Now Who Will I Make Fun Of?

-Take a knee, you selfish bastard!-

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-1, 5th overall

That heavenly choir in the distance? It's coming from Detroit.

The big news in Week 3 is that the Detroit Lions, the butt of every horrible sports team joke for the last... forever, ended a 19 game losing streak against the Washington Redskins. This one hurts people, the Lions were my go to yardstick for every measure of ineptitude. "What are you, the Detroit Lions of omelet making?" I would scream at Cole, chewing his cheesy and pepper-laced poultry abortion at 3am. Surprisingly, he hasn't again attempted to prove me wrong. Coward!

But good for them. The Lions. I mean, they'll still probably suck. But "get that monkey off your back" and feel like a real football team, for Pete sake. What can I say? I'm a softie for underdogs.

One thing is for sure, you do not want to be a Washington Redskin right now. Whoo boy. Head coach Jim Zorn is probably breaking out the bullwhips for practice this week (pause), and it's already being rumored he'll be grilled for some of his game time decisions, maybe in defense of keeping his job. Not good. But who am I to talk? After Week 3 officially ends, I'll have the same record as the Detroit Lions.

And now I'm off to find some liquor.

Read more...

Week 1 Recap: And Off We Go!

-Step 1: Hold on to the ball. Step 2: Don't ruin everything.-

And what a week it was, folks. Cracked ribs! Throwback jerseys! Comically desperate, final-second laterals! The Lions! Oh, the memories. The SSFA! duel of fantasy sports theory is finally on as Cole and RWPilk make their first etchings into their records. Let's inflate their sense of purpose and go to them now for some thoughts on Week 1! ... And don't forget to check out our teams and cast a vote in our DRAFT POLL, immediately to your right!

Cole

Current Standing: 1-0, 6th Overall

Look up "disappointment" in the dictionary. Go ahead, I'll wait.

::whistles::

Back yet? Did you happen to see my fantasy roster listed as an example? No? Because you didn't really look, I'm sure, but trust me, it's in there.

How disappointed can I be after week one? Oh, plenty. My powerhouse running back tandem of Matt Forte and Chris Johnson, known the fantasy world over as top-ten talent, posted a combined 10 points. Greg Olsen, a top-five TE in some publications, earned me as many points as Alex Smith, who came as close to seeing the field as I did. Kris Brown -- I mean, I don't know what the hell I was thinking there, but Houston getting just seven points? Come on. And the Dolphins' DST (admittedly a reach on the best of days) was bad enough that I'm seriously looking at acquiring the Saints' defense. I will now wash my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

Oh, and I almost forgot about McNabb. Hey, terrific. Thanks for the 21 points and the memories; at least you're already light years ahead of the QB I drafted last year: Matt Hasselback. Friggin' awesome.

Just once I'd like to have a good draft chased by some solid weeks and not have to go scrambling to the waiver wire every damn Tuesday morning. You know the scenes in Edward Scissorhands where Johnny Depp's cutting things? Just a whirlwind of activity and a blur of leaves/hair/fur/ice? That's what my fantasy roster's going to look like over the coming weeks.

I love this game.

RWPilk

Current Standing: 1-0, Tied for 2nd Overall

Ahhh. Let's start off with some prerequisite smack talking: Even though he was able to squeak by with a win, Mr. "No one knows how to draft but me" Cole landed the third lowest score in the league in Week 1. Hear that squeaking noise? That's one point for my fantasy sports theory going up on the dry erase board. Count it. But don't feel bad, once Cole gets a win he'll shoot it right back at me. How long does it take for cracked ribs to heal?

What is there to say about my team's performance? You sports people were right about Drew Brees: he scored just less than 50 pts this week. Still, all the saintly pictures of him floating around are a little much aren't they? C'mon. He played the Lions. Unless the rest of the Saints' schedule is filled with Girl Scout Troops and collections of small mice, I think we can calm down a little. Still, I'm excited about him.

I was hoping for a better performance from the Green Bay defense, given all the hype, but they put up decent numbers nonetheless. Westbrook was great, but as predicted by CBS analytics, RB Larry Johnson was shut down and T.O. gained a measly 4 pts despite his endorsement from VH1. Still it's hard to get mad at T.O. when it was Leodis McKelvin who fumbled for Buffalo and let the Pats win. C'mon! You let them off the hook! They were who you thought they were! Despite those cream colored helmets.

Read more...

Week 1: Coming Attractions!

-No! You'll suck more!-

Finally. The 2009 NFL season is here. And no two guys are probably more excited than Cole and RWPilk. They watched the Titans and Steelers duke it out with bated breath (and a Jay Leno ad overdose) Thursday, a now, in turn, cast their astigmatism stricken/ blurry eyes to Week 1! Who do they like?! What do they hate?! What could they take or leave?! Let's go to them now... And don't forget about our DRAFT POLL, ready immediately to your right!

