Week 14 Preview: Do or Die

-You can see he's not married. That means he's unreliable.-

The Final Week: Week 14.

What can we say? It's been a long, weird ride this season. Big prospects disappointed us. Unexpected sleepers surprised us. And that one time, RWPilk waterboarded Cole for a game time decision. But it's all in the past! And this will decide once and for all if RWPilk and his Sweet Fancy Moses will chase Cole and his Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine into the playoffs. Who will be crowned with Fantasy Football supremecy in 2009? Who's fantasy sports theory will ring true? We'll find out... this week!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 7-6, 5th overall

So, Colebag... aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Cole

Current Standing: 10-3, 1st overall

Look, if you make the playoffs, you’ll end up playing me in the first week, and one of two things will happen. Either my team will shit the proverbial bed in such profound fashion that it will be discussed for years to come, in which case you won’t shut up about how superior you are in every facet of life and I will be miserable. Or my team will win and you will get drunkenly belligerent starting around halftime in the 4:00 games and take your misfortunes out on me for the next week or so and I will be miserable. On the other hand, if you miss the playoffs, at least I will have had nothing to do with it and we can revert to a sense of normalcy.

RWPilk
Hahaha, every facet of life. But what a comeback it would be if I just make them! It's been a miserable season. C'mon! You're a Sox fan! A Tulane fan! You gotta love some of the underdog action going on here. What if I promise only to start yelling at the 8:30 game?

Cole
Well, it’s better than nothing. As a Tulane/Red Sox fan, as you know, I am programmed to expect the worst, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a worse situation than miserable failure in the first round of the playoffs after a respectable regular season, so that’s really my primary concern at this point. Besides, if you miss the playoffs, that means of the teams in the playoffs, only Gi and myself will be in the top half of the league in points scored. Mark is eighth (somehow), your Aunt Deb is tenth, and Sue is ninth. What kind of league is this, by the way? Your dad is fourth in points and only has like five wins, and Jim -- the current top scorer -- is out of playoff contention. As in, he can’t make the playoffs. At all. It’s impossible..

RWPilk
Yeah, I'm learning that about your strange fantasy (football) world... the math is really weird. Jim is out. Jim's never out. It's been a strange year. You know what else is weird? You reference all the other people in our league all the time... no one must know what the hell you're talking about. And by no one, I mean the one Atlanta housewife who might find our site looking for nude pictures of Joe Flacco. Sorry, lady.

Cole
Why not? Other columnists do it. “My buddies J-Bug and Sal were in Vegas with me and we were talking about Godfather II…” Besides, we’re talking about our mutual fantasy league. There are other people in it.

Enough foreplay. It’s time for the coach’s cliché section. Rob, how do you feel about this week’s matchup?

RWPilk
I'm scared, Bryan. Things have gone well the last two weeks. A little TOO well. I'm afraid God might not allow such smooth sailing. I'm facing The Himalayian Walking shoes, the team that, for a majority of the season, sat ontop of my division standings. They also have Tom Brady. I have the terrible feeling that karma is winding up for a soul-crushing wallop. I really need my team to do awesome (GB is in Chicago... phew). Your season is pretty much over... what do you think of my match-up?

Cole
It's not over. It's not over until I decide it -- yeah okay fine. Everyone's favorite -- the CBS Guru -- calls this a one-point game which I think would lead to you having a heart attack. But quarterbacks will be the key: Drew Brees should have a field day against the Falcons, while Tom Brady is listed as "questionable: right shoulder, right finger, rib". I'd say (a) that should help some: either he'll have a quiet day and leave early, or (b) he might not play at all. Remember, McNabb broke ribs and missed a month at the beginning of the season. Then again, McNabb threw up on the field in Super Bowl XXXIX, so who the hell knows.

RWPilk
Pffft. Brady is always listed on the DL, I don't think there's anyway he's not four quarters. I'll take that quiet game though. This is it. RWPilk and the Sweet Fancy Moses' last stand. Onward Brees, Packers, Wayne. Onward Marshall, Sproles, Austin, Boss and McCoy... and you too, Gould. Onward all of you. It's do or die... and I sure as hell don't know where to get 10 coffins.

See everyone next week!

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Week 8 Recap: It Still Stings

-Sweet, Sweet Flacco/Heap Action? Not likely, sucker.-

Just as the winds appeared to shift in Week 7 towards an RWPilk comeback, they're already shifting back in the opposite direction with a definitive Cole victory. Damn you, finicky winds! With your flippin' and your floppin'! Anyway, let's go to the authors now to see just what in the hell happened this week. Parental guidance suggested.

