Monday, September 28, 2009

Week 3 Recap: Oh, the Humanity!

-Oh, there he is! Down in front, four-eyes!-

Oh, Week 3. We hardly knew thee. You came into our lives, lured us to your Motel 6 room, whispered sweet nothings of victory into our ear, and we believed you. But when it was all over, we awoke in an ice filled bathtub minus a kidney and plus an insurmountable point deficit. Why, Week 3? Why!? Both Cole and RWPilk were squashed under the heel of fantasy destiny this week. Perhaps our young, mutilated protagonists have a clue as to why, but don't hold your breath. And don't forget to vote for your most disappointing player in our poll, immediately to your right!

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

Some weeks you eat the b'ar, as they say, and some weeks, the b'ar starts Matt Schaub who winds up with 28 points, giving Maurice Jones-Drew a run for your money for the "person who screwed you over the most this week" award.

Actually, there are several nominees for this prestigious award. Also in the running:

- CBS Sports. Hey, you know those little red crosses that usually mean "injured"? You should put one next to people when there's a good chance they won't play Sunday. Like Dwayne Bowe. Could've used some sort of hint he'd be inactive this week when I set my roster Sunday morning.

- Matt Forte. Most of this is my fault for assuming competence from someone associated with Tulane football, so rather than beat you unmercifully with a $5 footlong, I'll just pass on Joseph Addai's phone number. Maybe you guys can form a support group for "Bryan's disappointing first round picks" or something.

- On a related note, how about every pundit who told me, "This is the week Matt Forte breaks out!!!11one". I grant that he doubled his best week of the season, but 10 points is not what I expect from a top-three pick. If this happens again, your own genitalia will be force-fed to you through a tube.

You know it's a bad week when the Saints' DST is your top-scorer. Don't expect THAT to happen to often.

But these things happen, and there's nothing you can do but get rip-roaring drunk with your roommates, harvest their organs in a Motel 6 bathtub, and start making waiver-wire pickups and trades with a vengeance.

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th Overall

I didn't catch a lot of football Sunday and thank God. A heart attack at the age of 24 is something I want to avoid. Allow me to illustrate with some simple numbers:

Larry Johnson RB: 1
Chris Cooley TE: 3
Drew Brees QB: 4

Holy balls, gentlemen. What is this, golf? The gold (foiled chocolate) medal goes T.O.; 0 pts. 0 rushing yards, 0 receiving. There's nothing like firing up the old computer one Sunday and seeing one of your star players performing as well as Stephen Hawking would. Was he even there? Cripes. And Brees, backbone of my score every week, folded like a... like... a giant, origami... man. I'm running out of puns here people, I'm upset!

By late Monday, I'll already have a losing record and all is not well with the world. I expect a lot of suspicious squinting at my roster this week, as some changes have to be made and some Week 4 match ups need to be considered. I know, I know, there's still a lot of football left, and I'm certainly not the only one hurting. But this isn't a support group, dammit. I wanna win.

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