MNF Live Blog: Pats vs Saints

-A rolling Randy Moss gathers no... stones? We got nothing.-

Here we go again! Sit back and crack a cold one with some fantasy football greatness: you're at a Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! live blog! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Monday Night Football
New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
8:30pm on ESPN

Cole

Better late than never! While Pilk was off buying beer and complaining about Drew Brees, you missed 10 points. It's already 7-3 Patriots as two odd things happened: John Carney's field goal bounced off the upright and through, and Laurence Maroney looked like a real running back. Yikes.

RWPilk
For those of you who don't know, my fantasy football victory is riding on tonight. Go Brees! Oh, wait, come to think of it so is Cole's. Colebag who are you watching with bated breath tonight?

Cole
I dunno...the Saints' DST? I dunno, I already clinched. I'm playing for seeding. I beat you into the playoffs, Peyton Manning! Eat it with sauce.

RWPilk
Whooo hooo! And Brees gets the ball back. And better yet... pretty boy Brady gets dirt in his eye! Let the first of 50 TD throws begin! Right? 50? That's reasonable.

Cole
At the end of the first quarter. Ron Jaworski's talking about the way the Saints' offensive line "gets off". I mean, there's not a pause big enough in the Western Hemisphere for this. Oop, uplifting commercial of Brees throwing to Obama. You get points for that, right Pilk?

RWPilk
Oh, ha ha. Oooo and Mike Bell is down. That's not good. He's running back though right? Maybe they'll throw more... Are they in the red zone yet here? Let's go!

Cole
And now the Saints go for it on fourth down! Man, I love this new league-wide chutzpah. New Orleans rewarded with a Pierre Thomas touchdown off a screen pass. 10-7 with the extra point.

RWPilk
Oh, yeah. And that gives the Sweet Fancy Moses a momentary lead. I'd link to Our Teams page, however, I'm lazy. It's right over there on our right sidebar. I like the jazz as we transition to commercial. Oh, to the NO-based new Disney movie, too. Is there Popeye's commercial coming up?

Cole
Oh man. Don't tempt me. We should've got Raisin' Cane's for some high-quality New Orleans chicken. I -- wait, did Gruden just say "who dat"?

RWPilk
Cole, you were in NO once. Enlighten us. What is WHODAT? Some kinda battle cry?

Cole
I may have been there but I certainly wasn't sober. Some kind of chant: "Who dat! Who dat! Who dat say they gonna beat them Saints!"

...it sounds better if you're drinking heavily, the standard rule of thumb for enjoying New Orleans.

RWPilk
Ah, and that's another one for Brees. All the criticism for the Saints for this game is that they haven't really played anyone that talented yet. I get the feeling that after tonight is over that won't have changed. Bam.

Cole
Even the girlfriend (surprise surprise, right?) is annoyed at the broadcasters. "Stop jerking off to Tom Brady over here." Costly penalty right after the announcers say, "Oh look, no penalty flags." And now they're talking about how Randy Moss has no catches. Guess what that means.

RWPilk
This game is flying by... it's almost half time. Do you think Belichick yells? I wonder what the this halftime locker room will be like. Maybe it'll just be a "it is what it is" kinda deal.

Cole
Oh no. Did you see the protege Kenny Bania Josh McDaniel chew out the Broncos? Trust me. Dude yells.

RWPilk
Another TD for Brees. That makes it NE 10 NO 24. I'm really low on points for my Wild Card race, so let's rack it up here. I want more TDs! I'm actually a little surprised. Pats are a "second half" team, but c'mon. Somebody do something. If NO starts pulling starters, I'll be pissed.

Cole
There is way too much offense in this game for someone who uses the Saints' defense. But Pilk, trust me. There is no such thing as a sure thing with the Saints. Go look up the River City Relay.

RWPilk
I don't have time to look up stuff here. Wow, missed field goal for Stanley Kowalski, or whatever the hell his name is. ...And that's halftime. Tell'em how it is, Berman.

Cole
Saints 24, Patriots 10 at the half. For your continued amusement -- so you don't have to pay attention to Chris Berman -- we have a special guest. Give a warm SSFA! welcome to Den Santa Claus!

SantaC!
HO HO HO

Alright boys and girls, what would you like for Christmas? The Saints defense continuing to somehow shutdown teams and score TDs? Peyton Manning and the Colts to stay as lucky as if he has a horseshoe up his...wait a minute hmmm...? Detroit Lions to win a game or Big Ben to get his yearly concussion? Those gifts came early this year! Ah well Santa is outta time and has to get back to the North Pole and tell Buddy the Elf what my favorite color is.