Cole

Current Standing: 6-2, tied for 1st Overall

Since I'm delusional to write this thing, let's go all-out delusional here. Let's attribute my team's bullish performance to Gi's trash-talking marathon Friday. Let's say her post provided fake bulletin board material, giving my team the edge it needed to record its second-highest point total to date en route to an 18-point victory.

Sure. Or, we could give the metaphorical game ball to my ever-faithful stable of running backs. To Ray Rice! May you continue to put up points despite a grueling schedule. To Chris Johnson! May you always display getting-away-from-the-cops speed. And to Matt Forte! May you play the Browns every week.

And let's not forget the Saints' DST, with a stellar 17 points this week and their sixth defensive touchdown. Where would I be without my favorite waiver-wire pickup? Probably not 6-2, I can tell you that much. It's worth pointing out that they have more touchdowns off interceptions than the Browns, Lions, and Raiders have passing touchdowns. (Source) Oh, hello, Calvin Johnson. Yeah, I'll deal with you later.

The only sour note was my acquisition and subsequent starting of David Garrard over Donovan McNabb. The Jaguars were supposed to have an easy matchup against the Titans, the Eagles were supposed to have a tough matchup against the Giants, yadda yadda yadda, I left 23 points on the bench.

So I still have a three-game lead, now with six games to play, meaning the unfortunate-but-still-comical epic collapse should be juuust around the corner. Next up is Queen of the Castle, fresh off a tight victory over Pilk. Fun fact: Queen of the Castle's entire bench was devoted to bye-week players last week. Weird.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-4, 7th overall

There seems to be a pattern going on in our league. There's always one miserable match where both teams do pretty terrible, and one just happens to win by being a little less terrible that week. Last week, Cole was in that game and lost. This week was my turn, and, oh, what a turn it was. This one really hurts people. This one was my bad.

After a waiver wire buffet last week, I also executed my first trade with Cole. He wanted QB Garrard (that he immediately put in for McNabb, say whaaa?!) and he offered me RB "I'm built of Legos" Westbrook's back up, McCoy. To be honest, I totally forgot about the trade and when I was alerted it was approved Sunday morning, I blew it off. I just had fixed my RB situation via said waiver wire... What's McCoy gonna do?

My waiver wire restructuring was a total bust. TE Todd Heap, some mook I'm now stuck with the rest of the year, scored one point. And, by golly, RB Darren Sproles, the guy I picked up before trading with Cole matched that score. McCoy, on my bench? Fifteen points. My loss deficit this week: 6 points.

Of course, it's easy to look at my trade gaff as the smoking gun here, but honestly, the rest of my time wasn't helping. Packers DST got destroyed, Brandon Marshall was off playing solitaire somewhere, and even Neil Rackers scored under 5 points. Ho-leeeee Christmas, you know it's a bad week when after the dust clears, even your kicker has a blue note.

I'm off to cry into some beers now.

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Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Gi

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Flabby-Armed:
Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

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Liberal Guys to NFL: Pass on Rush

-That a... throwback tie, Rush?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 2-3, 8th overall

There's always one weird sports headline every week that makes me double take and shoot PBR out of my nose. This week it's this one over at ESPN. I usually have to dive out the nearest exit when some pundit gets in front of a camera and starts yankin' themselves over one thing or another, but this story is going for a trifecta! Limbaugh! Sharpton! Jackson! Let's read on!

Apparently, red-state blow-hard Rush Limbaugh is some kinda football aficionado and wants to buy the Rams. Well, not that great of an aficionado; the Rams are 0-5. But whatever, he made a bid. Enter liberal idiots Rev. Al Sharpton and Rev. Jesse Jackson. They want to meet with the NFL commissioner about blocking Limbaugh's bid, calling him racist (surprise!) and "anti-NFL". When reached for comment, Spike Lee is quoted saying "Cracker-ass cracker."

Rush calls the whole attempt at cock-blocking his sensual tango with the Rams "Sad"... but clearly forgets that there is a well documented history of his racism and... anti-NFLness. Documented on his own site even. ESPN points out that his website archives a 2007 show that calls the NFL a fight between the blood vs crypts and ends with "There, I said it." Bravo, Rush. Perhaps Rush also forgets that he "resigned" from a ESPN pregame spot in 2003 for making the case that Donovan McNabb's popularity was a result of NFL affirmative action.

