wire pickup. On top of that, NYG RB Bradshaw hasn't been practicing this week, with KC RB Larry "Oreck challenge" Johnson on my bench. I also got a WR trade that my or may not go through (T.O. for the Cowboys' Austin). It looks like my line up will probably have to set Sunday at quarter of 1pm. Oh, happy day.

I knew this is going to be a tough week. There have been signs. I woke from a bizarre dream the other night where I was in some kind of frat with Peyton Manning. Seriously. And he was like this miserable, dorky sophomore guy who was trying to show me the ropes and how to respect the seniors. And every time I turned around he was ironing his pants. Pair after pair. Lord, what does it mean!? Garrard or Brees! Why pants?! What do they mean?! Whyyyyy!!!

Cole
Current Standing: 4-1, 1st Overall

I -- wait, what? Pants?

Jesus, man, pull it together. Sounds like someone needs a priceless pep talk.

Huh. I guess MasterCard doesn't have one prerecorded for "weird dreams involving a pantsless Peyton Manning". Poor planning really.

Well, if that doesn't do it for you, there's plenty of high-quality real football available. Look at that 1:00 slate! The undefeated Giants and the undefeated Saints!* And if you don't like that, how about the Battle for the Purple: Ravens at Vikings. That, my friends, is truly going to be some sweet Flacco action. The Sunday night game features two 3-1 teams with excellent running backs, and the Monday night game features those excellent Broncos throwbacks.

That Vikes-Ravens game is going to be interesting: two quality defenses match up against two surprisingly good offenses. Can F**** continue his "ageless wonder" routine? Or will Joe Flacco and Ray Rice stop Jared Allen and a pass rush that humiliated the Packers two weeks ago? Getcha popcorn ready. I'm picking Vikings (-2.5); that defense looks brutal, and I haven't even mentioned Adrian Peterson.

_________________
* - The first time the Saints have hosted the Giants since 2005, when the refugee Saints were the designated home team in a game at Giants Stadium. Yeah, you thought we forgot about that. Screw you too, NFL.

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Week 4 Recap: And then there was 1. And 9.

-You magnificent bastard.-

And the battle of Week 4 is concluded. Blows were thrown. Saviors were forsaken. And victory was had. Despite all of Cole's nervous pacing and curmudgeon fist-shaking, he was able to stagger away from RWPilk's team and into first place. Four weeks in and the lines have been drawn... but there's still a lot of football left. What's the forecast? Perhaps our two authors know. Perhaps.

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

I for one would like to start by sending a small shout-out to Matt Forte, whose 37-yard touchdown scamper in garbage time was a dagger to Sweet Fancy Moses, which had been obnoxiously hanging around all afternoon. With two carries totaling 91 yards (not to mention his first score), Forte made me glad I picked him third overall. It also gave him 19 points, nearly doubling his season total for the third straight week. I've done some extrapolation, and let me tell you, those are some crunchy numbers. Suffice it to say by the league playoffs, Forte will have enough yardage to stretch from Chicago to Phoenix. With a stopover in Seattle.

And Brandon Marshall. I mean, whew. Thank God this was not a close game; I'd be willing to bet there were a lot of furious owners drinking themselves into oblivion after the Cowboys' defense lost the ability to tackle and gave Kyle Orton a second last-second touchdown. At this rate, Kardiak Kyle will make Brett Favre look like JaMarcus Russell.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I just want to take it one game at a time. I'm just focusing on beating The Golden Boys next week. No, it doesn't mean anything that I didn't shake Rob's hand after the game. And I am NOT videotaping his roster selection. Sheesh.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Oh, woe is me. Things are not going well in the "Sweet Fancy Moses" camp. As you can tell, I lost. I'm now 1-3 with the season 1/4 over. There's still time, but this is a hole people. And if things are gonna get back to at least interesting, my record has to get competitive fast.