RWPilk
Well, that was... bizarre. But, we did promise special guests. Oh yes, we look forward to more Celtics post from everybody's favorite guest-blogger, DennyP! I wish I was cool enough to have punctuation at the end of my handle. Now let's go to Cole for this burning question: where's Randy Moss?

Cole
There he is: a coupla yards and an immediate drop/recovery. Please stop mentioning him - maybe he'll continue not doing things. As a Saints fan, I'm a little nervous to see how they're going to screw this up. That challenge was not a good start. They're going to need that time out.

RWPilk
I'm watching Maroney, he's on my opposing team tonight. Screw him. Oh, and there's a long one to Moss. I should have just waited a second. What's going on, Saints DST?

Cole
Maroney punches it in from the two (his second of the night) and the extra point makes it Saints 24, Patriots 17. I'ma need my Tums before this is all said and done. That or a coupla drinks. Maybe both.

RWPilk
May I suggest a Vesper? -hums Bond theme- Anyway, Saints back at with the ball. And a big throw to Colston... get in the end zone, you bum! And there it is to Dinkins. Bam. After the point, that'll make it NO 31 NE 17.

Cole
We don't even have time to make funny comments, just keep up with the points scored. It's like liveblogging a basketball game.

RWPilk
You're right. Let's see what the Pats will do here. God love'em, they're making first downs. And in the red zone. Whoa... was that a Michael Jackson mask in the crowd. I'm not sure. It had a nose.

Cole
Looks like the Pats are going for it on fourth down again. Guys, I will insist from now until the end of time going for it was the right call. Time out Pats, and that's not as good a call.

RWPilk
And back it goes to the Saints. In retrospect, a field goal may have helped a little there, Bill. Damn. I can just see the headlines tomorrow. Mark my words, there will be a photoshopped headline photo with Belichick with a dunce cap. The Globe should call me. I have several just sittin' around.

Cole
That's really more of a Herald article, honestly. Maybe "Bungling Bill", or is the Beatles reference too obscure?

Meanwhile, the challenge for the Saints is to burn some clock. Even with the sack there, the Saints are moving the ball at will both through the air and on the ground. We're just now at the end of the third quarter, and the score is 31-17 Saints.

RWPilk
And the ball goes back to Pats. Time is getting critical and the Pats need multiple scores to get back in this. Long throw to... Aiken? Who the hell is that? Third and 9. Awesome.

Cole
Charles Grant barely misses a sack, and the Pats are forced into a fourth and five. Surprisingly, the Pats punt, and New Orleans has the ball with 13 minutes left in regulation.

RWPilk
Wow all the way to the 4th quarter for a Katrina reference. BTW I've successfully blocked out these commentators tonight. I've missed every awkward quote, every gaff. In a way. I'm a little sad about it. I miss it. Another first down for the Saints. WHODAT!? It was Brees.

Cole
I don't -- that's not -- you -- sigh.

Moving on. 10:30 left, and the score is still 31-17 Saints. The commentators are bored -- they're talking about Katrina and how great the Saints' GM is. But there's still worlds of time here, guys. Don't leave yet. It is the Saints we're talking about.

RWPilk
What? I was comfortable with the idea that all of NO just had really bad eyesight. I ain't changin'.

Correction: it's now 38-17 Saints. The NE sideline looks a little bewildered right now. My score is looking sweeeeeeeeeeet though. Highest score of the week? I thinks so.

Cole
Halfway through the fourth now and the Pats are scrambling. Brady launches a prayer to ... no one really ... and Darren Sharper picks it off. Good times for those playing the Saints' D. Only 30 yards shy of their ninth DTD.

RWPilk
I need just ONE more point to get the highest score of the week. And that's a missed field goal for the NO kicker. And he looks pissed. Don't take it to heart, buddy. The team will survive.

Cole
We have a BenJarvus Green-Ellis sighting, AND a Brian Hoyer sighting. Any time the Law Firm comes in, I think Mr. Belichick is conceding one. It's punted away, and there's four minutes left for the Pats to score another 21. Pats apparently have been outscored 47-10 after halftime in their road losses. This is not a championship team, to rip off Jon Gruden.

RWPilk
Commentators saying Brees is STILL in. He better stay in. I need mad points, yo. And it's the two minute warning. Cole, what can the Pats do to turn this around? Keep in mind, finding a magical lamp does not count.

Cole
This year? Not much. The Pats are going to need some defensive help -- Jerod Mayo can't do it alone -- and a power running back, to make defenses back off the pass a bit.

Well, the broadcasters just referenced MC Hammer. I think that's a sure sign the game is over. Final score is Saints 38, Patriots 17 as the Saints improve to 11-0. Good night folks.

