Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

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Week 12 Recap: And Then There Were Two...

-"@%!#"-

And we say a prayer in memoriam for Week 12. It was a great week, full of victory, triumph, and fixin's. The Thanksgiving holiday week spelled victory for both our authors, with Cole furthering his league supremacy and RWPilk kicking off his wild card rally in a big way. What more can one be thankful for?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 6-6, 5th overall

That's how you do it.

This week, my team did exactly what it needed to and blew away the competition with the highest score of the week. That bumps me up a few places in my league and puts me in the thick of what is become a pretty crowded wild card race.

It goes without saying that I will need all of my players to continue to put up high, winning numbers (I'm looking at you, TE Kevin Boss!). I'd like to say I'm facing some cupcake matches this week, but none are really standing out. Where are Lions when you need them? Oh, wait that was just this last week. Go Packers!

Hey, can some beat this blowhard below me (pause) sometime soon? I've accepted that he's the league leader and all that, but 10-2? C'mon. If someone doesn't defeat him soon, I'll have to find a way to knock him down a peg in real live. Maybe I'll kick in the shins. More.

Cole

Current Standing: 10-2, 1st Overall

You know what they say: The mark of a good team is that you win even when you're having an off week.

No, wait, that's actual sports. No one says that about fantasy sports.

And I don't know what it is about Pilk's mom, but for whatever reason I can't put up big numbers against her. In the two seasons I've been in this league, I've now played her four times. I've scored more than 80 points against her once, despite being 3-1 in those games.

Does this happen to other people? Is there someone in your league who makes you swear, "I can never have a good week against that guy!"? I really want to know.

Well whatever. One more win and I'm guaranteed the best record in the regular season, making my impending 70-point defeat in the first round of the playoffs all the more tragic.

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Week 10 Preview: Welcome Back, Rackers!

-We kept your desk over there.-

Week 10: the final five. What more is there to say really? Cole has all but clinched his playoff spot, and RWPilk has is back against the wall, ready to crack some skulls down the final stretch and possibly secure the league's only wild card spot. Do our bitter rivals have any insight to what will happen this week? No. But, be honest, what else do you have to do? That's what I thought.

Cole

Current Standing: 7-2, 2nd Overall

The Thursday games throw everything off. Instead of catching up on my reading and doing some laundry, I spent four hours yelling at my TV and drinking heavily.

How I've missed you, Thursday night football.

What a terrible game though. Both teams played sloppy football and missed countless opportunities. And then there was Jay Cutler, with more turnovers than a North End bakery. Throw the ball that much, and I'm forced to contemplate why Lovie Smith hates my fantasy team. Oh look, 120 receiving yards for Matt Forte. If you're forced to dump the ball off that much, something's very wrong with your offense.

Now there's something very wrong with MY offense. In this self-proclaimed "year of the quarterback", I'm stuck wrestling between Donovan McNabb and David Garrard. Speaking of awkward quarterback choices, the readers suggest Kurt Warner over Joe Flacco for you, Fred. Good luck.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-5, 7th overall

That's right. Rackers is back. Neil, I'm sorry we ever let you go. We left your desk for you. And we'll find a chair for you somewhere around here.

I have a tough opponent this week and, as usual, a few problems with my line up. One is my DST match up. Packers vs Cowboys? Crap. My alternate? Bills vs Titans. Holy God, that game sucks so much light won't escape it. Yeah, there's a science quip for y'all.

And of course, injuries. I have both Westbrook and his back up, McCoy. Who will play? Will they split carries? In times like these, I've learned that the fantasy mantra is to go with with your "best" player. The seniority guy. The name. It's still a best guess if it's 55% probability, right? Game time decision pending, Westbrook it is. And go easy on the noggin, cowboy.

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Live Blog: MNF Packers vs Vikings!

-Are you ready for some embarrassment?!-

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm EST on ESPN

Welcome one and all! Sit back and bear witness to a fantasy football showdown: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blogging extravaganza! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Alright! Welcome one and all to SSFA!'s 2nd live blog! Come on in and warm yourself by the fire of burning football wreckage!

RWPilk
And for those that don't know, this was Cole and I's first and only match up week in our league And I'm sorry to say that, barring some kind of Green Bay D miracle tonight (40+ points) he will win. But more on that later. MNF is on Packers! Vikings! That Favre guy! Let's do it!

Cole
Aaaand Mike Tirico kicks off with hyperbole #1: "If you built a Mount Rushmore of Green Bay, B**** F**** would be on it." Sigh.

RWPilk
Who else would be on it? A dairy cow?

Cole
I dunno ... Vince Lombardi? Bart Starr? Curly Lambeau? Aaannd... yeah all right, fine. F****. Hyperbole continues, by the way. I'm pretty sure Adrian Peterson is not the best runner of all time after one full season.