There's really only one big, glaring, air traffic controller-flagged failure in my roster this week: Drew f****** Brees. The hype machine is still rolling on Mr. Brees, as (when he comes back from his bye) is still a "must start" in all leagues. Two weeks in a row he's scored less than 10 points. Hell, less than 8. Everyone is telling me oh wow, what a great pick, Brees is gonna be the lead scorer by years end. When? It won't matter when I'm in 11th. These games count now. My must-sit RBs, that I had almost no choice but to play, scored just a point or two shy of "the best pick ever." Jacksonville's Garrard, on my bench, would have won the game for me in Brees' place. But such is the nature of fantasy sports. It's not that I ain't thankful for your 48 point Week 1, Drew. Is it possible to spread that around a little?

There are some other weak spots. My running game is hurtin', but Westbrook will be back next week (according to reports). And with some obligatory bye spots down, I can empty a few spots and look for some new players. Until then, the Sweet Fancy Moses, and my "hogwash" fantasy theory, is listed as "questionable" for Week 5.

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Week 4 Preview: The glass is half empty. Twice.

-Chicken soup, comin' up!-

Oh, gentle-hearted ssfa! readers... if only every week could be as big, as epic and so running with the sweet juices of drama as Week 4. This Sunday, Brees and his Saints march on Rex's Jets, both 3-0. Monday, Favre takes on his former Packers while wearing purple. And, brace yourself people, for the only time this fantasy season, Cole and RWPilk will go head-to-head and face each other. Will Cole's calculations come through with a win? Will Pilk's drunken staggering plop him face-first into victory? Let's go to them now for the skinny...
And don't forget to tune in for our MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL liveblog, 8:30 EST! Don't miss it!!!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-1, 6th Overall

I can see it coming a mile away.

I don't know how it's going to happen, but I'm going to get destroyed. Maybe Drew Brees will throw for 400 yards and five touchdowns, the world's biggest sign that, hey, maybe he would've been worth a top-three pick. Maybe T.O. will catch so many touchdowns that he runs out of preening touchdown dances. Or maybe I'll be up a few going into Monday night, and then the Packers' D comes up with a late TAINT (touchdown after interception) off Favre for some storybook revenge and maximum screwing-me-over. I can't tell for certain.

All I know is, if a lifetime of rooting for perennial punching bags has taught me anything, it's that any game you really want to or have to win, Murphy's Law will ensure you won't. Just take it easy on me Tuesday after Pilk humiliates me by 30, that's all I ask.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th Overall

I gotta be straight with you people, but I'm not optimistic about my face-off with Colebag. Not a lot of factors are counting for me. Pretty much my whole team is coming a downright chilly week, and the forecast for Week 4 isn't rosy.

Item uno: Mister Brees. Following a rigid 4-point performance against the Bills last week, the nawlin's golden boy is facing the Jets, which, I've learned, has the best pass defense right now. When did that happen? Cole points out that the Jets opponents haven't been spectacular, but nevertheless, Brees has been the backbone of my score, and I'll need him to score well if I'm to have a chance at winning.

Item B: Running Backs. I'm screwed. Westbrook is hurt and on a bye. Fine. Hopefully he'll be back with McNabb and the Eagles crew healthy and ready to rock in Week 5. Good, great. In the meantime, I gotta suffer with KC's Larry Johnson (who's been a dud for 3 weeks) and the Giants' Ahmad Bradshaw, who didn't even practice Wednesday and is "questionable" for Week 4. Ugh. Don't get me started on T.O. (WR). I'm hoping he at least touches the ball.

Item 3: The Green Bay D. Is there any chance Favre can get in some freak weeding accident in the next 2 days? Don't get me wrong, they've been solid. And now they're going up against they're former QB/ Wrangler Jeans spokesman. I would guess that there's a good chance the D will be fired up for revenge. But they're IN Minnesota, and the Vikings are coming off a dramatic win. CBS is predicting a definitive FAIL for the Packers D. But with the Seahawks as my alternate, I've got no choice but to go with the big cheese this week. Let's hope Favre develops lactose intolerance.

