Live Blog: Red Sox vs Yankees

- Fond memories of happier times. -

Sweet, Sweet Live Blogging Action!

Boston Red Sox vs New York Yankees

August 22nd, 2009 4:10pm EST

Airing on FOX

Welcome one and all! Crack a cold one and grab a seat in front of your collective TV and computer screens: you're at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action!'s first live blogging! How this works - RWPilk and Cole will write in real time with the airing of the game listed above. The blog entries will work downward on this page, the most recent writing occurring at the bottom of the page. All you'll need to do is occasionally hit your REFRESH button of your internet browser to keep up with the mayhem! So kick back and enjoy!

Cole

Gooooooood afternoon, everyone. I'm Cole, along here with RWPilk, and I'm frigging miserable. It's hot, the Red Sox are terrible, the Yankees are not, and I just volunteered to listen to Tim McCarver for several hours straight. Can you put me out of my misery, Rob? Please?

RWPilk
I don't know. Would booze help? How drunk do you think you can get in ten minutes? But wait, before you get blasted, let's get some predictions going since you're the only one here that really knows what he's talking about.

Cole
You want a prediction? Here's all the prediction you need. This ain't gonna be pretty.

RWPilk
Oh, lovely. Not even in the first inning we and got some irreverent link action going on. Oh, here are the batting order. And the first inning starts... Now! What's with Tazawa? Is he new? What's the deal?

Cole
Hey, you heard McCarver. He's from the Industrial League in Japan. And he's a pinhead pinpoint pitcher! As evidenced by the fact that he specifically did not hit Teixiera there. A terrible call, but it works like an IBB. Here's a drinking game for the viewers at home: drink every time A-Rod's homer against Tazawa is referenced.

RWPilk
Ah, and we got our first gem from McCarver. "Pitchers have long memories, like hitters." And unlike all the other baseball players that neither hit or pitch. Thanks, Tim.

Cole
More brain surgery there from McCarver: "Victor Martinez [you know, the catcher] is not a fast runner." And immediately after, "Cano was the cutoff between himself and first base, instead of between himself and second base." Say what?

Meanwhile, more drinking game criteria: drink every time Youkilis has some emotional outburst after sucking.

RWPilk
Jesus, how did Ortiz and Martinez make it around the bases without a homerun? Tito must have tied sticks to their helmets with like cheeseburgers dangling at the end of them. 3-0 though, I can dig it.

Cole
For those of you who tuned in expecting to see a defensive struggle with expert baserunning, well, I'm sorry, you were gravely deceived. I, for one, am terribly uncomfortable with this lead, though. The Sox need something like another five runs or so.

RWPilk
Wow, that's the first helmet-to-face injury I've seen. Pedroia! Protect that mug of yours. It's your twinkle! Besides, Dunkin Donuts needs you to be strapping. Strapping and drinking iced coffee.

Cole
Aaaand Tazawa works his way out of another awkward situation. Two innings successfully! (I thought your last post said, "it's your twinkie", by the way. We might have to get you a new font.)

RWPilk
What the hell was McCarver just talking about? What he had for dinner last night? Jesus Christ. Did you get the early bird special, Tim? Oooh, and a homerun from Alex Gonzalez. Who the hell is that?

Cole
These are the type of questions the world may never know the answers to. I love that Joe Morgan (the ex-Red Sox manager) is in the broadcast booth and not talking. And now, as Burnett walks two straight, I'ma get in on some sweet, sweet Harpoon IPA action!

Cole
Oh Kevin Youkilis, here's hoping that homer turns your frown upside down. But I still want more runs: As good as the Red Sox are playing in the first half of this game, that's how as bad I expect them to play now.

RWPilk
Does it make me a bad New Englander if I want to see the Yankees score a few to make this not a snore fest? 7-0, It's the 3rd inning and we have a football score. Anyway, at this rate, they have about 4 more hours to catch up.

Cole
I think it makes you a bad human being. I'm wicked pissed, ya traitah!

Meanwhile, for someone who got rocked by throwing A-Rod a curveball, Tazawa threw a lot of curveballs to A-Rod there. So pretty looking though.

Cole
Another couple scoreless innings, and maybe we'll be back on schedule. Man, every half inning Tazawa's on the mound is like a Law & Order episode: there's going to be all sorts of drama, even if he comes out okay in the end, and it's going to take almost an hour.