RWPilk
Bryan, looking into the crowd, can we possibly quantify how many bad hats we're gonna see tonight? Cheese. Horns. This has gotta be the worst game to attend and actually sit behind someone.

Cole
Donald Lee with an athletic move, and the Pack is having some success with the short game on the first drive; they're already near the 50.

RWPilk
"He could play in space!" ...I don't know what that means, announcer man. And a fumble. Here we go Packers D! What are the chances of 17 sacks and 21 picks?

Cole
Welp, You-Know-Who is on the field now. For those of you playing the F**** drinking game, my condolences to your families, as you clearly won't survive this. Please note, by the way, F**** is working with Adrian Peterson, not vice versa. If this team succeeds, it's because Peterson runs over everyone. Or because F**** doesn't throw 90 picks.

RWPilk
Taunting! I don't get points for taunting, Packers! Jesus. Keep the pie holes shut and just sack, sack, sack.

Cole
Look on the bright side: one big hit, and the fate of the Vikings rests in the hands of one Tarvaris Jackson. Or Sage Rosenfels.

RWPilk
Ah, and there it is. He was wide open! What are you people doing!? Adrian Peterson! And, by the way, is it just me or does Favre look like a kid wearing his dad's clothes? That jersey is like Refrigerator Perry size! -rimshot- That's right folks, I just made a successful NFL joke. I know a little bit.

Cole
Nooo! Pilk! Ixnay on the intelligence. You'll blow our cover!

RWPilk
Actually I only know that because I know the a jeweler who worked for the company that produced the Superbowl rings that year for the Steelers. He said you could fit a dachshund in Perry's ring. A dachshund! Anyway. Awesome play, Packers. And now it's a game.

Cole
...Perry played for the Bears. He shuffled and everything! Back to normal. Phew. And just in time for F**** to retake the field.

RWPilk
Is it too much ask for a pick? Aw thanks, Harvin. I need more Vikings to down themselves in the backfield. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say pause for that. I'll sleep better.

Colebag, can we talk about the Eagles for a moment? We both got some big guns coming back for week 5. And I know, at least in my case, it's not soon enough.

Cole
Oh what, now? Oops. Okay. I know McNabb practiced today, haven't heard anything about Westbrook yet.

Uh oh. Meanwhile, Rodgers gets his bell rung on a huge sack and a terrible pass. Looks more and more like Brett every day, huh Pack fans.

RWPilk
"All these Packers are trying to hit Favre right now!" Yeah. Because one good hit will remind Favre it's past his bedtime. You have weeding to do tomorrow, Brett! Weeding!

Cole
You know, this drive Peterson's been held more or less in check and F****'s been carving up the Packers' D, just like on that TD pass to Sidney Rice. Still gotta work on those celebrations with Chester Taylor, though.

RWPilk
For those watching at home who aren't getting enough Favre mentions, Sears is here to fill that void in your life. Good God. Just when you thought it was safe to watch commercial breaks. Alright, back to the game!

Cole
Vikings' defense shuts down Rodgers again, and someone's looking like an idiot for picking the Pack +3.5. And that'd be me. Oh well, still up after the week in my picks league.

RWPilk
Oh! Take it, Peterson! That a DTD for my team! Whahahahaha! You go and you think about that, Adrian!

Cole
Whoa! Good morning. What a hit on the kickoff return. Vikes get the ball back and, I assume, so will Peterson. The Packers are awake again.

RWPilk
That was a pick! C'mon refs! Oh, good christ! Stop talking about Favre's age. He's old... we all get it! I want him sacked and ground into some kind of fine, milk soluble powder. Cheers!

Cole
Oh, I see you're doing a good job making up for a mostly sober first half.

Meanwhile, can someone tell Jon Gruden we don't care what he looked like in 1992? Please, Jon, shut your face already. As we hit halftime, I never thought I'd say it, but I almost miss Tony Kornheiser. Wait, no I don't.

RWPilk
Alright. 2nd half. I'm trying to get excited, but not even Kid Rock helps. I got a bad feeling for Green Bay. Whoa that guy spray-painted his cheesehead black! "Favre for life!" I'm frightened! And there's a connection for Favre... and some guy. God dammit!

Cole
I believe that's spelt, "Favre 4 Life." Maybe "4 Lyfe" even. And you know your defense is in trouble when your cornerback is fixing his mouthpiece as his man coasts into the end zone.

RWPilk
Apparently we have a guy following SSFA! for actual sports news. Holy god. Didn't think it would happen. For the record, it's GB 14 Vikings 28, 3rd quarter. So, there you go buddy. Thanks for following? lol Wow.