Does anyone really care who owns what team? And what exactly is Rush gonna try and do anyway, turn the Rams into this? That ain't no way to improve 0-5, Rush.

Sweet, Sweet Updated Action: So, it seems that PFT is reporting that today NFL Commish Roger Goodell commented that "decisive comments" are not welcome in the National Football League when asked about Limbaugh's bid for Ram's ownership. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PR talk for "No freaking way!"

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Week 5 Recap: Can you spare a QB? Please?

-Insert Curly noise.-

Alright, Week 5. Go on, get out of here. You made your point... even though Cole and RWPilk will probably end up with wins after Monday night, you proved yourself a wicked mistress. Full of miserable games (Buffalo and Cleveland, Jacksonville and Seattle) and some unexpected duds (QB Garrard, WR C. Johnson, etc.), all you left us with is some unreturned phone calls and that burning sensation. Let's go to our two heroes now for the skinny!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

It's hard to really complain too much when you win -- wait, what was that, RW?

Okay, so maybe not. Regardless, I'm just overjoyed that Donovan McNabb is back and leading the Eagles through their three-week goodwill tour of local high school teams. With the three he threw for yesterday, he's now scored six touchdowns and 52 points in just two games. I'm impressed. Speaking of injury replacements, a sincere "thank you" to Glen Coffee, who posted double digits in both of his fill-in starts and will immediately return to the magical land of The Bench.

There were some terrible games this week: not only cupcake matchups that make LSU-ULL look like a nailbiter, but ugly games between godawful teams that no one without a fantasy team should have to suffer through. Suggestion to Roger Goodell: Next time this happens, just have the coaches play it out on Madden 10 or something; you could save a lot of money and reduce your carbon footprint, whatever the hell that means.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

Someone please tell me, is there a special club or something I need to join to get a decent score out of a quarterback? A form I need to fill out? Some kind of square-headed god I need to pray to? Tell me. Because I'll do it. I'll do it right now.

Coming off a hot, 31-point week last week, Jacksonville's David Garrard got SHUT OUT by the Seahawks and had the stats to put up three points. Three. And that's with two fumbles. My god, I'm some kind of QB black hole. I'm back to Drew Brees in Week 6.

This week, however, I'm glad to point out that I actually made a suave strategic move that helped my team. I played matchmaker with some waiver wire defenses, picked up the Bills vs Browns and got 17 points out the deal, my biggest defensive score of the season. Alright, alright. Not too shabby. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this thing here.

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Week 5 Preview: Hello, Goodbye

-Return of the Bed Guy.-

Five weeks have already passed and a wide deficit gapes between our authors. But who knows how the chips will fall with Week 5? Both Cole and RWPilk are getting valuable players back from injuries and face some crucial bye weeks. So let the speculation and yo mama jokes fly. It's Week 5. 'Nuff said. And don't forget to check out our MLB Playoff Poll to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 3-1, 1st Overall

After two months, still not 100 percent sure I can run a sports blog, but "yo mama" jokes? Those I can handle. Yo mama's so old her sex tape is on Laserdisc! Oh whoops. After review, Pilk's playing against his mother this week so the ruling on the yo mama jokes has been overturned. Common decency will not be charged with a timeout.

Fine, back to football. We're just into that awkward bye week portion of the schedule, where everyone gets screwed over a couple of times by star players on the bench. This week my opponent (Pilk's dad, in a caramel-covered piece of syrupy sweet irony) is forced to sit Phillip Rivers and Antonio Gates, while your humble narrator gets Donovan McNabb back for at least the first eight minutes of Sunday's blowout vs. Tampa (too soon, Pats fans?).

I can't decide if I'm excited about this matchup or not: I get my final week out of Glen Coffee before Frank Gore returns to the scene, and Dwayne Bowe returns to mediocrity. Which reminds me, how many football players are aware of the fact they have more impact in fantasy football than in the NFL? I have players from the Titans, the Lions, the Chiefs, none of those teams are going anywhere. If you're Larry Johnson and you break a long run, do you dive for the pylon like in a video game and deliberately miss, just to see if you can hear hundreds of owners collectively scream until they have aneurysms? Do you fake injuries all week so everyone sits you, and then play at full speed on Sunday? It's a long season for these guys, they gotta do something other than watch film and not everyone tweets. Just something to consider.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-3, 9th Overall

I'll be blunt with you, folks. I need a win this week.