RWPilk
Tim McCarver, head squarely up Jeter's ass, is impressed with his willingness to play "everyday". Yeah let's give Jeter an MVP award for doing what most other baseball players, and most citizens of America do regularly. Not everyone works just Saturdays, jackass.

Cole
Jeter's not even the most valuable Yankee. He won't win, but remember how bad the Yankees were without Alex Rodriguez? And then started winning almost instantly after he returned? And how Mark "I'm-probably-going-to-actually-win" Teixiera instantly started hitting once A-Rod was protecting him in the lineup? A-Rod is the anti-Jeter: he's an otherworldly baseball talent, but the media can't find enough bad things to say about him.

RWPilk
They're now talking about Tom Brady and Brett Favre. As we haven't had enough of that lately. Somebody cut the mics! Ortiz homers and he gets that wonderful half-jog he likes to do around the bases. Burnett going "why why why why why?" Because, AJ, you suck. It's 8-0. Remember?

Cole
My favorite part of the Brady-F****-Vick discussion was cutting to the hot dog vendor. You know, because it's just as relevant as the football discussion. Meanwhile, Bay doubles and Swisher can't play the outfield, and now it's 9-0 after five. Am I comfortable? Eh.

RWPilk
You're not comfortable with a 9-0 lead? My God, Tazawa could start throwing a beach ball the next few innings and it would still take a while for the Yankees to catch up. What the hell I thought the Yankees were supposed to be good?

Cole
They're up 7.5 games, you know. They can play baseball. These things happen. And you have no evidence that Tazawa WON'T start throwing beach balls ... although I don't think that would help much because they wouldn't go as far, really.

Cole
Say what you will about his broadcast partner, but Jon Miller's "Two! A double play!" call is what I always think about when I see a DP.

RWPilk
...I don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I love that Remy graphic. "Was not happy with the result of the game." They lost! I can assume that! God, announcing MLB must be like baking a cake with one grain of sugar. Four minutes of action and info over the course of 3 hours. And congrats to the Yankees for pulling Burnett out after 9 unanswered runs. What's that like, Bryan? Closing the barn doors after the storm?

Cole
And that's ignoring the whole terrible poetry McCarver hit us with in his description of Fenway Park. And gadzooks, Rob, but you sure hit that nail on the head. Darn tootin'.

Youk again! No matter how many Freudian slips McCarver makes, I don't think you're useless.

RWPilk
Did you see Ortiz just do his best Curly impression? How many people can you injure with one swing of the bat? If only the ump had been been hit in the foot with Posada's mask. Why, I oughta...

Cole
Welp, there goes the shutout; Nick Swisher homers to left now to cut the lead to 12-1. I like Bard, but he could use a little more break on his pitches, or a little more seasoning in the minors. Something.

RWPilk
By the way, is anyone listening to McCarver? How can someone make a living like this, using non-descript words to announce an event on national television, and used to describe player's talent, no less. At least I hope he's using it to describe their talent. Here's my summary of McCarver's announcing today:

Cole
I mean, I'm not really paying attention. Most recently, I've been reading the hate mail some NFL player "sent" to John Madden because he was the lowest-rated player in the game (fake but still funny). I will say, though, that it's still entertaining watching Jose Molina spend three innings praying to anything and everything that no one hits the ball to him.

RWPilk
Oh, naive, naive blogmate. That ain't no real letter. Anyway, Papelbon is warming up. Lot of pressure on him tonight. The slightest 11 run inning will spell his doom! God, it's me, RWPilk. Again. Thank you for that ice cream I prayed for earlier, but please please please don't make me live blog another baseball game again. Amen. P.S. Better get those wheels moving on the blu-ray player.

Cole
You know what? As Casey Kotchman drives in run number 13 (12 of which came with two outs! Thanks Tim McCarver; that was actually interesting and useful!), I gotta say, that's the perfect note to end on. What we really need are subs to come in and continue live blogging for us.

And thus concludes the first live blogging at Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! We leave the game at the top of the 9th, Sox up by 13 runs. Thank you for those who joined us and read along. Next time, I think we'll try football. Or paint drying. You know, something that moves faster.