Week 8 Preview: How Ya Doin?

-You predictable bastard.-

The boys are lazy and busy prepping for the house Halloween party, but that's no reason to deprive you of a Week 8 preview. Continuing the theme of coercing roommates into writing, SSFA! presents roomate #4 (and current Seinfeld League points leader) Gi to the fray to discuss her upcoming matchup with Cole. Take it away!

Gi

Current Standing: 5-2, 1st overall

What do men know about the finer things in life? I can guarantee you Cole and Pilks spend a lot less time eating oysters than they do downing $2 PBRs. And yelling at cats? That's my cat you jerks! And she's just...special! We should embrace our differences!...

Alright, she can be a little obnoxious.

Anyway, I am the token female football fan in the merry little band that is our house. Both the gents are sucking at fantasy so far, so they asked me to go ahead and write the week 8 preview. Gladly!

Now first of all, I am playing Cole this weekend, and kids - he's in for a swift kick in the pants. I have taken over his spot as top of the league and there is no way he can have it back. CBS Sports is giving me 121 points over his 100, but we all know how reliable *that* is, so instead let's take a look at who we have playing:

Cashmere Sweater:
Peyton Manning (QB)
DeAngelo Williams (RB)
Ryan Grant (RB)
Mike Sims-Walker (WR)
DeSean Jackson (WR)
Tony Gonzalez (TE) (ATL)
Steve Smith (Flex) (CAR)
David Akers (K)
Chargers (Def)

Flabby-Armed:
Donovan McNabb (QB)
Chris Johnson (RB)
Matt Forte (RB)
Calvin Johnson (WR)
Brian Hartline (WR)
Greg Olsen (TE)
Ray Rice (Flex)
Lawrence Tynes (K)
Saints (Def)

Now, I am an Eagles fan, don't get me wrong. Nothing makes me happier than watching McNabb take the field in all his glory... but let's face it, the man isn't getting any younger and he's injury prone. The Giants Defense ain't nothin' to sneeze at either. I think the Eagles have a good shot at this game, but I'm expecting short passes and long runs, so I'm not too worried about McNabb outscoring my boy Peyton, who is at the top of his career and skill level. Peyton, beautiful man that he is, had over 300 yards in each of his first 6 games, and on Sunday he'll be bring that formidable talent against the 49ers, whose defense we will politely call NOT formidable.

When all is said and done, our WR/RB/TE pretty much match up evenly so let's skip further down. Kickers don't count for much in Fantasy, but oh man do I love me some David Akers. He has been a solid 10 points for me every week but one this season, and I love to see him work for my Eagles. To be frank, I don't know who Tines is, but in my world no one is better than Akers so :oP (And yes, Cole has scolded me numerous times for being a fan of a kicker, but I know talent when I can see it).

Finally, let's check out our Defenses. The Chargers have been a solid D all season for me and this weekend they're playing the flabby armed spanking machine that is the Raiders offense so I'm feeling pretty confident to be honest. (We're going to ignore the freak show that was week 6 Raiders vs PHI). Cole has the Saints D, and while it's sweet that he's so loyal to his favorite team, they did give up 34 points last week and are playing a fairly solid Falcons this week so... I'm imagining a pretty wah wah score outta them.

Moving past that - games to watch this weekend. Of course I'm going to be keeping an eye on the Eagles/Giants game. Division rivals and decent teams both (when the Eagles bother to play well), I think this game has a lot of potential. Miami/Jets also has potential, especially since I'm from Jersey, and there we consider this a pretty good rivalry. I think I'll keep up with the Chargers/Raiders game as well because hey, everyone likes a good mauling.

And let's end on that note ladies and gentlemen, a mauling. Because that's what Cole has to look forward to this weekend, when the Cashmere Sweater (speaking of the finer things in life), shows him exactly how painful a spanking machine can be. Pause.

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Ye Olde NBA

-Paul: the cute one.-

Welcome, O Faithful Readers! You may not be aware of this, but aside from being fantasy football rivals, Cole and RWPilk like to enjoy the finer things in life. Shucking oysters. Reading the New Yorker. Or perhaps yelling at the various cats they've had to live with. Yes, it's all very sophisticated. But when such tasks are required, we must look to a new face to bring us news they may not be qualified (or interested enough) to present. We look to guest writers. Now, in a special SSFA! presentation, we welcome DennyP! to usher us into the Boston Celtics 2009 season in the NBA. Take it away, Denny...

