2009 NFL Preview: The Draft You Save...

- Stoppable force, meet movable object -

Cole

I don't know what Rob's talking about: this segment was totally his idea. Still, if he's not going to give you players to help you win, neither will I. Here's four players (well, three and a defense) that you should think twice before you pick them up on draft day:

Kurt Warner, QB, Cardinals: Yes, Warner took countless owners to league titles last year, resurrecting the Greatest Show on Turf in the goofiest stadium in the Western Hemisphere. But will he be an elite fantasy quarterback again? Don't count on it. Or how often do 38-year-old quarterbacks last a full season, especially given last year was Warner's first since 2001?

Joseph Addai, RB, Colts: I went to my league championship last year. Addai was my first-round pick. Those events are almost entirely unrelated, as I'm sure you know if you selected Addai as well. In addition to missing four games, Addai ran for over 100 yards once (vs. Houston), and had over 100 yards total in only one other game (70 rushing, 31 receiving vs. San Diego). Add in the hype surrounding rookie Donald Brown, and Addai is far from a consensus first-rounder.

Ted Ginn, Jr., WR, Dolphins: A first-round pick out of Ohio State in 2007, Ginn is one of those perennial-sleeper types that's supposed to have a breakout year every year. Ginn compiled nearly 800 yards of receiving last year, and was second in the league in yards per touch. The problem? Chad Pennington, who hasn't been known for his deep ball since he was throwing to Randy Moss at Marshall. Don't expect Ginn to have a stellar season with Pennington -- or Ronnie Brown -- under center. But he's certainly someone to watch on the waiver wire.

New England, DST, Patriots: You wouldn't think I'd have to tell people that a defense whose starters average 47 years old isn't a good draft pick. Still, it's hard to pick a defense, and most people will go on reputation. Don't let that be you, though: the secondary is porous, the front seven is unimpressive beyond Jerod Mayo, and there are no true playmakers on special teams to get you return touchdowns. And don't forget games against the Colts and Saints. The resurgent offenses of the Falcons, Dolphins, and Texans will give the Pats problems too.

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2009 NFL Preview: A Draft I Can't Drink? Lame.

-Housh! Behind you!-

RWPilk

The other day, I'm passing Cole in the hallway, so I'm like "What up, shrimp-wad?!" and he's like "We should each write up a draft preview post." Sigh. It's always something else with this guy. "Get off the coffee table!" "Make your own omlet!" "Don't use my toothbrush for that!" Nag, nag.

I'm not looking forward to our live draft. I honestly believe that an automated draft would serve me better than a live one. Me doing a live draft is like someone bobbing for apples: they all look the same to me, I'm just gonna keep the one that happens to land in my mouth. Pause? Eh, close enough.

But here we go, here are a few players I'll keep an eye out for:

T.J. Houshmandzadeh (WR Seattle Seahawks) - You gotta like a guy that's so confident in his performance, he's staging a one-man boycott of Madden 2009 because of a low player rating. C'mon EA Sports, y'all can't do TJ like this! Anyway, I just like being able to yell "WHOSYAMOMMA!!!" at the TV when he makes a play. Beer might be involved.

Chad Pennington (QB Miami Dolphins) - Ah, the first victim of Brett Favre's hostile post-"retirement" NFL takeover. I don't know, I just like the story of a guy who got unfairly bumbed to a miserable team, and immediately had a respectable season (#2 pick for MVP, under Peyton). And a lot of room to still move up. Eat it, Favre.

Randy Moss (WR New England Patriots) - No brainer, but with a little extra mustard: Tom Brady hasn't been on the field in nearly a year. Sure, maybe if that Super Bowl had been won, if he hadn't hurt his knee, Tom would be kicking back, tossing passies to Welker, Sleepy, Grumpy, Doc, or whoever else is catching passes for the Pats. But I know Tom's type. He knows eyes are on him and he wants to shut up any doubts. He'll go to the Tubbs to his Crockett: The Moss Man.

The Detroit Lions Defense - Don't question it. They're just gonna pull it together this season. I got a feeling. A feeling, or a brain tumor. One of those.

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Site Announcement: Sweet, Sweet Live Blog Action!

-Game's that way, genius.-

Attention citizens! Sweet, Sweet Flacco Action! is about spice up that lethargic, pastry-filled, tearfest you call a life! Mwauhahaha! Just kidding, but we are "liveblogging" this coming Saturday's Red Sox vs. Yankees game, called by none other than Joe Buck and Tim "Is anyone else light-headed?" McCarver. It'll just be like having Cole and RWPilk in your living room, watching the game with-- No, no wait! Come back! It won't be like that, promise! Sorry. Stop crying. But it might be good for a few laughs (probably due to the fact that we've never done it before). So tune in and get that "refresh" button ready, cause we're gonna melt your face off.

Sweet, Sweet Liveblog Action!