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This Monday: MNF Live Blog!

-Our prediction? Pain. And jambalaya.-

Yes, it's that time of year again! It's time for another installment of SSFA! Live Blogging! This week: Patriots and Saints Monday Night Football! Awesome. Join Cole and RWPilk as they blog it out whilst these two teams engage in what is sure to be one of the best MNF matchups of the year. Who knows what'll happen or who will join us! Maybe Santa! Would like that, kids? Would you like it if Santa live blogged with Cole and RWPilk? Leave out some PBR and cookies and we'll talk.

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints
Monday, November 30th, 2009
ESPN at 8:30pm

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Bill Belichick Is Still Smarter Than You

- Guess he does have a drinking problem. And don't call me Shirley. -

Cole
Current Standing: 8-2, 1st Overall

I know it's bad for me.

I have a family history of high blood pressure, and I should try to reduce stress whenever possible. So when you get right down to it, I shouldn't let little things like this bother me.

But there's only so much willful stupidity a guy should have to take. When I see the same talking heads who have defended Bill Belichick through thick and slightly-less-thick start calling for his head as if their brains were Etch-a-Sketches, my eye starts twitching again. Look, I know about the 24-hour news cycle, and I know that I'm part of the problem as a blogger, but let's look at the facts here.

You like numbers? Let's start with some numbers. Advanced NFL Stats calculated that, yes, actually, going for it on fourth down was the greatest way to increase the Pats' win probability. Now, you may say there are some problems with this analysis. That's okay, there's a followup that answers a lot of the common complaints.

All right, so win probability makes your head hurt. Fine. Well, how about this: to that point in the game, the Pats had gained 475 yards for an average of six yards per play. Six. And add in the fact that the Colts scored two touchdowns on 79-yard drives in a grand total of 11 plays. Time of possession on both drives? About two minutes.

This isn't about "disrespecting the defense" or any of that hindpsychology bullcrap. Your defense is tired, and so is theirs. Your offense is the strength of your team, and so is theirs. The only advantage you have -- besides the lead -- is the fact that you have the ball. Why willingly surrender that advantage, when the league average on fourth down conversions is around 60 percent? Besides, your defense still has the opportunity to stop the Colts if you fail anyway.

Having said that, there are at least two or three calls on that drive that seem questionable. Why are the Patriots burning a timeout after a kickoff, and again after the third-down incompletion? For that matter, why are the Pats throwing on third down anyway? An incompletion stops the clock, and it's right before the two-minute warning. Don't give them the extra timeout! If you run the ball on third down, you kill more time. If you're not worried about the two-minute warning, what about this: if a third-down run gives you a fourth and short, you hustle to the line and have Brady fall forward on a sneak as soon as the referee sets the ball down. It's almost impossible to defend against.

Belichick isn't going to be shell-shocked by this. He won't suddenly lose the ability to make late-game decisions, and he won't develop some sort of drinking problem. Surely. His consolation should come from the fact that, the more level-headed and thought out the reaction, the more likely it is that the reaction supports his decision.

If that's not enough, well, there's always the Jets to take it out on. Read more...

Never Mind the Buccos

- Or, as he's known in England, Pat the Traitor from the Colonies -

Cole
Current Standing: 5-1, 1st Overall

My knowledge of England is based on James Bond, Monty Python, and the occasional Premier League match on ESPN. So if I manage to insult the three London visitors Google Analytics reports, then appy polly loggies, O my brothers.

And further apologies are in order for sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers across the pond. I mean, you guys are supposed to be our friends, and I think the Geneva Convention bans the use of Bucs game footage in Guantanamo. It's going to be vile, I promise. I don't know what genius decided to send these guys as ambassadors for the sport; they haven't been a power in the league since at least 2005. Even if the Pats missed the playoffs last year, they're only one season removed from a Super Bowl appearance.

Man, actually, all these matchups have pretty disappointing, huh. Last year pitted the Saints (who finished 8-8) against the Chargers (who finished 8-8). The year before that, the Dolphins masqueraded as a professional football team, with some dude named Cleo Lemon as quarterback. They finished the season 1-15 and were so abysmal offensively that their next coach decided, "the hell with this," and reinvented the Wildcat. THAT would've been fun to watch. A game with 23 total points and less than 500 total yards of offense? Blimey.

The only quantum of solace I can find in this matchup is the fact that the Patriots will almost certainly beat the living daylights out of the Bucs. Bill Belichick is a worthy villain, with no sense of sportsmanship or decency, who won't think twice about humiliating Tampa Bay. Hanging 59 on the Titans? That's nothing. At least the Titans had some talent on paper; the Buccaneers are going to get steamrolled.