DennyP!

CAN YOU HEAR IT?!?!?!?!

Ladies and gentlemen, the NBA and my beloved Celtics are back!

Now my fellow bloggers and I see eye to eye on many things, namely yelling at the various cats we've had to live with. But the NBA is not one of them! So for better or for worse, you are stuck with me to satisfy your basketball cravings which I hope does not come close to Brian Scalabrine's cravings for italian bread dipped in olive oil and pasta in a white wine cream sauce.

Now I'm only about 40 hrs late to give you a Celtics preview, but there have already been two games thusfar with an impressive 2-0 start. Seems kinda pointless to go over the offseason at this point in time, but so are the unfollowed rules in the NBA like the 'carry' and traveling...

Key Acquisitions:

• Rasheed Wallace - Signed as a free agent and saved from the sinking ship that is the Detroit Pistons. One of the best power forwards in the league when he actually tries, and I have no doubt KG will use him as a punching bag if he doesnt. Most impressive to me so far this season is how well Rasheed has fit in chemistry-wise the first two games.
• Marquis Daniels - Athletic swingman and good scorer who signed as a free agent. He started for the emerging (but still not good) Indiana Pacers last season, and is now Paul Pierce's backup. And he has dreadlocks, nice! Thought he played well against Cleveland.
• Shelden Willams - Big man to play defense and grab rebounds off the bench. Picture a PJ Brown that cant shoot, or a Miki Moore that can lift more than 10 lbs, or Scott Pollard if he was the least bit athletic, or...you get the idea.
• Lester Hudson - Rookie guard and 2nd round draft pick. His first name is Lester, dont expect much people.

Key Losses

• Leon Powe - [Moment of silence] So sad to see him go, he was a true Celtic, a great player and a great worker, so down-to-earth and a class act. So rare nowadays. Maybe thats why I'm writing this now and the NBA is not one of "the finer things in life". Hmmm
• Gabe Pruitt - Meh. I really liked him as a player but he wasnt used much for some reason. I usually trust the Celtics brass, we'll see whether he makes an impact elsewhere.
• Miki Moore...wait no!
• Stephon Marbury....NOO!!! If only he was as good at basketball as being in front of a webcam.

So in conclusion, I feel pretty good about this season! *Knock on wood* We have the same starting five that has arguably dominated the NBA the past two seasons, kept our important role players, and have a bench that includes 3 starters from last year (Rasheed, Daniels, and Big Baby when he returns in 6-8 weeks and im going to resist the urge to make an obvious pun) one of which is an All-Star. The bench is what I think the difference maker was in the win against Cleveland. Not many NBA stars can play 45 min per game anymore like in the 'Ye Olde NBA' so depth plays a huge role. I think the Celtics' bench is as big of a weapon as the NBA refs making sure you cover the point spread. Did I just say that...whoops!

At the start of the home opener, the light show thats albeit awesome but Red Auerbach might roll over in his grave if he saw it started with 'We Reloaded. Now Its Your Turn. Are You Ready?' I think the 2009-2010 Celtics has more weapons than the team that won Banner #17, and I am ready!

You stay classy Boston, I'm DennyP?

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There's only one George Lopez

- "Who wants ice cream after the game??" -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-2, 3rd Overall

Before we embark on the crapfest that's going to be my World Series prediction, I'm going to toot my own horn here (pause) and point out that I really did a good job in the AL playoff post. Only one game off for all three series! Just goes to show, every once in a while I know what I'm talking about.

But now I have to talk about the National League, and I have no desire to and no knowledge. I know, it's never stopped me before. But maybe I'm just bitter that the Yankees outbid the Red Sox in the eBay auction that is the offseason, winding up with the coveted item that is the American League pennant, bolstered by the free shipping that is the AL's All-Star Game-based home field advantage, not to mention the positive feedback of multiple individual awards.

(I can see the headline now: LOCAL ANALOGY TORTURED, MUTILATED BEFORE DEATH.)

All right, fine. In the interest of completeness, here's what I expect over the next seven games (if necessary).

• Someone will make a huge deal out of the fact the Phillies took two of three from the Yankees in May. Someone will be very, very wrong.
  
