Friday, August 28, 2009

Down in Front

-Things really are bigger and Texas. And dumber, too.-


After the disappointment of the voided draft, I was desperate for anything to brighten my spirits. Little did I know that I only need look to the Dallas Cowboys organization to bring a little good ole', deep fried stupid into my life.

Note to Texas: The expression "the length of a football field" should reserved for blue whales, the width of Rhode Island, and measuring how many jimmies Ben & Jerry's serves every hour, not things you actually put INSIDE a football stadium. As you can see from the above picture, the Dallas Cowboys have installed giant screens to better serve (i.e. melt the faces off) their patrons and provide all the necessary light for any NASA scientists performing eye surgery while in orbit.

So large are the new screens that they are interfering with punt kicking during practices and preseason games, forcing the NFL to consider if they need to impose changes on the $1.15 billion renovation. Let be said that it's probably every guy's dream to own a television so big it scares a committee of white collar businessmen to convene somewhere to decide if it should exist or not, but c'mon Dallas. Look at this freaking picture. Receivers shouldn't be losing the long ball in a massive, overhead ball of unrelenting, blinding light when they're playing INDOORS. A little restraint, people. Needless to say, it's probably good that special team plays aren't usually calculated in fantasy leagues, or Dallas kickers and receivers would be avoided like the plague.

Challenging this little story to get even dumber is ex-coach Jimmy Johnson, who thinks the screens are just dandy right where they are. "I think it's so cool." he's reported saying. Was it a spirited game of pigskin that ignited this gosh wow, gee wilikers response? No. It was a George Strait and Reba McEntire concert.

Thank you, Texas, for being yourself. Over and over again.


  1. Reminds me of that joke where the guy goes to Texas and is constantly being reminded how big everything in Texas is. Later, he gets drunk, falls into the pool and screams "Don't Flush!"

  2. Yeah. I know that one. Y'all don't mess with Texas. Especially when they're messing with game regulations.

    Where's our good friend North Texas Balls?

  3. Ok ur probably sum Yankee so I can see why everything u just said is completely retarded. It passes the NFL inspection so if u ask me there is nothing wrong with the screen. U can't tell me that u don't wish ur team had that in ur stadium. If a team hits it then the clock is set back and the down is replayed so it dosnt hurt or help anybody. Plus the cowboys arnt the only thing that plays in that stadium, like u said, concerts r played there so guess what that big screen does, sells tickets u ignorent s**t stain. It helps pay off the stadium. Everybody hate Jerry Jones for going over the top but that's why the cowboys are one of the richest teams in the league, because we know how to have fun, go bigger and better, and sell tickets. That screen makes the bad seats for a game or concert, good seats. It's bigger and better and everybody will pay money to go see it. Believe me I've been there twice and both times I was there I met people from all over the country and they said one of the reasons they came was to see the screen. Go smoke sum more herb u tree huggin fag.

  4. YEAH! Tree-hugging shit stain fag!


  5. It astounds me that this troglodyte has actually eradicated the word "you" from its written vocabulary. I though, "surely, just once, the actual word was employed." Nope. I did, however, appreciate the self-censorship: I appears that class isn't dead yet.

  6. Yee Haw. Y'all come back now real soon.

    I like that this post is getting most of its attention almost 4 months after I wrote it.