There's just no two ways around it. Looking at my roster, I do have a little hope. For one thing, Brian Westbrook is back, and, if practice is any indication, at 100%. Great. It's still up in the air whether or not Larry Johnson or Ahmad Bradshaw will fill my second slot... but neither are really sterling choices. My other big move this week (on the Packers DST bye) was picking up the Bills D for their match up against the Browns. Call me crazy, but I like that move, and it's certainly better than playing my former bench D, the Seahawks. Gross.

The other big change is QB David Garrard, in for Drew Brees on his bye. Garrard had a big week last week and is now facing Seattle in Week 5. Not too shabby. I go forth with cautious optimism. That and a deep yearning that Cole bites it Sunday. Is that too much to ask, Jesus?

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The Vick Saga: Beating a Dead...

- Sigh. On the plus side, Vick is correctly depicted as being left-handed. -

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

It's not enough I have to deal with the cracked ribs of Donovan McNabb, missing a chance to put up pinball-like numbers against a woeful Saints defense. Oh no. Not enough that the Eagles have to screw over fantasy owners yet again, adding the McNabb injury to the DeSean Jackson brain fart from last season and the Brian Westbrook "kneel-at-the-one"* from the year before.

Really, the gooey hot fudge on the trainwreck sundae that the Eagles' season could become for fantasy owners is Michael Vick. Actual Eagle fans are having problems enjoying the year too, what with the angry mobs congregating in and around the Linc and interfering with the usual angry mobs that just want to throw batteries at David Akers in peace. And now everyone's favorite tubby empty-headed crank, Andy Reid Phil McGraw, Ph.D., is getting in on the act, discussing Vick at length on his show yesterday.

Were Dr. Phil involved in a game of football, he would be penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct; namely, "piling on" Vick (pause). Since Vick understandably refused to discuss his mental state with a man of McGraw's professional caliber, any wild diagnoses McGraw cared to make were based on his panel of tangentially-related experts and a 20-second vanilla phone call with Eagles' head coach Andy Reid, who swore Vick was sincere about making a change. And starting with the man in the mirror.

But that wasn't enough for Dr. Phil's legion of brainless retirees fans, as evidenced by his show's message board. "When the Steelers come to Dallas, I will be standing there protesting with a big old sign on my pettite little body even if it cost me my own arrest," wrote one poster. "It will be worth it."

(Nobody tell Cyndy that Vick plays for the Eagles, all right? Cool.)

Okay, okay, I'll stop picking on grandmothers and get to the point. Look, Rob and I have both weighed in on this already, and I'm sick of talking about Vick, so I'm only going to say this one more time. Michael Vick has paid his debt to society. He has. He served 20 months in a "pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison" and has years of parole ahead of him. He owes creditors some comical amount of money, in the tens of millions of dollars. Eight figures. He won't going to make that back playing football; he won't make that back playing football and working three jobs in the offseason. Does anyone honestly think Vick's life is going to be sunshine and roses from here out, that he's home free now? No way. His life has, for all intents and purposes, been ruined.

And what did he do exactly? Yes, animal cruelty for pleasure and profit, I know. And don't get me wrong: it was deplorable. I love dogs. I've owned a couple. If you crunch the numbers, the average dog will come out with a huge VORP (value over replacement pet). But Donte Stallworth just ended the life of another human being and got less than one month in prison for that. Ray Lewis was charged with murder before every key witness changed their testimony, and was named Super Bowl MVP twelve months later. Even Marvin Harrison, perpetually glorified as the anti-T.O., is in a boatload of legal trouble for allegedly shooting at other human beings. I'm just curious why two years out of football isn't enough for Vick when there are plenty of athletes across the board guilty of worse crimes and still playing.

"But Vick's back in the NFL!" you say. "No other convicted felon has this easy a time finding employment after their release." That's a fair point and, honestly, far more interesting than the puppy-killing ones. My argument is this: Michael Vick possesses a very specific skill set and is exceptional at what he does. He is one of the best people in the world at throwing a prolate spheroid long distances. Therefore, teams interested in winning football games will pick up any good football players they have the opportunity to add, personal issues be damned.

Or how about this point: Vick's real crime -- the one he did 19 months for -- was related to gambling. Now that he has the means (connections from his dogfighting days), the opportunity (a job with a professional football team), and the motive (the aforementioned bankruptcy), that gremlin of point-shaving has to have been planted by now. I don't believe he'd be stupid enough to try it, and I'm not even sure I believe he'll be in games enough to affect the outcome (in football, you usually need more than one party involved). Still, the mere thought of this type of scandal has to keep Roger Goodell up nights.