Cole

Fantasy-wise, I'm ready for this season (and the requisite trash-talking) to start in earnest, but for this week at least I'm in a strange position. In one league, I have Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones, and in the other, I'm going up against ... Chris Johnson, Matt Forte, and Felix Jones. C'est la vie, I guess.

Good game last night though: no one is happier than Hines Ward that the Pittsburgh Steelers recovered from that fumble and defeated the Tennessee Titans. He should also be happy that the NFL has those crappy overtime rules. Call it silly, but I like the "Texas-style" college overtime system: each offense gets the ball on the opponents' 25 yard line (say the 50 in the NFL, so you can't just kick field goals every time), and repeat until there's a difference in scores. I love this idea, partly because it's mine but mostly because, hey, who doesn't like offense?

Meanwhile, I'd love to see the Falcons-Dolphins game this week. These are two teams that comically exceeded expectations last year thanks in part to a soft schedule; with a tougher schedule and a year to prepare, which team will regress? (Personally, I'd guess the Dolphins: I have more faith in Matty Ice than the continued success of Chad Pennington and the Wildcat wrinkle.) But, since the landlord says no DirecTV, I don't have the NFL Sunday Ticket package, and I'm stuck with Jets/Texans, Redskins/Giants, and ... Vikings/Browns?! Oh for -- man, those are all gonna suck. You know what I'm looking forward to? The game breaks. Well, at least Chicago-Green Bay will be fun to watch: I'm very curious to see Jay Cutler's Bears debut.

RWPilk

Well, hello there National Football League. How are you? I've seen you around. You're like that guy you always see at parties or get-togethers, but never really talked to. But now I have to. Now I have to awkwardly walk up to you, give you that odd nod of acknowledgment and somehow start a conversation with you. Maybe we're enjoying the same kind of beer. Maybe I overheard you make an Always Sunny reference. Or you've double parked my car and I really wanna get the hell out of here. Whatever the case, let's do this.

Part of me wants to say I want to watch the Saints face the Lions, mostly because I want to see Brees dominate. But, I would be lying. I have to admit, I'm really interested to see how my old favorites are going to do: the Pats. I'm just too curious to see how Brady will shape up, coming off a year of no playing, and how the defense will fare given some recent overhauling. There's a lot of pressure on them. At least for this first game, I won't root for their opposition (this Monday: the Bills, go T.O.!), but I won't be surprised to see them at least stagger a little.

Nah, who am I kidding? Please win, Buffalo.

Read more...

2009 NFL Preview: A Draft I Can't Drink? Lame.

-Housh! Behind you!-

RWPilk

The other day, I'm passing Cole in the hallway, so I'm like "What up, shrimp-wad?!" and he's like "We should each write up a draft preview post." Sigh. It's always something else with this guy. "Get off the coffee table!" "Make your own omlet!" "Don't use my toothbrush for that!" Nag, nag.

I'm not looking forward to our live draft. I honestly believe that an automated draft would serve me better than a live one. Me doing a live draft is like someone bobbing for apples: they all look the same to me, I'm just gonna keep the one that happens to land in my mouth. Pause? Eh, close enough.

But here we go, here are a few players I'll keep an eye out for:

T.J. Houshmandzadeh (WR Seattle Seahawks) - You gotta like a guy that's so confident in his performance, he's staging a one-man boycott of Madden 2009 because of a low player rating. C'mon EA Sports, y'all can't do TJ like this! Anyway, I just like being able to yell "WHOSYAMOMMA!!!" at the TV when he makes a play. Beer might be involved.

Chad Pennington (QB Miami Dolphins) - Ah, the first victim of Brett Favre's hostile post-"retirement" NFL takeover. I don't know, I just like the story of a guy who got unfairly bumbed to a miserable team, and immediately had a respectable season (#2 pick for MVP, under Peyton). And a lot of room to still move up. Eat it, Favre.

Randy Moss (WR New England Patriots) - No brainer, but with a little extra mustard: Tom Brady hasn't been on the field in nearly a year. Sure, maybe if that Super Bowl had been won, if he hadn't hurt his knee, Tom would be kicking back, tossing passies to Welker, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc, or whoever else is catching passes for the Pats. But I know Tom's type. He knows eyes are on him and he wants to shut up any doubts. He'll go to the Tubbs to his Crockett: The Moss Man.

The Detroit Lions Defense - Don't question it. They're just gonna pull it together this season. I got a feeling. A feeling, or a brain tumor. One of those.

Read more...