Week 1: Coming Attractions!

-No! You'll suck more!-

Finally. The 2009 NFL season is here. And no two guys are probably more excited than Cole and RWPilk. They watched the Titans and Steelers duke it out with bated breath (and a Jay Leno ad overdose) Thursday, a now, in turn, cast their astigmatism stricken/ blurry eyes to Week 1! Who do they like?! What do they hate?! What could they take or leave?! Let's go to them now... And don't forget about our DRAFT POLL, ready immediately to your right!

Cole

Fantasy-wise, I'm ready for this season (and the requisite trash-talking) to start in earnest, but for this week at least I'm in a strange position. In one league, I have Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones, and in the other, I'm going up against ... Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones. C'est la vie, I guess.

Good game last night though: no one is happier than Hines Ward that the Pittsburgh Steelers recovered from that fumble and defeated the Tennessee Titans. He should also be happy that the NFL has those crappy overtime rules. Call it silly, but I like the "Texas-style" college overtime system: each offense gets the ball on the opponents' 25 yard line (say the 50 in the NFL, so you can't just kick field goals every time), and repeat until there's a difference in scores. I love this idea, partly because it's mine but mostly because, hey, who doesn't like offense?

Meanwhile, I'd love to see the Falcons-Dolphins game this week. These are two teams that comically exceeded expectations last year thanks in part to a soft schedule; with a tougher schedule and a year to prepare, which team will regress? (Personally, I'd guess the Dolphins: I have more faith in Matty Ice than the continued success of Chad Pennington and the Wildcat wrinkle.) But, since the landlord says no DirecTV, I don't have the NFL Sunday Ticket package, and I'm stuck with Jets/Texans, Redskins/Giants, and ... Vikings/Browns?! Oh for -- man, those are all gonna suck. You know what I'm looking forward to? The game breaks. Well, at least Chicago-Green Bay will be fun to watch: I'm very curious to see Jay Cutler's Bears debut.

RWPilk

Well, hello there National Football League. How are you? I've seen you around. You're like that guy you always see at parties or get-togethers, but never really talked to. But now I have to. Now I have to awkwardly walk up to you, give you that odd nod of acknowledgment and somehow start a conversation with you. Maybe we're enjoying the same kind of beer. Maybe I overheard you make an Always Sunny reference. Or you've double parked my car and I really wanna get the hell out of here. Whatever the case, let's do this.

Part of me wants to say I want to watch the Saints face the Lions, mostly because I want to see Brees dominate. But, I would be lying. I have to admit, I'm really interested to see how my old favorites are going to do: the Pats. I'm just too curious to see how Brady will shape up, coming off a year of no playing, and how the defense will fare given some recent overhauling. There's a lot of pressure on them. At least for this first game, I won't root for their opposition (this Monday: the Bills, go T.O.!), but I won't be surprised to see them at least stagger a little.

Nah, who am I kidding? Please win, Buffalo.

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The League About Nothing

-Fictional reenactment-

Perhaps you'd like to know a little about our league.

First of all, it's a "Seinfeld League", meaning it's required that every owner knight their team with a reference from the TV show. Given Cole and RWPilk's encyclopedic, I-Can-Quote-George-In-Any-Situation knowledge of the show, this isn't hard. Cole has the Flabby-Armed Spanking Machine and RWPilk has the Sweet Fancy Moses'. Huzzah.

What else? Twelve players, three divisions of four (the Apartment, Coffee Shop, and Airport). Through random ordering, RWPilk and Cole are not in the same division, but will go head-to-head once (anyone say liveblog?).

Each team gets nine starters: a quarterback, two running backs, two wide receivers, a tight end, a kicker, a defense, and a flex player who can be either a back, a receiver, or a tight end. Teams get six bench players; there's no injured reserve. Scoring is pretty standard -- 1 point for every 10 rushing yards, 1 for every 10 receiving yards, 1 for every 25 passing yards, no points for receptions. Defense gets yardage and points allowed bonuses, along with points for turnovers and sacks.