But you have to think Vick's getting a little wiser in his old age than all that anyway. After all, he avoided Dr. Phil like the plague.
_____
* - Honestly, I can't fault him for this; it was in fact the correct thing to do. But man, does that kill you as an owner.

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Week 1 Recap: And Off We Go!

-Step 1: Hold on to the ball. Step 2: Don't ruin everything.-

And what a week it was, folks. Cracked ribs! Throwback jerseys! Comically desperate, final-second laterals! The Lions! Oh, the memories. The SSFA! duel of fantasy sports theory is finally on as Cole and RWPilk make their first etchings into their records. Let's inflate their sense of purpose and go to them now for some thoughts on Week 1! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary. Go ahead, I'll wait.

::whistles::

Back yet? Did you happen to see my fantasy roster listed as an example? No? Because you didn't really look, I'm sure, but trust me, it's in there.

How disappointed can I be after week one? Oh, plenty. My powerhouse running back tandem of Matt Forte and Chris Johnson, known the fantasy world over as top-ten talent, posted a combined 10 points. Greg Olsen, a top-five TE in some publications, earned me as many points as Alex Smith, who came as close to seeing the field as I did. Kris Brown -- I mean, I don't know what the hell I was thinking there, but Houston getting just seven points? Come on. And the Dolphins' DST (admittedly a reach on the best of days) was bad enough that I'm seriously looking at acquiring the Saints' defense. I will now wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Oh, and I almost forgot about McNabb. Hey, terrific. Thanks for the 21 points and the memories; at least you're already light years ahead of the QB I drafted last year: Matt Hasselback. Friggin' awesome.

Just once I'd like to have a good draft chased by some solid weeks and not have to go scrambling to the waiver wire every damn Tuesday morning. You know the scenes in Edward Scissorhands where Johnny Depp's cutting things? Just a whirlwind of activity and a blur of leaves/hair/fur/ice? That's what my fantasy roster's going to look like over the coming weeks.

I love this game.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Ahhh. Let's start off with some prerequisite smack talking: Even though he was able to squeak by with a win, Mr. "No one knows how to draft but me" Cole landed the third lowest score in the league in Week 1. Hear that squeaking noise? That's one point for my fantasy sports theory going up on the dry erase board. Count it. But don't feel bad, once Cole gets a win he'll shoot it right back at me. How long does it take for cracked ribs to heal?

What is there to say about my team's performance? You sports people were right about Drew Brees: he scored just less than 50 pts this week. Still, all the saintly pictures of him floating around are a little much aren't they? C'mon. He played the Lions. Unless the rest of the Saints' schedule is filled with Girl Scout Troops and collections of small mice, I think we can calm down a little. Still, I'm excited about him.

I was hoping for a better performance from the Green Bay defense, given all the hype, but they put up decent numbers nonetheless. Westbrook was great, but as predicted by CBS analytics, RB Larry Johnson was shut down and T.O. gained a measly 4 pts despite his endorsement from VH1. Still it's hard to get mad at T.O. when it was Leodis McKelvin who fumbled for Buffalo and let the Pats win. C'mon! You let them off the hook! They were who you thought they were! Despite those cream colored helmets.

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Post-Draft Hangover

-What do you mean I'm in the wrong building!?-

And so the mighty draft came to pass... and it was good? We won't really know until we start putting some numbers on the board, but as the disciples of sports fandom and people who watch Lost know, it's fun to speculate! Will Brandon Marshall get his ducks in a row in time for RWPilk to benefit? What will Cole do if Michael Vick gobbles up some of McNabb's QB pie? Are there polar bears involved? We go live to the draft machines themselves for some answers... And be sure to visit our poll on our right hand side bar and let us know what you think.

Cole
Draft Pick Position: 3rd
First Round Pick: Matt Forte (RB)

I think a lot of people feel like they improved their drafts over last week's, which is good, but clearly everyone can't have improved. Either way, no one is more excited than I am that we got to redo that draft from last week, because this might be the best draft I've ever had.