So, there are some issues. Still, having watched a moderate amount of football the last few years, I'm a big believer in the "Any Given Sunday" rule. Anything can happen. CBS is predicting Cole to win by a significant margin. But they also air three versions of CSI. It helps me sleep at night.

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Week 3 Recap: Oh, the Humanity!

-Oh, there he is! Down in front, four-eyes!-

Oh, Week 3. We hardly knew thee. You came into our lives, lured us to your Motel 6 room, whispered sweet nothings of victory into our ear, and we believed you. But when it was all over, we awoke in an ice filled bathtub minus a kidney and plus an insurmountable point deficit. Why, Week 3? Why!? Both Cole and RWPilk were squashed under the heel of fantasy destiny this week. Perhaps our young, mutilated protagonists have a clue as to why, but don't hold your breath. And don't forget to vote for your most disappointing player in our poll, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

Some weeks you eat the b'ar, as they say, and some weeks, the b'ar starts Matt Schaub who winds up with 28 points, giving Maurice Jones-Drew a run for your money for the "person who screwed you over the most this week" award.

Actually, there are several nominees for this prestigious award. Also in the running:

- CBS Sports. Hey, you know those little red crosses that usually mean "injured"? You should put one next to people when there's a good chance they won't play Sunday. Like Dwayne Bowe. Could've used some sort of hint he'd be inactive this week when I set my roster Sunday morning.

- Matt Forte. Most of this is my fault for assuming competence from someone associated with Tulane football, so rather than beat you unmercifully with a $5 footlong, I'll just pass on Joseph Addai's phone number. Maybe you guys can form a support group for "Bryan's disappointing first round picks" or something.

- On a related note, how about every pundit who told me, "This is the week Matt Forte breaks out!!!11one". I grant that he doubled his best week of the season, but 10 points is not what I expect from a top-three pick. If this happens again, your own genitalia will be force-fed to you through a tube.

You know it's a bad week when the Saints' DST is your top-scorer. Don't expect THAT to happen to often.

But these things happen, and there's nothing you can do but get rip-roaring drunk with your roommates, harvest their organs in a Motel 6 bathtub, and start making waiver-wire pickups and trades with a vengeance.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th Overall

I didn't catch a lot of football Sunday and thank God. A heart attack at the age of 24 is something I want to avoid. Allow me to illustrate with some simple numbers:

Larry Johnson RB: 1
Chris Cooley TE: 3
Drew Brees QB: 4

Holy balls, gentlemen. What is this, golf? The gold (foiled chocolate) medal goes T.O.; 0 pts. 0 rushing yards, 0 receiving. There's nothing like firing up the old computer one Sunday and seeing one of your star players performing as well as Stephen Hawking would. Was he even there? Cripes. And Brees, backbone of my score every week, folded like a... like... a giant, origami... man. I'm running out of puns here people, I'm upset!

By late Monday, I'll already have a losing record and all is not well with the world. I expect a lot of suspicious squinting at my roster this week, as some changes have to be made and some Week 4 match ups need to be considered. I know, I know, there's still a lot of football left, and I'm certainly not the only one hurting. But this isn't a support group, dammit. I wanna win.

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Week 2 Recap: Points = Critical

-No! "End zone" is a major detail!-

And there goes Week 2! As Cole and RWPilk wave goodbye and tally more scores, the battle for fantasy sports theory rumbles on! It's still early, but already ugly. Let's go to our two gladiators now and assess the irreversible emotional damage. Also check out our brand spankin' new poll, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

I don't know what I did to Frank Gore, but I would like to apologize to him here and now. I've always believed in your abilities, Mr. Gore, sir. I for one never thought that Glen "Cuppa" Coffee was the answer to the 49ers' offensive woes (true answer: a quarterback); it's not like I didn't draft you on purpose. So why did you have to have your career week when you were starting for both of my opponents? 200+ yards and two scores? Great. At least YOU still like me, Chris Johnson. I owe you one.