The last two games in Wembley Stadium were decided by less than a touchdown. Don't expect that this week, folks. Do expect big numbers for the Pats and, if I were you, I'd start demanding better teams for next year now. Read more...

Well, is he or isn't he?!

-This is not the Patriot you're looking for...-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-2, 8th overall

Quick shout out to the NE Patriots this afternoon. Hey, Pats! How are you? Grab a beer, hang out. You wanna throw in for a pizza? Whaddaya mean you just ate? You knew you were coming over! Well, what am I gonna eat? Ah, screw it. You see, my years of wrought animosity towards you has been softened by your average performance this year. I even, God help me, have stopped myself from coming to your defense in a New England sports media storm that thinks a 2-1 record is reason hole up in some kind of sports fan bomb shelter. Take it easy people. It's Week 3.

Still, that doesn't mean it's not business as usual in Belichickville. I've already pointed out Bill's cloak-and-dagger policy concerning his DL, and just this last Sunday cornerback Wilhite mysteriously rode the pine. Apparently there was some kind of intruder disturbance at Wilhite's home Sunday morning. That's scary, I ain't messin' with that. But watching everyone in the Belichick regime trying to get their story straight is fun. Let's watch!

First of all, Wilhite was spotted warming up with other members of the team Sunday. So, whatever happened Sunday morning... Wilhite suited up and showed up. Cut to after the game: in his press conference, Belichick stated that Wilhite "was injured" Sunday morning. When? At home? After he suited up to play? When grilled, Wilhite's agent also stated: "The injury is nothing serious... It's a police matter. The kid is fine." I don't think statements that include "injury" and "police matter" theoretically should end with a smile, a thumbs up, and a "s'all good!" But that's just me.

It sounds like a private matter and that's perfectly legitimate and fine. I even give props to Wilhite for showing up. God knows if I was attacked by a team of elite ninjas in my home while I'm making coffee one morning (which I'm assuming is what happened), I ain't going to work. Just, why all the smoke and mirrors? Will a public statement of support and need for privacy really give opponents a look inside the this impenetrable 2009 fortress of... field goals? By confusing the press, you just attract more attention. Perhaps the Pats D should adopt this organization's policy with the press. No one would talk to each other, but at least every opposing team would be shut out.

Read more...

Week 2 Recap: Points = Critical

-No! "End zone" is a major detail!-

And there goes Week 2! As Cole and RWPilk wave goodbye and tally more scores, the battle for fantasy sports theory rumbles on! It's still early, but already ugly. Let's go to our two gladiators now and assess the irreversible emotional damage. Also check out our brand spankin' new poll, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

I don't know what I did to Frank Gore, but I would like to apologize to him here and now. I've always believed in your abilities, Mr. Gore, sir. I for one never thought that Glen "Cuppa" Coffee was the answer to the 49ers' offensive woes (true answer: a quarterback); it's not like I didn't draft you on purpose. So why did you have to have your career week when you were starting for both of my opponents? 200+ yards and two scores? Great. At least YOU still like me, Chris Johnson. I owe you one.

What else have we learned here in week two? In order to maximize Rob's ire, I will present this as a bulleted list (he HATES those):

• The Jets' defense is very, very good.
  
• The Patriots' offensive line is very, very bad.
  
• Joseph Addai : 2008 :: Matt Forte : 2009 (but I really hope not)
  
• The Saints' defense can actually get you fantasy points with a good matchup, even though they can't actually stop people from scoring.
  
• The Seahawks remain terrible at all things football-related.
  
• Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb -- well, they are who we thought they were: namely, injury prone. Oh well. Newly-acquired backup Trent Edwards has games against the aforementioned Saints and Dolphins the next two week, and I'm praying that's a good thing. And that McNabb will be back after the Eagles' bye in week four. I don't want to have to pick up Matthew Stafford or something.
  

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

A memo to everyone on my team not named "Brees": The end zone is that way.

God smite you all, you bunch of bums! Looking down my roster I see a bunch of very capable players who failed to put up double digits in Week 2. Cooley. Marshall. Oh, and thank you Westbrook for proving everyone right for one more year and having the physical resilience of a dandelion. Make a wish! Mine is that you somehow reach "probable" by Thursday. The only reason my team was able to tip-toe into the vicinity of decent is because Brees pitched a few doozies. My only hope for a victory tonight rests with Colts WR Reggie Wayne. Oh, and who's my opposing QB? Isn't there some commercial you could be shooting somewhere else, Peyton?