Team standings is by wins/loses first (duh) and then points. All-in-all, a pretty typical for fantasy football goings-on.

For our team rosters, click here.

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Twittergate '09

-Don't worry little guy, we're in this together.-

RWPilk

09/17/09, Sweet Sweet Journalistic Inaccuracy Action!: Ah, so it appears that after a quick search of Ochocinco Twitter accounts, and not yielding a "verified account" page, I picked the wrong one. There is now (or could have always been) a verified #85 Twitter page, and it wasn't the one I cited, which explains the mix up. So, while amusing, the below article is bologna. Not saying I was wrong or anything, or lazy, or rushed. No. Didn't happen. but, you know. Bologna.

I don't like sports too much, but since acquiring SSFA! I've had to read a lot of about them. Boring. I have, however, become a fan of certain athletes' Twitter accounts. Cut to Chad Ochocinco, the Bengals WR with the name goofier than most Bond villains. He's a infamous tweeter apparently, and left many followers wondering what would happen now that the NFL is cracking down on players using social media. You know, because if a player out there wants to know "who's playin dat madden?", well that's gonna ruffle a few feathers.

Anyway, Ochocinco was bold enough at a press conference to apologize to the NFL in advance, claiming that he WOULD be tweeting before, during, and after games. Say whaaa?! Apparently, Ochocinco had read the NFL social media policy and "found loopholes." Whoa, take it NFL! Loopholes. Eat it. Can we get John Grisham in here to document this unfolding "lone man against the system" drama? Settle down, spaz, it gets weirder.

The usually reliable PFT over at MSNBC reported today that Ochocinco had broken his tweeting silence with the message "Storm coming!" Yeah, alright whatever. But when I checked Ochocinco's Twitter page, that tweet was nowhere to be found, but this was:

"im not going to quit tweetin,but i wont tweet during games ight peeps,the leagues getting on me"

No! Don't give up, Chad! This high drama of intrigue and suspense has barely even started! You still have to break into the NFL super computer mainframe hub, all Tom Cruise/Mission Impossible 1, ropes and pulley-like and tweet from there! That'll show'em! You can't give in! Not yet!

Sigh. Anyway, NFL season commences tonight. My sanity may audibly sigh in relief.

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En Passant ... Out.

-Perhaps I should castle. Castle? New Castle? Beer? Mmmmm...-

RWPilk

Yeah, it's a chess move pun. Deal with it.

Since we're about to dive deep into full-on football mode in the next few months (with a garnish of Red Sox fist-shaking), I figured it might be fun to write about another sport, as we do here and there at SSFA!. Dunno if we can really consider this a sport or not, but it was covered by ESPN a few days ago.

Chess usually doesn't come to mind when you think about opportunities to play your rockstar card, but tell that to French Chess Grandmaster Vladislav Tkachiev. Ol' Vlad-face showed up to a big match in India so drunk he fell asleep after only 11 moves (11 moves and he hadn't won? What kind of grandmaster is this?) So sloshed was the Frenchman that the officials couldn't wake him and defaulted the win to India's player Praveen Kumar.

My favorite detail of the story is that the actual technicality that Tkachiev was nailed with was not completing his move in the allotted hour and a half. Jesus. Does that mean they had to try and wake him for 90 minutes before they could officially call it? Did Kumar and the audience have to just sit there all that time while this guy drooled all over his rooks?

I certainly hope so. It amuses me. Is it Thursday yet?

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When Is a Bell Not a Bell?

- The clapper's the easy part. The victories are gonna be tough. -

Cole

It's been that kind of 24 hours.

I walk in the door after 8 hours of travel on Labor Day and find out we don't have any hot water in the house, and haven't for a few days now. Terrific. I call maintenance right away and they don't send anyone until this morning -- half an hour before my alarm is supposed to go off.

"Try the hot water in about half an hour," he says. Great.

So while I'm waiting to take a shower I check to see exactly how badly Tulane lost Friday. It turns out they lost by 24, making me look brilliant (or, more to the point, mercifully not making me look like a blithering idiot). That's embarrassing enough, but then I saw the highlight video.