What else have we learned here in week two? In order to maximize Rob's ire, I will present this as a bulleted list (he HATES those):

• The Jets' defense is very, very good.
  
• The Patriots' offensive line is very, very bad.
  
• Joseph Addai : 2008 :: Matt Forte : 2009 (but I really hope not)
  
• The Saints' defense can actually get you fantasy points with a good matchup, even though they can't actually stop people from scoring.
  
• The Seahawks remain terrible at all things football-related.
  
• Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb -- well, they are who we thought they were: namely, injury prone. Oh well. Newly-acquired backup Trent Edwards has games against the aforementioned Saints and Dolphins the next two week, and I'm praying that's a good thing. And that McNabb will be back after the Eagles' bye in week four. I don't want to have to pick up Matthew Stafford or something.
  

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

A memo to everyone on my team not named "Brees": The end zone is that way.

God smite you all, you bunch of bums! Looking down my roster I see a bunch of very capable players who failed to put up double digits in Week 2. Cooley. Marshall. Oh, and thank you Westbrook for proving everyone right for one more year and having the physical resilience of a dandelion. Make a wish! Mine is that you somehow reach "probable" by Thursday. The only reason my team was able to tip-toe into the vicinity of decent is because Brees pitched a few doozies. My only hope for a victory tonight rests with Colts WR Reggie Wayne. Oh, and who's my opposing QB? Isn't there some commercial you could be shooting somewhere else, Peyton?

The only bright spot is that I wasn't the only one who had trouble finding the end zone this week. First TD-less game since 2006, Bill. Perhaps your new defensive "swiss cheese" and "old driftwood" formations still need a little work.

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Week 2 Preview: Hold the Mayo!

-No! Don't leave me!-

The war over fantasy sports theory rages on as Cole and RWPilk dive head-first and nose-plugged into the icy waters of Week 2. Let's go to them now and see who can talk the most trash about this week's match-ups! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Another weekend already upon us? Times flies when you're kicking ass. Nah, it's too early to tell, but it's hard not to feel a little comfortable considering my team's performance last week. Drew Brees won't be playing the Lions again, and will score less than 48 points, I guess. I played with Peyton Manning's notorious "cooled off" year last season though. As long as Brees is in the black by halftime, it's a luxury for me. So, I'm marching into battle with the same roster as last week. Just based on numbers, I considered subbing RB Johnson for RB Ahmed Bradshaw, but Johnson is facing the Raiders D this week. Ka-Ching!

As for actual viewership, not sure what game I might catch. I'll look forward to Colts vs Dolphins Monday night, there are two quarterbacks I like rooting for (Go, Pennington!). I'm wondering about the grass roots movement that's being spearheaded by coach Rex Ryan in New York for the Pats game. Dialing for Disses. I like it. I ain't convinced though, say what you want about the Bills last week, the Jets ALWAYS seem to blow close games with the Pats on stupid mistakes (in recent years anyway). Still, it's hard not to put your confidence in a guy named Rex.

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Rob tells me I write better when I'm angry, so OH MAN YOU GUYS AM I FRIGGIN' PISSED. I'm so angry I could bite the head off a marmoset, as soon as I figure out what the hell one is.

Ah, screw it. I can't keep this up. Look, am I happy only beat Rob's mom by five points in Week 1? No. Am I happy I'm playing the guy with the highest point total from last week? No. Am I happy Donovan McNabb is going to miss the opportunity to put up huge points against a porous Saints defense? No. Come back soon, Donnie Mac. I have faith in you. Not sure why, exactly, but hey, there you go.



What's that? Oh. Right. Football. Fine.

While my fantasy team is underperforming, at least I have some better games this week. The Patriots haven't lost in the Meadowlands since 2000, but that defense looked impressive against a stacked (no, really) Houston offense. Belichick is renowned for making rookie quarterbacks cry, but now he'll be without middle linebacker Jerod Mayo for two months. Tough matchup.