The only bright spot is that I wasn't the only one who had trouble finding the end zone this week. First TD-less game since 2006, Bill. Perhaps your new defensive "swiss cheese" and "old driftwood" formations still need a little work.

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Week 2 Preview: Hold the Mayo!

-No! Don't leave me!-

The war over fantasy sports theory rages on as Cole and RWPilk dive head-first and nose-plugged into the icy waters of Week 2. Let's go to them now and see who can talk the most trash about this week's match-ups! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Another weekend already upon us? Times flies when you're kicking ass. Nah, it's too early to tell, but it's hard not to feel a little comfortable considering my team's performance last week. Drew Brees won't be playing the Lions again, and will score less than 48 points, I guess. I played with Peyton Manning's notorious "cooled off" year last season though. As long as Brees is in the black by halftime, it's a luxury for me. So, I'm marching into battle with the same roster as last week. Just based on numbers, I considered subbing RB Johnson for RB Ahmed Bradshaw, but Johnson is facing the Raiders D this week. Ka-Ching!

As for actual viewership, not sure what game I might catch. I'll look forward to Colts vs Dolphins Monday night, there are two quarterbacks I like rooting for (Go, Pennington!). I'm wondering about the grass roots movement that's being spearheaded by coach Rex Ryan in New York for the Pats game. Dialing for Disses. I like it. I ain't convinced though, say what you want about the Bills last week, the Jets ALWAYS seem to blow close games with the Pats on stupid mistakes (in recent years anyway). Still, it's hard not to put your confidence in a guy named Rex.

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Rob tells me I write better when I'm angry, so OH MAN YOU GUYS AM I FRIGGIN' PISSED. I'm so angry I could bite the head off a marmoset, as soon as I figure out what the hell one is.

Ah, screw it. I can't keep this up. Look, am I happy only beat Rob's mom by five points in Week 1? No. Am I happy I'm playing the guy with the highest point total from last week? No. Am I happy Donovan McNabb is going to miss the opportunity to put up huge points against a porous Saints defense? No. Come back soon, Donnie Mac. I have faith in you. Not sure why, exactly, but hey, there you go.



What's that? Oh. Right. Football. Fine.

While my fantasy team is underperforming, at least I have some better games this week. The Patriots haven't lost in the Meadowlands since 2000, but that defense looked impressive against a stacked (no, really) Houston offense. Belichick is renowned for making rookie quarterbacks cry, but now he'll be without middle linebacker Jerod Mayo for two months. Tough matchup.

And Rob's probably boasting about the huge game he stumbled across last week. Whatever. How do you think he knew Larry Johnson was playing the Raiders this week? Come on. Dude doesn't know the Oakland Raiders from Oakland Beach. Hell, dude can't even find the real Chad Ochocinco on Twitter (hint: the one with all the followers). Enjoy it while it lasts, my inebriated friend.

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Week 1 Recap: And Off We Go!

-Step 1: Hold on to the ball. Step 2: Don't ruin everything.-

And what a week it was, folks. Cracked ribs! Throwback jerseys! Comically desperate, final-second laterals! The Lions! Oh, the memories. The SSFA! duel of fantasy sports theory is finally on as Cole and RWPilk make their first etchings into their records. Let's inflate their sense of purpose and go to them now for some thoughts on Week 1! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary. Go ahead, I'll wait.

::whistles::

Back yet? Did you happen to see my fantasy roster listed as an example? No? Because you didn't really look, I'm sure, but trust me, it's in there.

How disappointed can I be after week one? Oh, plenty. My powerhouse running back tandem of Matt Forte and Chris Johnson, known the fantasy world over as top-ten talent, posted a combined 10 points. Greg Olsen, a top-five TE in some publications, earned me as many points as Alex Smith, who came as close to seeing the field as I did. Kris Brown -- I mean, I don't know what the hell I was thinking there, but Houston getting just seven points? Come on. And the Dolphins' DST (admittedly a reach on the best of days) was bad enough that I'm seriously looking at acquiring the Saints' defense. I will now wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Oh, and I almost forgot about McNabb. Hey, terrific. Thanks for the 21 points and the memories; at least you're already light years ahead of the QB I drafted last year: Matt Hasselback. Friggin' awesome.

Just once I'd like to have a good draft chased by some solid weeks and not have to go scrambling to the waiver wire every damn Tuesday morning. You know the scenes in Edward Scissorhands where Johnny Depp's cutting things? Just a whirlwind of activity and a blur of leaves/hair/fur/ice? That's what my fantasy roster's going to look like over the coming weeks.

