In Which We Pretend to Care About the NFL Preseason

-Ha, they mispelled "Eepsw". Those jerks.-

Cole

The Boston Red Sox' season* came to a crashing halt Sunday night, as the Sox did their best to remind fans of the infamous Boston Massacre. If only there were some way to distract from this so I didn't have to write ab -- oh look! It's the NFL!

Yes, the Tennessee Titans and Buffalo Bills clashed in the annual Hall of Fame Game this weekend, kicking off a month of meaningless exhibitions. If you missed it, don't worry: I started my preparations for the upcoming season by watching the whole first quarter before sending in a backup. There were a couple of highlights though, chief among them the AFL tribute uniforms.


This year is the 50th anniversary of the American Football League, so the league's original eight franchises will be donning awesome throwback jerseys throughout the year to celebrate. This means everyone's favorite public drunk Patriots' logo will be making an occasional reappearance. Paul Lukas over at Uni Watch blog did a better job detailing the throwbacks -- refs included -- than I could ever do, so go check that out.

Equally awesome was the play here, the first score of the new season. Football, I think, is unique in the use of trick plays. Oh sure, baseball has the hidden-ball trick and whatever, but if you pull that kind of stuff in baseball, you're known as a bush-league amateur. In football, you're known as a bold visionary (and then some). So NFL coaches (because I'm POSITIVE Bill Belichick reads this blog all the time), incorporate more trickeration on a weekly basis, especially on fourth down. Look at it this way: the games will be more interesting, the fans will talk about the team more, and the media will be slower to call for your head if the team doesn't perform well.

Assuming the trick plays work, that is.

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* - Not to go all George Carlin on it, but is that right? "Red Sox' season"? Are we sure it's not "Red Sox's season"? "Red Socks' season"? "Passers by"?

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Michael Vick Survival Guide

-Vick summaries every Andy Rooney segment-

RWPilk

Over the past few days, 50 people were blown up in Iraq, a maniac went in and shot up a fitness center in PA, hundreds went missing in Taiwan mudslides and typhoons, and crazies everywhere celebrated the 40th anniversary of the Manson murders. But, holy s***, you gotta be one sorry SOB to bat an eye at that weak sauce because 7th sign of the apocalypse, Michael Vick is back in town, talking up 60 Minutes, and all bets are off.

Now, I know what you're thinking: How can I, modest citizen and faithful SSFA! reader, ward off such evil? Fret not, for we have devised three easy steps to protect you and your highly endangered family:

Step 1: Read! If you missed any of the headlines listed above, fear not; more and more come out everyday just like it! And while you're discovering there are greater evils in the world outside of "forcing" mean things to be mean to each other (see Step 2) you might accidentally learn that Michael Vick broke the law, got caught, and then served an appropriate sentence in jail. Menace vanquished!

Step 2: Know Thy Beasts! For those not sure what Vick is guilty of, it's locking dogs in a cage together and making them fight. Oh, not just any dogs. Pitbulls. Our (strictly platonic) friends at the Center of Disease Control classify pitbulls as a large, popular breed that lead the country in human attack statistics. Oh, wait, scratch that; human fatality statistics. That's right, no dog in America kills more people than the pitbull. Hmmm, why does Michael Vick making pitbulls be vicious and bloodthirsty to each other suddenly sound like locking two rabbits in a cage and "making them" boink? Danger averted!

Step 3: Take a Deep Breath! Michael Vick went to jail a shamed NFL quarterback and returns to society as... a shamed NFL quarterback. But even better, Tony Dungy is has risen to the challenge of being Vick's wise and world-weary mentor, a role surely to be played by Morgan Freeman somewhere down the line (or at least in my head). With such guidance, how can Vick go wrong? Malice extinguished!

And, ta daa, Michael Vick, the diabolical mind who let two dogs do in a cage what they would probably do outside a cage, isn't such a big deal anymore. He's safe to watch, safe to play with, and, I'm guessing, safe to draft in fantasy leagues. Just be sure to remove all household pets from the safety of your living room before doing so.

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2009 NFL Preview: Tuck Rule, My A**

-So, this is what it feels like to sack you, Tom. I didn't know it would be so... sensual.-

RWPilk

So Bryan tells me we should do an NFL preview for the coming season. Okay. But I'll be honest, there are only a few things I know about football this season:

1.) The San Diego Chargers are cool with fining players like Antonio Cromartie for using Twitter to report on training camp conditions (c'mon guys, lighten up).

2.) Tom Brady is returning as QB to the Patriots.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don't like Tom Brady. Not one bit. But with good reason. New England fans piss and moan that it's actually Bret Favre that get gets crammed down everyone's throat every year, but it ain't. It's Tom Terrific. It doesn't matter if hasn't set foot on the field all season. It doesn't matter that Matt Cassel is out there killing himself, making plays. No one, not fans, not sports writers, not even the friggin' sportscasters announcing games the Pats aren't even playing in can shut up about Tom Brady. The whole New England region is one giant, salivating, 24-hour Tom Brady zone. Seriously. Believe it, somewhere in MA, taxpayer money is being used to put together a stain glass window of this guy.