And Rob's probably boasting about the huge game he stumbled across last week. Whatever. How do you think he knew Larry Johnson was playing the Raiders this week? Come on. Dude doesn't know the Oakland Raiders from Oakland Beach. Hell, dude can't even find the real Chad Ochocinco on Twitter (hint: the one with all the followers). Enjoy it while it lasts, my inebriated friend.

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Week 1 Recap: And Off We Go!

-Step 1: Hold on to the ball. Step 2: Don't ruin everything.-

And what a week it was, folks. Cracked ribs! Throwback jerseys! Comically desperate, final-second laterals! The Lions! Oh, the memories. The SSFA! duel of fantasy sports theory is finally on as Cole and RWPilk make their first etchings into their records. Let's inflate their sense of purpose and go to them now for some thoughts on Week 1! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary. Go ahead, I'll wait.

::whistles::

Back yet? Did you happen to see my fantasy roster listed as an example? No? Because you didn't really look, I'm sure, but trust me, it's in there.

How disappointed can I be after week one? Oh, plenty. My powerhouse running back tandem of Matt Forte and Chris Johnson, known the fantasy world over as top-ten talent, posted a combined 10 points. Greg Olsen, a top-five TE in some publications, earned me as many points as Alex Smith, who came as close to seeing the field as I did. Kris Brown -- I mean, I don't know what the hell I was thinking there, but Houston getting just seven points? Come on. And the Dolphins' DST (admittedly a reach on the best of days) was bad enough that I'm seriously looking at acquiring the Saints' defense. I will now wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Oh, and I almost forgot about McNabb. Hey, terrific. Thanks for the 21 points and the memories; at least you're already light years ahead of the QB I drafted last year: Matt Hasselback. Friggin' awesome.

Just once I'd like to have a good draft chased by some solid weeks and not have to go scrambling to the waiver wire every damn Tuesday morning. You know the scenes in Edward Scissorhands where Johnny Depp's cutting things? Just a whirlwind of activity and a blur of leaves/hair/fur/ice? That's what my fantasy roster's going to look like over the coming weeks.

I love this game.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Ahhh. Let's start off with some prerequisite smack talking: Even though he was able to squeak by with a win, Mr. "No one knows how to draft but me" Cole landed the third lowest score in the league in Week 1. Hear that squeaking noise? That's one point for my fantasy sports theory going up on the dry erase board. Count it. But don't feel bad, once Cole gets a win he'll shoot it right back at me. How long does it take for cracked ribs to heal?

What is there to say about my team's performance? You sports people were right about Drew Brees: he scored just less than 50 pts this week. Still, all the saintly pictures of him floating around are a little much aren't they? C'mon. He played the Lions. Unless the rest of the Saints' schedule is filled with Girl Scout Troops and collections of small mice, I think we can calm down a little. Still, I'm excited about him.

I was hoping for a better performance from the Green Bay defense, given all the hype, but they put up decent numbers nonetheless. Westbrook was great, but as predicted by CBS analytics, RB Larry Johnson was shut down and T.O. gained a measly 4 pts despite his endorsement from VH1. Still it's hard to get mad at T.O. when it was Leodis McKelvin who fumbled for Buffalo and let the Pats win. C'mon! You let them off the hook! They were who you thought they were! Despite those cream colored helmets.

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Week 1: Coming Attractions!

-No! You'll suck more!-

Finally. The 2009 NFL season is here. And no two guys are probably more excited than Cole and RWPilk. They watched the Titans and Steelers duke it out with bated breath (and a Jay Leno ad overdose) Thursday, a now, in turn, cast their astigmatism stricken/ blurry eyes to Week 1! Who do they like?! What do they hate?! What could they take or leave?! Let's go to them now... And don't forget about our DRAFT POLL, ready immediately to your right!