Cole
Can you tell that we're new/not good at this? A big shout out to Lone Star College and whatever anonymous teacher is depending on us for updates...you poor bastard. On the off chance it's not blocked, here's the GameTracker.

Meanwhile, while we spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out where the hell Lone Star College is, the Packers have taken the ball down to the Minnesota 35, as Rodgers is connecting through the air as the pocket collapses. Nothing deep, but infinite eight-yard passes will get you there eventually.

RWPilk
Thank GOD that wasn't a fumble, and the "body part of the arm" wasn't a crucial factor. The Vikings are still stopping them on the line! C'mon Packers! Go for it on 4th down!

Cole
Fourth down from the 1.5 yard line, and GB goes empty backfield...and Donald Lee drops the pass in the end zone! Right through his hands, and a turnover on downs. Aaron Rodgers is understandably disappointed.

RWPilk
Well, I can still hope for a safety! Mwahahahaha! The most embarrassing of NFL scores! I have to say though, that was some incredible red zone defense for the Vikings.

Cole
I don't understand why the Vikings are still throwing so much here. You have Peterson, why not use him? You run down a lot more clock than F**** gunning incompletions down the sideline.

Oh, and that's the end of the 3rd quarter, still 28-14 Vikings.

Cole
Interesting play call by the Vikings: Wildcat formation, reverse gets the ball to Sidney Rice, who looks downfield before scrambling out of the pocket and wisely throwing the ball well out of bounds. Vikings punt the ball away with 13 minutes left, and called 8 passes to 3 runs during that drive. As exciting as those kind of plays are to watch, if I were a Vikings fan, I would be having a coronary about the play calling come December.

-A reenactment of the tonight's MNF announcing. C'mon people-

RWPilk
Alright. I'm not writing about Favre ever again. I've had my fill for a lifetime tonight. Just one more touchdown would make this an interesting game. Green Bay is getting another shot. Let's see what happens!

Cole
Welcome to the club, Pilk. And you know, they keep talking about how great a game F**** is having, but Rodgers has been sacked six times and F**** hasn't even hit the artificial turf recently. Add that to the fact that Ryan Grant is getting killed trying to get the ball out of his own end zone -- oop! and another sack/turnover for the Vikes' D. Conclusion: Minnesota has a world-class offensive line and defensive line. Meanwhile, the announcers have talked about how "courageous" the Vikings' ownership is, but would you hear about the line play? Yeah right.

Green Bay challenged that it was an incomplete pass rather than a fumble. Replays make it look like a safety. And Jaworski just said taking a safety is better than giving up a touchdown for the Packers. Uh, no, because the Vikings get the ball after a safety, which leads to (a) the potential for more points, and (b) more time off the clock. Attaboy, Ron.

With the reversal, Minnesota picks up two points and it's now 30-14 with 7:21 left.

RWPilk
Mike Tirico "I know we mentioned Favre is gonna turn 40 a couple of times..." A couple of times?! Jesus Christ! I think I know his shoe size, his darkest fear, and the name of his 4th grade teacher by now. Sigh. For the record: it's Packers 14, Vikings 30. 5 min left in the 4th quarter.

Cole
Rodgers' scrambling leads to a 33-yard touchdown for Jordy Nelson. The 2-point conversion fails though, because -- surprise surprise -- the Vikings apply way too much pressure. 30-20 with 3:40 left.

RWPilk
Well, I hate to say it, but it looks pretty bleak for the Packers. Especially after the missed 2pts. Packers trail by 10 in the final 3 1/2 minutes. You know Bryan, I was just reading an article about how a significant portion of the Packers team didn't even play with Favre so were not "fired up" for this game. I would have disagreed in the the first half. But now... maybe a little.

Cole
I'm not worried about that, to be honest. That's the kind of "hindpsychology" that everyone uses after the game but is completely worthless beforehand.

Speaking of worthless, let's talk about Brad Childress' terrible playcalling. After the Packers use their last timeout, Childress calls a long bomb that of course falls incomplete and gives the Packers the ball back after a mere 30 seconds. Terrifying. I said it before, I'll say it again: the Vikes win despite Childress, not because of him. Grant goes out of bounds and Green Bay is scrambling for some points with just under 2 minutes left.

RWPilk
Good God, coach McCarthy. You're the picture of confidence. Turning through your little playbook 2-ring binder like an 8th grader in desperate need of his hw. Shaking your head like you have absolutely no idea what's going on. You're killin' me man! And the seconds tick down. I congratulate Bryan on a good win this week. My team did not deliver. More on that tomorrow. Cole, some closing thoughts?