Saturday, August 22nd

Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees

4:10 pm EST

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Oh, Big Surprise

-Ready to rape/pillage/suck thumb.-

RWPilk

I know three things about Brett Favre. He played for Green Bay, likes Wrangler jeans, and is finally retired. Oh, what's that FOX News? I only know two things? Aw.

According to multiple sources yesterday, most notably Jay Glazer from ministry of truth, FOX News, there's a whole lot of whispering, snickering, and note-passing going at Vikings training camp claiming Favre will be on the team for 2009 season. As one can imagine, the sports news media at large is piddling all over themselves.

I don't really give a toss either way. How good is an aging athlete going to be when he's juggled around different offenses every year? Probably not that good, and even I know not to put him on any fantasy draft "must-have" list. But c'mon, Favre. A little showmanship? What are you going to do, win another Super Bowl? Does Michael Jordan ring any bells? A franchise player who went out on top as one of the best ever... then squandered his legendary status sucking in his twilight years, bouncing around b-teams. Does anyone even know what team MJ even ended up playing for? The Nuggets or something? Might as well have been the Generals.

See, same thing happened on the X-Files. Duchovny couldn't just bow out. Had to keep coming back. Mulder was abducted, then he was an alien clone, then he was dead, then he came back alive... just to disappear again. C'mon, Mulder! You can't foil the feds' alien super-soldier plot with such flip-floppery! Scully's fragile, crusading heart can only take so much!

Anyway. I digress. Whatever, Brett. Squander away.

Sweet, Sweet Update Action!: As of this morning, Favre officially signed. Oh, good for you, cochise, knocking another QB with an actual career AHEAD of them back to the bench. We're all impressed. Sage Rosenfels, too. You gonna get tackled so hard you helicopter over seven yards and make me shoot Mr. Pibb out of my nose? No, I don't think so.

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Almost Sunny in Philadelphia

- "Another home run? Boy could I use a beer..." -

Cole

It's a little bit strange for this blog to have two Philly-based posts in a row, so let me counteract that by saying: TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY TOM BRADY!*

Ahem. Sorry.

But it is a good day to be a sports fan in Philly. Regardless of what you think of Michael Vick, he served his time, he has been reinstated (sort of) and the Eagles see fit to take a chance on him. Now Andy Reid will do his best to earn his reputation as an offensive genius, either by working Vick into the existing offense or adopting a version of the Wildcat formation that Miami ran so successfully last year. Imagine that with two professional quarterbacks. The possibilities are exciting, and football fans can expect to see some big numbers on the Linc's scoreboard.

You could argue that the signing was just gamesmanship, that the Eagles don't really plan to use Vick and were just preventing a division rival like the Redskins from upgrading. Or you could argue that the move is really just to give them depth if/when McNabb gets injured and Kevin Kolb disappoints. But I disagree: you don't spend $1.6 million in a league with a salary cap on gamesmanship or third QBs. Even McNabb's comments granting him five snaps a game ring hollow: Five snaps? That's it?

If you don't like the move (insert snarky dog joke here) then you can at least take solace in the fact that the guy who dumped a beer on outfielder Shane "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino turned himself in yesterday to Chicago police. He now faces two counts of battery and one count of extreme douchebaggery.

We here at SSFA! pride ourselves on our objective reporting, so let's look at the evidence here.


Okay, there are three things in this picture that give it away.
1. Those sunglasses: what are you, Kanye West?
2. That sweatband: what year is this, 1983?
3. The whole throwing-a-beer-at-a-baseball-player thing (not pictured, but there's video evidence here): those things aren't cheap, you know.

Now, if I can direct your attention to Figure 2 for a second here...


4. "It was totally that guy! I swear on my Ed Hardy jeans!"

Verdict: Douchy as charged. All right, I'll stop. The guy's been getting piled on enough (pause), and at least he turned himself in, I guess. But deliberately throwing a beer at a player? Come on. You don't see people chucking those aluminum bottles at Johnny Damon from the Monster seats^, and we hate that guy. Good thing Victorino caught the ball, by the way, or you'd see a lot more copycats.

________
*-In all seriousness, I thought Rob's favorite player looked pretty good for the most part last night, and his timing on the few deep throws he tried was right on. Good sign for Pats fans.
^-Not that I'm suggesting anything.

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Shaqpot!

- #bromance -

RWPilk

So slow was the sports news day yesterday that I found myself trying squeeze a single drop of amusement from a Mexico defeats America soccer headline. But before I slipped into an infinite coma, I was saved by the "big black unit": You guessed it, SHAQ. Apparently, Shazam Shaquille was with Cardinal Albert Pujols to promote some reality show and referred to himself as "Shaqqie Robinson," sending the press giggling like a school girl being tackled by a dozen kittens.

