Friday, August 7, 2009

2009 NFL Preview: Tuck Rule, My A**

-So, this is what it feels like to sack you, Tom. I didn't know it would be so... sensual.-

So Bryan tells me we should do an NFL preview for the coming season. Okay. But I'll be honest, there are only a few things I know about football this season:

1.) The San Diego Chargers are cool with fining players like
Antonio Cromartie for using Twitter to report on training camp conditions (c'mon guys, lighten up).

2.) Tom Brady is returning as QB to the Patriots.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like Tom Brady. Not one bit. But with good reason. New England fans piss and moan that it's actually Bret Favre that get gets crammed down everyone's throat every year, but it ain't. It's Tom Terrific. It doesn't matter if hasn't set foot on the field all season. It doesn't matter that Matt Cassel is out there killing himself, making plays. No one, not fans, not sports writers, not even the friggin' sportscasters announcing games the Pats aren't even playing in can shut up about Tom Brady. The whole New England region is one giant, salivating, 24-hour Tom Brady zone. Seriously. Believe it, somewhere in MA, taxpayer money is being used to put together a stain glass window of this guy.

And it's not even the fact that his mug is plastered over every advertising medium you can think of (Don't believe me?), it's all this “Greatest Ever” talk. You can't decide that yet. And even if you could, a Super Bowl loser who gets fed plays through his helmet from a team caught cheating is the best ever? Ever? C'mon, New England. Cocky is one thing. Delusional is another. And not for nothing, but when Bledsoe was hurt, he was on the sidelines, helping Tom cut his teeth. When Tom got hurt, he went to California to bang his super model girlfriend. Yeah, I'll throw in another: at the height of his fame, Bledsoe wrote a children's book. At the height of his, Tom broke up with his pregnant girlfriend.

But that's just me being bitter. I get it. This is sports, not an after-school special. So, Tom Terrific is coming back after a 2008 hiatus and, from what I hear, coming off a pretty notorious type of knee injury. All reports is that he's doing well in training camp, looking top form. Big surprise, I'm sure he'll still be an early grab in many fantasy drafts. I don't know how “top form” a guy is when you want him to be scrambling in the pocket and he
has trouble operating a kayak. But whatever. 2009 is the official return of Tom Brady and I can hear the collective lips an entire nation of sports fans pucking up.

I'm already practicing my scowl.


  1. Every time I hear you complain about Brady, I just know that somewhere, buried deep in your closet, is an old Drew Bledsoe jersey. Embrace your inner slow goofy white guy, R-Dubs. Embrace it.

    Everyone wish RWPilk a happy birthday, by the way.

  2. I like the tuck rule but Rob gets mad when I make him do it.

  3. That comma is just for you, buddy.