Cole
Degenerate gamblers everywhere were screaming at their TVs for Green Bay to score a touchdown and cover the spread.

Oh Christ. Now Michelle Tafoya drools over B**** F**** in the usual self-serving interview. The worst of the worst, as F**** says, "I'm always emotional," with tears in his eyes. Oh really. Well, Manny Ramirez just called; says he has some hormones to help with your menopause.

And then Mike Tirico adds insult to injury by throwing in, "You're probably sick of hearing about the drama." Yeah. Yeah we are. And now Trent Dilfer just called him, "absolute magic". I hate all types of things now.

RWPilk
And that concludes our 2nd live blog! Stay tuned for more fantasy hilarity tomorrow and thanks to all who joined us for the insanity tonight. I think I speak for both Cole and I when I say... Screw this! I'm going to bed.

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Week 4 Preview: The glass is half empty. Twice.

-Chicken soup, comin' up!-

Oh, gentle-hearted ssfa! readers... if only every week could be as big, as epic and so running with the sweet juices of drama as Week 4. This Sunday, Brees and his Saints march on Rex's Jets, both 3-0. Monday, Favre takes on his former Packers while wearing purple. And, brace yourself people, for the only time this fantasy season, Cole and RWPilk will go head-to-head and face each other. Will Cole's calculations come through with a win? Will Pilk's drunken staggering plop him face-first into victory? Let's go to them now for the skinny...
And don't forget to tune in for our MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL liveblog, 8:30 EST! Don't miss it!!!

Cole

Current Standing: 2-1, 6th Overall

I can see it coming a mile away.

I don't know how it's going to happen, but I'm going to get destroyed. Maybe Drew Brees will throw for 400 yards and five touchdowns, the world's biggest sign that, hey, maybe he would've been worth a top-three pick. Maybe T.O. will catch so many touchdowns that he runs out of preening touchdown dances. Or maybe I'll be up a few going into Monday night, and then the Packers' D comes up with a late TAINT (touchdown after interception) off Favre for some storybook revenge and maximum screwing-me-over. I can't tell for certain.

All I know is, if a lifetime of rooting for perennial punching bags has taught me anything, it's that any game you really want to or have to win, Murphy's Law will ensure you won't. Just take it easy on me Tuesday after Pilk humiliates me by 30, that's all I ask.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th Overall

I gotta be straight with you people, but I'm not optimistic about my face-off with Colebag. Not a lot of factors are counting for me. Pretty much my whole team is coming a downright chilly week, and the forecast for Week 4 isn't rosy.

Item uno: Mister Brees. Following a rigid 4-point performance against the Bills last week, the nawlin's golden boy is facing the Jets, which, I've learned, has the best pass defense right now. When did that happen? Cole points out that the Jets opponents haven't been spectacular, but nevertheless, Brees has been the backbone of my score, and I'll need him to score well if I'm to have a chance at winning.

Item B: Running Backs. I'm screwed. Westbrook is hurt and on a bye. Fine. Hopefully he'll be back with McNabb and the Eagles crew healthy and ready to rock in Week 5. Good, great. In the meantime, I gotta suffer with KC's Larry Johnson (who's been a dud for 3 weeks) and the Giants' Ahmad Bradshaw, who didn't even practice Wednesday and is "questionable" for Week 4. Ugh. Don't get me started on T.O. (WR). I'm hoping he at least touches the ball.

Item 3: The Green Bay D. Is there any chance Favre can get in some freak weeding accident in the next 2 days? Don't get me wrong, they've been solid. And now they're going up against they're former QB/ Wrangler Jeans spokesman. I would guess that there's a good chance the D will be fired up for revenge. But they're IN Minnesota, and the Vikings are coming off a dramatic win. CBS is predicting a definitive FAIL for the Packers D. But with the Seahawks as my alternate, I've got no choice but to go with the big cheese this week. Let's hope Favre develops lactose intolerance.

So, there are some issues. Still, having watched a moderate amount of football the last few years, I'm a big believer in the "Any Given Sunday" rule. Anything can happen. CBS is predicting Cole to win by a significant margin. But they also air three versions of CSI. It helps me sleep at night.

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Monday Night Live Blogging!

-Two words for you, dude. "Tic, Tac."-

Cole and RWPilk are at it again! To commemorate the only week this season that our two authors will be going head-to-head, SSFA! will host another live blog for Monday Night Football! Just as Green Bay and Minnesota's rivalry spills over when Favre switches uniforms, Cole and RWPilk will put their fantasy theories to the test in this one-on-one gauntlet! So tune in for every blow, every beer, every quiet sob of bitter humiliation!
The hilarity commences Monday!

Green Bay Packers at Minnesota Vikings
October 5th, 2009
8:30pm on ESPN

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