I love this game.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Ahhh. Let's start off with some prerequisite smack talking: Even though he was able to squeak by with a win, Mr. "No one knows how to draft but me" Cole landed the third lowest score in the league in Week 1. Hear that squeaking noise? That's one point for my fantasy sports theory going up on the dry erase board. Count it. But don't feel bad, once Cole gets a win he'll shoot it right back at me. How long does it take for cracked ribs to heal?

What is there to say about my team's performance? You sports people were right about Drew Brees: he scored just less than 50 pts this week. Still, all the saintly pictures of him floating around are a little much aren't they? C'mon. He played the Lions. Unless the rest of the Saints' schedule is filled with Girl Scout Troops and collections of small mice, I think we can calm down a little. Still, I'm excited about him.

I was hoping for a better performance from the Green Bay defense, given all the hype, but they put up decent numbers nonetheless. Westbrook was great, but as predicted by CBS analytics, RB Larry Johnson was shut down and T.O. gained a measly 4 pts despite his endorsement from VH1. Still it's hard to get mad at T.O. when it was Leodis McKelvin who fumbled for Buffalo and let the Pats win. C'mon! You let them off the hook! They were who you thought they were! Despite those cream colored helmets.

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Week 1: Coming Attractions!

-No! You'll suck more!-

Finally. The 2009 NFL season is here. And no two guys are probably more excited than Cole and RWPilk. They watched the Titans and Steelers duke it out with bated breath (and a Jay Leno ad overdose) Thursday, a now, in turn, cast their astigmatism stricken/ blurry eyes to Week 1! Who do they like?! What do they hate?! What could they take or leave?! Let's go to them now... And don't forget about our DRAFT POLL, ready immediately to your right!

Cole

Fantasy-wise, I'm ready for this season (and the requisite trash-talking) to start in earnest, but for this week at least I'm in a strange position. In one league, I have Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones, and in the other, I'm going up against ... Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones. C'est la vie, I guess.

Good game last night though: no one is happier than Hines Ward that the Pittsburgh Steelers recovered from that fumble and defeated the Tennessee Titans. He should also be happy that the NFL has those crappy overtime rules. Call it silly, but I like the "Texas-style" college overtime system: each offense gets the ball on the opponents' 25 yard line (say the 50 in the NFL, so you can't just kick field goals every time), and repeat until there's a difference in scores. I love this idea, partly because it's mine but mostly because, hey, who doesn't like offense?

Meanwhile, I'd love to see the Falcons-Dolphins game this week. These are two teams that comically exceeded expectations last year thanks in part to a soft schedule; with a tougher schedule and a year to prepare, which team will regress? (Personally, I'd guess the Dolphins: I have more faith in Matty Ice than the continued success of Chad Pennington and the Wildcat wrinkle.) But, since the landlord says no DirecTV, I don't have the NFL Sunday Ticket package, and I'm stuck with Jets/Texans, Redskins/Giants, and ... Vikings/Browns?! Oh for -- man, those are all gonna suck. You know what I'm looking forward to? The game breaks. Well, at least Chicago-Green Bay will be fun to watch: I'm very curious to see Jay Cutler's Bears debut.

RWPilk

Well, hello there National Football League. How are you? I've seen you around. You're like that guy you always see at parties or get-togethers, but never really talked to. But now I have to. Now I have to awkwardly walk up to you, give you that odd nod of acknowledgment and somehow start a conversation with you. Maybe we're enjoying the same kind of beer. Maybe I overheard you make an Always Sunny reference. Or you've double parked my car and I really wanna get the hell out of here. Whatever the case, let's do this.

Part of me wants to say I want to watch the Saints face the Lions, mostly because I want to see Brees dominate. But, I would be lying. I have to admit, I'm really interested to see how my old favorites are going to do: the Pats. I'm just too curious to see how Brady will shape up, coming off a year of no playing, and how the defense will fare given some recent overhauling. There's a lot of pressure on them. At least for this first game, I won't root for their opposition (this Monday: the Bills, go T.O.!), but I won't be surprised to see them at least stagger a little.

Nah, who am I kidding? Please win, Buffalo.

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Another Pats "Retirement"

-Come with me if you want to win-

RWPilk

More breaking news from the New England Patriots defense: Richard Seymour is packing his bags and heading to Oakland. Poor bastard. Head coach and humanitarian Bill Belichick has ended the career of yet another key defensive player by shipping him to the Raiders for some draft pick in 2011. 2011? Jesus, Bill. Thinking ahead is one thing, it's another to think you're going to draft a hovering, cyborg car beef up your blitzes.