• Tim McCarver will make an ass of himself, and sabermetric-minded baseball fans will shed a single tear as they realize Fire Joe Morgan is down.
  
• Yankee fans will endlessly chant, "Who's Your Daddy?", when Pedro Martinez takes the mound for Game 2. No one will think to dress as Don Zimmer.
  
• Alex Rodriguez will be beloved by Yankee fans throughout the series for his play thus far in the playoffs, but will be back to the familiar scapegoat role if they lose, and probably hated again by March anyway. Nothing he does on the field will affect this.
  
• The Phillies will get screwed over by the whole "not-having-a-real-DH" thing at least once. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding changes in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• At least one game will be decided by a blown call. Media types everywhere will work themselves into a frenzy, demanding more instant replay in the offseason. There will be none.
  
• Said call will favor the Yankees. It just will. Accept it. The sun will rise in the east, the tide will ebb and flow, Palestinians and Israelis will hate each other, TBS will endlessly rerun the same terrible commercials for their crappy shows, Joe Buck will engender hatred, and the Yankees will get the breaks in the postseason. It's how the world works.
  
• An exorbitant number of home runs will be hit in Yankee Stadium. (Luis Castillo will be in position to catch one, and drop it.) At least one game will feature more than 20 runs.
  
• The Yankees will win 4-1, much to the disappointment of everyone outside the Tri-State area, especially those who wanted a competitive series. Meanwhile, some fourth-grader in Ossining will hand in an essay entitled, "Now I Can Die in Peace".

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Insert Cleat to Mouth

-Psst. You know I'm a public forum right?-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Well, it looks like my team will be going through even more changes than expected this week. Not only was it announced today that TE Chris Cooley is out for the season, but now RB Larry Johnson has been barred by the Chiefs from any further activity with the team. Why? Because he used Twitter to insult his coach, Todd Haley. That's it? Oh, and gays too. There you go.

A quick visit to Johnson's twitter page reveals that he does protect who can see his tweets, but c'mon, Larry. It takes a pretty big jackass to cook this up. This isn't some moment-of-anger outburst, you took the time to type this up. And what, none of your 2,313 followers are going to notice?

As a fantasy owner, I ain't exactly devastated. Larry Johnson has sucked pretty hard this year, with only one week breaking the double digit line. But it's just getting to the point where I need to fill positions. Westbrook, questionable. Cooley, out. Johnson, out. Wayne, questionable. W. T. F. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on the waiver wire. I hear there are some straws to grasp.

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Week 7 Recap: Tables Turning?

-Yeah, you! Let's get with the freakin' program, shall we?-

It only took half of the fantasy football season, but finally our two authors are locked in mortal combat with close records. Cole has thus far had the lion's share of wins, but after RWPilk's narrow victory this week, only one "w" separates them! How could this be? And why would anyone abbreviate a one syllable word with a three syllable initial? Before a sissy slapping session breaks out, let's go to them now for the gory, gory details!

Cole

Current Standing: 5-2, 4th Overall

Let's take a mystery player now. Said mystery player accumulated 34 rushing yards with a touchdown, and 115 receiving yards with a touchdown. That's a pretty good week, right? You'd pick up that receiver; he's clearly an integral part of his team's offense.

Well, rush to your waiver wires and see if JerReggieMatt Olson-BreastBowe is available. Because that was the output of SIX players for me this week. Six.

Needless to say, I lost, despite my opponent having a week so bad he's contemplating honor suicide. Fortunately for you, dear reader(s), I have no honor, so I will continue blogging.

But I'm not all brickbats and profanities this week. As it turns out, every other team in my division lost as well, so I still have a three-game league with seven weeks until the playoffs. And Chris Johnson and Ray Rice will be coming off byes, as is runner-up bust of the year Calvin Johnson. Between these three guys, I should be able to put up enough offense to at least have a respectable game against the league leader...right?

RWPilk

Current Standing: 4-3, 7th overall

Dear WR Miles Austin,

I know you won't be this good every week. But welcome aboard anyway and thanks for not making me look like a complete idiot. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear your predecessor, T.O., scoring less than 5 points.