I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy; perhaps I wasn't getting enough Shaqness in my life (now that it isn't 1998 anymore). But I suddenly remembered Twitter, and to my excellent fortune found THE_REAL_SHAQ. See for yourself, as I'm still trying to somehow quantify the ocean of priceless Shaqitude I've stumbled upon:

Attention all scrabble players, question, is pigsriot a word

Holy shit, I'm at the santa monica airport I just saw a lil plane crash, and the guy walk away, dam dam glad he's ok shit, excuse my words

Happy birthday , harry potter main charachter dude

Anybody seen that 7 year old kid driving, running from the cops

The white house wouldn't let me in, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Whoever told Shaq that Twitter is a magic telephone in which he can get instant responses to any idle curiousity that he asks at any given time... Let me buy you a drink. As you can clearly see, I no longer have any need for television, the cinema, radio, or any form of print media entertainment. I have THE_REAL_SHAQ. And it's more than enough. Tweet on, Shaqinator. Tweet on.

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Welcome Back Pedro*

- This way, at least, he won't blow out his arm in July. -

Cole

I want to root for Pedro Martinez.

Is that so wrong? Is that too much to ask?

From the moment Dan Duquette traded Tony Armas Jr and Carl Pavano for him back in the winter of 1997, I always loved watching him pitch. And for years he never let me down, outdueling everyone he went up against, posting video game-like statistics and even helping the team finally win a World Series.

Sure, I wasn't happy when he signed with the Mets that offseason, but I knew from a business standpoint, it didn't make sense to guarantee Pedro a fourth year; that everyone knew he had maybe three good years in him before he broke down. Still, I was a little disappointed when everyone turned out to be right and he opened the spring without a contract, pitching his heart out for the Dominican in the World Baseball Classic.

But now he's back, pitching for the Phillies in the same number 45 he's worn his whole career, and picking up his first win last night against the Cubs with a lot of help from the offense. His line was a pedestrian three runs and seven hits over five innings, but two of those runs and three of those hits came in the fifth. For a first start, it's not terrible, especially given his five strikeouts and one walk. His fastball even showed signs of life, hitting 94 at one point.

It's a good pickup for Philly, really, since he'll serve as a decent fifth starter as the regular season winds down, and provide some important long relief in the playoffs. Besides, his press conferences are already up to his usual high comic standard. So there's a real possibility he'll play a key role in determining how deep the Phillies go into the playoffs, and in all likelihood will be interesting to watch and root for.

The real problem with rooting for Pedro is the same problem that comes with rooting for David Ortiz or Alex Rodriguez or Albert Pujols. A pitcher who performed at such a high level -- until testing started -- is going to raise questions, fair or unfair. If the worst should happen and Pedro's name is leaked, expect no brotherly love from the Philadelphia media, and the usual talk of "clubhouse cancer" to follow someone who (by and large) has avoided that charge throughout his career.

Which brings me back to my main point: I don't want to start following Pedro now, knowing that this huge specter looms over everything he accomplished in Boston, everything I respected him for. And it's not fair to Pedro, really, because no one who knows what they're talking about has ever hinted Martinez took steroids or failed a drug test.

The steroid era has made it nearly impossible to enjoy the performances of individual players anymore. If that means that, as Jerry Seinfeld once said, fans are really just rooting for laundry, it's going to make me reconsider some things.

Because the road jerseys and alternates the Sox are wearing this year are brutal.

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A Cowboy Up Beat Down

-Score that play "666".-

Cole

You see that fight last night? When Youkilis charged the mound?

RWPilk
Indeed I did. Cleared the whole bench, I reckon. Another hissy fit.

Cole
It got me thinking... if you had to take one of the Sox, which one would you want to fight?

RWPilk
Hmmm... I don't know. Lowell? Didn't he just have hip surgery or something? Seems like the kind of guy you could knock over if you bopped him on the head with his own AARP subscription.

Cole
Not a bad option, except that he can probably bludgeon you with his eyebrows or something. And he's popular, everyone's gonna rush to his defense. What you need is someone everyone wants to hit anyway, like Manny last year. How about Saito? He's new, he's got the language barrier, he's a bullpen guy anyway. Either that or Smoltz, who's even newer and over 40 -- Lowell's only 35; Smoltz could've been his babysitter or something.

RWPilk
I'm not hitting Manny. I love Manny. But, fine. If I swipe someone's walker from underneath them, it'll be Smoltz. Well, as long as he's not like working out a bunch. He's gotta lot of time on his hands now. Who you got?

Cole
Well, all right, agreed: Manny's cool. There was that whole shoving match incident last year with Youkilis. Everyone sided with Manny on that. So if I have to pick someone under 30, I'd go Youkilis. He looks like he deserves it, with all those strike out hissy fits.

RWPilk
Youkilis!? Jesus. I don't want to rumble with him. He looks like something that they had to slay in the Lord of the Rings. And you seem him throw that helmet last night? Catapult-like accuracy!

Cole
Well he was the bad guy in Hellboy...but how about you? Pick on someone your own age, or at least closer.

RWPilk
Hmmm. Alright. Rocco then. At least my mitochondria work. Advantage!

Cole
Two geezers and a cripple? Awesome.

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