Cole

Fantasy-wise, I'm ready for this season (and the requisite trash-talking) to start in earnest, but for this week at least I'm in a strange position. In one league, I have Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones, and in the other, I'm going up against ... Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones. C'est la vie, I guess.

Good game last night though: no one is happier than Hines Ward that the Pittsburgh Steelers recovered from that fumble and defeated the Tennessee Titans. He should also be happy that the NFL has those crappy overtime rules. Call it silly, but I like the "Texas-style" college overtime system: each offense gets the ball on the opponents' 25 yard line (say the 50 in the NFL, so you can't just kick field goals every time), and repeat until there's a difference in scores. I love this idea, partly because it's mine but mostly because, hey, who doesn't like offense?

Meanwhile, I'd love to see the Falcons-Dolphins game this week. These are two teams that comically exceeded expectations last year thanks in part to a soft schedule; with a tougher schedule and a year to prepare, which team will regress? (Personally, I'd guess the Dolphins: I have more faith in Matty Ice than the continued success of Chad Pennington and the Wildcat wrinkle.) But, since the landlord says no DirecTV, I don't have the NFL Sunday Ticket package, and I'm stuck with Jets/Texans, Redskins/Giants, and ... Vikings/Browns?! Oh for -- man, those are all gonna suck. You know what I'm looking forward to? The game breaks. Well, at least Chicago-Green Bay will be fun to watch: I'm very curious to see Jay Cutler's Bears debut.

RWPilk

Well, hello there National Football League. How are you? I've seen you around. You're like that guy you always see at parties or get-togethers, but never really talked to. But now I have to. Now I have to awkwardly walk up to you, give you that odd nod of acknowledgment and somehow start a conversation with you. Maybe we're enjoying the same kind of beer. Maybe I overheard you make an Always Sunny reference. Or you've double parked my car and I really wanna get the hell out of here. Whatever the case, let's do this.

Part of me wants to say I want to watch the Saints face the Lions, mostly because I want to see Brees dominate. But, I would be lying. I have to admit, I'm really interested to see how my old favorites are going to do: the Pats. I'm just too curious to see how Brady will shape up, coming off a year of no playing, and how the defense will fare given some recent overhauling. There's a lot of pressure on them. At least for this first game, I won't root for their opposition (this Monday: the Bills, go T.O.!), but I won't be surprised to see them at least stagger a little.

Nah, who am I kidding? Please win, Buffalo.

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Post-Draft Hangover

-What do you mean I'm in the wrong building!?-

And so the mighty draft came to pass... and it was good? We won't really know until we start putting some numbers on the board, but as the disciples of sports fandom and people who watch Lost know, it's fun to speculate! Will Brandon Marshall get his ducks in a row in time for RWPilk to benefit? What will Cole do if Michael Vick gobbles up some of McNabb's QB pie? Are there polar bears involved? We go live to the draft machines themselves for some answers... And be sure to visit our poll on our right hand side bar and let us know what you think.

Cole
Draft Pick Position: 3rd
First Round Pick: Matt Forte (RB)

I think a lot of people feel like they improved their drafts over last week's, which is good, but clearly everyone can't have improved. Either way, no one is more excited than I am that we got to redo that draft from last week, because this might be the best draft I've ever had.

Look at it! Look at that sweet, sweet RB action. One of the top four players overall in Forte, another first-round talent in Chris Johnson (and his handcuff/touchdown vulture, LenDale White), Ray Rice in the seventh round, Felix Jones in the eighth, Reggie Bush in the ninth?! Come on. And then there's my receivers: Calvin Johnson is a top five receiver and I snagged him in the third round. Dwayne Bowe is a top 10 receiver in some publications and I got him in the fourth. What's that? Cassel's hurt and Bowe's production might suffer? Oh, well then let me throw in mid-round talent Jerricho Cotchery, whom I got in the 11th round, or 14th-round "flyer" Nate Washington. And my tight end? Greg Olson, who lasted until the 10th round, the 11th TE picked in the league. Everyone I read has him as a top-five talent at the position.