So the Superdome was mostly empty. Not much I can do about that. But I can (I think) help with that victory bell thing. I knew where that clapper was when I was at Tulane, and I know I can find it now. Stay tuned for some investigative reporting, SSFA! style.

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Another Pats "Retirement"

-Come with me if you want to win-

RWPilk

More breaking news from the New England Patriots defense: Richard Seymour is packing his bags and heading to Oakland. Poor bastard. Head coach and humanitarian Bill Belichick has ended the career of yet another key defensive player by shipping him to the Raiders for some draft pick in 2011. 2011? Jesus, Bill. Thinking ahead is one thing, it's another to think you're going to draft a hovering, cyborg car beef up your blitzes.

It was just last week that everyone was up in arms about the Bruschi "retirement". Citing how Belichick was all weepy during the final press conference, how Bruschi may have been "thinking" of quitting anyway, that the Pats organization was one big Hallmark card, shying away from any theories that Tedy was actually strong-armed into packing up his blue and red undies. The breaking news Sunday points to a different trend. Belichick is almost certainly spearheading an overhaul of a New England defense that has been struggling the last few years. SI's Fantasy Football Special ranked them 12th (well before the Bruschi/Seymour loses), citing the fact that Belichick will employ some kind of "defensive wizardry," but noncomittedly admitted any small shove from a respectable team sends the whole system sprawling on its back like a small turtle you've flipped over and considered for an ashtray. It looks like the changes will be big, and drafting a whole NE defense scrambling to find their rhythm with a new system seems silly and counter productive.

Some of you sports blog surfers have speculated that Belichick is changing the defense from a 3-4 to a 4-3. If you're wondering what that sound is, it's the noise of crickets.... I have no idea what 3-4 or 4-3 means. Whatever. No one can blame any of the NE staff looking to make some improvements to their D-Fence, but for anyone still trying to argue that Belichick is harboring the rest of the region's sentimental inclinations to franchise players, the proof is in the pudding.

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Green Wave, We Hardly Knew Ye

- Chasing the Tigers in an empty stadium. What else is new? -

Cole

The Tulane Green Wave 2009 football campaign ends tonight around 11:00 pm Eastern, as the Green Wave finish their opening game against the Tulsa Golden Hurricane. An already sparse audience, dwarfed by the massive Louisiana Superdome, and a national television audience provided by ESPN will be on hand to witness the season's conclusion.

It's not just that Tulane is a two-touchdown underdog at home, though that does help. Anyone familiar with Tulane's performance over the past six years or so knows the truth: this is a doomed squad. Look at last year's eight-game losing streak. Look at the myriad of special teams miscues -- blocked punts, missed field goals, touchdowns allowed on kick returns -- that dogged the team all season. Look at the collection of NFL-grade talent that has donned the olive and blue (JP Losman, Mewelde Moore, and Matt Forte as the most prominent examples) since the Green Wave's last bowl game in 2002.

You'd be hard pressed to find the best symbol for Tulane's nearly decade-long stretch of futility. Is it Lester Ricard, the LSU transfer so excited to play against his old squad in Tiger Stadium, who fumbled the first snap from scrimmage when the "rivalry" was renewed in 2007? Is it the 2006 home opener, the first Tulane game in city limits since Hurricane Katrina, where Tulane fell flat early en route to a 33-28 loss to SMU? Maybe it's the 2003 homecoming game against Houston, organized by MTV and featuring OutKast, played in a depressing drizzle at a half-filled Tad Gormley Stadium (capacity: 30,000). Even OutKast was disappointing, as only one of the two members showed up and he played "Hey Ya" twice so the cameras could get a good take.

But maybe the best symbol is former head coach Chris Scelfo. As Cajun as a crawfish pie, Scelfo enjoyed limited success in assistant coaching stops at Georgia and Marshall before his hiring. Named the head coach at the end of Tulane's only undefeated season, Scelfo's record barely scratched the surface of the miserable luck he endured. I'd like to think it was his lovable aw-shucks demeanor and perennial quotability that allowed him to keep his job until the end of the 2006 season; in reality, it may well have been departmental fatalism. Either way, how can you hate a guy that toured the South with a vagabond collection of college football players in 2005, continuing to play and "carry the torch" for a drowned school, record be damned? Or who punted on third down in a game because he couldn't stand watching the offense go backwards any more? Or who said about his offense, "We pissed down our leg for 60 minutes"?