It was just last week that everyone was up in arms about the Bruschi "retirement". Citing how Belichick was all weepy during the final press conference, how Bruschi may have been "thinking" of quitting anyway, that the Pats organization was one big Hallmark card, shying away from any theories that Tedy was actually strong-armed into packing up his blue and red undies. The breaking news Sunday points to a different trend. Belichick is almost certainly spearheading an overhaul of a New England defense that has been struggling the last few years. SI's Fantasy Football Special ranked them 12th (well before the Bruschi/Seymour loses), citing the fact that Belichick will employ some kind of "defensive wizardry," but noncomittedly admitted any small shove from a respectable team sends the whole system sprawling on its back like a small turtle you've flipped over and considered for an ashtray. It looks like the changes will be big, and drafting a whole NE defense scrambling to find their rhythm with a new system seems silly and counter productive.

Some of you sports blog surfers have speculated that Belichick is changing the defense from a 3-4 to a 4-3. If you're wondering what that sound is, it's the noise of crickets.... I have no idea what 3-4 or 4-3 means. Whatever. No one can blame any of the NE staff looking to make some improvements to their D-Fence, but for anyone still trying to argue that Belichick is harboring the rest of the region's sentimental inclinations to franchise players, the proof is in the pudding.

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Y'all Can't Do Tedy Like THIS!

-Bill wanted me to tell you, Tedy Bear... door's that way.-

RWPilk

Attention all fantasy footballers! Anyone getting in on some late drafting action and had their (lazy) eye on the soft, nougat-filled New England defense, drop that fork! Sunday night it broke that defensive captain and merit badge champion Tedy Bruschi is retiring. Of course, "retire" is a term we'll use loosely. The guy is 36, hasn't been a play-maker in a few years, and is really better known for injuries and health problems more than anything else. He's probably retiring just as much as Nixon resigned. Still, for whatever reason, he's a big ole' deal in New England and will sure to be getting a classy, tear-filled send off.

I don't have a huge problem with Bruschi. By all accounts he's a good guy, I just feel I'm the only one wondering how someone has a stroke at 30. C'mon man, don't get benched by aliments most found in retirement homes. What team you think you're on, the Red Sox? Well whatever, the point is there's already some squabbling over how coach Bill Belichick is being so great by not officially cutting a guy who has basically been an unofficial, non-plush mascot for the last 5 years. Well, here's a preemptive shout from the peanut gallery: the hell with that.

You wouldn't know it to talk to any NE fan, but Belichick is a dick. A notorious one. Outside the haze of self-congratulatory back-slapping of the northeast are rampant stories of Belichick's shady practices and Machiavellian brand of sportsmanship. And long before the Spygate thing too. My favorite is his cussing out opposing team medics for rushing to his player's side after a dangerous hit. Or Tom Brady's mysterious "questionable" injury status that was retained throughout the dynasty seasons. Careful what you wish for, Bill.

So, yeah, cornering an aging, big-heart/come-up-short franchise guy into "retiring" shouldn't be getting one lick of admiration. We all know what drives those evil glares and revealing press conferences, Bill: a heart of freezing, craggy ice. It certainly explains all the sweatshirts.

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2009 NFL Preview: The Draft You Save...

- Stoppable force, meet movable object -

Cole

I don't know what Rob's talking about: this segment was totally his idea. Still, if he's not going to give you players to help you win, neither will I. Here's four players (well, three and a defense) that you should think twice before you pick them up on draft day:

Kurt Warner, QB, Cardinals: Yes, Warner took countless owners to league titles last year, resurrecting the Greatest Show on Turf in the goofiest stadium in the Western Hemisphere. But will he be an elite fantasy quarterback again? Don't count on it. Or how often do 38-year-old quarterbacks last a full season, especially given last year was Warner's first since 2001?

Joseph Addai, RB, Colts: I went to my league championship last year. Addai was my first-round pick. Those events are almost entirely unrelated, as I'm sure you know if you selected Addai as well. In addition to missing four games, Addai ran for over 100 yards once (vs. Houston), and had over 100 yards total in only one other game (70 rushing, 31 receiving vs. San Diego). Add in the hype surrounding rookie Donald Brown, and Addai is far from a consensus first-rounder.

Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Dolphins: A first-round pick out of Ohio State in 2007, Ginn is one of those perennial-sleeper types that's supposed to have a breakout year every year. Ginn compiled nearly 800 yards of receiving last year, and was second in the league in yards per touch. The problem? Chad Pennington, who hasn't been known for his deep ball since he was throwing to Randy Moss at Marshall. Don't expect Ginn to have a stellar season with Pennington -- or Ronnie Brown -- under center. But he's certainly someone to watch on the waiver wire.