And yeah, McNabb is an injury risk, but so is everyone in fantasy football. And for once, McNabb has the weapons to be truly dangerous (assuming he stays upright). With young guns like DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and Jeremy Maclin, Andy Reid finally has more options than "Brian Westbrook and pray".

Usually, in a 12-team draft, you'd expect to get around eight or nine of the top 100 players. I picked up 11 according to CBS Sportsline, and three of their top 15.

RWPilk
Draft Pick Position: 4th
First Round Pick: Drew Brees (QB)

The draft is finished and I'm glad. I was beginning to forget why we started this site to begin with. As you all know, we had a bit of misfire last week with out draft when the draft got voided. I was pleased with that draft. I'm as pleased with this one. I had my eye on Housh and Favre (for a back-up QB this time, he's a nice middle finger to all the football fans in my league) but didn't get them. Still, Brees was high on the list of must haves according to our draft listings, so I snatched him up. I also got T.O. and Brandon Marshall, two bad boy rebels with a problem with authority, but possessing raw talent. So, I rolled the dice. I hope they get their stuff together for some hard-playing, and drive me into some victories wearing their leather jackets on their Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

What do I think of the competition? Well, to prove myself right, I ONLY have to beat Cole. And what do I see? A list of nobodies. How many of your players have reality shows, Colebag? How many are suspended? How many defenses of yours have soft schedules? How many? That's right. Bagel. Cole's first pick is some guy named Forte. I went to elementary school with a guy named Forte. He was twice our size and we threw erasers at him. I'm about as intimidated. Bring it.

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2009 NFL Preview: Saved by the Saints

-"You can stop the flexing, soldier. I've heard good things."-

Cole

Ah, training camp. When a young man's love turns to fantasy, and fans of every team -- okay, fine, not every team -- entertain visions of Lombardi Trophies and victory parades.

As a fan of the Saints, I'm irrationally optimistic, even though the New Orleans defense hasn't done nearly enough to improve on its woeful performance last year. But even if the Saints disappoint yet again, and Sean Payton does even more to shed the "genius" label he picked up in 2006, it's hard not to like the Saints for fantasy purposes. Here's why:

We have a real kicker now. No more of the special teams debacle that cost the Saints multiple games last year. Since taking over the kicking duties in Week 9, rookie Garrett Hartley went a perfect 13-for-13 on FGs and 28-for-28 on XPs, good for third among kickers over that span. The high-powered offense will give him plenty of opportunities, and his 10 games in domes will make his job easier than, say, Lawrence Tynes in the Meadowlands.

That one guy Drew Brees. Can Peyton Manning adjust to the new coach and offensive coordinator in Indy? Will Tom Brady go deeper into the season than the eight minutes he survived last year? Can Kurt Warner throw another 600 passes without his arm falling off? Those are all good questions that I'm sure everyone will talk about ad nauseum leading up to Labor Day, but the real question is, how stupid will you look if you pick another quarterback with Brees still on the board? As always, there's no such thing as a 100 percent sure thing, but this guy's pretty close.

Marques Colston will regress. It's not just for baseball rookies suffering from the infamous "sophomore jinx". I admit: I was one of the poor saps that picked Colston early, only to watch him go on the DL in Week 1, and then underperform for weeks on his return. But his second half was in line with his previous two years, and he posted his best-ever YPC (16.2), so there's plenty of reason to believe he'll return to his previous spot as Drew Brees' favorite target.

A sweet schedule. The bad news: New Orleans' 8-8 record was last in the NFC South last season. The good news: this year's team gets a last-place schedule as a result. That means games against the Rams and Lions. Add that to four games against the rebuilding Bucs and the offense-minded Falcons. Even their games against the AFC East are a good opportunity, playing at Buffalo in September, the weak secondary of the Jets, and the New England Retirees Patriots. Plus, they're not scheduled to play at Chicago in December for the fourth straight year. That'll be a nice change.

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