Fairly or not for some who endured what he did, Scelfo was let go after the 2006 season. Even in his final press conference as Tulane head coach, Scelfo kept his sense of humor: asked what was next, he replied, "I'm gonna go home, take a nap, pick the kids up from school..."

But back to the present day. Maybe Tulane will hold their own against Tulsa tonight, and it is physically possible that they could win. But with nowhere near the resources of the LSUs and USCs and Michigans of the world, what's a small-budget program to do to escape from this death spiral of losses and apathy?

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Post-Draft Hangover

-What do you mean I'm in the wrong building!?-

And so the mighty draft came to pass... and it was good? We won't really know until we start putting some numbers on the board, but as the disciples of sports fandom and people who watch Lost know, it's fun to speculate! Will Brandon Marshall get his ducks in a row in time for RWPilk to benefit? What will Cole do if Michael Vick gobbles up some of McNabb's QB pie? Are there polar bears involved? We go live to the draft machines themselves for some answers... And be sure to visit our poll on our right hand side bar and let us know what you think.

Cole
Draft Pick Position: 3rd
First Round Pick: Matt Forte (RB)

I think a lot of people feel like they improved their drafts over last week's, which is good, but clearly everyone can't have improved. Either way, no one is more excited than I am that we got to redo that draft from last week, because this might be the best draft I've ever had.

Look at it! Look at that sweet, sweet RB action. One of the top four players overall in Forte, another first-round talent in Chris Johnson (and his handcuff/touchdown vulture, LenDale White), Ray Rice in the seventh round, Felix Jones in the eighth, Reggie Bush in the ninth?! Come on. And then there's my receivers: Calvin Johnson is a top five receiver and I snagged him in the third round. Dwayne Bowe is a top 10 receiver in some publications and I got him in the fourth. What's that? Cassel's hurt and Bowe's production might suffer? Oh, well then let me throw in mid-round talent Jerricho Cotchery, whom I got in the 11th round, or 14th-round "flyer" Nate Washington. And my tight end? Greg Olson, who lasted until the 10th round, the 11th TE picked in the league. Everyone I read has him as a top-five talent at the position.

And yeah, McNabb is an injury risk, but so is everyone in fantasy football. And for once, McNabb has the weapons to be truly dangerous (assuming he stays upright). With young guns like DeSean Jackson, LeSean McCoy, and Jeremy Maclin, Andy Reid finally has more options than "Brian Westbrook and pray".

Usually, in a 12-team draft, you'd expect to get around eight or nine of the top 100 players. I picked up 11 according to CBS Sportsline, and three of their top 15.

RWPilk
Draft Pick Position: 4th
First Round Pick: Drew Brees (QB)

The draft is finished and I'm glad. I was beginning to forget why we started this site to begin with. As you all know, we had a bit of misfire last week with out draft when the draft got voided. I was pleased with that draft. I'm as pleased with this one. I had my eye on Housh and Favre (for a back-up QB this time, he's a nice middle finger to all the football fans in my league) but didn't get them. Still, Brees was high on the list of must haves according to our draft listings, so I snatched him up. I also got T.O. and Brandon Marshall, two bad boy rebels with a problem with authority, but possessing raw talent. So, I rolled the dice. I hope they get their stuff together for some hard-playing, and drive me into some victories wearing their leather jackets on their Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

What do I think of the competition? Well, to prove myself right, I ONLY have to beat Cole. And what do I see? A list of nobodies. How many of your players have reality shows, Colebag? How many are suspended? How many defenses of yours have soft schedules? How many? That's right. Bagel. Cole's first pick is some guy named Forte. I went to elementary school with a guy named Forte. He was twice our size and we threw erasers at him. I'm about as intimidated. Bring it.

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