And it's not even the fact that his mug is plastered over every advertising medium you can think of (Don't believe me?), it's all this “Greatest Ever” talk. You can't decide that yet. And even if you could, a Super Bowl loser who gets fed plays through his helmet from a team caught cheating is the best ever? Ever? C'mon, New England. Cocky is one thing. Delusional is another. And not for nothing, but when Bledsoe was hurt, he was on the sidelines, helping Tom cut his teeth. When Tom got hurt, he went to California to bang his super model girlfriend. Yeah, I'll throw in another: at the height of his fame, Bledsoe wrote a children's book. At the height of his, Tom broke up with his pregnant girlfriend.

But that's just me being bitter. I get it. This is sports, not an after-school special. So, Tom Terrific is coming back after a 2008 hiatus and, from what I hear, coming off a pretty notorious type of knee injury. All reports is that he's doing well in training camp, looking top form. Big surprise, I'm sure he'll still be an early grab in many fantasy drafts. I don't know how “top form” a guy is when you want him to be scrambling in the pocket and he has trouble operating a kayak. But whatever. 2009 is the official return of Tom Brady and I can hear the collective lips an entire nation of sports fans pucking up.

I'm already practicing my scowl.

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Why Ortiz Tested Positive

-You gotta see my doctor. He's the best, David, the best! Mwhahaha!-

Cole

Thoughts for the day, as I wonder whatever happened to the Devil Rays I used to know and love:

• Our crack research team here at SSFA! found a video on David Ortiz's Facebook page that explains the slugger's positive drug test. Video after the jump:

Huh. So that's that.


• Speaking of Ortiz, those of you who have been subjected to his impenetrable accent must be thrilled about the new public service announcement he stars in with Boston Mayor Tom Menino, or as he's known colloquially, "Mumbles". I can't quite make out exactly what the ad is for, but I can only assume it's the Charlie Brown Teachers' Union. I'm actually a little disappointed in the Internet, because I can't find this video anywhere. Fine. How about a cat running on the field? Will that suffice?

• The Ortiz/Ramirez debacle has led to all manner of ridiculous sentiments, but none worse than this one, from ESPN's Patrick Hruby:
  
  
  Joint steroid taint forces Major League Baseball to void 2004 postseason victories for New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, award World Series title to runner-up St. Louis Cardinals. Oh, wait. That will never happen. Bobby Bowden picked the wrong sport.
  
  Well, congratulations St. Louis. I'm happy for you and certainly glad none of your recent teams have any sort of steroid tai -- whoops. Look, I expect plenty of "Boston Roid Sox" jokes now on, and I won't argue with them, but don't try and tell me the World Series victories deserve some sort of asterisk, because here is a complete list of every team that was totally clean during the steroid period:
  
  .
  
  Does that make it right? Of course not. But let's just accept that it happened and prevent it from happening in the future. And don't get me started on that Bobby Bowden quip; I'll talk about the NCAA some other time.
  
  
• Three runs over six innings? That's Brad Penny-level quality. Guess you just have to tip your hat and call the Trenton Thunder your daddy. (Actually, can we talk about how he struck out 11 on 82 pitches? I don't care what level he's throwing at, that's tough to do. Pretty sure he's healthy.)
  
  
• And lastly, may I be the first to congratulate the Yankees on collecting their first win against the Red Sox in 2009. As much fun as it was pretending this could last all season, you knew it was just a matter of time, especially once Francona put John "White Flag" Smoltz on the hill.
  

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Mano y Manning

-"My forehead is still bigger than yours."-

RWPilk

Yesterday it was announced that professional scrappy underdog Eli Manning signed a record-breaking contract with the NY Giants. $97 million over six years, over $16 million a year, with a guaranteed zzzZZZzzz... Whatever. I fell asleep in my honey nut cheerios before the report even finished. But I almost choked on that real honey and natural almond flavor when the man on the TV said that Eli would now be earning more than his brother, Peyton.

I shuddered to think: Does this mean that now Eli will be taking up all of Peyton's commercial spots? Don't get me wrong, I usually hate athletes in commercials, but Peyton usually does a decent job at being funny avoids all the playboy, men's fragrance, Gatorade, just do it crap (video after the jump, not to mention his popular SNL spoof). Will all this end now that his younger brother is earning more coin? For sake of my amusement, and MasterCard, I hope not.

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Kornheiser gets Served

-"Hey... play nice."-

RWPilk

I thought I'd take a moment and highlight a great little moment yesterday when Andy Roddick voiced what everyone else is thinking about Tony Kornheiser on ESPN2's Pardon the Interruption. ESPN isn't letting me embed the video, but I got the link after the jump. Bryan and I both have our favorite bad sportscasters (Tim McCarver and Beasley Reece come to mind), but we both love Kornheiser too. No one else is hanging on to the comb-over with such dignity and grace.

Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon were asking Roddick about Wimbledon, when Roddick gave a little anecdote about his mailman giving him advice after a loss. It went something like this:

"He prefaced what he was going to say with 'I don't know anything about sports and/or tennis, but I'm going to tell you what I think anyway.' So, he's kind of like Kornheiser."

TAKE IT, KORNHEISER! Check it at the 1:30 mark here

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2009 NFL Preview: Saved by the Saints

-"You can stop the flexing, soldier. I've heard good things."-

Cole

Ah, training camp. When a young man's love turns to fantasy, and fans of every team -- okay, fine, not every team -- entertain visions of Lombardi Trophies and victory parades.

As a fan of the Saints, I'm irrationally optimistic, even though the New Orleans defense hasn't done nearly enough to improve on its woeful performance last year. But even if the Saints disappoint yet again, and Sean Payton does even more to shed the "genius" label he picked up in 2006, it's hard not to like the Saints for fantasy purposes. Here's why:

We have a real kicker now. No more of the special teams debacle that cost the Saints multiple games last year. Since taking over the kicking duties in Week 9, rookie Garrett Hartley went a perfect 13-for-13 on FGs and 28-for-28 on XPs, good for third among kickers over that span. The high-powered offense will give him plenty of opportunities, and his 10 games in domes will make his job easier than, say, Lawrence Tynes in the Meadowlands.

That one guy Drew Brees. Can Peyton Manning adjust to the new coach and offensive coordinator in Indy? Will Tom Brady go deeper into the season than the eight minutes he survived last year? Can Kurt Warner throw another 600 passes without his arm falling off? Those are all good questions that I'm sure everyone will talk about ad nauseum leading up to Labor Day, but the real question is, how stupid will you look if you pick another quarterback with Brees still on the board? As always, there's no such thing as a 100 percent sure thing, but this guy's pretty close.

Marques Colston will regress. It's not just for baseball rookies suffering from the infamous "sophomore jinx". I admit: I was one of the poor saps that picked Colston early, only to watch him go on the DL in Week 1, and then underperform for weeks on his return. But his second half was in line with his previous two years, and he posted his best-ever YPC (16.2), so there's plenty of reason to believe he'll return to his previous spot as Drew Brees' favorite target.

A sweet schedule. The bad news: New Orleans' 8-8 record was last in the NFC South last season. The good news: this year's team gets a last-place schedule as a result. That means games against the Rams and Lions. Add that to four games against the rebuilding Bucs and the offense-minded Falcons. Even their games against the AFC East are a good opportunity, playing at Buffalo in September, the weak secondary of the Jets, and the New England Retirees Patriots. Plus, they're not scheduled to play at Chicago in December for the fourth straight year. That'll be a nice change.

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Welcome to the Show

-Enjoying a reasonably priced Fenway Park adult beverage-

RWPilk
I hope you're happy. Because of you, I now have a sports blog.

Cole
I'm happy? I thought this was your idea. Either way, the 9,532,754th sports blog on the Internet is officially online. But since we're doing this, I think the first thing should be to differentiate us.

RWPilk
Okay. Let's see. Well, for one, I'm a lot taller than you.

Cole
...The blog. I mean what makes our blog different.

RWPilk
Oh. Okay. Well there are two of us writing it. And we'll be competing. In fantasy sports. Which is like... what? Two guys competing in cloud-racing.

Cole
Man, I'd watch cloud-racing. The crashes would be excellent, provided shit (uh, I mean, stuff?) still explodes. Um, wait, are we swearing on this blog? If I have to censor myself constantly this is going to get really annoying really fast.

RWPilk
Hmmm, I don't know. Who reads sports blogs? Men? Men swear. So, we probably shouldn't swear. But two men could. And why are we working on this already? Isn't football in like September or something?

Cole
Yeah, well, I figure it'll give us a chance to actually coerce our friends into reading it. I mean, we need some kind of audience. Besides, there's always baseball -- trade deadline, pennant races ... the nice thing about sports is there's no real down time.

RWPilk
Alright. What's the first thing we have to write?

Cole
Well, since the Hall of Fame Game is just around the corner, why not start with an NFL preview?

RWPilk
A preview? No one likes previews. That's when people go and buy popcorn.

Cole
Hey, I know people that love the previews more than the movies. But whatever. It's the best place to start; just write about what you know.

RWPilk
That'll be a pretty short post. But okay. If all else fails, maybe I can find footage of Tom Brady falling out of a kayak or something. That'll fly, right?

Cole
That'll sink, technically. Go for it.

RWPilk
Alright. We're good to go. And thus starts our fantasy sports blog.

Cole
God help us all.

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