Sincerely,
RWPilk

Phew. I won by a single point this week. And while I'm happy to now have a competitive, winning record against Cole, I'd be lying if my future looked bright. Last night in MNF, BOTH TE Cooley and Westbrook (surprise!) were hurt, as was WR Reggie Wayne. And I'm still in 7th overall; my division is tough. I'll also be on the waiver wire for some small potatoes players and forced to keep RBs Bradshaw and Johnson in (5 point total this week). Good God. If I wasn't hanging on for dear life to the few decent players I do have, I'd consider a trade. Instead, you may just find me in a Sunday afternoon fetal position in front of the TV, praying.

And I never pray.

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Week 7 Preview: Sweet Home Chicago

- Is it live, or is it that huge-ass Jumbotron? -

And we hit the halfway mark. Week 7. And as the season marches on and Cole and RWPilk's records grow more competitive, whose fantasy sports theory will prove supreme?! -thunder crashes- Eh, we won't know for a while, but we like to say things and scary voices. Let's go to these two knuckleheads now for the rundown.

Cole

Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I don't even want to talk about this upcoming week. After three solid games in a row, I'm being decimated by bye weeks. Chris Johnson and Ray Rice take a breather, and my running back options are now Matt "Khan" Forte, Reggie Bush, and Jamal Lewis. I will now slam my head in the oven door repeatedly. With the gas on. I blame this on the fact that I constantly bragged about how deep I was at running back earlier in the season.

Seven weeks out, my first few picks were a debacle. There's Khan, of course, my first rounder, who has less points than any first round pick ... except Darren McFadden. Chris Johnson was a solid second-rounder, but I followed him with Calvin Johnson, one pick before Reggie Wayne and two before Marques Colston. Granted, both players were on my team last year and tortured me constantly, but missing Wayne was a huge mistake. And then, in round five, needing a quarterback, I decided that Donovan McNabb would be a safer pick than Matt Schaub. Let's ignore the fact that Ben Roethlisberger, with twice the points of McNabb, was still on the board, and I flat-out dismissed him. No, let's talk about which quarterback has the most fantasy points through six weeks. Hint: he plays in Texas, and not in a Cowboys uniform.

I'm ashamed to admit it but I'm a terrible drafter. It's impossible to make accurate predictions of the future in any field. Look at the quotes of Bill Gates scoffing at the Internet or Dr. Seuss' boatloads of rejection letters. But let's not get all philosophical here. Let's talk football.

In 2006, the top three consensus picks were Reggie Bush, Vince Young, and Matt Leinart. When New Orleans "earned" the second pick, the debate in the Crescent City revolved around which quarterback would replace Aaron Brooks. When the Houston Texans introduced the world to Mario Williams, they were universally excoriated for the pick. How could they pass up the playmaking capability of Reggie Bush? How could they ignore the hometown hero, Vince Young?

Flash forward three years, with the caveat that all four players still have a lot of time to cement their legacy and so forth. Bush (who, it turns out, practically took a pay cut to join the NFL) is the third-down back, behind two undrafted free agents. And Young suffered a near-breakdown last year, leaving his coach so underwhelmed that he rides the bench for an 0-6 game. Even when down 52 points. Don't forget Matt Leinart, who's started a grand sum total of 16 games in three plus years, currently holding a clipboard behind a 40-year-old full of question marks. And Williams? He's only coming off his first Pro Bowl appearance and second straight season with 12 or more sacks. So don't laugh too hard at Darius Heyward-Bey, because you never know.

Okay, yeah, I guess sometimes you do. Ha ha.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 3-3, tied for 7th overall

Another week of cautious optimism. Drew Brees and my Packers DST seem to be back into the swing of things. RB Brian “M*A*S*H Unit” Westbrook is still healthy and producing. RB Bradshaw is exceeding recent expectations. RB Larry Johnson had a half-way decent Week 6. Colts WR Reggie Wayne is back from his bye. And Neil Rackers is... still my kicker.

My dark horse this week is recent T.O. trade acquisition WR Miles Austin from Dallas. (That's funny, I once knew an Orlando from Miami). All eyes are on you, new guy. I'm a little concerned I have to rely on Tony Romo a little. Every time I glance at a Dallas game this guy looks like a deer in headlights. Or maybe it's just that big honkin' screen. Either way, get with the program, T-Bone.