New England, DST, Patriots: You wouldn't think I'd have to tell people that a defense whose starters average 47 years old isn't a good draft pick. Still, it's hard to pick a defense, and most people will go on reputation. Don't let that be you, though: the secondary is porous, the front seven is unimpressive beyond Jerod Mayo, and there are no true playmakers on special teams to get you return touchdowns. And don't forget games against the Colts and Saints. The resurgent offenses of the Falcons, Dolphins, and Texans will give the Pats problems too.

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2009 NFL Preview: A Draft I Can't Drink? Lame.

-Housh! Behind you!-

RWPilk

The other day, I'm passing Cole in the hallway, so I'm like "What up, shrimp-wad?!" and he's like "We should each write up a draft preview post." Sigh. It's always something else with this guy. "Get off the coffee table!" "Make your own omlet!" "Don't use my toothbrush for that!" Nag, nag.

I'm not looking forward to our live draft. I honestly believe that an automated draft would serve me better than a live one. Me doing a live draft is like someone bobbing for apples: they all look the same to me, I'm just gonna keep the one that happens to land in my mouth. Pause? Eh, close enough.

But here we go, here are a few players I'll keep an eye out for:

T.J. Houshmandzadeh (WR Seattle Seahawks) - You gotta like a guy that's so confident in his performance, he's staging a one-man boycott of Madden 2009 because of a low player rating. C'mon EA Sports, y'all can't do TJ like this! Anyway, I just like being able to yell "WHOSYAMOMMA!!!" at the TV when he makes a play. Beer might be involved.

Chad Pennington (QB Miami Dolphins) - Ah, the first victim of Brett Favre's hostile post-"retirement" NFL takeover. I don't know, I just like the story of a guy who got unfairly bumbed to a miserable team, and immediately had a respectable season (#2 pick for MVP, under Peyton). And a lot of room to still move up. Eat it, Favre.

Randy Moss (WR New England Patriots) - No brainer, but with a little extra mustard: Tom Brady hasn't been on the field in nearly a year. Sure, maybe if that Super Bowl had been won, if he hadn't hurt his knee, Tom would be kicking back, tossing passies to Welker, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc, or whoever else is catching passes for the Pats. But I know Tom's type. He knows eyes are on him and he wants to shut up any doubts. He'll go to the Tubbs to his Crockett: The Moss Man.

The Detroit Lions Defense - Don't question it. They're just gonna pull it together this season. I got a feeling. A feeling, or a brain tumor. One of those.

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2009 NFL Preview: Tuck Rule, My A**

-So, this is what it feels like to sack you, Tom. I didn't know it would be so... sensual.-

RWPilk

So Bryan tells me we should do an NFL preview for the coming season. Okay. But I'll be honest, there are only a few things I know about football this season:

1.) The San Diego Chargers are cool with fining players like Antonio Cromartie for using Twitter to report on training camp conditions (c'mon guys, lighten up).

2.) Tom Brady is returning as QB to the Patriots.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like Tom Brady. Not one bit. But with good reason. New England fans piss and moan that it's actually Bret Favre that get gets crammed down everyone's throat every year, but it ain't. It's Tom Terrific. It doesn't matter if hasn't set foot on the field all season. It doesn't matter that Matt Cassel is out there killing himself, making plays. No one, not fans, not sports writers, not even the friggin' sportscasters announcing games the Pats aren't even playing in can shut up about Tom Brady. The whole New England region is one giant, salivating, 24-hour Tom Brady zone. Seriously. Believe it, somewhere in MA, taxpayer money is being used to put together a stain glass window of this guy.

And it's not even the fact that his mug is plastered over every advertising medium you can think of (Don't believe me?), it's all this “Greatest Ever” talk. You can't decide that yet. And even if you could, a Super Bowl loser who gets fed plays through his helmet from a team caught cheating is the best ever? Ever? C'mon, New England. Cocky is one thing. Delusional is another. And not for nothing, but when Bledsoe was hurt, he was on the sidelines, helping Tom cut his teeth. When Tom got hurt, he went to California to bang his super model girlfriend. Yeah, I'll throw in another: at the height of his fame, Bledsoe wrote a children's book. At the height of his, Tom broke up with his pregnant girlfriend.

But that's just me being bitter. I get it. This is sports, not an after-school special. So, Tom Terrific is coming back after a 2008 hiatus and, from what I hear, coming off a pretty notorious type of knee injury. All reports is that he's doing well in training camp, looking top form. Big surprise, I'm sure he'll still be an early grab in many fantasy drafts. I don't know how “top form” a guy is when you want him to be scrambling in the pocket and he has trouble operating a kayak. But whatever. 2009 is the official return of Tom Brady and I can hear the collective lips an entire nation of sports fans pucking up.

I'm already practicing my scowl.

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