Look at it! Look at that sweet, sweet RB action. One of the top four players overall in Forte, another first-round talent in Chris Johnson (and his handcuff/touchdown vulture, LenDale White), Ray Rice in the seventh round, Felix Jones in the eighth, Reggie Bush in the ninth?! Come on. And then there's my receivers: Calvin Johnson is a top five receiver and I snagged him in the third round. Dwayne Bowe is a top 10 receiver in some publications and I got him in the fourth. What's that? Cassel's hurt and Bowe's production might suffer? Oh, well then let me throw in mid-round talent Jerricho Cotchery, whom I got in the 11th round, or 14th-round "flyer" Nate Washington. And my tight end? Greg Olson, who lasted until the 10th round, the 11th TE picked in the league. Everyone I read has him as a top-five talent at the position.

And yeah, McNabb is an injury risk, but so is everyone in fantasy football. And for once, McNabb has the weapons to be truly dangerous (assuming he stays upright). With young guns like DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and Jeremy Maclin, Andy Reid finally has more options than "Brian Westbrook and pray".

Usually, in a 12-team draft, you'd expect to get around eight or nine of the top 100 players. I picked up 11 according to CBS Sportsline, and three of their top 15.

RWPilk
Draft Pick Position: 4th
First Round Pick: Drew Brees (QB)

The draft is finished and I'm glad. I was beginning to forget why we started this site to begin with. As you all know, we had a bit of misfire last week with out draft when the draft got voided. I was pleased with that draft. I'm as pleased with this one. I had my eye on Housh and Favre (for a back-up QB this time, he's a nice middle finger to all the football fans in my league) but didn't get them. Still, Brees was high on the list of must haves according to our draft listings, so I snatched him up. I also got T.O. and Brandon Marshall, two bad boy rebels with a problem with authority, but possessing raw talent. So, I rolled the dice. I hope they get their stuff together for some hard-playing, and drive me into some victories wearing their leather jackets on their Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

What do I think of the competition? Well, to prove myself right, I ONLY have to beat Cole. And what do I see? A list of nobodies. How many of your players have reality shows, Colebag? How many are suspended? How many defenses of yours have soft schedules? How many? That's right. Bagel. Cole's first pick is some guy named Forte. I went to elementary school with a guy named Forte. He was twice our size and we threw erasers at him. I'm about as intimidated. Bring it.

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Almost Sunny in Philadelphia

- "Another home run? Boy could I use a beer..." -

Cole

It's a little bit strange for this blog to have two Philly-based posts in a row, so let me counteract that by saying: TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY!*

Ahem. Sorry.

But it is a good day to be a sports fan in Philly. Regardless of what you think of Michael Vick, he served his time, he has been reinstated (sort of) and the Eagles see fit to take a chance on him. Now Andy Reid will do his best to earn his reputation as an offensive genius, either by working Vick into the existing offense or adopting a version of the Wildcat formation that Miami ran so successfully last year. Imagine that with two professional quarterbacks. The possibilities are exciting, and football fans can expect to see some big numbers on the Linc's scoreboard.

You could argue that the signing was just gamesmanship, that the Eagles don't really plan to use Vick and were just preventing a division rival like the Redskins from upgrading. Or you could argue that the move is really just to give them depth if/when McNabb gets injured and Kevin Kolb disappoints. But I disagree: you don't spend $1.6 million in a league with a salary cap on gamesmanship or third QBs. Even McNabb's comments granting him five snaps a game ring hollow: Five snaps? That's it?

If you don't like the move (insert snarky dog joke here) then you can at least take solace in the fact that the guy who dumped a beer on outfielder Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino turned himself in yesterday to Chicago police. He now faces two counts of battery and one count of extreme douchebaggery.

We here at SSFA! pride ourselves on our objective reporting, so let's look at the evidence here.


Okay, there are three things in this picture that give it away.
1. Those sunglasses: what are you, Kanye West?
2. That sweatband: what year is this, 1983?
3. The whole throwing-a-beer-at-a-baseball-player thing (not pictured, but there's video evidence here): those things aren't cheap, you know.

Now, if I can direct your attention to Figure 2 for a second here...


4. "It was totally that guy! I swear on my Ed Hardy jeans!"

Verdict: Douchy as charged. All right, I'll stop. The guy's been getting piled on enough (pause), and at least he turned himself in, I guess. But deliberately throwing a beer at a player? Come on. You don't see people chucking those aluminum bottles at Johnny Damon from the Monster seats^, and we hate that guy. Good thing Victorino caught the ball, by the way, or you'd see a lot more copycats.

________
*-In all seriousness, I thought Rob's favorite player looked pretty good for the most part last night, and his timing on the few deep throws he tried was right on. Good sign for Pats fans.
^-Not that I'm suggesting anything.

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