I want more than a win this week though. I want Cole to lose. Bad. Look at'im. Scroll up and take a look at this smug 5-1 bastard. Somebody take him down. Somebody. Isn't McNabb due for another injury or something. C'mon.

Ah, I love the smell of HTML in the morning.

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Never Mind the Buccos

- Or, as he's known in England, Pat the Traitor from the Colonies -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

My knowledge of England is based on James Bond, Monty Python, and the occasional Premier League match on ESPN. So if I manage to insult the three London visitors Google Analytics reports, then appy polly loggies, O my brothers.

And further apologies are in order for sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond. I mean, you guys are supposed to be our friends, and I think the Geneva Convention bans the use of Bucs game footage in Guantanamo. It's going to be vile, I promise. I don't know what genius decided to send these guys as ambassadors for the sport; they haven't been a power in the league since at least 2005. Even if the Pats missed the playoffs last year, they're only one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance.

Man, actually, all these matchups have pretty disappointing, huh. Last year pitted the Saints (who finished 8-8) against the Chargers (who finished 8-8). The year before that, the Dolphins masqueraded as a professional football team, with some dude named Cleo Lemon as quarterback. They finished the season 1-15 and were so abysmal offensively that their next coach decided, "the hell with this," and reinvented the Wildcat. THAT would've been fun to watch. A game with 23 total points and less than 500 total yards of offense? Blimey.

The only quantum of solace I can find in this matchup is the fact that the Patriots will almost certainly beat the living daylights out of the Bucs. Bill Belichick is a worthy villain, with no sense of sportsmanship or decency, who won't think twice about humiliating Tampa Bay. Hanging 59 on the Titans? That's nothing. At least the Titans had some talent on paper; the Buccaneers are going to get steamrolled.

The last two games in Wembley Stadium were decided by less than a touchdown. Don't expect that this week, folks. Do expect big numbers for the Pats and, if I were you, I'd start demanding better teams for next year now. Read more...

Shut Out, But Not Shutting Down

-Sadly, this is the Titans' best QB option.-

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

I've been inspired by Pilk's beating of the Redskins' dead horse (pause?). Clearly, Jim Zorn = not a good coach. Let's talk about Manly Men, who Coach the Right Way and Know How To Play the Game. Let's talk about Jeff Fisher.

Yes, that Jeff Fisher. Sure, his team quit on him, and yes, his Titans gave up 1.5 points per minute to the Patriots in the first half*. And yeah, he's belittled and snubbed Vince Young so much** that Reggie Bush is sending him thank you cards for ensuring Bush wasn't the biggest bust in the 2006 draft. And sure, he even found a way to piss off the entire fan base by wearing a Peyton Manning jersey while introducing former Colts coach Tony Dungy, and then quipping, "I just wanted to feel like a winner."

Well then.

But Titans fans can take cold (very cold) comfort in the fact that Fisher doesn't kick worthless field goals. Fisher could've avoided the ignominy of all that "worst shutout since 1976" talk midway through the third quarter, when a 48-yard Chris Johnson run put the ball on the Pats' 17 yard line. But when the inevitable fourth down rolled around, did Rob Bironas get called onto the field? No way. Fisher challenged his offense to put points on the board the hard way, even though (by this point) his offense had established that tying their collective shoes might pose a challenge. And Fisher was still going for it on fourth down in the fourth quarter; it's not entirely his fault Javon Ringer fumbled after picking up the first down.

There are crappy coaches out there, sure. Take Steve Spagnuolo of the Rams: down three on the road, St. Louis reached the Jaguars' nine with 15 seconds to go and one time out left, only to kick a field goal (on third down!) to send the game into overtime. Steve, you know there's a good chance you won't even get the ball in the extra period. This is your best chance to avoid Rod Marinelli-level infamy: go for it! Make it more interesting for the 14 fans in attendance.

My point is that, even though Fisher will most likely be fired at the end of the season, don't expect him to spend a long time out of football. He knows his stuff, he's won before, and he knows better than to look this stupid.

_____________
*-Seriously. Wow. Just look at that number for a minute. The Patriots scored more points in the first half than every other NFL team scored in 60 minutes (Saints excepted). Who does that?!
**-I for one thought Vince Young should've started the second half under center, but when you finally do come in and your first throw is a pick, your second one could've easily been a pick, and you fumble a snap ... you don't do many favors for yourself. Read more...