Thursday, September 24, 2009

One Is a Genius...

-Boom! Tough-actin' video games.-

Current Standing: 2-0, 2nd Overall

We're all very proud of Jerry Jones, I'm sure, for successfully constructing a stadium so comically oversized that hyperbolic announcers feel warranted in comparing it to the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World. And don't get me wrong: if you can bilk the state into fronting half a billion dollars of the cost, all the more power to you. I hate that system, but "it is what it is". Fine.

But honestly, that's not what I came here today to talk to you about. I want to talk presidents.

You see, the opening of Cowboys Stadium attracted all kinds of celebrities, none more intriguing than Jessica Simpson former announcer John Madden and former Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush. You read that right: the 'Boys-Giants battle was attended by a brainless blowhard almost universally disliked by the time he left ... and George W. Bush. (Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week.)

What NBC didn't tell you was that the president's box was wired for sound for security reasons. Lucky for you, we at SSFA! have obtained a transcript of those tapes. Here are some highlights:

John Madden: Hey, Mr. President, it's goot to meet you, glad you're here. Hey, I gotta ask: why did you claim executive privilege to withhold evidence of CIA waterboarding and fabrication of the evidence of weapons of mass destruction in the Iraq?
George W. Bush: [flustereed] Wait, what?
JM: [laughing] Naw, just kidding -- you should've seen your face! Grab a beer, man.
GWB: Thanks -- oh, man! Romo threw a pick six already? More like Tony Homo, am I right?

JM: All right, I gotta ask: how can you stand baseball? I get so bored I just wanna run on the field and [unintelligible] and BOOM!
GWB: Hey man, I hear ya. But you don't really think I watched it just because I had a team, do you?
JM: Well, I just...
GWB: Would I have traded away Sammy Sosa otherwise?

GWB: Oh, hey, so Dick's been a little down lately. I figured I'd take him hunting to cheer him up -- you know, give him a little surprise. Where's your favorite place to hunt turducken?

GWB: How was the flight down here?
JM: Oh, ha ha, I hate flying. Always did. That's why I take the ol' trusty Madden Cruiser. Gets a sweet seven miles to the gallon!
GWB: Y'know, I got a friend, Kim somethin', hates flying. If I give you his number, you think you could hook him up?

GWB: So who's the smart money on this year?
JM: Well, I like Brett Favre. He's such a great athlete, he knows to play the game, and he's such a fighter, so you gotta love the Packers.
GWB: ...he's not on the Packers any more.
JM: Well whoever. I like whatever team has Brett Favre. What a class act.
GWB: God damn, you're dumb.

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